Oh God!

I know, God is omnipotent but I do have a few suggestions, improvements if you will that God may like to consider for 2012. All I can do is ask.

1. Detachable arms. Like a child’s doll I want limbs that can just pop out of the socket without causing any damage and be left on the floor or in a cupboard for a while. Why? Because when cuddling or spooning there is always one too many arms. There is always an awkward elbow in someone’s ribs and a desperate but failed attempt at contortionism to get it out of the way.

2. More silly hats for religious leaders and followers. I have never understood why so many religions include headwear as an indication of piousness and religious fervour amongst its followers. Perhaps it is a sign of suffering, intended or otherwise. Religion already has so many things that can be ridiculed why fuel the satirical fire with costumes. The higher up the religious totem one is the bigger and sillier the hat appears to be. I say they are not silly enough. I say all truly devout believers should wear nothing less ridiculous than the headwear donned by Princess Beatrice at Will and Kate’s wedding.

3. End religious wars. If there are different gods, would the most powerful one please prove it and claim victory. If, in fact, everyone is unwittingly worshipping the same god then perhaps revealing oneself like pulling back the curtain in Wizard of Oz to reveal the true wizard, it would save us all a lot of bother.

4. Natural disasters. God we appreciate this a speciality of yours. The great flood with Noah and his ark was particularly impressive. We are in awe with the reminders of your awesome power, volcanoes, floods, fires, earthquakes. Well done. Just one thing, would you mind spreading them out geographically. Perhaps you have lost your map but there are many other places to smite besides Christchurch. Don’t get me wrong there is nothing better than poking fun at New Zealand but perhaps give them a bit of a rest. They do not appreciate a good practical joke as much as you would expect with all the practice they have had. Just look at the underarm bowling incident. They are still going on about it.

5. Jennifer Aniston, can you please find someone to love her and have a child with her just so we can stop hearing about every single date, every thought of romance and every ticking of her biological clock every day, every day, every day. While you in the neighbourhood can you help her out with her acting skills. She keeps insisting she has some and as a result keeps appearing in movies. If she is going to persist she may as well be able to do it properly. In a similar vein can you please visit the Hilton sisters and the entire Kardashian family and give them some sort of skill or talent so they can contribute something to society worthy of all the media attention they receive. Something. Anything.

6. Television program, I am not sure if this falls into your field of expertise but can you have a word to the programmers for the commercial networks and tell them to get their schedules organised. Stop moving programs around to different times and days – they will never get any ratings if no-one knows when they are on. Stop cutting away from sporting fixtures 5 minutes from the end to go to news only to discover that the news is the cast of Twighlight arrived in Australia to be welcomed by a throng of squealing school girls. Edit your recorded shows and manage your live shows so that they fit their allocated time slot. And finally stop splitting popular shows in half so you can sandwich an unpopular show in the middle in an obvious attempt to boost ratings.

7. Pepper grinders, all I want to do is be allowed to grind my own pepper when eating out. I am allowed to add my own salt, chilli flakes, parmesan (occasionally) chutneys and sauces. Why do I need to have a qualification in hospitality to grind pepper? Why? Is it an OHS issue for fear of me trapping my finger in the mechanical jaws of the actual grinding mechanism? Is it the special training regime I would be required to follow in order to have the strength to lift up of those massive grinders? Why do pepper grinders need to be the size of a pillar from a Roman colosseum. Please let me grind my own pepper. I promise I will do it properly.

God, I hear you like the number seven, so I will stop there. Besides if I get number one I do not want to overuse my detachable arms for fear that they fall off accidently. Oh, a new reason why I will not be allowed to grind my own pepper.

Film Reviews

Iron Lady

A beautiful and affectionate look at arguably one of the world’s toughest women. Now in her dotterage this Phyylia Llyod film tells the story of Margaret Thatchers life, her family life, political ambition, career, historic legacies and late life illnesses.

Told from Thatchers perspective through a series of flashbacks brought on by the strongly hinted at but never named onset of dementia, this depiction gives the Iron Lady, much like Wizard of Oz Tin Man, a heart. It shows the personal determination and emotional struggle of Brittain’s only female Prime Minister during her 11 years leading the country though its most difficult post war period.

People around the world will politically disagree with the historic facts and events which shape this story. But the historic events are not the story, they are merely the vehicle for provide a glimpse at the humanity of the person, the woman, at the centre of it all.

