Team Australia

So Abbott wants us to become Team Australia. This sounds like a man that was never chosen to by his teacher to be captain for picking sides for PE lesson. The country might be starting to see why.

Let’s say we were a team. First of all we need a uniform. Former Prime Minister John Howard has shown us the uniform for training – the gold and green tracksuit. He has also demonstrated that it can be worn by people of all ages and fitness levels.

Drunken people in the teens and twenties have provided us with our celebratory costume whereby all articles of clothing are made out of the Australian flag. Chests may be left bare, again regardless of fitness levels. It is also plausible to wear an Aussie flag as a cape, though in the new world of Team Australia I think this should be left to the captain, so he/she can truly look like Captain Australia!

This begs the question who would be the captain, the Prime Minister the elected leader, the Governor General as the Queen’s representative or the Queen as Head of State?

If we are to be a team then I expect to see a banner made out of crepe paper and sticky tape at every international terminal for everyone to run through after they have passed through customs as they enter Australia. This would also explain why Abbott is so opposed to boat people – crepe paper banners would just go to mush in the water.

We have a team song, and just like every team (with the exception of Richmond Football Club) the song is a bit clunky and old fashioned. We can sing it every time we win.

The problem with us winning at the moment seems to be our leadership group and they are increasingly under media scrutiny as to whether or not they should be axed before the end of the season. All the while the government is trying to cut budgets to get new things under the salary cap. A salary cap only the government is arguing is at risk of being breeched. To do so they want to drop some of the best features of the team, health care, aged pensions and disability pensions.

A team is only as good as its supporters, and this is a problem for Abbott’s team Australia, his international buffoonery is systematically whittling away at Team Australia’s supporter base; Scotland, Canada or as Mr Australia calls it “Canadia”, Indonesia, China, Japan, US economic experts. Due to his stance on climate change Australia can no longer even rely on the support of Antarctic penguins.

I know Clive Palmer would love to be the Captain, but he would not even be appropriate for our mascot. Although he appears cuddly, he is too unpredictable and too aggressive. It is time to revive Roy and HG’s best friend Fatso the Fat Arse Wombat. Has a character ever got into as much mischief or bee n so loved by the public? Though Skippy the Bush Kangaroo could do everything with his dismembered forepaws, he could even play the drum.

Every team needs the go-to player when the going gets a bit tough, a player that can be relied on to score regardless of the situation. At the moment it would have to be Working Dog Productions. Everything they create ends up being a winner, The Castle, The Panel, Have You been Paying Attention, The  Hollowmen, The Dish. Thank God You’re Here just to name a few. They might be having a less than perfect game with their latest offering of Utopia but it is still one of the better offerings available. Maybe it will just a few episodes for them to hit their straps. Here’s hoping.

Now we just need to get Maggie Beer to grow and cut up the oranges for half time.

Aussie Aussie Aussie…