The battle of the Tonys

source: abc.net.au

Ray Martin has finished his review of the ABC’s discussion show and not a single hair on his head is out of place. This review was instigated by former Australian Prime Minister and dictator wannabe Tony Abbott because his government’s policies actions were questioned.

Ironically the review took nearly as long as Abbott’s Prime Ministership and will probably be longer too.

So what did Australia’s favourite journalist learn from watching every episode, and reading every transcript and tweet, besides that Q&A is not interesting enough to binge watch?

The show is a bit sexist, more men get to be panelists than women. With the Coalition in government and it being a political show this was bound to happen. The Coalition are not known for promoting women to the front bench.

Also for a Sydney produced and filmed live in Sydney, it favours Sydney based people when it comes to the audience. Surprise! What is surprising is its bias towards Sydney-siders when it comes to twitter comments from the general public that are published. Should we all set up fake twitter accounts so that we can participate in one of Australia's most popular hashtags #qanda? Like setting up ghost American account to buy online music at a cheaper rate and another one for downloading movies and television shows. 

Finally Mr Martin discovered that the show was not biased against the government. Another surprise! What he did learn is that the government of the day got more air time to present their policies and initiatives but equally were questioned more about their policies and initiatives. As we learned with the previous Labour governments, being able to explain a policy is critical to success

This makes sense as the Opposition really only has one policy. As their name suggests the Opposition’s policy is to oppose the government. It turns out this was something Abbott was very good at, opposing. Leading was not so much one of his strong suits.

It should be noted that Q&A has proven to be more, more interesting, more informative and more intelligent than Mr Abbott. In the battle of the Tonys (should that be Tonies?) Mr Jones has spent a much longer tenure at the top. 

So what is the answer to the question Australia enjoys being able to debate policy and the tussle between differing ideological opinions, and does not enjoy a government of Prime Minister that will not participate in the conversation. 

Art Imitates Life

 The terms “art” and “life” are used advisedly in this sentence as they refer to The Bachelor and Australian politics respectively.

In life, after much public and media speculation and unfounded hyperbole the Liberal Party chose to send Tony Abbott home and kicked him out of the mansion. His journey came to a surprisingly quick end. The love affair is now officially over.

I just hope there was a lot of loooong pauses and longing looks as the cabinet members all stood alongside Osher waiting for producers to give the nod allowing the rose to finally be handed to Malcolm Turnbull.

Of course there were obligatory speeches delivered with false modesty and even greater false sincerity.

The real test of the relationship has only just begun. Now that the winner has been announced, the party can leave the house and start to be seen together in public. As we saw in the last season of the political dating show (and the last season of The bachelor) the chosen one did not turn out to be all they were cracked up to be and ultimately the party went back to their previous choice.

In art, after even more public and media speculation and even more unfounded hyperbole Sam chose Snezana (sounds like parmigiana) and her daughter, despite bookies odd on favourites Lana (sounds like parmigiana) who was first of all the losers and historically therefore the most likely to end up with Sam in the long run and Heather who will return to anonymity.

The decision has divided the nation and the talkback shock-jocks love it. The pro Snezana callers full of love and hop balance by the pro Lana callers who are full of vitriol and venom. There a growing call for the public to be able to have a greater involvement in the selection process to choose the winner.

In both circumstances the media is the only real winner with endless pages and minutes of airtime filled with endlessly repetitive descriptions of the events, gossip and conjecture masquerading as “expert” opinion.

The decisions have been made and ultimately - in art as in life - will have little if any bearing on the day to day lives of the vast majority of the Australian population.

Pick your battles

WARNING: this blog may contain mixed metaphors.

image source:www.stlucianewsonline.com 

Kenny Rogers tells us that we have to know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em. I am not a card shark or a gambler however I know when to pick a fight.

If thrust into a ring with Wladimir Klitschko from Ukraine I and certain I would trip over my own feet and stay of the mat for the full 10 count before he even thought about laying one of  his heavy weight champion gloves on me.

Tony Abbott knew when to fold ‘em in January when he backed away from his Paid Parental Leave Scheme. It was not a fight that he was going to win against a combative Senate. If only he thought about the fight he was starting on Australia Day in the investiture of Sir His Royal Highness Prince Phillip. The public ridiculed him, the Palace ignored him, his beloved media dismissed him and now his own party are shaping up to end him.

Life is full of fights. You get over charged $1 at a restaurant, consider it a tip, $10 quietly speak to your waiter, $100 speak to the manager.

This is why so many teenagers can be so difficult. They do not understand what issues are worth $1, everything is a $100 issue.

Curfew – fight.

Dating and sex – fight

Cigarettes, alcohol and drugs – fight

Driving – fight

School and job – fight

Fashion style – fight

Haircut – fight

Hygiene – fight

Tidying bedroom – fight

Waking up at 3 in the afternoon only to spend the next 4 hours on the couch in underwear and t-shirt watching TV or playing videos only communicating with anyone through text message and eating but pizza – fight.

