20 to 1

20 to 1 things D-cade celebrities could do instead of offering inane commentaries and barely recognisable impersonations of real celebrities on television list shows.

20            Practice the craft for which they became famous, musicians write and record songs, actors join a theatre company, broadcasters get an actual opinion and then start telling people about it.

19            Do what every other celebrity does when his/her bubble starts to burst, design your own range of underwear.

18            Go to Africa and pretend to rough it, whilst filming an advert or documentary for World Vision in surprisingly clean and freshly ironed clothing.

17            Follow the advice of the Mormons, WorkHealth and TAC, spend more time with your families.

16             Get your publicist to update the tabloids about every single date you ever have so we all know when you think you have found your soul mate, discovered your inner strength and therefore no longer need a partner, are depressed because you feel unlovable, becoming desperate to have a child, become engaged, postpone the wedding, believed the rumours that s/he is cheating on you, feel betrayed, find your soul mate…

15            Plan and promote a revival tour/album/show containing all of your old material that initially feels nostalgic and attracts huge audiences.

14            Conduct a second revival tour/album/show where the nostalgia turns to pity as the material appears outdated and laboured with a hint of inappropriateness for good measure.

13            Get a ghost writer to document your memoirs in a style that marginally entertaining before joining the book promotion bandwagon to flog your “autobiography” to an audience who will come up to you on the street to ask “are you that person from TV/radio? You know the one s/he was on that show a few years ago, the one with the other people and the talking. Is that you?”

12            Return to your roots, start waiting tables.

11            Lose weight, then sign up to be the face and body with a diet company.  *Actual impact on your level of celebrity will may vary.

10            Go on a round the world holiday, collecting orphaned infants from every country you visit as a souvenir.

9            Marry an A-grade celebrity, this strategy is more effective if you get your publicist to update the tabloids about every single date you ever have so we all know when you think you have found your soul mate…

8            Start a Facebook fan page about yourself.           

7            Nominate yourself for the next local, state or federal election. If you win, take on a portfolio that is ethically opposed to any philosophical position you had at the height of your fame.

6            Become a producer, developing new talent, creating the next generation of one-hit wonder/D grade celebrities.

5            Judge a performance based reality/game show and continually remind everyone what is was like and just how hard they have to work to stay “at the top”, based on your experience of not staying at the top. A big decision needs to be made before becoming a judge, what sort of judge will you be? The overly emotional judge who often wipes away a tear, displays empathetic smiles and speaks in a breathy (supposedly compassionate) voice. The opinionated, “expert” judge who is overly critical, bordering on offensive. The other judge who seems to merely stick with the response of the audience in order to make themselves look popular  - the perfect role for someone prone to bouts of unexplained and uncontrollable screaming or laughter or for people who have an inventive vocabulary.

4            Hold a press conference with your life partner, to explain that you have been cheating but now understand the error of your ways and the hurt you have caused your family, the person with whom you have played doctors and nurses and your supportive fans, but mainly your partner who swears that they will stick by you no matter what. If you want to become a D-grade celebrity hold a press conference you were the person with whom a celerity was having an affair.

3            Get in touch with your inner “whacky” in the hope of getting a job as a television weather presenter or “journalist” reporting the human interest story which features after the weather on the nightly news.

2            Open up a used-car dealership. This appears to be a relatively effective strategies for sports stars from yesteryear.

1            Anything else! It is guaranteed to be more entertaining than reading over scripted sound-bites on long forgotten moments of pop culture.