Higher Faster Stronger

The Olympics are upon us all again and the world’s elite athletes compete for trinkets, fame and fortune. “Faster Higher Stronger” is the motto of the game. For the Latin linguists it is “Citius, Altius, Fortius”. Can this motto be applied to all of the sports.

I have a problem with any sport in which there is an artistic judging element; synchronized swimming, rhythmic gymnastics and diving for example. It is beyond question that they take great skill and strength. However they also get judged on form. How pointy were the toes, Interpretation of music, smiles.

The Olympic motto is not “Faster Higher Stronger Prettier.

Remove all of the subjective judging.

Diving, get Jamie and Adam from Mythbusters  to set up a rig with measuring intervals and a time lapse camera to measure exactly who had the smallest splash.

Synchronised swimming for example there could be basic elements that can be objectively measured; which country hold their breath for the longest, which country lifts one of their team the highest out of the water.

Rhythmic gymnastics twirl a ribbon, throw a ball all very good. Hard to measure. Set up structures like show jumping in equestrian. Throw the ball up roll under the hurdle before catching it. Loose a point for every bar you knock down from the hurdle. Have combinations, over one hurdle, under another, have a water jump. Each of them could be designed to look like major tourist attractions from the host country. For the ribbon, the highest twirl, use a decibel meter to measure the loudest crack when it is moved like a stock whip.

If it is a requirement of the sport to wear make up, it is sport or art. Either is fine but the Olympics are about sport not art (except for the opening and closing ceremonies).

If we are serious about combining sport and art then medals should be awarded for countries that use the most condoms. The standard order of condoms for the Olympic Athletes Villages is 100,00. Definitely works up a sweat and some positions are definitely creative. There would be no shortage of competitors or judges! Not sure anyone wants to have the record for the “Faster” part of the motto.

Admittedly some athletes, particularly those competing in track events, seem confused about the artistic elements of their chosen sport. A sprint is about being the fastest yet heavy gold jewelry large earrings, gold shoes and exotic hairstyles – al things that have the potential to slow you down, adorn may competitors before, during and after competition.

This is a side effect of sport – money. Being flashy gets you noticed, identifies a “personality” and makes you potentially more desirable for sponsorship. Being the best is not important, being marketable is. Just look at Anna Kournikova, never won a tennis tournament and yet was the most marketable player on the circuit in her day. Because she was prettier.

Luck also has a lot to do with, winter Olympics’ Steve Bradbury is an obvious example. Too obvious. Australian swimmers have a proud and successful record in Olympic Games, but not all of our aquatic medalists have enjoyed the riches of milk, museli bars or cereal endorsements or hosting a notional television weight loss programs.

In the marketing world having a point of difference is important , hence the jewellery, tattoos and hair dos of the track athletes. South Africa’s Oscar Pistorius is a shoe in (pun intended). Known as the Blade Runner he has artificial lower legs and has qualifies for both the Olympic and Paralympic London Games. It is not often that a person born without fibula resulting in the amputation of htheir lower can be seen as lucky. In the world of sponsorship and marketing, his missing limbs, and athletic ability are gold.

Olympics,

Faster Higher Stronger,

Prettier Luckier Richer.

Film Review: The Door

The Door

…Should be slammed closed and secured as tightly as  it is portrayed in the film during the fumigation scene Helen Mirren portrayal of a 1960’s Hungarian house maid is excellent in a story that unfortunately travels even less than her character.

I was surprised Helen Mirren was in this movie, as I did not know that she could speak Hungarian. She can’t! There was a hint of accent much like the portrayal of German soldiers in most WWII television and movie depictions.

A wealthy writer and her husband employ the maid to cook and clean for them. The house mistress form a strong but clumsy friendship as they navigate the challenges of deeply caring for each other whilst maintaining their professional hierarchy.

The end.

For 98 minutes I waited for something of interest, something exciting to happen. Like Vladamir and Estragon, I am unfortunately left waiting.

This flat narrative carries the themes of love, trust and honour. With such a thin story line these themes are very close to the surface and are therefore require very little interpretation by the viewer.