Hollywood superstars run the risk of not being able to transcend the role. Think Brad Pitt, when was the last time you saw a film in which he starred where you stopped seeing Brad Pitt and started to see the character. Meryl Streep achieve this transition from actress to former Prime Minister in the opening scene of the film and takes the audience with her until to closing credits.

Although the audience would benefit from knowledge of the historic events included in the screenplay it is not necessary to be scholar of history to enjoy this film.

Melancholia

Spoiler alert, the opening sequence of stunning imagery and equally brilliant orchestration whilst seemingly meaningless at the time do actually tell the entire story. The images will seep back into consciousness randomly throughout the movie leaving the viewer with an-unnerving sense of déjà vu.

If the title is not already a give away, this is not the normal feel good tripe released by Hollywood in time for the Christmas season. In fact is it is a deeply troubling story of depression, family and paranoia with a hint of science fiction.

As someone who would normally run a mile to avoid a movie starring Kirsten Dunst, I was pleasantly surprised by the depth of her performance in this award wining film, written and directed by Lars von Trier.

Whilst the overall plat and performances are compelling there are some big wholes in the story telling requiring the viewer to fill in sometime complex gaps. Told in two distinct parts (Titled “Part One: Justine” and “Part Two: Claire”) Melancholia tells the story of two sisters and their battle for mental and physical survival in the context of a dysfunctional extended family. The two parts of the movie, although containing the same characters are almost two distinct stories. Told in chronological order the former informs the latter with very few cross overs, referencing or call backs.

Definitely allow time for a coffee and a chat at the conclusion of this emotionally compelling piece of cinema.

The Inbetweeners

A great, multi award winning British sitcom. Cringe-worthy at its worst disarmingly honest at its best. The sharp and poignant storylines, dialogue and acting have made this series a modern day cult classic. Unfortunately it has not faired well in moving from a 30 minutes-per-week to a 97minute feature film.

Like Melancholia, the whole story is foretold before the title screen, unlike Melancholia there are no twists, turns, symbolism or ambiguous imagery. Disappointingly The Inbetweeners set up the entire highly-predictable story within the first 3 minutes with no hint of twists, turns or symbolism for the remaining 94minutes. The only surprises (and the only laughs) were just how disgusting some of the visual jokes and displays of genitalia were.

A half hour of clever lines and teenage angst stretched to over 1½ hours just makes for a long and uncomfortable afternoon in a cinema. This film relies way to heavily on the dedication of its television audience and the reputation of the series.

The only thing I was in between was deciding to walk out of the theatre or just turning to the person sitting next to me and recapping ever aspect of the carbon tax debate that occurred between Australia’s political parties throughout 2011 – it would have been a lot more entertaining that anything happening on screen.

If you have not seen this movie as yet, wait for it to come out on DVD and then see if it comes in a free start up package when you upgrade your television or home entertainment system.

The story line…and there is no spoiler alert necessary as it is in no way original…four awkward misfitting teenagers go on holiday looking for sex and find love in the most unexpected places.

Film Reviews

Iron Lady

A beautiful and affectionate look at arguably one of the world’s toughest women. Now in her dotterage this Phyylia Llyod film tells the story of Margaret Thatchers life, her family life, political ambition, career, historic legacies and late life illnesses.

Told from Thatchers perspective through a series of flashbacks brought on by the strongly hinted at but never named onset of dementia, this depiction gives the Iron Lady, much like Wizard of Oz Tin Man, a heart. It shows the personal determination and emotional struggle of Brittain’s only female Prime Minister during her 11 years leading the country though its most difficult post war period.

People around the world will politically disagree with the historic facts and events which shape this story. But the historic events are not the story, they are merely the vehicle for provide a glimpse at the humanity of the person, the woman, at the centre of it all.

Hollywood superstars run the risk of not being able to transcend the role. Think Brad Pitt, when was the last time you saw a film in which he starred where you stopped seeing Brad Pitt and started to see the character. Meryl Streep achieve this transition from actress to former Prime Minister in the opening scene of the film and takes the audience with her until to closing credits.

Although the audience would benefit from knowledge of the historic events included in the screenplay it is not necessary to be scholar of history to enjoy this film.

Melancholia

Spoiler alert, the opening sequence of stunning imagery and equally brilliant orchestration whilst seemingly meaningless at the time do actually tell the entire story. The images will seep back into consciousness randomly throughout the movie leaving the viewer with an-unnerving sense of déjà vu.

