Merry Christseuss

Redundancy Diaries #6 Sign on the dotted line

This will be the final chapter of the Redundancy Diaries and, unlike the final Harry Potter movie, which end up being the final 2 movies from the franchise. I appreciate that as readers you will experience mixed feelings resulting from this news. The purely altruistic feeling of excitement for
me in finding gainful employment, and a totally selfish feeling of loss at the end of what has become a regular column of entertaining reading. Shame on you for being such an ego-centric view of life.

I was offered, and accepted a position today starting in the new year. All very exciting, I know. Being a true-blue Aussie I do not possess the ability to haggle so I dutifully accepted the salary package offered to me. I am sure the selfish readers, whom I have already identified, would say I am undervaluing my skills and experience. Well of course I am but who could afford to pay me what I know I am worth. If Westpac Chief Executive can receive a $9million bonus in a year where banks worldwide required government bail outs after creating one of the biggest stock market crashes in history and when Westpac raised interest rates almost double that of the Reserve Bank rate then what I am worth. This year I managed budgets effectively bringing projects in under budget, met all performance targets and increased the diversity of public information available about life threatening illnesses.

Oh, now I see why I was made redundant. Large companies with multi-million dollar budgets do not appreciate competence.

In that case my New Year’s resolution will to be more wasteful and deliver a lower standard of customer service. With that sort of work ethic I am sure to be promoted before the ink of the signatures on my contract is dry.

Redundancy Diaries #5 Stop it...ok just a little bit more

Jerry Seinfeld once equated job interviews with first dates, explaining that only with a job interview is there little chance you will end up naked at the end of it. He was right.

My face hurts from all of the false smiling, laughing at inane jokes (the interview panels told some too) Being politically correct ALL the time. Just having to sit up straight. It is hard to give a good impression all slouched over the arm of a chair with your feet tucked up under your backside. If they wanted that people would interview candidates in their lounge room. This could be a revealing interview.

In this weather when I am on the couch it is t-shirt and underwear. I would wear a tie, of course.

My suit has never had such a good workout and although I have a reasonable tie collection I have realised that I have a limited number of shirts that are suitable for wearing with a tie. Making a string of consecutive days of professional business attire quite the fashion dilemma. Only one thing for it, buy new shirts to add to my collection of 60+ shirts. It takes six weeks to complete the rotation of long sleeve shirts alone.

My favourite interview question so far has been, “If you were an animal what would you be and why?” I would love your responses to this question, either about yourself or your recommendations for how I should have responded to the question. Please leave a comment.

Redundancy Diaries #4 Talking up a storm

Given that I only own one suit I think I will wear that. I have no idea if it is really a day suit or dinner suit or business suit. Don’t know and frankly don’t care. It is grey, buttons up and looks formal with a tie.

I am not sure why I wear suit and tie to an interview as I have never worn one whilst working, well except when I was emceeing a Harmony Day event at which the Lieutenant Governor of South Australia was key note speaker and when one of my staff died. On reflection this was more of a funeral day than a workday.

Funerals and weddings are really the days for suits, and weddings can be a lot more casual open collar that sort of thing. Not as casual as at the race though. Nothing says class like a suit worn with a pair of Dunlop Volleys, nothing that is except a suit with thongs.

Looking forward to the interview questions, which always end up the same.
Q: Why did you apply for this job?

A: Ummm because you advertised it and are willing to pay me money to do it. Actually I did not even apply, my recruitment agent just emailed you my resume and this interview is the first I even knew that the position was available.

Q: What skills and experience do have suitable for this position?

A: Firstly thank you for reading my application that I worked on for hours to ensure all of my relevant skills and experience were fully described. I have brought a copy with me so why don’t I just read it to you. Turn the page when Tinkerbell rings her little bell.

Q: What are your weaknesses?

A: I am a hard worker, committed, and diligent sometimes I need to be told to slow down and have a break. (This was a guess what we want to hear question, right?)

Other guess-the-right-answer style questions include
How would you manage a staff member that is under performing?
Discuss how you work with teams and work independently?
How do you effectively manage your time with competing priorities?
Demonstrate how you pay attention to detales?

Q: When would you be available to start?

A: I can start appearing at the office on a daily basis in two weeks, I will start actually working approximately four weeks after that

Redundancy Diaries #3 - It is the Fish John West Rejects

Having been rejected from my substantive position, I was offered an office with the promise of tasks in another area of the organisation. I had an office, yes an actual office with walls and a door. It even had a computer that did not need to be turned on the night before so that it had enough time to warm up for me to start working when I arrived the following morning. With the availability of a telephone headset I suddenly had the urge to call people.

