Royal Cuts

source: trendwomanhairstyles.com

Stop the press! Kate Middleton has had a haircut. Apparently this is not only news worthy but, worthy of being a lead story. A royal haircut.

This trumped the climate summit in France, the ever present threat of IS, arrests of suspected terrorists in Sydney, a drop in the Australian unemployment rate, and major sporting events.

Talking of hair, the latest Trumpism, as vulgar and bigoted as they are,

So did the future queen do anything radical to her hair; like colour or spikes or doing a Sinead O’Connor? No. Copying Diana’s famous blow-wave? Definitely not. She has merely reduced the length of her hair from ending around the height of her elbows when her arms are down by her side, to now be slightly closer to her shoulders.

She may or may not be growing out her fringe.

And this is international news!

What is bigger news is that this appears to be the first time she has had a haircut in the four and half years since becoming Mrs of Cambridge.

Think of the children, George and Charlotte. What chance do they have? Their father is follicly challenged and their mother’s hair grows slower than a glacial flow. Whatever hair they have now might be it, and with mummy Kate determined to replicate as much of Wills childhood in some bizarre if not slightly morbid tribute to his late grandmother it would not be surprising if George had is hair thinned on top from his mid-teens.

Imagine the flurry of activity amongst the international media if she ever changes from her nude pump-style shoes.

Baby news

Oh glee, rapture, excitement and wonder The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are expecting their second child. Oh happy days. The young couple living a life of privilege have had unprotected sex. Though I am not expecting the couple saved footage of the royal rogering on iCloud.

In case any of the general public cant work it out, the world’s media have gone on to say Prince George will have a baby brother or sister.

My grade five teacher was pregnant and referred to her unborn child as “Gonzo”. Let’s stick with that.

Gonzo will be the fourth in line for the throne, regardless of gender. It must be had for Prince Harry to be excited, knowing that each time his brother and sister-in-law get jiggy with it he drops in the ranks. On the upside has fewer reasons now to cub his partying lifestyle much like his great-step-aunt Margaret. Hew can also maintain his politically incorrect/racist ways following the example of his step-grandfather.

Will Gonzo be a boy or a girl. Gush. What will it be named? Coo. Will the birth be celebrated with a commemorative plate? Sigh.

The world will watch Gonzo grow, attend and graduate from school. Regardless of the level of education completed the world will be in awe. Whether it be no formal qualification like Great Grandma (A true queen needs no qualification) or be academically talented like Great Uncle Edward the Commonwealth will wait with baited breath for the exam results. Uncle Harry, with a B in Arts (assisted by his teacher) and D in geography is well qualified for doing the odd jobs he does in between socialising.

Gonzo is will join an ever growing list of people likely to never be Monarch of Australia. Grandpa Charles is first in line to be not-king. Gonzo could also be the first royal born in Good Britain. With the Scottish referendum only days away and the “yes” vote gaining momentum Scotland may succeed from Great Britain taking 1/3 of the land mass with it.

With Scotland cutting the umbilical chord would this leave the Union Jack just being “Jack”? This would seem appropriate as it would represent the sentiment of the Scots.

I would write more but I have to decorate my house in Jack flags and bunting and settle in for 6-7 months of speculating about when the baby bump is showing, Kate’s maternity fashion, the gender and official name of Gonzo, and how quickly Kate loses the baby weight.

Nap Time

Sleep should not be so hard. I am not talking about the crytalised discharge that gets wiped from the corner of eyes each morning. Though one does wonder why the discharge is so hard and why it is so satisfying when it is scraped away during morning ablutions.

It was never hard for my dad, in fact he is known for his ability to fall asleep often just to pass the time. He can fall asleep standing up. Many people have fallen asleep during conversations, my dad can fall asleep mid-sentence, when he is the speaker! I love watching people on buses and trams fighting the need for sleep as the head jerks sets in.

It starts with the eyes closing, followed by a slow dropping of the head towards the chest, however it almost never lowers straight down. Instead it lilts towards one shoulder or the other. Thus begins the head jerks. The head drops to one side, wobbling slightly with the movement of the vehicle before the conscious mind breaks through and jerks the head upright to show to the world that it is awake. Of course the eyes are rarely opened and the world is never fooled. This pattern can continue for extended periods.

My father has turned the head jerk into an art form – making it a continuous rotation. His head first falls to the left, the “jerk” not only lifts it up but also slightly backwards. This is done with just enough force that the head does not remain in the upright position but rather it continues on to the right and then down towards the chest. Momentum keeps the head moving to the left where the cycle starts over. Thus my father has transformed his head jerks into nocturnal neck exercising.

Ronald Reagan is rumoured to have fallen asleep during international state visits, so it seems only appropriate that Former President Clinton and his wife Hillary both fell asleep during his funeral. Vice President Joe Biden was caught falling asleep during the Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. The Queen may as well have been asleep during the opening ceremony of the 2012 London Olympics for all the energy and enthusiasm she brought to the occasion.

The Sandman is a common enemy of the cinemagoer. The dark environment, the potentially confortable seats and a stomach full of popcorn all increase a persons risk of public slumber. There is nothing wrong with that, the head jerks can add to the entertainment of patrons sitting behind. Snoring on the other hand can interfere with the carefully edited sound track and effects.  The laughing of other patrons – anywhere in the cinema – is acceptable if watching a comedy , but inappropriate at best during a film based on international degradation of human rights.

I am not afflicted with the problems associated with easy sleep. I find it difficult. Insomnia can mean that the ability to sleep is inversely proportional to the desire to do so. The thought of sleep can in fact block the act of sleeping.  It plays with your mind – a whole different kind of head jerk. Enter prescription sleeping pills.

30-40 minutes after taking the pills – as per doctors instructions – without warning you go from wide awake to deep sleep. Mid sentence, mid movie, mid anything. Anything. Asleep, and without the awkward head jerks.

I can only assume that Joe Biden had sleeping pills just prior to the royal wedding because there is no way anyone was taking their eyes of Pippa’s bottom.