If the title is not already a give away, this is not the normal feel good tripe released by Hollywood in time for the Christmas season. In fact is it is a deeply troubling story of depression, family and paranoia with a hint of science fiction.

As someone who would normally run a mile to avoid a movie starring Kirsten Dunst, I was pleasantly surprised by the depth of her performance in this award wining film, written and directed by Lars von Trier.

Whilst the overall plat and performances are compelling there are some big wholes in the story telling requiring the viewer to fill in sometime complex gaps. Told in two distinct parts (Titled “Part One: Justine” and “Part Two: Claire”) Melancholia tells the story of two sisters and their battle for mental and physical survival in the context of a dysfunctional extended family. The two parts of the movie, although containing the same characters are almost two distinct stories. Told in chronological order the former informs the latter with very few cross overs, referencing or call backs.

Definitely allow time for a coffee and a chat at the conclusion of this emotionally compelling piece of cinema.

A great, multi award winning British sitcom. Cringe-worthy at its worst disarmingly honest at its best. The sharp and poignant storylines, dialogue and acting have made this series a modern day cult classic. Unfortunately it has not faired well in moving from a 30 minutes-per-week to a 97minute feature film.

Like Melancholia, the whole story is foretold before the title screen, unlike Melancholia there are no twists, turns, symbolism or ambiguous imagery. Disappointingly The Inbetweeners set up the entire highly-predictable story within the first 3 minutes with no hint of twists, turns or symbolism for the remaining 94minutes. The only surprises (and the only laughs) were just how disgusting some of the visual jokes and displays of genitalia were.

A half hour of clever lines and teenage angst stretched to over 1½ hours just makes for a long and uncomfortable afternoon in a cinema. This film relies way to heavily on the dedication of its television audience and the reputation of the series.

The only thing I was in between was deciding to walk out of the theatre or just turning to the person sitting next to me and recapping ever aspect of the carbon tax debate that occurred between Australia’s political parties throughout 2011 – it would have been a lot more entertaining that anything happening on screen.

If you have not seen this movie as yet, wait for it to come out on DVD and then see if it comes in a free start up package when you upgrade your television or home entertainment system.

The story line…and there is no spoiler alert necessary as it is in no way original…four awkward misfitting teenagers go on holiday looking for sex and find love in the most unexpected places.

Gifts That Keep On Giving

As Christmas Day fast approaches it is timely to reflect on the ghosts of Christmas presents past. Every since the Wisemen from the East brought the infant Jesus gold, a bunch of incense stick and some embalming fluid people have been giving each other bad gifts to show their level of affection.

12 Days of Christmas further confirmed the tradition by suggesting that 8 maids a milking and a diverse aviary of birds, laying, swimming, sitting and calling are amongst other things the perfect way to demonstrate ones love.

In my family we have maintained this tradition. As children we gave money – a 5c piece to each sibling and 10c for the parents. This was followed up a year later with pinecones decorated with glitter and then wrapped. The glitter of course came off with the paper when unwrapped resulting in the gift being an old pinecone with lumps of glue dotted across it.

No discussion about bad gifts would be complete with out ties, bags of peanuts, ill-fitting clothes and any gift given or received through a workplace Secret Santa.

As an exception and thus proving the rule my family had a three year period of giving great gifts. I personally received a learn to fly helicopter session, a ticket for the Seinfeld tour in New York and other adventure experiences. These days however passed. I have already received my gift this year. A watch. A cheap watch, bought from a newsagency. A cheap imitation of a good watch. I want to be careful not to sound ungrateful. The problem I have is that the watch came with an amount of money folded up in the watchband. Why did they not use they money to buy a good watch instead. They could have bought the original watch of the same design instead of the knock off. Talk about geese a-laying.

I am not immune to bad gift selection. I once gave my sister a dressing gown. A men’s dressing gown. This was not the problem because she had in fact specifically requested a men’s dressing gown. I chose a plain brown dressing gown on the basis that it was the ugliest one I could find. This too, was not the problem. The problem came Christmas morning, upon my sister’s opening of the gift I announced to the entire family my reasons for choosing the particular garment.

I have also fallen for the trap of buying gift-packs of body lotions, soaps and bath gels. Essentially a gift that tells the recipient that you think that, at worst they smell or at best have bad skin.