A point of interest is whether or not Helen Mirren is wearing make up. If she is then it is exceptional partly because it is questioned if the make up exists and partly because it depicts the face of a hardworking ageing woman. If not then although it can be said that she is ageing gracefully, she is definitely ageing.

The stoic and stubborn nature of her character than is unafraid of speaking her mind does give some hope to the viewer only that her turn of phrase is scathing and humourous at the same time.

This still was not enough to keep all of the punters in the cinema awake for the duration of the film. Helen Mirren has again demonstrated her immense acting ability but a quality film needs more than one good performance.

The highlight was the butterscotch choc-top ice cream. Unfortunately this was all but eaten before the adverts and trailers had ended.

Brazil v Argentina - second half

Into the second half of a tight but high scoring game, we would expect nothing less from these South American powerhouses.




Neither country provided hot showers on a consistent basis, on too many occasions room temperature was to be considered “hot”. Toilets however are a different matter, while both countries offered toilets there was a big disparity between them. Brazil offered toilets that ranged from a hole in the ground/squat style to bidets. Unfortunately for Brazil their sewage system can only cope with organic waste meaning used toilet paper is to be placed in a (usually lidless) bin sitting alongside the toilet. This leads to much unwanted odour and even less wanted flies.



Argentina offered no squats (I never can get my balance) just regular bowls with flushing mechanisms that could manage paper waste, and of course bidets in hotels



Fortunately (or maybe unfortunately) my bowels come equipped with a hygienic-toilet-sensor. If the toilet is not of suitable quality and cleanliness my bowels refuse to evacuate. Three days was the limit in Brazil, not even close to the nine days I endured in southern Africa.



Argentina 4- Brazil 3



Television

Both countries provided cable television with a large array of channels, filling all of the normal genres, infomercial, history, natural world, movies, comedy, religion, cooking, drama/soap operas, and news. In addition both offered a tourism channel either specific to the local area or country.



Both countries offered some English language shows – both learn to speak English, and shows broadcast in English with Portuguese or Spanish subtitles.



Except for CNN news which was available in English or Portuguese (either way it was light on in respect to actual news content) Brazil only offered the occasional entertainment show in English. Thankfully one of them was Seinfeld.



Argentina showed off by having dedicated English broadcasting channels, Comedy, old movies, what appeared to be a channel dedicated to House and a drama channel. Unfortunately for Argentina they got a bit cocky and let one slip past the keeper when programmers schedules According to Jim to have 4 timeslots per day on the comedy channel.



According to the video referee the score is now 4 all.



Dance

Argentina offers the tango, lots of tango. A dance that although originating in Argentina in the working classes was not accepted as a favourable style until after it was popularised in France. Tango is a dance of power, athleticism, grace and seduction – if done correctly. At a dinner and show there was one couple where the woman appeared to be on a piece of string. She twisted and turned as her partner appeared to effortlessly fling her around, body continuously intertwined. This was followed by an old couple – who had to be the owners to be given any stage time – who merely shuffled around the stage roughly in time with the music.



Brazil offers Capoeira, the ‘fight dance” a style evolving out of the martial arts of the African slaves sent to Brazil between the 16th and 19th centuries. It has gone through its political challenges paralleling the changing attitudes to slavery in Brazil. Banned in the late 19th –early 20th centuries Capoeira is now celebrated as an important aspect of Brazilian culture. It is aggressive, combative rhythmic and strong coupled with percussion driven music. It appears to be a dance performed by men.



Both dances when performed at their best are unique and spectacular.



Score remains 4 all.



Brazil treats its road rules like the photograph on the package of processed food, they are “a suggestion only”. Two marked lanes on the road – this does not limit traffic to only travelling 2 a breast, if five vehicles can physically fit side by side then they will try for six. Indicators and speed limits are for sissies. Bus rides are exciting as they are determined to get to the destination in record time and change lanes when they want to regardless of the movement of other traffic



Argentina is a lot more orderly, lane changes are still unexpected, but traffic lights, speed limits etc are followed.



On the basis that for a mere $1 one can get transport and a ride far more exciting than any rollercoaster, Brazil scores again



4 - 5



Electric power is something that just bugs me during travel. The world has come to agreement on passports, airline tickets, USB ports, batteries, and the ingredients of a Big Mac and yet the plugs for electrical appliances still differ around the world.