This lasted two days. I was rejected again. A staff member who had been on extended leave originally occupied the office, on Tuesday she resigned. Now that the office was definitely spare, I was asked to move. Not by management but by staff members who used to work with the now past-employee. Why? Because they were upset that someone was in the office space.

I am typing this at a computer that struggles to keep up with my two-finger typing speed just so the desk, chair, telephone (with headset) and computer can be memorialised.

I have received a few job interviews from applications I have prepared. In each case, through the interview process I have learned that the position has been rejected. The position, not me! “This position has been put on hold but we wanted to interview you anyway in case anything else comes up.” “We are interviewing you now though we have decided we are going to wait until mid to late January to decide if we need this position moving forward.”

I have rejected one position. One hour into a half day on the job trial I thanked them for their time. After one hour I was bored stupid. I know, before anyone says anything, I am living only minutes from the border of Stupid Town as it is.

Then of course there are the automated mass rejection letters to applications.

Dear [insert name here]

Thank you for your application for the position of [insert job title here]. Unfortunately we are not going to proceed with your application at this time. We received a large number of applications for this position and
[select one]
· your skills did not match what we were looking for in this role
· other applicants had experience more aligned to the nature of this role
· it was difficult for us to select from such a strong field of applicants

Yours truly,

[insert name of untraceable HR assistant]

I just want to know, when they say they are “not going to proceed with your application at this time” at what time ARE they going to proceed with it. Just a bit of honesty would be appreciated


Dear [insert name here]

Thank you for your application for the position of [insert job title here]. We are not going to proceed with your application, ever. We received a large number of applications for this position and
[select one]
· you have none of the skills, knowledge or experience required
· we can’t believe you thought you were the right person for this role
· thanks for wasting our time. You know we have to read every application we receive, in detail?
· Good luck [you’re going to need it, ha ha ha ha ha]

Yours truly,

[insert name of untraceable HR assistant]

I appreciate the personal touch of automated letters, particularly when the mail merge fails

© darren freak

Redundancy Diaries - Thank God You're Here

Redundancy Diaries #2 Thank God You’re Here

The week since the announcement of my redundancy has been one of sympathy from colleagues some of it real, sincere and empathetic some not so much. I got sympathy from people I had never even heard of or met, including people from the unit in which I worked.

If I had to look your name and/or photo up on the intranet then it is probably too late to start communicating with me, unless of course you have rules about relationships with people at work….

If the footage of people sharing with me their messages of sympathy and best wishes would shown on SBS, the subtitles would read “Thank God you’re here!” “Thank God you’re here, otherwise it might have been one of us that was made redundant. It might have been me.”

It makes for good farewell gifts though the mix of guilt and relief tends to make people quite generous. Like a drunken high school dare, I took one for the team and therefore got to take home the loot.

© Darren Freak 2009

Redundancy Diaries – Let’s start at the very beginning

It is a very good place to start. When you read you begin with ABC, when you sing you begin with do re mi. When your fired you begin with re-dun-dan-cy

My notification was surprisingly dull. My regular supervision meeting with my Director was hijacked. I knew it was bad news when arriving at the meeting I found not only my Director both HR Manager waiting for me. No meeting when the HR manager is unexpectedly in attendance is ever good. In case there was any possibility of confusion the feeling of dread was confirmed by my Director.

His first words, before I had even sat down, were, “Darren, I am afraid I have bad news.”

What did he have to be afraid of? I was the one being fired! His office is all glass visible of me killing him with a weapon constructed of my felt-tip pen, diary and spiral bound note book using a technique I learned from MacGyver.

What disappointed me most was the lack of occasion. Something, anything I would have liked a little bit of effort to make the moment more memorable. Balloons with the message we are going to burst your dreams. Donuts and pastries – this is the last dough you will be getting from us, or simply (and this would be my preferred option) a hooker standing there in her underwear “You’re screwed!”

But alas there was none of that. Just a very to-the-point discussion, this is what is happening, when it is happening and how much money will be involved. Regretfully they tell us (cuckoo, cuckoo) but firmly they compel us (cuckoo, cuckoo) to say goodbye (cuckoo) to you…

20 to 1

20 to 1 things D-cade celebrities could do instead of offering inane commentaries and barely recognisable impersonations of real celebrities on television list shows.

20            Practice the craft for which they became famous, musicians write and record songs, actors join a theatre company, broadcasters get an actual opinion and then start telling people about it.

19            Do what every other celebrity does when his/her bubble starts to burst, design your own range of underwear.