My family tradition states that gifts be open in ascending order of how exciting they would be. This typically meant gifts from mum first. Mum for fear of showing favouritism would often buy almost identical gifts for everyone. This usually resulted in one person being happy with their gift with the rest of the family being nothing but confused. Gifts from Dad were next.

Dad have a reputation for unusual and interesting gifts. As he has aged his gifts are now described best by Kath & Kim when they said “its noice, different, unusual”. Gifts from my sister were always last, highest on the pecking order. Her gift giving ability has proven to be inversely proportional to her maternal instincts.

May this year’s Christmas bring you all a little drummer boy who insists on practicing his paradiddles while you or your baby tries to sleep.

Who would you kick out?

Rihanna was kicked off a Northern Ireland farm last week where she was filming an upcoming film clip. The farmer who had previously agreed to the use of his land (for a fee) took offence at the performers scantily clad body and changed his mind.

He revoked his permission.

He was offended by her body and not the cliché and predictable nature of her music and choreographed interpretation of same. Interesting.

What I want to know is who you would allow to use your property and for what purpose and then for what reason would you change your mind and kick them out?

Here are three to get you started.

Serena Williams, I would invite her to play tennis, one of the few exciting players on the female circuit. I would kick off my property just to see to lose the plot and launch into one of her now infamous verbal tirades.

As an aeronautical pioneer, Buzz Aldrin would be my second guest. His adventure are sure to lead to hours of interesting and inspiring stories of adventure and scientific discovery. I would kick him out as he is experienced - and almost forgotten in history as a result – of his ability to show good grace at being the second out. He would take it all in his stride.

The third person would be Jesus Christ. I have a few questions I want to ask…and I expect answers, damn it! Besides he was a man of great wisdom and I am not adverse to learning a thing or two. I would kick him out because he is going to return again in three days anyway and all will be forgiven.

Now it is your turn, who would you invite and ultimately kick out?

Who would you kick out?

Rihanna was kicked off a Northern Ireland farm last week where she was filming an upcoming film clip. The farmer who had previously agreed to the use of his land (for a fee) took offence at the performers scantily clad body and changed his mind.

He revoked his permission.

He was offended by her body and not the cliché and predictable nature of her music and choreographed interpretation of same. Interesting.

What I want to know is who you would allow to use your property and for what purpose and then for what reason would you change your mind and kick them out?

Here are three to get you started.

Serena Williams, I would invite her to play tennis, one of the few exciting players on the female circuit. I would kick off my property just to see to lose the plot and launch into one of her now infamous verbal tirades.

As an aeronautical pioneer, Buzz Aldrin would be my second guest. His adventure are sure to lead to hours of interesting and inspiring stories of adventure and scientific discovery. I would kick him out as he is experienced - and almost forgotten in history as a result – of his ability to show good grace at being the second out. He would take it all in his stride.

The third person would be Jesus Christ. I have a few questions I want to ask…and I expect answers, damn it! Besides he was a man of great wisdom and I am not adverse to learning a thing or two. I would kick him out because he is going to return again in three days anyway and all will be forgiven.

Now it is your turn, who would you invite and ultimately kick out?

How Long?

Each year there is commentary on social mores in regards to how early and late certain activities can be undertaken
• How early is too early for stores to be promoting Christmas (David Jones won the race this year with their decorations available for sale from the beginning of September
• How long after Christmas is it ok for a household to leave their decorations up (I think they should come down the same calendar year they go up)
• How long after New year is it still appropriate to wish someone “Happy New Year”. (the first time you see someone in the year – throughout the month of January)
• How many weeks before Easter hot cross buns be on sale, and when should they be eaten (religious zealots will say hot cross buns should only be eaten on Easter Sunday, but they are delicious and should be on sale all year round and consumer as frequently as toast!)
• How long after someone’s birthday is it still appropriate to wish someone a belated “Happy Birthday” (it depends on who is doing the wishing and how good their gift is)

I received a belated “Happy Birthday”, 101 days after my birthday! It was from one of my nearest and dearest friends who shower me with many birthday greetings on the actual day – sans gift.

The person in question has told me numerous times that the delay was due to the ongoing search for the perfect gift. Am I that hard to buy for? My family have been purchasing gifts for me for nearly four decades. Admittedly my parents are notoriously bad gift givers. Their focus is on spending the same amount – to the cent – on each of their children rather than the quality or suitability of a gift for the intended recipient.