Agents will advise travellers that Argentina and Brazil both utilise the “European” style plug. No –one appears to have told Brazil. In one hotel there were four different shapes and sizes of sockets (the hotel could not even chose which one to use) and none of them were the European style. The hotel’s adaptors did not accept the Australian plug so I had my charger plugged into and Australian-European adaptor which in turn was plugged into an European-Brazilian factor.



Argentina follows the rules and uses the European style plug.



Red card Brazil.



Score remains Argentina 4 – Brazil 5



Travelling around Brazil and Argentina both in the cities and across rural desolate areas wifi was always available and it was free! Sure sometimes the connection was slow and had tendencies to drop out if you did not stand with one foot in the air, but it was there. Australia has never really been able to compete in the world game.



No scores.



Both countries are Catholic and therefore have grand cathedrals in their cities, and some interesting churches in their regions. Opulent in their decor with mosaic floors, artworks, sculptures stained glass windows and shrines. Argentina however do not charge visitors. even when funerals are in progress. Tourists are welcome to wonder everywhere in the building except to the alter itself and take as many photos as they like, with or without flash. The security and church officials did not mind, the mourners were not put out and it was free.



Full time score Argentina 5 – Brazil 5



Both countries charge a reciprocity fee for Australians to enter the country. Brazil require it to be paid in advance through your local Embassy/Consulate and an appropriate visa is glued into the passport. Argentina it is paid upon entry at the airport – if you remind them. If you do not remind them it is US$100 extra in your pockets. Argentina wins in a penalty shoot out 1-0.

Brazil v Argentina

Recently Argentina beat Brazil 4-3 in an international football/soccer game. I know this because I was in Salvador at the time trying to be a tourist, doing my share of dining, shopping and sight-seeing (not necessarily either in that order or as actions independent of each other) The city had come to a standstill to watch the game. Any interruption of an Australian wanting to add to the local economy was greeted with a look ranging from disinterest to horror. Peak hour traffic seemed to be later in the day than expected in most Brazilian cities. This was not due to some greater work ethic but rather the end of work game of football that was played daily.

This love of football, as extreme as it was did not compare to that of Argentina. In the Presidential Palace in Buenos Aires there are paintings, photographs and statues recognising people important in Argentina’s history; artists, performers, revolutionists, political and military leaders and sports stars. Each was afforded one or two representations. Except Maradona. He had a wall of photographs in his honour. The commitment to football did not stop there. The palace contained many rooms, the President’s personal office, caucus meeting room, estate room for international dignitaries, the waiting room for said dignitaries, the presentation room and of course the room dedicated to welcoming the national football side before and after every international tournament.

Argentina 1, Brazil 0.



Brazilians are very good looking, but are aggressive and in the major cities likely to want to steal from tourists. Tourists will be distracted by how little clothing the potential thieves are wearing at the time. Argentina whilst less pleasing to the eye will be more willing to help tourists and have a greater grasp of the English language. Even beggars, despite their obvious lack of education speak fluent English when there is a chance it will lead to money. Argentineans are also very willing to accost people in the street and offer them sex at surprisingly cheap prices, however I want to point out the earlier statements about their appearance.



No addition to the score.



Natural wonder, Brazil boasts the Amazon with its wondrous array of fauna and flora. Then there are the mountains, the rock pools, caves, crystals and minor waterfalls. Then there is Iguazu Falls, 20% of the worlds second largest waterfall is in Brazil. It is also the best place for the perfect National Geographic come postcard photograph.



Argentina lays claim to the remaining 80% of the falls. On this side visitors can truly visit the falls of walk ways that in many cases take tourists right over the “fall”. One cannot stay dry on the Argentinean side and the power of the falls will blow off any article of clothing that is not securely fastened. Further south Argentina also offers glaciers.



Excellent defence and counter attack, but alas all to no avail.



