14 July 2014 4.48am The anthems have been sung, if it means anything the German one was a more tuneful song, whilst the Argentinian anthem did song more like a chant sung by football fans during games.
5.00am kick exactly on time, the ultimate in reality TV and they are sticking to time - see that MasterChef and The Voice? They are running to time!
5.02am Free kick to Germany. Mueller is down, and despite the lack of injury is staying down to ensure the free kick. Result? Nothing. Streaming out of defence Argentina have the first shot on goal. Result? Nothing.
5.05am Today's referee Nicola Rizzoli has started the shrugging and waving of his finger, the official language of this year's World Cup. It appears there is no dispute that can not be resolved by shrugging and waving a finger. When the game is over perhaps Rizzoli could sought out the Gaza Strip by waving his finger around a bit.
5.08am Eight minutes into the game and Messi has yet to consume the very being of the SBS commentator, unlike previous games where he was the sole focus regardless of what was occurring on the pitch. According to the commentators he has been omnipresent. This would make hime the Messi-ah. God.
5.12am Back to the game. Germany make a cross towards goal. Klose is in the air for the header. Result? Nothing.
5.14am Free kick Germany. The referee completes his live ground art. Everyone is in position, the Wall are protecting their manhood. The kick, result? Nothing.
5.16am Kramer is down after cracking his head on Garay's shoulder. And he did it without biting, Suarez...just saying.
5.19am I may be a little tired but I think the commentator was just pontificating over which player has golden balls? Apparently there is a trophy for that. Is that what is also represented on the FIFA World Cup Trophy a player in a defensive wall holding his golden balls? I always throughout is was meant to be a football. My mistake.
5.20am Argentina have the first real attempt on goal. One on one with the goal keeper. Result? nothing.
5.23am Neither of the coaches appear ready for a game of football. Argentina's Sabella Alejandro , in his suit is ready for a business meeting. Germany's Loew Joachim, more casual, just in his short is ready for a dinner party or a walk on appearance in Bold and the Beautiful. And neither of them emblazoned with sponsors' logos. Another missed opportunity from the 2014 World Cup Final.
5.28am Yellow Card! Schweinsteiger for clumsy defence. Though the replay shows he barely touched him.
5.30am GOAL! Oh no Higuain of Argentina was off-side. NO GOAL. Result? Nothing.
5.31am Kramer is off. Bit of a limp. On his way back to his apartment to take food from his neighbour, Seinfeld.
5.32am Lavezzi is down. Tripped. The contact was on his lower shin. He went down holding his knee and face! Must have been a shooting pain. Oh no the whistle is blown for the free kick, and he is miraculously healed. Must have been the hand of the Messi-ah. God.
5.33am Another yellow card to Germany this time it is Hoewedes. An errant foot to the knee of his opponent.
5.34am Corner Argentina, Result? Nothing.
5.36am Romero saves a goal. Great diving dave. Sure Germany was off-side but none the less a great save. He is now up and follows the referees lead by showing his annoyance of what occurred by wagging his finger at people.
5.39am Argentina miss another chance. Neuer makes the save but the ball gets away from him for a second shot. Result? Nothing.
5.41am Mueller is not happy, not sure if it is because of the awkward tackle he received or that his injury faking was not rewarded with a free kick. Either way the referee has had to step in and do some close up and personal shoulder shrugging and finger waving to calm him down.
5.43am Germany cross, Kloser is in the square for the header. Result? Nothing.
5.45am Two minutes of extra time. Germany corner. Result? Another corner. Second corner, Kroos curls it in. Hoewedes makes excellent contact with a flying header. Result? Nothing. The ball hit the post.
5.47am That's half time. 0-0. Nothing. Germany have had 65% of possession and more importantly have 2 players in the scorebook. Albeit with yellow cards. At least they are trying.
6.03am The players are back on the pitch. A substitution by Argentina. And we are away again.
6.05am Argentina have another great chance for goal. Result? Nothing. Off-side again. I know the off-side rule can be confusing but surely by the time you are playing in the world cup final you know how this quirk of the game works.
6.06am Messi has a shot on goal. Result? Nothing. Not even God can break the deadlock.
6.10am SBS commentator has just described the German DNA as attacking. Seems historically insensitive.
6.12am The follow up comment is that the German mid-field is "impish" Game of Throne reference? Seems appropriate for a tournament where players have gone down screaming of injuries (that proved to be nothing when the free kick was awarded) like they were extras in the Red Wedding. Yes I am looking at you Arjen Robben.
