Nap Time

Sleep should not be so hard. I am not talking about the crytalised discharge that gets wiped from the corner of eyes each morning. Though one does wonder why the discharge is so hard and why it is so satisfying when it is scraped away during morning ablutions.

It was never hard for my dad, in fact he is known for his ability to fall asleep often just to pass the time. He can fall asleep standing up. Many people have fallen asleep during conversations, my dad can fall asleep mid-sentence, when he is the speaker! I love watching people on buses and trams fighting the need for sleep as the head jerks sets in.

It starts with the eyes closing, followed by a slow dropping of the head towards the chest, however it almost never lowers straight down. Instead it lilts towards one shoulder or the other. Thus begins the head jerks. The head drops to one side, wobbling slightly with the movement of the vehicle before the conscious mind breaks through and jerks the head upright to show to the world that it is awake. Of course the eyes are rarely opened and the world is never fooled. This pattern can continue for extended periods.

My father has turned the head jerk into an art form – making it a continuous rotation. His head first falls to the left, the “jerk” not only lifts it up but also slightly backwards. This is done with just enough force that the head does not remain in the upright position but rather it continues on to the right and then down towards the chest. Momentum keeps the head moving to the left where the cycle starts over. Thus my father has transformed his head jerks into nocturnal neck exercising.

Ronald Reagan is rumoured to have fallen asleep during international state visits, so it seems only appropriate that Former President Clinton and his wife Hillary both fell asleep during his funeral. Vice President Joe Biden was caught falling asleep during the Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. The Queen may as well have been asleep during the opening ceremony of the 2012 London Olympics for all the energy and enthusiasm she brought to the occasion.

The Sandman is a common enemy of the cinemagoer. The dark environment, the potentially confortable seats and a stomach full of popcorn all increase a persons risk of public slumber. There is nothing wrong with that, the head jerks can add to the entertainment of patrons sitting behind. Snoring on the other hand can interfere with the carefully edited sound track and effects.  The laughing of other patrons – anywhere in the cinema – is acceptable if watching a comedy , but inappropriate at best during a film based on international degradation of human rights.

I am not afflicted with the problems associated with easy sleep. I find it difficult. Insomnia can mean that the ability to sleep is inversely proportional to the desire to do so. The thought of sleep can in fact block the act of sleeping.  It plays with your mind – a whole different kind of head jerk. Enter prescription sleeping pills.

30-40 minutes after taking the pills – as per doctors instructions – without warning you go from wide awake to deep sleep. Mid sentence, mid movie, mid anything. Anything. Asleep, and without the awkward head jerks.

I can only assume that Joe Biden had sleeping pills just prior to the royal wedding because there is no way anyone was taking their eyes of Pippa’s bottom.

London Olympic Highlights

Usain Bolt, sure he won the trinkets but the highlight was being photographs with three members of the Swedish women’s handball team draped over his lap...inside their room in the Athletes Village. Titillating but what is the joy for the women, they already know he is the fastest man alive and just loves to come first. Insert your own handball joke here.

Michael Phelps admitting two things, firstly that he urinates in the pool. Alright for him he normally wins the race, bad luck about the other swimmers that then have to swim through his discharge. Insert your own golden shower joke here. At the age of 27 he also announced his retirement, and then within 24 of retiring told international media that he was bored. What about sleeping in, eating normal food, reading a book, get a job. Hang out with Bolt, he does not seem to have any problem filling in the time.

Stephanie Rice’s mum loves Stephanie Rice. The only thing more embarrassing than a swimmer going the blub because she lost is having her mother going the blub whilst telling the world that she is proud of her and loves her and that the world should do the same. A little message to mum. Shhhhh.

Tanking – unbeknownst to everyone was a demonstration sport in London 2012. Questions have been asked over the Japanese women’s football team, the Spanish men’s basketball, and beach volleyball. However the South Korea will be hard to beat in Badminton if Tanking becomes an official sport in Rio 2016. Silver to China and Bronze to Indonesia.

Falling, another sport that should be added to the Olympic calendar, whether it be from on top of a horse, stumbling over a hurdle, missing a corner in a cycling road race, missing a catch on a piece of gymnastics apparatus or just dropping to the ground for no apparent reason. Always spectacular, making for great television and often performed with a high degree of difficulty.