When it comes to souvenirs Argentina has a much bigger range available, in some places it seems like it is the main purpose for the town’s existence. Both Argentina and Brazil have an equal supply of cheap and tacky souvenirs, perfect for work colleagues and other people to whom wary tourists must supply a gift on their return home. Brazil does make souvenir shopping easier by clumping their sellers altogether in large market places. Almost scoring an own-goal Argentina does focus the artistic designs of its souvenirs heavily on football and tango. In the complete absence of snow domes in Brazil...



Argentina 2, Brazil 0.

Beaches. Brazil. Copacabana Rio de Jeneiro + Brazilian cut swimwear.

Argentina 2, Brazil 1.

Brazil even in winter has weather consistently in the high twenties low thirties however it often comes with high humidity. A person should be able to notice the difference in moisture on their skin after towelling down after a shower or swim. All perfect if you are a summer person, not so much if you are a spring, winter or autumn person.

Argentina being further south has more variable weather and being the closest land mass to Antarctica can get more than chilly in some areas.

No change in score.

Brazil offers meat and three veg types of meals with the meat being mainly chicken or fish. Vegetables include: spinach, beans, pumpkin, potatoes, corn, tomatoes and more beans.

Argentina has a much more varied cuisine with Spanish, French and Italian influences. They are also renown for their beef and wine, with good reason. Steaks just melt in your mouth and the wine while it is no Barossa Valley vintage is still very smooth.

Ultimately it is the amazing flavours of a traditional Brazilian BBQ chicken that gets them across the line

2 all.

Argentina has a revolutionary past, as a consequence they do love a protest rally. In a four day period in Buenos Aires I witnessed no less than 7 protests; Traffic police, past soldiers, families of lost children, evangelical Christians and three others which due to my lack of Spanish language skills I never determined their cause. The one thing I did notice was that they were all highly organised, scaffolding, amplification equipment, professional banners and flags, pins, shirts and hats. Brazil there was only one protest about the right to have unions. Quite frankly if they are protesting already then they do not really need a union.

Argentina 2, Brazil 3 (Argentina own goal)

Brazil can’t win this one, on exchange rate alone. (1:2 for Brazil, 1:4 Argentina). Argentina then sweetens the deal by offering 1:5 if tourists use the American dollar – a currency they still think is worth something. Besides that the prices are just cheaper in Argentina. I bought a pair of shoes that would have cost around $250 in Australia for only $100. In Brazil I paid $15 for a fridge magnet!

3 all.

Half time.

The Real Signs of Ageing

Loreal tells us there are five signs of ageing, Oil of Olay reckon there are seven. The Boffins at the Ponds Institute will not commit to how many signs of ageing there are but the do however promise to reverse them in just seven days.

The cosmetic industry are clearly not trying hard enough, I can think of 40 and many of them can be remedies immediately.

