Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Who's At The Arse-End Now?

Paul Keating before becoming Prime Minister, famously described Australia as the arse end of the world. As an Australian I was obliged to take offense at the implication. Now the world has evidence that all Australian’s were justified in their vehement objections to the claim.

A crater has been discovered in Siberia more. It is a hole in the earth’s crust measuring in excess in 18m diameter. The most plausible explanation is that it is due to global warming. The Serbian soil, which is permafrost, contains millions of tonnes of methane is defrosting.

Methane, is the gas produced as a bi-product from the decomposition of natural matter.

The release of the methane as the earth thaws is creating volatile gas pockets, which as it mixes with the salt and water may explode.

That is the earth has farted.

The crater is literally the earth’s arsehole. Anus.

Found in an area named Yamal which translated means end of the world. How prophetic!

As much as I feel sorry for Siberia, it is a proud day for Australia. Germany as winners of the 2014 FIFA World Cup would have been feeling on top of the world when they went to bed last night only to wake up to discover they are actually too close to the world’s bottom for anyone’s liking.

Conspiracy theorisst are out in force, as one would expect. Was it a meteorite, is it proof of alien invasion or – my favourite – the entrance to hollow earth. If the latter was true what will this mean to New Zealand tourism?

The island nation currently enjoys the tourism boom created by Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings film trilogy, based on J.RR. Tolkiens books of the same name. People flock from all around the world to see the home of “middle earth”. Now if the theorists are correct, the tourists could not be further from the truth.  Siberia is 17,800km north west from New Zealand. And  it boasts not only an artistic impression but the actual entrance.

Forget about Virign Galactic lets wait for Sir Richard Branson’s next entrepreneurial venture Virgin Gastronomic, taking the people with too much money for the once-in-a-lifetime experience into the rectum and lower intestines of the earth.

Sounds a bit shitty to me.

I want to put forward a new theory Perhaps earth is , in reality, a giant egg. Earthquakes and volcanoes and tsunamis are nothing more the result of the unborn foetus moving inside the shell. This hole is the first real break in the shell where what ever creature the planet has been incubating for millions of years is ready to hatch into the wider universe.

An elephant’s gestation is 95 weeks. Imagine the size of the beast that needs an egg with a diameter of 12,742km and  a gestation period of 4.45million years.

It is more comprehensible to believe the earth just farted.

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