For years after moving out of home I would still search for gifts prior to the intended day for unwrapping. My parents are equally bad at hiding gifts as they are buying them so the search never took long. My favourite was the year they hid our Easter eggs in the fridge! The searching, and discover gave me the opportunity to practice and perfect my pleasantly surprised expressions.

My parents know they are bad gift givers. Last Christmas as I was given a gift to unwrap, Mum turned to Dad and said “this will be interesting.” This was an admission, a declaration that the gift was unsuitable. The gift was in the bin before their car had left the carport at the end of their visit.

It turns out that the delayed gift was well worth waiting for. I have been renovating my apartments for even longer than the belated birthday wishes and the gift was a decorative piece that matches perfectly both the colourings and style of what I am creating.

It did also provide an excuse for a good dinner. Before I get beaten to death by rolling pin-wielding celebrity chef I know that we should not need an excuse for a good meal. It should be the expectation.

The question is, is this still a birthday gift and if so, for which birthday is it connected? The one past making it a “birthday reprise” or is it a rehearsal for my pending celebrations. The Price Is Right always went with the rule the closest without going over. Or is it just a gift, mid year, from a friend?

Never look a gift friend in the mouth. Never did understand this saying, even when it was about horses. Why would anyone want to look inside a horse’s mouth? If someone is giving you a gift, pay attention to the gift, remember to read the card, and tell them how much you appreciate the thought – regardless of whether it is the perfect gift from a friend or one that will be interesting from my parents.

If it is past your birthday, even 101 days, the perfect gift is always on time.

International Talk Like A Pirate Day

International Talk Like A Pirate Day

So many clichés and not enough conversations. According to the website International Talk Like A Pirate Day is all about the G-rated Walt Disney style pirate; eye patches, wooden legs and a whole lot of “Arrrrr me matey!” The more cavalier may even go as far as a Pirates of the Caribbean adding a slightly drunk slightly camp bawdiness to it all.

No mention of Sudanese pirates which are currently terrorising certain international water ways; no hostages, no ransom demands no torture. They take all of the fun out of modern piracy.

If a man wearing torn off pants, a striped shirt, a bandana and a parrot on his shoulder boarded your chosen mode of transport demanding all of your bounty you are more likely to have bit of a laugh, think it odd that he was in costume when it was clearly not Halloween and then go about your business. A much different response when someone who is clearly angry wielding a semi automatic weapon boards your craft destroys all communication devices and holds you hostage for weeks or months whilst demanding political and financial support from your government.

I am sure to do more than just shiver me timbers if I was ever faced with this situation.

Then there is music and video piracy. Though probably not as exciting to spend the day pretending to be someone sitting at their computer or HD recorder downloading files. The conversation is not as entertaining either “file...select....record....save...can you bring me some chips and my drink”

Avast, it is a lot more fun if you demand an ale from your buxom wench... especially if you are stuck at your computer all afternoon downloading the next season of your favourite show, the programming of which has been stuffed up by the commercial networks.

It could be worse, it could be sing like a pirate day when grown men and women the world over perform their impressions of minor Wiggles characters.

American Winners

Charlie Sheen infamously proclaimed that he was the winner. America (and yes this is a generalisation) has a troubled history when it comes to winning. Its losing style was shown in all of its glory at the conclusion of the US Tennis Open when Serena Williams had yet another melt down on her way to losing a Grand Slam title. This time the umpire was ugly – on the inside – for making a correct call about William’s on-court conduct during the match. Obviously a beautiful umpire would have realised that because she is American, playing in America that she should be able to say whatever she wants whenever she wants regardless of the rules. She even brought into question the umpire’s geographical knowledge, reminding her “we are in America, last time we checked.” Surprising Williams did not draw a gun on the umpire declaring her second amendment rights to keep and bear arms - against ugly (on the inside) people.

In 2003 President Bush declared mission accomplished in reference to the war in Iraq, which only leaves the world wondering just what is happening there seven years later. If it is military exercises they are taking their practice VERY seriously. A pre-emptive declaration, or merely recognition that when it comes to wars the US is very good at starting wars but not so good at ending them. World War II was an exception where the US intervention proved to be quite a persuasive to end the conflict. Vietnam, Korea, Iraq (the original and sequel) Afghanistan.... Admittedly the US has declared that some of these were not in fact wars but rather police actions thus evading the question of victory, but you see my point.

