Friday, May 30, 2014

Things That Make You ....

I did not expect, whilst on my morning commute, that I would be engaged in a lengthy discussion about what foods and drinks bring on a gaseous response from the consumer.

When it comes to beer it turns out that Little Creatures is much kinder to the digestives system than Victoria Bitter. Personally I am a cider man and am yet to have a less than desirable back-door reaction to this.

I have also learned today that the contents of some sausages are more conducive to downstairs wind gusts than others. The challenge of the sausage is of course no-one is quite sure what the ingredients of a sausage actually are. Is it the hoof or the sawdust that cause of this embarrassing reaction?

Ironically cabbage and beans and cheese, infamous for their links to this unfortunate infliction, did not even rate a mention in this cutting-the-cheese discussion.

Mushrooms proved to be inconclusive from my research sample due to too many variables; mushroom type and cooking technique.

I suggest Master Chef does a flatulence special. Contestants have to create the most back-draft-creating food. Instead of making inane and intentionally misdirecting comments Matt Preston simply eats the meal and then asks George to pull his finger.

Kale, the super food of hipsters everywhere, was however blamed for super eruptions. This could be a big selling point for parents struggling to get their fussy children to eat their greens. Every child loves it when Mr Fluff comes to visit.

As an adult I now find a good tummy grumble much funnier than a bottom explosion and it is just as embarrassing for the perpetrator. Firstly because there is a lot less the person can do to control it and secondly because innocent bystanders can not be caught in the crossfire.

Unlike its methane mate, to achieve its maximum effect a guttural gurgle needs to occur in close proximity to other people and the more intense the moment the better. In a high level meeting, during the dramatic stand off of a play, during the throws of passion, somewhere the ambient noise is low. The end result being similar to when you are speaking to a friend in a very noisy room and suddenly the volume drops and you end up yelling across the room for everyone to hear, except it is the belly bleats and not the vocal cords, that brings unwanted attention.

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