Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Who's At The Arse-End Now?

Paul Keating before becoming Prime Minister, famously described Australia as the arse end of the world. As an Australian I was obliged to take offense at the implication. Now the world has evidence that all Australian’s were justified in their vehement objections to the claim.

A crater has been discovered in Siberia more. It is a hole in the earth’s crust measuring in excess in 18m diameter. The most plausible explanation is that it is due to global warming. The Serbian soil, which is permafrost, contains millions of tonnes of methane is defrosting.

Methane, is the gas produced as a bi-product from the decomposition of natural matter.

The release of the methane as the earth thaws is creating volatile gas pockets, which as it mixes with the salt and water may explode.

That is the earth has farted.

The crater is literally the earth’s arsehole. Anus.

Found in an area named Yamal which translated means end of the world. How prophetic!

As much as I feel sorry for Siberia, it is a proud day for Australia. Germany as winners of the 2014 FIFA World Cup would have been feeling on top of the world when they went to bed last night only to wake up to discover they are actually too close to the world’s bottom for anyone’s liking.

Conspiracy theorisst are out in force, as one would expect. Was it a meteorite, is it proof of alien invasion or – my favourite – the entrance to hollow earth. If the latter was true what will this mean to New Zealand tourism?

The island nation currently enjoys the tourism boom created by Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings film trilogy, based on J.RR. Tolkiens books of the same name. People flock from all around the world to see the home of “middle earth”. Now if the theorists are correct, the tourists could not be further from the truth.  Siberia is 17,800km north west from New Zealand. And  it boasts not only an artistic impression but the actual entrance.

Forget about Virign Galactic lets wait for Sir Richard Branson’s next entrepreneurial venture Virgin Gastronomic, taking the people with too much money for the once-in-a-lifetime experience into the rectum and lower intestines of the earth.

Sounds a bit shitty to me.

I want to put forward a new theory Perhaps earth is , in reality, a giant egg. Earthquakes and volcanoes and tsunamis are nothing more the result of the unborn foetus moving inside the shell. This hole is the first real break in the shell where what ever creature the planet has been incubating for millions of years is ready to hatch into the wider universe.

An elephant’s gestation is 95 weeks. Imagine the size of the beast that needs an egg with a diameter of 12,742km and  a gestation period of 4.45million years.

It is more comprehensible to believe the earth just farted.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

2014World Cup Final Germany v Argentina Live Blog

13 July 2014 10.15pm Join me for the live blog of the 2014 World Cup Final. Well live via my television in Australia thanks to SBS. Game time 5.00am (AEST).

14 July 2014 4.48am The anthems have been sung, if it means anything the German one was a more tuneful song, whilst the Argentinian anthem did song more like a chant sung by football fans during games.

5.00am kick exactly on time, the ultimate in reality TV and they are sticking to time - see that MasterChef and The Voice? They are running to time!

5.02am Free kick to Germany. Mueller is down, and despite the lack of injury is staying down to ensure the free kick. Result? Nothing. Streaming out of defence Argentina have the first shot on goal. Result? Nothing.

5.05am Today's referee Nicola Rizzoli has started the shrugging and waving of his finger, the official language of this year's World Cup. It appears there is no dispute that can not be resolved by shrugging and waving a finger. When the game is over perhaps Rizzoli could sought out the Gaza Strip by waving his finger around a bit.

5.08am Eight minutes into the game and Messi has yet to consume the very being of the SBS commentator, unlike previous games where he was the sole focus regardless of what was occurring on the pitch. According to the commentators he has been omnipresent. This would make hime the Messi-ah. God.

5.12am Back to the game. Germany make a cross towards goal. Klose is in the air for the header. Result? Nothing.

5.14am Free kick Germany. The referee completes his live ground art. Everyone is in position, the Wall are protecting their manhood. The kick, result? Nothing.

5.16am Kramer is down after cracking his head on Garay's shoulder. And he did it without biting, Suarez...just saying.

5.19am I may be a little tired but I think the commentator was just pontificating over which player has golden balls? Apparently there is a trophy for that. Is that what is also represented on the FIFA World Cup Trophy a player in a defensive wall holding his golden balls? I always throughout is was meant to be a football. My mistake.

5.20am Argentina have the first real attempt on goal. One on one with the goal keeper. Result? nothing.

