Thursday, December 29, 2011

Oh God!

I know, God is omnipotent but I do have a few suggestions, improvements if you will that God may like to consider for 2012. All I can do is ask.

1. Detachable arms. Like a child’s doll I want limbs that can just pop out of the socket without causing any damage and be left on the floor or in a cupboard for a while. Why? Because when cuddling or spooning there is always one too many arms. There is always an awkward elbow in someone’s ribs and a desperate but failed attempt at contortionism to get it out of the way.

2. More silly hats for religious leaders and followers. I have never understood why so many religions include headwear as an indication of piousness and religious fervour amongst its followers. Perhaps it is a sign of suffering, intended or otherwise. Religion already has so many things that can be ridiculed why fuel the satirical fire with costumes. The higher up the religious totem one is the bigger and sillier the hat appears to be. I say they are not silly enough. I say all truly devout believers should wear nothing less ridiculous than the headwear donned by Princess Beatrice at Will and Kate’s wedding.

3. End religious wars. If there are different gods, would the most powerful one please prove it and claim victory. If, in fact, everyone is unwittingly worshipping the same god then perhaps revealing oneself like pulling back the curtain in Wizard of Oz to reveal the true wizard, it would save us all a lot of bother.

4. Natural disasters. God we appreciate this a speciality of yours. The great flood with Noah and his ark was particularly impressive. We are in awe with the reminders of your awesome power, volcanoes, floods, fires, earthquakes. Well done. Just one thing, would you mind spreading them out geographically. Perhaps you have lost your map but there are many other places to smite besides Christchurch. Don’t get me wrong there is nothing better than poking fun at New Zealand but perhaps give them a bit of a rest. They do not appreciate a good practical joke as much as you would expect with all the practice they have had. Just look at the underarm bowling incident. They are still going on about it.

5. Jennifer Aniston, can you please find someone to love her and have a child with her just so we can stop hearing about every single date, every thought of romance and every ticking of her biological clock every day, every day, every day. While you in the neighbourhood can you help her out with her acting skills. She keeps insisting she has some and as a result keeps appearing in movies. If she is going to persist she may as well be able to do it properly. In a similar vein can you please visit the Hilton sisters and the entire Kardashian family and give them some sort of skill or talent so they can contribute something to society worthy of all the media attention they receive. Something. Anything.

6. Television program, I am not sure if this falls into your field of expertise but can you have a word to the programmers for the commercial networks and tell them to get their schedules organised. Stop moving programs around to different times and days – they will never get any ratings if no-one knows when they are on. Stop cutting away from sporting fixtures 5 minutes from the end to go to news only to discover that the news is the cast of Twighlight arrived in Australia to be welcomed by a throng of squealing school girls. Edit your recorded shows and manage your live shows so that they fit their allocated time slot. And finally stop splitting popular shows in half so you can sandwich an unpopular show in the middle in an obvious attempt to boost ratings.

7. Pepper grinders, all I want to do is be allowed to grind my own pepper when eating out. I am allowed to add my own salt, chilli flakes, parmesan (occasionally) chutneys and sauces. Why do I need to have a qualification in hospitality to grind pepper? Why? Is it an OHS issue for fear of me trapping my finger in the mechanical jaws of the actual grinding mechanism? Is it the special training regime I would be required to follow in order to have the strength to lift up of those massive grinders? Why do pepper grinders need to be the size of a pillar from a Roman colosseum. Please let me grind my own pepper. I promise I will do it properly.

God, I hear you like the number seven, so I will stop there. Besides if I get number one I do not want to overuse my detachable arms for fear that they fall off accidently. Oh, a new reason why I will not be allowed to grind my own pepper.

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