Amateurs. The Olympics used to ban professional athletes from its glorious competition, now the only amateur athletes seen at the Games are at street based events where members of the public can run or cycle alongside the competitors in an unrealistic attempt to keep pace or better the speed of the race. The highlight was a man – in suit and tie – who attempted to keep up with the final stages of the women’s marathon. Sadly for him women who had run over 40 km and could barely stand let alone run still moved markedly faster than him.

New Zealand forgot to register Valerie Adams, defending Olympic champion, into the shot put event. Well done New Zealand Olympic Committee! Shot putters are traditionally large and angry people – not a group you want to upset. The IOC helped out and got her instated into the event. She won silver.

Kim Collins five  times Olympian and flag-bearer for St Kitts and Nevis (yes that is a real nation), was withdrawn from competition for spending the night before the race with his wife and coach (one in the same person – I know, boring right?) He should have stayed in the athlete’s village and caught up with the remainder of the Swedish volleyball team. Then everyone would have been happy...well nearly everyone.

Oscar Pistorius made the semi finals on the Men’s 400m running event, despite not having legs below the knee. If it is true that he has an unfair advantage due to the carbon fibre “blades” he has in place of lower legs, ankles and feet then I hope that Grenada’s Kirani James, eventual winner of the event who ran 2-3 seconds faster that Pistorius is being tested and questioned, about the unfair advantages from which he benefitted during the racing. The American 4x400m men’s relay team won their heat in the fastest heat time in Olympic history even though Manteo Mitchell broke his leg half way through his lap. He completed his lap in good time. Does he now qualify for the Paralymics, and did he have an advantage over the other athletes in this race?

Dressage, is there no better example over human’s dominance over the planet than making a horse tip toe around and across a square of saw dust, and then judging which equine was the tiptoeiest. AND we make the horses where little caps like a cheap batman costume whilst they do it.

Organisers playing the South Korean anthem for the North Korean women’s football team. Kim Jong Un and his people are not known for their sense of humour. They also have nuclear weapon capabilities and are not afraid to talk about using it, especially to threaten South Korea. We do not want to re-make M*A*S*H combining war and sports. Though it would make a number of events much more interesting, javelin, archery, shooting, the list goes on. Just as long as Alan Alda does not write the script – those episodes were way to moralistic. It would give a whole new meaning to tanking in sport.

Andy Murray won Gold. No longer Scottish, British. Though it does ruin his record of almost but not quiet winning anything. Sure the tournament was played at Wimbledon, but does the tennis fraternity see the Olympics as a real tournament for their sport? It is no grand slam. Either way I am sure a knighthood is on its way. Much better than the cow Federer receives from the Swiss government when he wins a major tournament.

Winning silver as opposed to losing gold. It is the old glass-half full scenario. Swimmers, rowers and cyclists have all spat the chewy at losing gold yelling, screaming, crying blaming the umpires/equipment/stress. All in all making a right old dick of themselves. Conversely, Dawn Harper defending Olympic champion lost by 0.02 seconds in the women’s 100m hurdles – a finish so close it took officials minutes to make their final decision – openly cheered at the result. She clapped and jumped up and down and celebrated with gold medallist Sally Pearson. She had run a personal best and was happy about it.

Olympics - good and bad

The Olympics have started.

That’s good.

No that’s bad it means I have been awake all night to watch it on television.

That’s bad.

No that’s good, I love watching Australian’s compete against that world’s best

That’s good.

No that’s bad, Australia is not winning many events.

That’s bad.

No that’s good, because Great Britain is also struggling to win many events.

That’s good.

No that’s bad, for Great Britain, because usually the host nation wins more than its average number of gold medals.

That’s bad.

No that’s good, that means other countries are winning events.

That’s good.

No that’s bad because many of the athletes’ victories are questionable controversial.

That’s bad.

No that’s good because if there test positive Australia may inadvertently win more medals.

That’s good.

No that’s bad, because they will not get a proper medal ceremony or the fame of winning.

That’s bad.

No that’s good, it means we will not have to lick the back of Stephanie Rice’s head on a stamp.

That’s good.

No that’s bad, as documented on her Facebook and Twitter accounts we can not be certain where her head has been.

That’s bad.

No that’s good, because it means some of our athletes might actually show some personality.

That’s good.

No that’s bad, it means media outlets with create outrage and controversy – where none should exist, because the athlete did not conform to the politically correct and bland expectations.

That’s bad.

No that’s good, it means we will not have to put up with athletes “acting” in commercials promoting vitamins, cereal products, air conditioners or hosting demeaning television competition/reality shows.

That’s good.

No that’s bad it means they will end up becoming “expert” commentators at future sporting events.