Wanting a pay rise because you help train all new staff, take on tasks of more experienced staff, problem solve and assist in developing new innovations for for your employer. Hold’em, strap on the gloves and fight.

Want a pay rise because you have been doing nothing more or less than what in your job description, and doing it for a long time. Fold ‘em. Take a dive.

You join the cast in a reality television show in an attempt to revive a flagging career and redefine your “celebrity”.  Be like Merv and lay down and preen your back hair. Let the other contestants fight each other and their own minds. Merv’s action clearly show that in his own mind he is already of out there.

G20: The Good & Bad

source: griffith.edu.au

The G20 is in Brisbane this weekend.

That’s good.

No, that’s bad. It means big sections of Brisbane are now closed for security reasons

That’s bad.

No, that’s good. It means a lot of people don’t have to work this weekend.

That’s good.

No, that’s bad. It means a lot of people are able to protest all of their different causes in front of the world media.

That’s bad.

No, that’s good. It will give all of the hundreds of security personnel at the event something to do.

That’s good.

No, that’s bad. It might make it easier for a terrorist attack to occur.

That’s bad.

No, that’s good because the Russians have sent their battle ships for just such an event.

That’s good.

No, that’s bad. Australia does not like people arriving uninvited by boat.

That’s bad.

No, that’s good. It will be funny to watch the Australian navy try to tow the Russian flotilla into Indonesian waters.

That’s good.

No, that’s bad. It would be another incident in Tony Abbott’s long list of embarrassing international blunders and gaffs.

That’s bad.

No, that’s good. His blunders mean no one is expecting Abbott to actually “shirtfront” Mr Putin, over the Malaysian Airline incident.

That’s good.

No, that’s bad. It could be the biggest news to come out of the G20 summit watching Putin bare-chested (after wrestling a crocodile or similar) Abbott in just is red Speedos charging at each other like two bull seals on heat.

That’s bad.

No, that’s good. Putin is a 9th degree black belt Master on Taekwondo.

That’s good.

No, that’s bad. Abbott just likes to ride bicycles and swim.

That’s bad.

No, that’s good. Instead of shirt-fronting or “frank and honest political dialogue” they could compete in feats of strength.

That’s good.

No, that’s bad. Not only is that plagiarising Seinfeld (Festivus) the ridiculous outfits the world leaders will be forced to wear will make it difficult to compete.

That’s bad.

No. that’s good. The media, bloggers and comedians will be able to ridicule them for their appearance.

That’s good.

No, that’s bad. Putin is not known for his sense of humour.

That’s bad.

No, that’s good. He might Crimean river.

That’s bad – a bad pun

No, that’s ugly

Team Australia

So Abbott wants us to become Team Australia. This sounds like a man that was never chosen to by his teacher to be captain for picking sides for PE lesson. The country might be starting to see why.

Let’s say we were a team. First of all we need a uniform. Former Prime Minister John Howard has shown us the uniform for training – the gold and green tracksuit. He has also demonstrated that it can be worn by people of all ages and fitness levels.

Drunken people in the teens and twenties have provided us with our celebratory costume whereby all articles of clothing are made out of the Australian flag. Chests may be left bare, again regardless of fitness levels. It is also plausible to wear an Aussie flag as a cape, though in the new world of Team Australia I think this should be left to the captain, so he/she can truly look like Captain Australia!

This begs the question who would be the captain, the Prime Minister the elected leader, the Governor General as the Queen’s representative or the Queen as Head of State?

If we are to be a team then I expect to see a banner made out of crepe paper and sticky tape at every international terminal for everyone to run through after they have passed through customs as they enter Australia. This would also explain why Abbott is so opposed to boat people – crepe paper banners would just go to mush in the water.

We have a team song, and just like every team (with the exception of Richmond Football Club) the song is a bit clunky and old fashioned. We can sing it every time we win.

The problem with us winning at the moment seems to be our leadership group and they are increasingly under media scrutiny as to whether or not they should be axed before the end of the season. All the while the government is trying to cut budgets to get new things under the salary cap. A salary cap only the government is arguing is at risk of being breeched. To do so they want to drop some of the best features of the team, health care, aged pensions and disability pensions.

A team is only as good as its supporters, and this is a problem for Abbott’s team Australia, his international buffoonery is systematically whittling away at Team Australia’s supporter base; Scotland, Canada or as Mr Australia calls it “Canadia”, Indonesia, China, Japan, US economic experts. Due to his stance on climate change Australia can no longer even rely on the support of Antarctic penguins.

I know Clive Palmer would love to be the Captain, but he would not even be appropriate for our mascot. Although he appears cuddly, he is too unpredictable and too aggressive. It is time to revive Roy and HG’s best friend Fatso the Fat Arse Wombat. Has a character ever got into as much mischief or bee n so loved by the public? Though Skippy the Bush Kangaroo could do everything with his dismembered forepaws, he could even play the drum.

Every team needs the go-to player when the going gets a bit tough, a player that can be relied on to score regardless of the situation. At the moment it would have to be Working Dog Productions. Everything they create ends up being a winner, The Castle, The Panel, Have You been Paying Attention, The  Hollowmen, The Dish. Thank God You’re Here just to name a few. They might be having a less than perfect game with their latest offering of Utopia but it is still one of the better offerings available. Maybe it will just a few episodes for them to hit their straps. Here’s hoping.