1. You no longer buy Worthers originals for yourself instead they are just for the grandkiddies.
2. You have grandkiddies
3. You use the word “kiddies”.
4. You own a snuggie, double points if you use it at home when you have company or if you have ever used it outside of your own home.
5. Your idea of a perfect evening is a good cup tea, curled up in your snuggie and sucking on a Worthers original.
6. You wear your pants high enough to cover the brand name on the elastic of your underwear. Start looking for a retirement home if the waist band of your pants is closer to your nipples than it is to your pelvis.
7. Your underwear does not have the brand name on its elastic.
8. You remember when a handshake for Michael J Fox meant he was greeting someone.
9. Television shows were created using actors and professional entertainers and the record charts were made up of artists that had spent years honing their craft on stages in clubs and pubs, building an audience following, waiting to be discovered.
10. The edgy hard rock music you listened to in your youth is now being played on easy listening radio stations and in department store elevators.
11. You get excited about buy whitegoods.
12. You can finally buy the sports car, the poster of which hung on your teenage-self’s bedroom draped with a bikini-clad model. You are disappointed that the purchase of the car does not attract that attention of said model.
13. Hats are for protection not fashion.
14. The brim of a hat faced forward.
15. You ever start a sentence with a phrase like “I remember when…” or When I was their age…”
16. Travel is really about the journey and not the destination, you are choosing holidays based on scenery.
17. You ever owned a jumper in the style of Bill Cosby from the Cosby Show era Daryl Somers during his Hey Hey It’s Saturday period.
18. You remember Hey Hey It’s Saturday when it was entertaining
19. You can remember when people were surprised to discover that the members of The Village People are gay.
20. You remember when gay meant happy.
21. You used to be able to walk your dog and eave its dropping where they lay to slowly turn white.
22. An Atari game consol is not retro, it is a childhood keepsake
23. You have only used the AM dial when organising the preset buttons on you car radio.
24. You think “LOL” means lots of love.
25. The records you still own are cool again
26. Lighting is equally important as food quality when choosing a restaurant – so you can read the menu
27. When you bought your iPod it was an upgrade from your discman. You are a winner in the aged stakes if the discman was an upgrade from a walkman.
28. You use the word “the” as a prefix when talking about computer applications. Eg the Facebook
29. You have paid off your HECS debt.
30. You have a university degree but do not know what a HECS debt is.
31. You have understood and agreed with each of the statements thus far in this blog.
32. You read blogs.
33. You need to use ointment regularly for aches and pains that seeming create themselves just from sitting or laying down in a slightly different position.
34. You use the word ointment.
35. You use coasters, and demand that all of your visitors do the same.
36. Your friends are dying of natural causes, and although deeply saddened no-one seems particularly shocked, instead they use consoling phrases like well “he had a good innings”
37. You prefer your steak cooked medium, not because of the flavour but because it is easier to chew
38. You rode a bike to school are were allowed to go to the playground buy yourself after school and on weekends
39. The set of Ansett Airline teaspoons in your cutlery drawer are not items that you bought from a second hand/antiques dealer but are in fact souvenirs you collected yourself when flying within Australia
40. You turn off water and power to save money not the environment

Turn Left

I am part of a minority and have subsequently suffered years of prejudice and discrimination. It was institutionalised. From the moment I started school, when all of my teachers did not provide access to appropriate equipment and utensils, items that were afforded to my class mates.

I am left-handed

I  luckier than my left-handed forebears who had their left-handedness systematically beaten out of them. Literally. My parents generation and the generations before them hand their hands smacked by their educators if they dared use their left appendage, forcing them to become un-naturally right-handed. They apparently went on to become doctors.

Left-handedness is correctly known as “’sinistrality” derived from the Latin word for left but of course now meaning evil or unlucky. My Year 11 biology teacher also described it as a a deformity as it was not the majority.

The English language has embraced the synonymity of left and evil or unlucky.

Left overs are described negatively, just remember the shame of asking for a doggy bag when you can not finish the restaurant meal. Of course this is ignoring the wonder that is left over lasagne and casseroles where the flavours have completed their blending or the culinary delicacy that is cold pizza, pulled out of the fridge for breakfast after a big night the night before.

Most famously concert goers were told Elvis had left the building. Meaning all of the excitement and entertainment is now over. There is am implied disappointment for anyone remaining in the building hoping to catch one more glimpse of the King. Paraphrasing Rolf Harris’ Court of King Caractacus “you’re too late, because he’s just passed by”

Have you ever been left in the lurch, abandoned or in a position where there is no help or escape? It is not fun. It is also ironic as these situation usually do have a solution, it just requires logical thinking logic and reasoning – understood to be functions of the left side of the brain.

If you support the disadvantaged, equality and social change you will be derogatorily referred to as being a lefty. Because wanting change that leads to the betterment of the lives of people around you is to be belittled and ridiculed.

Mind you, there is something to be said for wanting structure, to maintain order in a free and competitive society.

When people, particularly those supposedly working together are found to not only not be working together but apparently working against each other it is said that the left hand does not know what the right hand is doing. Implying that the left hand is disorganised and unintelligent.

In a similar vein out of left field is often used to describe events or ideas that were surprising or unexpected – translation unwanted and weird.

People who live with the affliction of being left handed may be teased throughout life as being “cacky handed”, implying they are clumsy, awkward and inappropriate. Cack comes from the Latin cacåre meaning defecate. Which leads to perhaps the greatest insult for my left handed brethren. The reason the world shakes hand with the right hand is that the left hand was historically used to wipe the bottom after ablutions, well before the invention of toilet paper.

