Saturday, May 19, 2012

The Real Signs of Ageing

Loreal tells us there are five signs of ageing, Oil of Olay reckon there are seven. The Boffins at the Ponds Institute will not commit to how many signs of ageing there are but the do however promise to reverse them in just seven days.

The cosmetic industry are clearly not trying hard enough, I can think of 40 and many of them can be remedies immediately.

  1. You no longer buy Worthers originals for yourself instead they are just for the grandkiddies.
  2. You have grandkiddies
  3. You use the word “kiddies”.
  4. You own a snuggie, double points if you use it at home when you have company or if you have ever used it outside of your own home.
  5. Your idea of a perfect evening is a good cup tea, curled up in your snuggie and sucking on a Worthers original.
  6. You wear your pants high enough to cover the brand name on the elastic of your underwear. Start looking for a retirement home if the waist band of your pants is closer to your nipples than it is to your pelvis.
  7. Your underwear does not have the brand name on its elastic.
  8. You remember when a handshake for Michael J Fox meant he was greeting someone.
  9. Television shows were created using actors and professional entertainers and the record charts were made up of artists that had spent years honing their craft on stages in clubs and pubs, building an audience following, waiting to be discovered.
  10. The edgy hard rock music you listened to in your youth is now being played on easy listening radio stations and in department store elevators.
  11. You get excited about buy whitegoods.
  12. You can finally buy the sports car, the poster of which hung on your teenage-self’s bedroom draped with a bikini-clad model. You are disappointed that the purchase of the car does not attract that attention of said model.
  13. Hats are for protection not fashion.
  14. The brim of a hat faced forward.
  15. You ever start a sentence with a phrase like “I remember when…” or When I was their age…”
  16. Travel is really about the journey and not the destination, you are choosing holidays based on scenery.
  17. You ever owned a jumper in the style of Bill Cosby from the Cosby Show era Daryl Somers during his Hey Hey It’s Saturday period.
  18. You remember Hey Hey It’s Saturday when it was entertaining
  19. You can remember when people were surprised to discover that the members of The Village People are gay.
  20. You remember when gay meant happy.
  21. You used to be able to walk your dog and eave its dropping where they lay to slowly turn white.
  22. An Atari game consol is not retro, it is a childhood keepsake
  23. You have only used the AM dial when organising the preset buttons on you car radio.
  24. You think “LOL” means lots of love.
  25. The records you still own are cool again
  26. Lighting is equally important as food quality when choosing a restaurant – so you can read the menu
  27. When you bought your iPod it was an upgrade from your discman. You are a winner in the aged stakes if the discman was an upgrade from a walkman.
  28. You use the word “the” as a prefix when talking about computer applications. Eg the Facebook
  29. You have paid off your HECS debt.
  30. You have a university degree but do not know what a HECS debt is.
  31. You have understood and agreed with each of the statements thus far in this blog.
  32. You read blogs.
  33. You need to use ointment regularly for aches and pains that seeming create themselves just from sitting or laying down in a slightly different position.
  34. You use the word ointment.
  35. You use coasters, and demand that all of your visitors do the same.
  36. Your friends are dying of natural causes, and although deeply saddened no-one seems particularly shocked, instead they use consoling phrases like well “he had a good innings”
  37. You prefer your steak cooked medium, not because of the flavour but because it is easier to chew
  38. You rode a bike to school are were allowed to go to the playground buy yourself after school and on weekends
  39. The set of Ansett Airline teaspoons in your cutlery drawer are not items that you bought from a second hand/antiques dealer but are in fact souvenirs you collected yourself when flying within Australia
  40. You turn off water and power to save money not the environment

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