6.16am Neuer has just taken out Higuain. Fist on the ball, knee in the ear. Free kick Germany. Why not. The closest we have come to a real injury. Result? Nothing.
6.18am Klose has a shot on goal for Germany. A Header straight in front. Result? Nothing.
6.20am Aguero gets the corner for Argentina. The kick, into the square and result? Nothing. Brazil must be sitting back watching this thinking, at least when we play goals are scored.
6.23am Argentina are in the scorebook. Finally. Mascherano is yellow carded for a crude tackle from behind. If only he was in Game of Thrones, where crude tackles from behind are welcomed by naked buxom wenches.
6.24am The scorebook is open again for Argentina, another yellow card. This time for Aguero. Yellow cards are coming thick and fast like goals against Brazil.
6.27am Messi-ah has been quiet so far. Argentina must be wondering if there really is a God.
6.30am Kroos is getting a bit angry with his opponent. Nothing that can't be fixed by the ref's shrugging and finger waving. Rizzoli, always the international diplomat.
6.33am SBS commentators have a wet dream as God finally takes a shot on goal. Result? Nothing. Another case of premature exclamation. I think I am going to start looking a cats on the internet.
6.37am God again, result? Nothing. My god my god why have you forsaken me? Still no divine intervention.
6.43am Ah cats trying to jump onto things to only misjudge their abilities and end up on the floor. Hilarious. What about the final? Don't worry, nothing happened.
6.47am Klose is substituted and his 2014 World Cup campaign is over. He scored 2 goals for his country throughout the 2014 tournament. In the final? Nothing.
6.49am Three minutes of additional time before we are forced into 30 minutes of extra time. Score a goal, someone, anyone. There are not enough cats playing pianos to get me through another 30 minutes of this. Messi, if ever God was to answer a prayer, please do it now.
6.52am That the end of normal time. Result? Nothing.Back shortly for extra time.
6.57am Beginning of extra time, captains and referee shake hands again. This time without exchanging little flags. My fingers and toes are crossed for anything to happen something. Germany has a shot on goal, Result? Nothing?
7.05am Argentina continue to find ways to not score. Just how big do the goals need to be? Just a little tap over the goalkeeper's head was all that was needed. Instead? Nothing. If this was a game of cricket the commentators would be doing a seagull count.
7.13am Palacio has one hell of a rat's tail. With all of the money he would be earning playing football surely he could afford a good haircut. And that is the end of the first half of extra time. Result? Nothing.
7.17am So we are into the final 15 minutes of playing time for the World Cup 2014.
7.20am Schweinsteiger is down with a knock to the face, and it is a real injury with some blood running from a small cut under the eye. The ref takes the offending Argentinian player to one side to wave a finger or two at him. That settles everyone down again.
7.24am Mario Goetze has a shot on goal for Germany, Result. GOOOOOAAAAALLL. Super Mario. 113 minutes into the game and finally someone remembers why they are there. That could be the game.
7.28am Messi has another shot on goal and maintains Argentina's unblemished record, this time putting the goal onto the top of the net.
7.33am Messi-ah has the free kick. This is the time for the foot of God. Can God work in mysterious ways? No. The result? Nothing.
7.36am The whistle has blown and the game is over. After 90 minutes of regular time and 30 minutes of extra time and Germany win the World Cup for the 4th time 1-0. First European win in South America.
7.51am The Germans are now claiming the spoils of victory, randomly picking women out of the crowd. Laying on the ground and getting the women to sit on their groin. Oh wait these might be wives and girlfriends. That said the groin straddling could wait for the hotel room. or at least the change rooms.
7.54am Joseph Blatter is on the podium to present the tropes and the crowd responds in one voice. A resounding boo.
7.55am Manuel Neuer wins the golden glove trophy - which does look like they have amputated and gold plated Mickey Mouse's hand. It turns out God has golden balls - no wonder Christianity is so popular. The officials receive their medals. Everyone hates the referees, in every code of every sport. They still get a better reception from the crowd than Joseph Blatter did.
7.58am God leads the Argentinians up to receive the losers prize. A medal. They could not walk up to the podium any slower or get off of it any quicker.
8.01am And now for Germany. A hug and a kiss from Angela Merkel and then a medal that looks remarkably similar to the one received by Argentina. All that time and effort and the winners and losers all get the same thing. Except the women. Germany got the women.
8.04am Germany hold up the trophy and start bouncing like Hugh Jackman at an awards show.
Thats it see you in Russia 2018.
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