5.23am Neither of the coaches appear ready for a game of football. Argentina's Sabella Alejandro , in his suit is ready for a business meeting. Germany's Loew Joachim, more casual, just in his short is ready for a dinner party or a walk on appearance in Bold and the Beautiful. And neither of them emblazoned with sponsors' logos. Another missed opportunity from the 2014 World Cup Final.

5.28am Yellow Card! Schweinsteiger for clumsy defence. Though the replay shows he barely touched him.

5.30am GOAL! Oh no Higuain of Argentina was off-side. NO GOAL. Result? Nothing.

5.31am  Kramer is off. Bit of a limp. On his way back to his apartment to take food from his neighbour, Seinfeld.

5.32am Lavezzi is down. Tripped. The contact was on his lower shin. He went down holding his knee and face! Must have been a shooting pain. Oh no the whistle is blown for the free kick, and he is miraculously healed. Must have been the hand of the Messi-ah. God.

5.33am  Another yellow card to Germany this time it is Hoewedes. An errant foot to the knee of his opponent.

5.34am Corner Argentina, Result? Nothing.

5.36am  Romero saves a goal. Great diving dave. Sure Germany was off-side but none the less a great save. He is now up and follows the referees lead by showing his annoyance of what occurred by wagging his finger at people.

5.39am Argentina miss another chance. Neuer makes the save but the ball gets away from him for a second shot. Result? Nothing.

5.41am Mueller is not happy, not sure if it is because of the awkward tackle he received or that his injury faking was not rewarded with a free kick. Either way the referee has had to step in and do some close up and personal shoulder shrugging and finger waving to calm him down.

5.43am Germany cross, Kloser is in the square for the header. Result? Nothing.

5.45am  Two minutes of extra time. Germany corner. Result? Another corner. Second corner, Kroos curls it in. Hoewedes makes excellent contact with a flying header. Result? Nothing. The ball hit the post.

5.47am That's half time. 0-0. Nothing. Germany have had 65% of possession and more importantly have 2 players in the scorebook. Albeit with yellow cards. At least they are trying.

6.03am The players are back on the pitch. A substitution by Argentina. And we are away again.

6.05am  Argentina have another great chance for goal. Result? Nothing. Off-side again. I know the off-side rule can be confusing but surely by the time you are playing in the world cup final you know how this quirk of the game works.

6.06am  Messi has a shot on goal. Result? Nothing. Not even God can break the deadlock.

6.10am SBS commentator has just described the German DNA as attacking. Seems historically insensitive.

6.12am The follow up comment is that the German mid-field is "impish" Game of Throne reference? Seems appropriate for a tournament where players have gone down screaming of injuries (that proved to be nothing when the free kick was awarded) like they were extras in the Red Wedding. Yes I am looking at you Arjen Robben.

6.16am Neuer has just taken out  Higuain. Fist on the ball, knee in the ear. Free kick Germany. Why not. The closest we have come to a real injury. Result? Nothing.

6.18am Klose has a shot on goal for Germany. A Header straight in front. Result? Nothing.

6.20am Aguero gets the corner for Argentina. The kick, into the square and result? Nothing. Brazil must be sitting back watching this thinking, at least when we play goals are scored.

6.23am Argentina are in the scorebook. Finally. Mascherano is yellow carded for a crude tackle from behind. If only he was in Game of Thrones, where crude tackles from behind are welcomed by naked buxom wenches.

6.24am The scorebook is open again for Argentina, another yellow card. This time for Aguero. Yellow cards are coming thick and fast like goals against Brazil.

6.27am Messi-ah has been quiet so far. Argentina must be wondering if there really is a God.

6.30am Kroos is getting a bit angry with his opponent. Nothing that can't be fixed by the ref's shrugging and finger waving. Rizzoli, always the international diplomat.

6.33am SBS commentators have a wet dream as God finally takes a shot on goal. Result? Nothing. Another case of premature exclamation. I think I am going to start looking a cats on the internet.

6.37am God again, result? Nothing. My god my god why have you forsaken me? Still no divine intervention.

6.43am Ah cats trying to jump onto things to only misjudge their abilities and end up on the floor. Hilarious. What about the final? Don't worry, nothing happened.

6.47am  Klose is substituted and his 2014 World Cup campaign is over. He scored 2 goals for his country throughout the 2014 tournament. In the final? Nothing.