Gay marriage rights, indigenous land rights, free speech rights, all trivialities what we should be protesting for is lefts rights.

The Trouble of Gifts

Never look a gift horse in the mouth. Taken literally, I can honestly say that I have never been given a horse as a gift so I have never had to face this temptation. Metaphorically I have looked at the gift giver with a fake smile of appreciation. Haven’t we all.

The worst gift givers in my life are undoubtedly my parents. In my teens I started searching for the gifts prior to the day they were to be gifted to me. Thankfully my mother is as good at hiding gifts as she is at giving them. One year I found my Easter eggs carefully hidden in the fridge just behind the milk!

I continued searching for my gifts well into my adulthood just so I could express my shock and disappointment in private and then have enough time to perfect my look of joy and practice my spontaneous words of joy and thanks.

My family often ask “what do you want…?”, a clear indication that they have no idea what to buy. In fact it is an admission that they do not know me. Different if the question is prefaced by the questioners knowledge of a specific set of circumstances that may influence their gift giving. Eg “Is there anything you need for your newly renovated lounge room?” or “You are travelling soon, is there anything in particular for that trip?”

The Body Shop and Dusk (candles) have made their owners very rich indeed trading on the ignorance of gift givers. If all else fails give someone soap, body lotion or a fragrant candle. Ignore the subtle message that is being bought along with the gift - the receiver of this gift smells. The only thing lower than soap is a gift voucher. This just indicates that you could not even be bothered trying to decide on a gift. It simply demonstrates that you completely gave up trying.

Generally I do not like shopping for gifts, there is so much pressure. The gift reflects the relationship, it tells the truth. Wether it be that you know the person dearly, that you understand their needs and wants or that you are really out of touch or careless.

Earphones should not be a great gift. But it turns out they can be. I listen to the MP3 player of my choice a lot. At the gym, on the train and walking through shopping precincts to help me escape from world around me or in the middle of the night to help escape from my sleeplessness. Sound blocking headphones are therefore the perfect gift. I have quite a liking of new clothes, particularly shirts and jackets, any addition to by wardrobe –busting collection is always welcome.

The perfect does not have to be expensive, it just has to be the right gift for the person. During my childhood gifts were always rated on the “ooh and ah scale”. The more my mum ooh-ed and ah-ed about a gift the better it was. My sister and I have always preferred gifts that rate high on the buyers ooh and ah scale rather than that of the receiver.

The more a gift jumps off the shelf demanding to be bought for the receiver. Going shopping with an open mind and no list only adds to the pressure. The best gifts I have bought are ones that leave you know option but to buy them. Like purchasing a new pet, the right will choose you.

The Swap Over is the best. When a gift has been selected and the purchaser is making their way to the cash register and they are stopped in their tracks as the “good gift” is out bidded by the perfect gift that miraculously catches the gift giver’s eye just moments before the cashier calls “next”. Despite the pain of having to re-enter the ridiculously long line, the gift giver will, without hesitation leave the already navigated line to complete a swap over.

Cliché gifts are rarely wanted or needed by the receiver. Pewter beer pitchers for a 21^st are not the perfect gift unless of course they recipient is a regular participant in medieval re-enactments. A gold watch for a retirement gift is at best redundant. The whole point of retirement is that the retiree no longer needs to live heir life by the clock. As it turns out, buying a retiree incontinence pads will not be appreciated by the receiver.

Collections also have their own risks. Before adding to someone else’s a collection ask yourself two questions.

1. Have you bought every piece in the persons collection? If yes, do not buy any more.
2. Is the last item in the persons collection not bought by you more than five ears old? If yes, do not buy any more.

And finally, as buyer of gifts for other people keep in mind it is of no consequence if you like the gift, only if the receiver does. Never buy a gift if you catch yourself thinking “I could really use this.” Unless of course it is a gift for my grandmother, now 96 years old she has been putting little stickers on every non-perishable gift since she turned 70. The sticker has the name of the person who gave the gift. This an official part of her last will and testament. Everyone receives back every item they have given her.

I am really looking forward to the fine china tea set hand-painted with images of a blue wren – it will go perfectly with my home gym.