18            Go to Africa and pretend to rough it, whilst filming an advert or documentary for World Vision in surprisingly clean and freshly ironed clothing.

17            Follow the advice of the Mormons, WorkHealth and TAC, spend more time with your families.

16             Get your publicist to update the tabloids about every single date you ever have so we all know when you think you have found your soul mate, discovered your inner strength and therefore no longer need a partner, are depressed because you feel unlovable, becoming desperate to have a child, become engaged, postpone the wedding, believed the rumours that s/he is cheating on you, feel betrayed, find your soul mate…

15            Plan and promote a revival tour/album/show containing all of your old material that initially feels nostalgic and attracts huge audiences.

14            Conduct a second revival tour/album/show where the nostalgia turns to pity as the material appears outdated and laboured with a hint of inappropriateness for good measure.

13            Get a ghost writer to document your memoirs in a style that marginally entertaining before joining the book promotion bandwagon to flog your “autobiography” to an audience who will come up to you on the street to ask “are you that person from TV/radio? You know the one s/he was on that show a few years ago, the one with the other people and the talking. Is that you?”

12            Return to your roots, start waiting tables.

11            Lose weight, then sign up to be the face and body with a diet company.  *Actual impact on your level of celebrity will may vary.

10            Go on a round the world holiday, collecting orphaned infants from every country you visit as a souvenir.

9            Marry an A-grade celebrity, this strategy is more effective if you get your publicist to update the tabloids about every single date you ever have so we all know when you think you have found your soul mate…

8            Start a Facebook fan page about yourself.           

7            Nominate yourself for the next local, state or federal election. If you win, take on a portfolio that is ethically opposed to any philosophical position you had at the height of your fame.

6            Become a producer, developing new talent, creating the next generation of one-hit wonder/D grade celebrities.

5            Judge a performance based reality/game show and continually remind everyone what is was like and just how hard they have to work to stay “at the top”, based on your experience of not staying at the top. A big decision needs to be made before becoming a judge, what sort of judge will you be? The overly emotional judge who often wipes away a tear, displays empathetic smiles and speaks in a breathy (supposedly compassionate) voice. The opinionated, “expert” judge who is overly critical, bordering on offensive. The other judge who seems to merely stick with the response of the audience in order to make themselves look popular  - the perfect role for someone prone to bouts of unexplained and uncontrollable screaming or laughter or for people who have an inventive vocabulary.

4            Hold a press conference with your life partner, to explain that you have been cheating but now understand the error of your ways and the hurt you have caused your family, the person with whom you have played doctors and nurses and your supportive fans, but mainly your partner who swears that they will stick by you no matter what. If you want to become a D-grade celebrity hold a press conference you were the person with whom a celerity was having an affair.

3            Get in touch with your inner “whacky” in the hope of getting a job as a television weather presenter or “journalist” reporting the human interest story which features after the weather on the nightly news.

2            Open up a used-car dealership. This appears to be a relatively effective strategies for sports stars from yesteryear.

1            Anything else! It is guaranteed to be more entertaining than reading over scripted sound-bites on long forgotten moments of pop culture.

When enough is too much

The football finals are over. There I have said it. The players who actually played and won their respective grand finals have taken off their team colours (including Melbourne Storm who have barely walked off the field. So spectators please put your scarves, beanies and gurnseys off, put them back in the cupboard and get on with life.

The only people still wearing their teams colours should be upset because the have just returned to school for another ten weeks before the summer holidays or would be the unfortunate targets of Sam Newman’s attempt at entertainment un the Footy Show segment “Street Talk”.

All indication of sporting allegiance should be shelved a week after your team of choice finishes its season. Cricket supporters have got this one right. Sure they might drink their body weight in light beer the game, fashion a hat out of a watermelon or decide that a kiddies’ wading pool is the most comfortable seat for 8 hours in the sun watching a game that will continue for up to 4 more days BUT they only wear the team uniform on the day of their attendance.

Nationally we run the risk of all failing to recognise when enough is too much as we head full throttle into the Christmas season. A few lights twinkling in the window is quite attractive and festive. Being able to see the glow from the moon might be a little over the top. So many families become the Griswalds on Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. In tough economic and environmental times lights do not appear to be a rational decision.

Reducing our carbon footprint, emission trading schemes and stimulus packages I think the government could become world leaders by taking to Copenhagen a plan to limit the amount of fairy lights per residence.

This is but the first problem when it comes to Christmas decorations. There is the challenge of when to put them up. Just because the shops are selling them it does not mean it is time to put them up. As a rule if Father Christmas has not arrived in town, whether it be at the end of a pageant, in a helicopter or on the back of a ute then it is not time to dust off the tree. No matter how often the kids nag for it.