6.49am  Three minutes of additional time  before we are forced into 30 minutes of extra time. Score a goal, someone, anyone. There are not enough cats playing pianos to get me through another 30 minutes of this. Messi, if ever God was to answer a prayer, please do it now.

6.52am That the end of normal time. Result? Nothing.Back shortly for extra time.

6.57am Beginning of extra time, captains and referee shake hands again. This time without exchanging little flags. My fingers and toes are crossed for anything to happen something. Germany has a shot on goal, Result? Nothing?

7.05am Argentina continue to find ways to not score. Just how big do the goals need to be? Just a little tap over the goalkeeper's head was all that was needed. Instead? Nothing. If this was a game of cricket the commentators would be doing a seagull count.

7.13am Palacio has one hell of a rat's tail. With all of the money he would be earning playing football surely he could afford a good haircut. And that is the end of the first half of extra time. Result? Nothing.

7.17am  So we are into the final 15 minutes of playing time for the World Cup 2014.

7.20am  Schweinsteiger is down with a knock to the face, and it is a real injury with some blood running from a small cut under the eye. The ref takes the offending Argentinian player to one side to wave a finger or two at him. That settles everyone down again.

7.24am Mario Goetze has a shot on goal for Germany, Result. GOOOOOAAAAALLL. Super Mario.  113 minutes into the game and finally someone remembers why they are there. That could be the game.

7.28am Messi has another shot on goal and maintains Argentina's unblemished record, this time putting the goal onto the top of the net.

7.33am Messi-ah has the free kick. This is the time for the foot of God. Can God work in mysterious ways? No. The result? Nothing.

7.36am The whistle has blown and the game is over. After 90 minutes of regular time and 30 minutes  of extra time and Germany win the World Cup for the 4th time 1-0. First European win in South America.

7.51am The Germans are now claiming the spoils of victory, randomly picking women out of the crowd. Laying on the ground and getting the women to sit on their groin. Oh wait these might be wives and girlfriends. That said the groin straddling could wait for the hotel room. or at least the change rooms.

7.54am Joseph Blatter is on the podium to present the tropes and the crowd responds in one voice. A resounding boo.

7.55am Manuel Neuer wins the golden glove trophy - which does look like they have amputated and gold plated Mickey Mouse's hand. It turns out God has golden balls - no wonder Christianity is so popular. The officials receive their medals. Everyone hates the referees, in every code of every sport. They still get a better reception from the crowd than Joseph Blatter did.

7.58am God leads the Argentinians up to receive the losers prize. A medal. They could not walk up to the podium any slower or get off of it any quicker.

8.01am And now for Germany. A hug and a kiss from Angela Merkel and then a medal that looks remarkably similar to the one received by Argentina. All that time and effort and the winners and losers all get the same thing. Except the women. Germany got the women.

8.04am Germany hold up the trophy and start bouncing like Hugh Jackman at an awards show.

Thats it see you in Russia 2018.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Tired of Sport on TV?

It is tough living in a sport loving nation during major international sporting events which more often than not are played at times that are more commonly consumed with sleeping.

Australian fans have endured weeks of staying up until the wee hours of the morning to watch Wimbledon only to wake up a couple of hours later to watch the FIFA World Cup.  Wimbledon has now been replaced by the Tour de France.

It is to be noted that Australian athletes were not burdened with a expectation of success in any of these events. Australian’s were just happy the Socceroos qualified for the World Cup. The fact that the team actually scored four goals during the group phase was beyond expectations.

Despite being eliminated from the tournament after the group stage Australia can always hold its head high that the embarrassing 4-0 loss at the feet of Germany in the 2010 World Cup was nothing compared to the 7-1 humiliation Germany inflicted on host nation. Brazil.

For ever more Australia can say they are three goals better than Brazil.

In Wimbledon Australian sports fans were not expecting to be barracking for any player with a surname pronounceable to an English speaking public. To be fair many of the players representing Australia have surnames that are difficult at best.

Sam Stosur continued her form by being knocked out in the first round. She did go on to win the mixed doubles with Serbian playing partner Nenad Zimonjic. To prove how little regard is given to mixed doubles, an Australian won a sporting competition, but who knew?

Lleyton Hewitt marched towards retirement with a round two defeat.