That’s bad.

No that’s good because it might be for the BBC in England like Ian Thorpe.

That’s good.

No that’s bad, he is apparently quite aggressive in his body language and wears unusual combinations of clothes.

That’s bad.

No that’s good, at least he is broadcasting accurate information unlike many of the commentators on channel nine in Australia.

That’s good.

No that’s bad, they mispronounce names, incorrectly describe the rules and possible outcomes and get confused by the events as they unfold.

That’s bad.

No that’s good because it is hilarious listening to them attempt to create drama when there isn’t any and backpedal from their bald predictions.

That’s good.

No that’s bad, it means viewers often miss that actual drama unfolding at other events, like tanking in badminton, disqualifications in cycling and dubious judging in boxing.

That’s bad.

No that’s good because these lowlights have no involved Australian athletes.

That’s good.

No that’s bad because the Olympics are meant to be about the pursuit of athletic excellence to promote generosity and peace.

That’s bad.

No that’s good, but unfortunately sponsorship of the IOC, teams and broadcasters as well as overinflated national pride prevents this from being realised.

That’s bad.

No that’s good, it means we now get exaggerated hyperbole from broadcasters and officials and irrational and embarrassing dummy spits from competitors.

That’s good.

Yes it is!

Olympics Get The Royal Nod

Her Majesty has officially opened the games of the 30th Olympiad, and she could not have looked as though she cared less about the entire shebang. Given a close up when the team representing Great Britain entered the stadium she gave nothing more than a cursory glance towards them, she was too distracted by whatever was lodged underneath her fingernails. What did IOC President Rogge wipe on her when they shook hands?

In fairness the 86year old monarch has sat through many seemingly endless parades this year, albeit that many were in her honour, and the parade of athletes does go on a bit. It would not have been out of place (though somewhat out of character) if she had pulled similar faces to Rowan Atkinson during the rendition of Chariots of Fire. If that was the reaction she gave to Team GB what reception was given to all of the other 204 countries competing in London? Where many spectators were left wondering if the IOC were just making up some of the countries, I suspect Prince Phillip spent much of the parade whispering to his Mrs "Is that one of ours?"

Her disinterest was further evident when it was time for her to utter the scripted and brief official opening. She more muttered than uttered the few words and was already turning towards her seat before the final syllable had moved from the tip of her tongue past her bottom lip.

Highlights of the ceremony include Rowan Atkinson, the Queens acting debut - playing herself, the forging of the Olympic rings and the flame, both the lighting of it and the cauldron itself. These highlighted perfectly Britain's irreverent honour and industrial ingenuity.

Watching scenery appear out of the ground and then disappear later from whence they came left a sense of wonder and no question about director Danny Boyle's creative talent.

As with all creative talent, their ideas will be viewed as brilliant and inspired by some, and leave others bemused and confused. Boyle achieved both in the one event. Live animals that were herded into the stadium and handled in the dark by countless volunteers were led out of the arena only moments after the ceremony commenced only to be replaced by rap dancing men in top hats showing off their massive erections to the world. Knowing the the Britts has a repressed sexual appetite it seemed fitting that the industrial revolutionists needed mechanical assistance to get their towers to grow skywards. The tribute to British music and its associated dance styles was fantastic, the story of young love crow-barred into the sequence to create some time of relevance, was...well...awkward. It needed detailed description by the commentators for television viewers to even know that a story was even being told. Other than that it provided excellent product placement for official partner Samsung as the two lovers texted each other.  It also provided two young Britons with that opportunity to pash on the world's biggest stage. And pash the did. If it got any more heated it would have needed one of the NHS beds.

Whilst on the topic of NHS, yes health care is very important and the concept may have started in England, but their service is far from perfect and isn't the service facing massive funding cuts? The inclusion of government initiatives in an international sporting event is unusual. If only the games were being held in Australia again we could include a segment on GST, carbon tax and gun buy-backs. Beijing really missed an opportunity when they hosted the Games in 2008. Lets face it the Chinese government has a wide range of unique systems for their people.

A tribute to those "who could not be with us in the stadium" with the song Abide In Me was an unusual choice. Morbid. It has been interpreted as a possible memorial to those people who lost their lives in the 7/7 bombings in london, the day after it was announced that London won the 2012 Games. If so, whilst moving, it is very political for a supposedly politics free event. If not I am glad that they only showed approximately 50 people's faces, it would be a long event if they showed the face of every human being  on the planet who had died since the last Olympic Games. The Queen may have moved on to picking her toe nails if it lasted that long.