Keep in mind there are only 12 days of Christmas and whatever goes must come down. According to the Christian calendar then the Christmas season actually starts on Christmas Day. So 12.01am having finished wrapping the presents, mother and father “Christmas” should set up the tree in order to put down the gifts. Leading inot the Christmas season is Advent which is the four Sundays preceding Christmas. So unless the advent calendar glows in the dark there should be no decorative lights.

I do not want to see reindeer, tinsel, wreaths or fake snow in February AND if the decorations are back in storage then it is no longer appropriate to be wishing anyone happy New Year. Just because it is the first time you have seen that person in a particular calendar year does not mean it is appropriate. With that logic I could be partying at the end of September with my mates after my football team won the premiership or out for Christmas drinks with work colleague, meet a young woman for the very first time and drop it as a pick up line.

“Happy New Year” , pull out a sprig of mistletoe and go in for the first kiss.

Adding to my list of things that fall into the category of Enough is too much.; John Farnham, Jimmy Barnes and James Morrison. Yes you are all extremely talented performers but surely Australia has produced other real talent in the past 20-30 years.

Daryl Somers. ENOUGH!

I love garlic but have discovered recently that there is such a thing as too much. By way of explanation I offer you garlic flavoured Weet-Bix for breakfast. Three days in a row.

Finally, it is almost enough of my Melbourne Fringe show “Welcome to the Freak Show”. It is coming to the end of its run withonly 6 show left don’t be the person who misses out. Showing at Velvet Cabaret in North Melbourne shows starts at 7.30pm, 7pm Saturday. Get tickets and further details at http://www.melbournefringe.com.au/fringe-festival/show/welcome-to-the-freak-show. Though you will never get enough of my musical comedy.

Real Men Don't Cry

Real Men Don’t Cry

I wonder if anyone ever mentioned this to footballers. Considered the pinnacle of Australian heterosexuality they are not allowed to have team sexual encounters, drink alcohol, or heaven’s forbid stay up late. But going the blub? Fully acceptable, neigh expected.

Particularly about football.

It is appropriate to cry if you lose a final, regardless of which finals round your team fails. It is also appropriate if you win a final, regardless of the round. Compare this to the bone crunching blows, consciousness ending tackles and random misplaced elbows that break teeth, noses or both. None of these traumas warrant any sort of salty discharge.

Tearing up however may be accepted in relation to football if you kick the winning goal after the siren or if you retire. Using the principle of precedent it also appropriate to cry if you weren’t personally involved in the game but players wearing the coloured uniform of your preference lost. Apparently they lost on your behalf.

To be honest as a spectator it is not only alright to cry at the sight of your teams disappointing score line. You can through a tantrum so complete in its anguish it is only rivalled by a four year old being refused a treat by his/her exhausted mother as she tries desperately to avoid the confectionery aisle whilst completing the weekly grocery shopping.

I blame the amount of crying associated with football to the amount of hair product now used by the players. The bleach, the mousse, the gells and wax. Just like women it chemically alters their brain and predisposes them to emotional outbursts. If they can endure the waxing of all of their body then a footballer can cope with losing a game.

Are there other times when it might be appropriate for the male gender to cry?

Hit thumb with a hammer? No. Hit genitals with anything, yes. Birth of your own child? It depends on where he is standing at the time of the birth. If he is at the pub watching his footy team lose then yes. If he was at the pub when he was meant to be in the delivery room then even the thought of what the new mother will do to his genitals when he does make appearance in the maternity wing of the local hospital, then that is also an acceptable time to whip out a Kleenex.

If the new father is in his rightful place at the birth ready with surgical scissors to cut the umbilical cord then his right to cry depends on at which end of the gurney he stands. If he is at the head to wipe the brow of his child’s mother or to hold her hand then I am sorry it does not matter how tightly she grips his arm then there is no tears allowed. She can gauge her fingernails to the bone in his forearms but he can never cry because as all men know there is no pain we can experience that will ever compare to the pain of giving birth. If however he is standing at the feet to witness the miracle of new life for himself only to see the woman defecate involuntarily just moments before her vagina suffers a level three tear requiring stitches that number into the double digits. The nhe may shed a tear.

He can sob uncontrollably and his mates would understand completely.

The sale or accidental destruction of his first car, or even just the very first scratch or car park ding may be an acceptable cause of getting in touch with his feminine side. That and the death of his dog. This grief may also lead to days of spending every waking hour in the shed, tinkering or repeatedly watching the DVD of his football team losing last years grand final.