Although the broadcasters enjoy international television they do not believe the general population will understand neither the dialogue nor the nuance unless it is performed by American actors with strong New York or Californian accents. In this case they take a ratings winner such as Kath & Kim from Australia or Coupling from America and turn it into a dog’s breakfast.

Excellent segue.

Wilfred is the exception that proves the rule. Interestingly the Australian actor, writer and co-creator Jason Gann remains in the title role and the US version is a hit.

Back to sport. To ensure the US comes out a winner it has limited its World Series Baseball competition to only teams that play originate in the US. Recently Canada was added, barely international. Perhaps Ms Williams could give them all a geography lesson. Unusually the website in proudly spruiking its international diversification declares “World Series travels north” and then discusses Atlanta.

For the record Atlanta is not a country it is the capital city of the state of Georgia (one of seven original Confederate states). Is it any wonder that during her failed attempt to run for Vice President, Sarah Palin declared she was prepared for international diplomacy because she can see Russia from where she lives.

America may well be the home of the brave and land of the free, but the jury is still out on their capacity as winners.

I HEART AUSTRALIA

…because Australians are patriotic – when a national sporting team or individual wins an international championship. Even if the population has never heard of the team/individual ad no nothing about the sport. If Australia wins then all Australians are instant experts in the rules, nuances and history of the sport. It does not even matter if the government has fast tracked the nationalisation of a person whose name the people can not pronounce from a country the population does not know its location. With a winning sporting achievement Australians will proudly fly he Australian flag, be seen in public wearing green and gold and at least for a for a few days be able to sing more than 50% of the lyrics for the Australian national anthem. The week following the sporting success Australians will then debate suitability of the national anthem because it contains the word “girt”. It must be said that the verses of the Australian national anthem describe the nature of the land and people whereas the American anthem talks about the appealing nature of their flag. So remind me whose anthem needs to be reconsidered.

….because the population, without any mass media campaigns in attempt to influence our collective vote, chose a winner for Australian Idol 2 (2004) that no-one really liked, Casey Donavon. Idol for other winners and many runners up has guaranteed number 1 on the singles chart. Even Donavon’s family felt embarrassed buying the single. Sales may not have been helped by confusion with her website. Casey Donovon was a male gay pornographic actor in the 1970s and ‘80s.

…because we eat our national symbols, the animals chosen for our country’s coat of arms. The kangaroo and emu are unique in that they can only move forwards hance their selection to represent the ideal of progressiveness for a young nation. If, however they do not move forward quickly enough when we are barrelling down the highway at 110kph and thus become road kill there is no hesitation in firing up the bbq. We also feed kangaroo to our pets. Kangaroo is considered appropriate feline food. Adding insult to the mortal injuries cats already unleash on Australia’s defenceless fauna.

…because Australian society is so stable (education, economy, health and employment) that politics is almost inconsequential to most people. On the whole we are apathetic. Whoever is in power we do not like and will ridicule, yet show no higher interest or preference for the opposition. Yet change the captain of the national cricket team and it will be passionately debated on talkback radio, in letters to the editor and around bars for weeks. Everone knows the history of the chosen captain and can articulate a detailed comparison with the other contenders for the position

…because Australian's fight to protect disease free fauna and flora. Wether it be bee hives, keeping fruit fly from the orchards or arguing against international rulings to protect Australian apples from fire blight, farmers and scientists will not rest to protect Australian flora and fauna. The government spends millions of dollars to allow biologists to find a cure (and prevention) for the facial tumours that are fatally afflicting the Tasmanian Devils. When Darwinists would suggest it mere natural selection in action, Australia has decided it is just as important to solve as tumours and other medical ailments that take thousands of human lives every year.

… because the High Court can rule that legislation passed by Parliament is in fact unconstitutional and the worst of the consequences for the judges was a bit of a whinge from the Prime Minister. Her rhetoric was then inturn ridiculed by the judges and media like. In other parts of the world the High Court – if given the opportunity to rule on the legalities – may not have had the nerve to disagree with the ruling party, or faced execution if they did. Teenagers may have rioted for a week looting HD televisions and high fashion clothing.

…because Australia had an obesity problem. Australia is grossly overweight at the same time that people in some countries spend their entire day trying to scrounge together enough food for the day and even then it is only corn or corn based products. In one country they beg for corn, in Australia, the population can choose whether they want their corn to be served dripping in butter, pre-prepared in five artificial flavours, deep fried, or served in bucket sized portions with a side of chocolate dipping sauce .

