Friday, May 30, 2014

Things That Make You ....

I did not expect, whilst on my morning commute, that I would be engaged in a lengthy discussion about what foods and drinks bring on a gaseous response from the consumer.

When it comes to beer it turns out that Little Creatures is much kinder to the digestives system than Victoria Bitter. Personally I am a cider man and am yet to have a less than desirable back-door reaction to this.

I have also learned today that the contents of some sausages are more conducive to downstairs wind gusts than others. The challenge of the sausage is of course no-one is quite sure what the ingredients of a sausage actually are. Is it the hoof or the sawdust that cause of this embarrassing reaction?

Ironically cabbage and beans and cheese, infamous for their links to this unfortunate infliction, did not even rate a mention in this cutting-the-cheese discussion.

Mushrooms proved to be inconclusive from my research sample due to too many variables; mushroom type and cooking technique.

I suggest Master Chef does a flatulence special. Contestants have to create the most back-draft-creating food. Instead of making inane and intentionally misdirecting comments Matt Preston simply eats the meal and then asks George to pull his finger.

Kale, the super food of hipsters everywhere, was however blamed for super eruptions. This could be a big selling point for parents struggling to get their fussy children to eat their greens. Every child loves it when Mr Fluff comes to visit.

As an adult I now find a good tummy grumble much funnier than a bottom explosion and it is just as embarrassing for the perpetrator. Firstly because there is a lot less the person can do to control it and secondly because innocent bystanders can not be caught in the crossfire.

Unlike its methane mate, to achieve its maximum effect a guttural gurgle needs to occur in close proximity to other people and the more intense the moment the better. In a high level meeting, during the dramatic stand off of a play, during the throws of passion, somewhere the ambient noise is low. The end result being similar to when you are speaking to a friend in a very noisy room and suddenly the volume drops and you end up yelling across the room for everyone to hear, except it is the belly bleats and not the vocal cords, that brings unwanted attention.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Politicians Dance Around The Issues

Peter Costello danced the Macarena and Kevin Rudd the rhumba – both with Kerri-Anne Kennerley. Unfortunately for us Clive Palmer twerked. Unfortunately for Joe Hockey he chose to dance to The Best Day of My Life just moments before handing down his maiden budget at Federal Treasurer.
If politicians each had to have a signature song to which they could shake their groove thing, what would it be.
Julie Bishop could have OneRepublic’s Stop and Stare. While her namesake Bronwyn Bishop could barn dance to The Old grey Mare.

Julia Gillard warmed up for her famous misogyny speech by busting a move to Split Enz I See Red.

Tony Abbott can now disco to the Bee Gees He’s A Liar. As long as he is wearing sparkly Speedos. 

After this week in Parliament, Christopher Pyne, can get down to any song by Anal Cunt.

Anna Bligh, led her government in its response to the 2011 Queensland floods before leading it to one of Labors’ biggest election defeats in 2012. Post politics she can now dance her life away to Big brother & Holding Company’s
Women is a Losers. 

Gough Whitlam can retain some dignity respectfully standing for a rendition of God Save The Queen. 

If ever there was a politician for the common person it was Bob Hawke, who can forget the jacket the tears and calling employers bums when Australia II won the America’s Cup in 1983. Bob would not dance but he would lead a hell of chant of Aussie, Aussie, Aussie. 

John Howard can cut his retirement rug to the sounds of Jim O’Rouke’s Tamper. 

Independent “No Pokies” MP Nick Xenophon loves a good stunt, what better than boot scooting ironically to Kenny Rogers’ The Gambler.

Harold Holt’s ghost can interpretive dance to Richie Allen’s 1962 single Undercurrent. 

Sir Peter Cosgrove, as Her Majesty’s representative in the Australian jurisdiction of the Commonwealth can boogy to ABBA’s number one smash hit Dancing Queen.

Peter Garrett, as former front man of iconic Australian band Midnight Oil can continue to free form in his unique style.