Now we just need to get Maggie Beer to grow and cut up the oranges for half time.

Aussie Aussie Aussie…

Politicians Dance Around The Issues

Peter Costello danced the Macarena and Kevin Rudd the rhumba – both with Kerri-Anne Kennerley. Unfortunately for us Clive Palmer twerked. Unfortunately for Joe Hockey he chose to dance to The Best Day of My Life just moments before handing down his maiden budget at Federal Treasurer.

If politicians each had to have a signature song to which they could shake their groove thing, what would it be.

Julie Bishop could have OneRepublic’s Stop and Stare. While her namesake Bronwyn Bishop could barn dance to The Old grey Mare.

Julia Gillard warmed up for her famous misogyny speech by busting a move to Split Enz I See Red.

Tony Abbott can now disco to the Bee Gees He’s A Liar. As long as he is wearing sparkly Speedos. 

After this week in Parliament, Christopher Pyne, can get down to any song by Anal Cunt.

Anna Bligh, led her government in its response to the 2011 Queensland floods before leading it to one of Labors’ biggest election defeats in 2012. Post politics she can now dance her life away to Big brother & Holding Company’s
Women is a Losers. 

Gough Whitlam can retain some dignity respectfully standing for a rendition of God Save The Queen. 

If ever there was a politician for the common person it was Bob Hawke, who can forget the jacket the tears and calling employers bums when Australia II won the America’s Cup in 1983. Bob would not dance but he would lead a hell of chant of Aussie, Aussie, Aussie. 

John Howard can cut his retirement rug to the sounds of Jim O’Rouke’s Tamper. 

Independent “No Pokies” MP Nick Xenophon loves a good stunt, what better than boot scooting ironically to Kenny Rogers’ The Gambler.

Harold Holt’s ghost can interpretive dance to Richie Allen’s 1962 single Undercurrent. 

Sir Peter Cosgrove, as Her Majesty’s representative in the Australian jurisdiction of the Commonwealth can boogy to ABBA’s number one smash hit Dancing Queen.

Peter Garrett, as former front man of iconic Australian band Midnight Oil can continue to free form in his unique style.

 

Australian Knights and Dames

Source: dailytelegraph.com.au

Prime Minister Tony Abbott has used the prerogative of his office to reinstate the honours of Knights and Dames to honour people who have accepted public office rather than sought it and who can never...ever entirely return to private life.

The first recipients of this award are, outgoing Governor General Dame Quentin Bryce and the newly appointed Sir Goverrnor General General Peter Cosgrove (that is one hell of a title to fit on a business card).

Here are my suggestions for other recipients of the honour, Knights and Dames of the Order of Australia.

Dick Smith, sure he has sought public life but he has also had public life thrust upon him. He is a great Australia explorer, entrepreneur and philanthropist who staunchly promotes buying Australian made...at a time when even the Prime Minister himself was not made in Australia. Besides who would not enjoy hearing the queen asking a dick to kneel before her prior to the dick to arise.

Clare Werbeloff aka DameChk Chk Boom should be honoured for her contribution to Australian comedy. Her simplistic decryption of her eye witness account of a shooting in Kings Cross, Sydney, shot her to international prominence and provided instant fodder for the nation's comedians. When it was discovered that she in fact did not witness the shooting at all but instead had totally made up her version of events the satarists went into overdrive.

Dame Sam the Koala, rescued by Mark Pardew a firefighter with the Department of Sustainability and Environment during the 2009 Black Saturday bush fires in Victoria. Famously Mark assisted Dame Sam to drink from his water bottle. Sam has since died from an inoperable ovarian cyst, but during her short public life she represented the hope and resilience of all the people rebuilding their lives after the death and destruction of Australia's worst disaster.

Skippy, little did the mother of the eastern grey kangaroo know that she had birthed and raised what would become one of Australia's best known and beloved stars. There was nothing Skippy could not do, open doors, use the CB radio, rescue people from dished mine shafts...she even played the drums! Bestowing this honour on Skippy would also go a long way in equality for the GBLTI community, being that the kangaroo was female and yet the character was male.

Louise, Bridget and Frances Abbott, Prime Minister Abbott's three daughters have all had a public life forced upon them through the political ambitions of their father. The Australian public have had to witness them supporting their father. Riding, bikini-clad, on their fathers back piggy back style (and not as young children). When other young adults might be embarrassed having dinner in a restaurant with their parents the Abbotts have had to endure their father publicly declaring his strongly held opinions of a woman's role within a family and about sex before marriage. During his election campaign they also had their awkward-at-best appearance alongside their father on Big Brother Australia. Mr Abbott was desperately trying to demonstrate that he is in touch with young people and common Australians. He famously signed off with the phrase "I am the guy with the not too bad-looking daughters." Thanks for the vote of confidence Dad. Its the not too bad-looking Dames to you!