…because when a police officer draws and fires his/her gun at an alleged perpetrator who was allegedly threatening to harm the police officers using the allegedly stolen vehicle, the alleged theft of which was the cause for police to approach the individual; it is front page news. Shootings in general and the more specific subset of “police shootings” are so rare that it is a major talking point. It is an event that generates an internal police investigation it is so uncommon. The rarity of this type of event may also explain why when the officer discharged his weapon he was so inaccurate that he missed the vehicle let alone the person inside; allegedly.

…because when debating refugees and “boat people” Australia is discussing people desperately wanting to enter the country not leave it.

A Place Where Hope Is Born

My new artwork by artist Cathy Kirwan aka {tinniegirl} http://tinniegirl.blogspot.com

76cm from the end of the wall, 73cm from the ceiling

A Place Where Hope Is Born

Celebrated with cheese and beetroot chutney from the Richmond Larder, dips, bread and fruit from Victoria Markets. All washed down with a glass of mulled wine.

Fish oil...what a load of carp!

I generally have an issue with diet supplements, instead of spending a fortune on tabets, liquids and gels just eat better. I have even more issue with fish oil.

Oil, don’t they mean fat? Fish fat. Not quite as marketable, I know, but that is what it is. You cant pick up a fish and squeeze the oil out. When you catch a fish and remove the hook, oil does not leak out of the wound.

I have a similar issue with the notion of soy milk, if it does not have breast then it does not produce milk. When the beans are copulating in the fields and then feeding their young then and only then can e cal it milk. But it does not feed its young because it is a bean. A bean, that makes it juice. Soy juice. Bean juice. Not such an appealing alternative to pour on your cereal each morning. But that is a story for another day.

Back to the fish fat.

It looks like oil because it has been melted down, processed and refined. When you cook lamb chops on a bbq and it leaves and shiny film of liquid on the hot plate that is fat. No-one calls it sheep-oil. People enjoy a crisp piece of pork cracking but would anyone willingly take a daily gel capsule of pig oil…I think not.

A friend recently received an international shipment of fish oil. The label spruiked the products medicinal properties including reducing the swelling and pain associated with arthritis. Fish do not suffer from the crippling affects of arthritis, presumably due to the abundant presence of fish oil in their body. I have to ask, is it the presence of the oil or the absence of hips, knees and knuckles that renders fish immune to arthritis?

Are the fish that have had the oil squeezed out of them now at higher risk of contracting the disease?

Amongst other instructions printed on the bottle was the following storage instruction;

“ may be frozen with confidence”

May be frozen, ok but with confidence? How many people are calling he customer service line to report their nervous anxiety when placing it in the freezer/

People placing the product in the freezer before spending the evening demonstrating behaviour more commonly associated with obsessive compulsive disorder. Opening the freezer door every five minutes to check that it is alright. To confirm that it is freezing. Of course the continuous opening of the freezer will ultimately lead to the thawing of the other products already contained there in. Perhaps that is what the complaints were about

“Yes, I recently placed a bottle of your fish oil in my freezer, and now my sausages

have thawed and gone off”

I like to think the concern regarding the freezing of the product is more to do with the anxiety of consumers opening the bottle a month later to discover it has solidified into a lump of fat.

Whilst on the topic of supplements, I want to discuss my many issues with horny goat weed. I will start with its name…

Footy Tips

I must preface this piece with the fact that I only follow Aussie rules football enough to be able to hold a conversation. A brief conversation. I understand that my lack of passion about football (or at least admitting my lack of interest may be considered un-Australian. As evidence I submit the following as Exhibit A.

I nominally barrack for Port Adelaide Power, I know the coach is Matthew Primus and I think one of the Cornes brothers still plays for them. I know that this year they will win the wooden spoon. That is all I know about their involvement in the 2011 season.

Despite my indifference to the sport I have entered my workplace’s footy tips. I am currently in second position equal on wins (126) I am second only on points difference from Friday might games. I think 126 is good but really have no idea nor have any real interest in how many games have been played or what professional tipsters have achieved this season.

At the beginning of the season I was picking pretty much by how good I thought the team should be, a decision which was largely based on the level of hype each team had created. Choosing winners by amount of media coverage is about as calculating as choosing by the colours of their uniform. Using the media strategy lead to a number of unwanted selections of Collingwood due to their unabashed media-whore President, Eddie McGuire. Collingwood will hereby be referred to as “The Eddies”.