Of the 10 Australian’s playing at Wimbledon all but 1 of them were defeated in either the first or second round.  Only Nick Kyrgios made it through to the Quarter Finals with a spectacular defeat of world number 1, Rafael Nadal in four sets.

And didn’t the Australian media and sporting public love it. Not just because of the victory or that between the legs winner but because it meant we could start to forget both Lleyton Hewitt and Bernard Tomic - two players that have failed to warm themselves to the Australian public.

Sure we may have gone a bit over the top to declare him the country’s next grand slam champion, with the expectation that this title would be achieved at Wimbledon. To be fair many “experts” around the world were predicting a Kyrgios championship victory. Sure he lost the next match in four sets. The point is he won something and he has a tribal tattoo thing on his forearm. So desperate for something to barrack for Australian’s don’t even care that it is not a tattoo at all but merely patterned sports tape. Kyrgios is not even the first sportsperson to wear the tape, far from it.

I am waiting for sponsors to emblazon sports tape with their name a logo.

There are Australian’s riding in this year’s Tour de Franc, one of them Richie Porte is even the acting leader of Team Sky. But with the chance of an Australia stage win let alone an overall victory as slim as the likelihood of a player in the World Cup Final being tackled and immediately standing up and indicating that he is fine, the interest of a weary Australian sporting community is going surely tested.

Perhaps some chemical enhancement to increase their chances…oh wait…don't worry.

Anyway bring on the Commonwealth Games, Australia might win something.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Welcome to Ramadan

Woolworths have jumped on board with Ramadan and what a controversy this has created. Apparently many Australian’s are too narrow minded to appreciate that there are many religions and that religions are all as equally valid to their believers and ridiculous to non-believers as each other.

The controversy appears to be that Ramadan is not a Christian festival and therefore should not be celebrated in Australia. Yes, Australia’s laws and culture has Christian routes but the level of church attendance and the legislation currently before parliament would clearly indicate that Australia can no longer be considered a Christian country.

We are a country that blatantly ignores the Ten Commandments. Can the people complaining about Woolworths promoting Ramadan even name a Commandment? My bet is that the people making the loudest complaints only on allow God or Jesus’ names during time of sexual pleasure or as an exclamation when they injure themselves – thereby breaking the third Commandment.

Not only do we work and shop on Sundays, thus breaking the fourth Commandment we have no issue with football being played on Good Friday, arguably the holiest day on the Christian calendar.

That said, football is truly Australia’s religion. Or sport in general. When we are winning. Perhaps we would be a more accepting country if the Australian cricket captain or the Collingwood captain was Muslim.

Despite this ignorance of and apathy to the Christian doctrine we easily and eagerly become zealots in the face of people who actually want to practice their religion of choice.

In Bendigo, there has been a similar uproar when the Local Council approved the building of a mosque. Why? Because Muslims are involved in terrorism, that’s why. Yes extreme Muslims are engaging in terrorist activities. The same could be said extremists of all religions have engaged in conversion by force.

Christianity is not immune. Have the Crusades been erased from history, was the Spanish Inquisition a figment of the world’s collective imagination. More recently the world suffered through the Holocaust, something many peoples of the world continue to suffer the after effects still today.

If there is any controversy to be had over Woolworths promoting Ramadan it should be that a grocery store, that sells food, is promoting a festival that requires its devotees to fast, that is not eat. The controversy can’t be the act of fasting itself. Even Jesus gave fasting a burl, famously spending 40 days in a desert.

The Christian community, the world over has been duped into celebrating the death and resurrection of Jesus by getting excited about a visit from a rabbit who lays chocolate eggs! So it seems reasonable that the retail giants would try to convince Muslims that the best way to fast is to buy food in their stores.

It sounds as appropriate as the meat industry promoting Hanukkah bacon to the Jews. Perhaps power companies could offer discounts to the Asian communities as they celebrate the Lunar New Year with a lantern festival.

Despite the furore Rev. Fred Nile and Cardinal Pell, two of Australia’s most outspoken and self appointed defenders of the countries religious and moral compass have remained quiet on the issue. Lets be honest the Christian church like any major international commercial super-power knows how and when to make a quick buck, so can only sit back and applaud Woolworths for their imitative in capitalising on this previously untapped commercial opportunity.