Thursday, May 30, 2013

Eddie McGuire is a Giraffe

 Well he has at least stuck his neck out. The headline was more like McGuire, Goodes Gaffe. I point this out as an example of an actual slip of the tongue, (ok in this example it is more of a slip of the eyes).

In reading the word “giraffe” I was concerned that all African wild life was now considered racist. If so, this would give a valid reason for finally ridding our televisions of the god awfiul “compare the meerkat” insurance add.

Eddie’s excuse for suggesting that Swan’s star Adam Goodes should be involved in promoting the new stage musical King Kong, was a slip of the tongue. And this only days after supporting Goodes through a racist slur when a Collingwood supporter called the Swan’s player an ape.

A slip of the tongue. This begs the question, what was he trying to say...

• Goodes should help promote Chinese Hong Kong.
• Goodes should promote his king size schlong.
• Goodes is the king of conga-line.
• The promotion of King Kong is good. (If he likes the promotion wait until he sees the show!)

Eddie, out with it, what were you trying to say when you clearly likened one of the games superstars with a 6meter tall wild gorilla?

The AFL quite rightly have decided this is an act of racial vilification. Despite this Eddie still proclaims to not have a racist bone in his body. This may be the case, but his tongue clearly has some issues with Australia’s first people.

Eddie clearly plays by his own rules, and deduces his own logic if he can still declare himself a leader in racial tolerance less than 24 hours after being found guilty of racial vilification. The pressure is getting to him. It is clearly his time on the hot seat. His arguments are as logical as many of the Millionaire Hot Seat contestants as they sift through the multiple choice answers. Can we dip the lights and have a drone sound effect? If the fuse timeline reaches the end before he makes sense are we allowed to say goodbye to Eddie McGuire from football?

Please say yes. He could ride his giraffe off into the sunset. With his head the size of a hippopotamus’ arse it was be difficult for the giraffe, but a spectacle worthy of a David Attenborough commentary.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Angelina Jolie - Girl Interrupted


Angelina – we are on a first name basis – has had her waps lopped off. A courageous and private decision. And good on her for using her own personal circumstances to help promote breast awareness and cancer protection.

My question is, does she or Braddles get to keep her nipples in a jar? Imagine the amount they would raise at auction in years to come. She could build a cancer care hospital or some mammography machines for third world countries, or Ange and Brad could buy some more children from those same countries to add to their own private collection.

What if she was at risk of mouth cancer, how long would the surgery take to remove those lips? Guinness Book of World Records would want to be in attendance to adjudicate the event.

The world will now be scrutinising her chest. Even more than usual. The editors of gossip magazines and broadcasters the world over will be in conniptions. An actual story. A true one. With facts and all. Will they know how to report such an event? It will be hard when they are more suited to innuendo, speculation, rumour and made up quotes “from reputable sources close to the star”.

After the actual story we will all have to suffer through the inevitable “first public appearance after the surgery” and “first movie after surgery” frenzy. “Experts” will use this as an opportunity to stare at her chest for hours in the name of research. They will then fill our media with their opinions on the type, size, shape and realistic appearance and movement of implants (if she has any). Does can we see any scarring in particular outfits? Most importantly has she lost or gained weight since the surgery?

That is after weeks of endless diatribe about her recovery, the surgery itself, how Bard and the kids are coping, and whether or not she is suffering from post surgery depression.

And let’s not forget James Haven, Jolie’s little brother. Their relationship made famous after their 2000 Oscars snog. He must be suffering. Thankfully he now has a girlfriend who is not related to him to provide comfort and support during this time.

Perhaps now Angelina can get acting roles based on her abilities not her assets. It will make so much more versatile. Make up and costume departments could make a variety of prosthesis so that her breasts match the character. Full bosomed overweight suburban housewife, sagging senior citizen, pert teen.

The creative team behind Benjamin Button will be rueing the decision to make in 2008, with the wrong half of Brangelina. It would now be so much easier and cheaper to make it with a female lead.

Oh and think of the other attachments she could have, it could be like a go-go-gadget chest. Flashlight, bottle opener, Wi-Fi router (complete with USB port), drink cooler. Brad and James could have their own special attachments for “private time”.

Finally we can then expect the porn industry to cash in using spoof titles. Check out your favourite porn browser for "Lara Croft Boob Raider" and "The Boob Collector".