After the first five or six rounds I started to pick teams according to their position on the ladder at the time. A strategy which, unfortunately lead me to continue picking The Eddies much more than I would prefer.

It was a strategy that kept me above the middle of the pack within the office tipping. To be honest that was all I was hoping for – to no embarrass myself.

I stuck with this theory (including continuing to begrudgingly selecting the Eddies) for many weeks only deviating when the injury of a key player was so significant that even in my attempt to avoid football “news” still seeped into my consciousness. For example Jonathon Brown having his face smashed in for the second time in as many seasons.

This strategy saw me gradually but consistently rise up through the tipping ladder until I found myself in second position about 5 weeks ago. When I discovered that I was second and with a real chance of winning.

Suddenly I found myself intentionally listening to football news of injuries, changes of coaches – with the exception of Melbourne always pick the team which has a new coach, the history between the two teams playing even down to the detail of the history between teams as particular grounds.

Sadly this still leads to selecting the Eddies. Easy picks also include Geelong and whichever teams are playing against Port Adelaide or Gold Coast on any given week.

Unusually the footy tips website my workplace uses also provides details about the parking availability at each ground. Not really sure how this helps with selecting the winning team. Aren’t these guys meant to be elite athletes? I did not think the couple of extra metres one team had to walk across a parking lot would have an adverse bearing on the outcome of a game.

I have drawn the line at watching Channel Nine’s The Footy Show, for either football information or entertainment. No footy competition is worth sacrificing my dignity nor intelligence - no matter how large or small either of these may be.

Whilst I will continue to select the Eddies, I would happily sacrifice my own success proportionally to the end of their winning streak.

Renovating - simple pleasures

While the show Renovators can clearly be described as simple (isn’t it just Masterchef with hammers?) It is definitely not a pleasure.

However doing renovations for oneself can be pleasurable. Surprisingly so.

Of course there is the ultimate pleasure of finishing the work and sitting back and enjoying your own handiwork, but if this is the only pleasure then so many pleasures have been missed – in what reality television would describe as “the journey”.

In amongst the hard work, unintended damage to property and self and endless expenses there are many moments to be enjoyed and savoured.

Stripping. Paint, stripping paint. What a rush when a long strip of paint comes off in one go. The sense of dominance and power! It is like the feeling of peeling an apple in a way that ends with one long strip of peel, but so much better. Stripping paint using nothing but a scraper can have its success moments but is more likely to result in frustration. Throw in some paint stripper chemicals and the high received is not just due to the fumes. Paint on the chemicals and then place then scrape from one end of the house to the other. What joy!

Lifting floor boards or carpet, demolishing a defunct kitchen, all of these create the same rush. It is the of power of destruction. It is one of the few times we can get in touch with our inner super hero. Sure we are dominating an inanimate object rather than a master villain but the victory is just as sweet.

Deciding new paint colour or wall paper. The sense of excitement walking back into your home with the paint tins or rolls of paper. It is the excitement of possibility. Definitely a moment to pause and enjoy as it will soon be ruined by the reality of your actual skill. The first lick of paint or strip of paper that hits the wall is equally exhilarating. It is only when you realise that the cutting in is not as accurate as you hoped or that the pattern you chose on the wall paper whilst spectacular is really difficult to line up.

Packing away the tools at the end of one part of the work is satisfying, regardless of the countless weekends ahead to finish the entire job. Rejoice in the small milestones. Especially if you are like my dad who may be a little ADHD and is easily distracted, which means my childhood home is full of unfinished maintenance and renovation jobs.

The exhausted shower/bath at the end of the day that never completely removes the grime and residue of the work. This is one of the most soothing shower/bath one can ever have. Waking the next morning still sore from the previous day’s labour is not as rewarding. Pulling back the covers to discover that the grime that would not be removed in the shower despite scrubbing to the point of bleeding has miraculously shifted itself simply by laying still wrapped in material – the very material it now seems to be covering.

Of course the ultimate moment during renovations is the drink/food break, made all the more sweet if someone else prepares and serves the refreshments. There is something unique about being sweaty, slightly exhausted with stiffening muscles and consuming items with your hands that may or may not have the residue of toxic chemicals used only moments before. If there are traces of toxins present then that may lead to a whole set of moments to be enjoyed and savoured – but that might be the topic of a different blog.