The doves on bicycles were so much more classy than Australia's kangaroos on bikes during the closing ceremony in Atlanta.

Proving his immense musical talent Sir Paul McCartney sang backups for his own lead vocals in the opening verse of Hey Jude. 

How did organisers choose which musical talent get to perform during the ceremony, from a music industry that boasts the like of Cliff Richard, Elton John, Spice Girls and One Direction.

Talking about obvious omissions from the potted history of Great Britain; Beefeaters, their battles conquering and then relinquishing countries from their Empire, convict deportations, royal decapitations, warm beer and bad dentistry.

Most surprising was the absence of any of the pomp and ceremony from the ceremony. In many aspects it was almost an organised shambles.

The greatest  is of course the uniforms of athletes as they enter the stadium, islanders in their grass skirts/warrior garb, the headwear of the middle east and eastern Europe and the overly designed uniforms of richer nations. Standouts are the rubber boots and umbrellas of the Czech Republic, Germany's blue-for-boys-pink-for-girls blazers and Sweden who were wearing off-the-rack rugby tops from Gap.

If only Prince Philip whispered racist remarks into Her Majesty's royal ear about the nations costumes, then maybe she would have paid attention. And smiled.

Higher Faster Stronger

The Olympics are upon us all again and the world’s elite athletes compete for trinkets, fame and fortune. “Faster Higher Stronger” is the motto of the game. For the Latin linguists it is “Citius, Altius, Fortius”. Can this motto be applied to all of the sports.

I have a problem with any sport in which there is an artistic judging element; synchronized swimming, rhythmic gymnastics and diving for example. It is beyond question that they take great skill and strength. However they also get judged on form. How pointy were the toes, Interpretation of music, smiles.

The Olympic motto is not “Faster Higher Stronger Prettier.

Remove all of the subjective judging.

Diving, get Jamie and Adam from Mythbusters  to set up a rig with measuring intervals and a time lapse camera to measure exactly who had the smallest splash.

Synchronised swimming for example there could be basic elements that can be objectively measured; which country hold their breath for the longest, which country lifts one of their team the highest out of the water.

Rhythmic gymnastics twirl a ribbon, throw a ball all very good. Hard to measure. Set up structures like show jumping in equestrian. Throw the ball up roll under the hurdle before catching it. Loose a point for every bar you knock down from the hurdle. Have combinations, over one hurdle, under another, have a water jump. Each of them could be designed to look like major tourist attractions from the host country. For the ribbon, the highest twirl, use a decibel meter to measure the loudest crack when it is moved like a stock whip.

If it is a requirement of the sport to wear make up, it is sport or art. Either is fine but the Olympics are about sport not art (except for the opening and closing ceremonies).

If we are serious about combining sport and art then medals should be awarded for countries that use the most condoms. The standard order of condoms for the Olympic Athletes Villages is 100,00. Definitely works up a sweat and some positions are definitely creative. There would be no shortage of competitors or judges! Not sure anyone wants to have the record for the “Faster” part of the motto.

Admittedly some athletes, particularly those competing in track events, seem confused about the artistic elements of their chosen sport. A sprint is about being the fastest yet heavy gold jewelry large earrings, gold shoes and exotic hairstyles – al things that have the potential to slow you down, adorn may competitors before, during and after competition.

This is a side effect of sport – money. Being flashy gets you noticed, identifies a “personality” and makes you potentially more desirable for sponsorship. Being the best is not important, being marketable is. Just look at Anna Kournikova, never won a tennis tournament and yet was the most marketable player on the circuit in her day. Because she was prettier.

Luck also has a lot to do with, winter Olympics’ Steve Bradbury is an obvious example. Too obvious. Australian swimmers have a proud and successful record in Olympic Games, but not all of our aquatic medalists have enjoyed the riches of milk, museli bars or cereal endorsements or hosting a notional television weight loss programs.

In the marketing world having a point of difference is important , hence the jewellery, tattoos and hair dos of the track athletes. South Africa’s Oscar Pistorius is a shoe in (pun intended). Known as the Blade Runner he has artificial lower legs and has qualifies for both the Olympic and Paralympic London Games. It is not often that a person born without fibula resulting in the amputation of htheir lower can be seen as lucky. In the world of sponsorship and marketing, his missing limbs, and athletic ability are gold.

Olympics,

Faster Higher Stronger,

Prettier Luckier Richer.