Star Signs

Without admitting that I actually read women’s gossip magazines I would like to point out that it is hard to tell where the articles stop and the star signs start.

Mel Gibson

Although you sometimes wear your heart on your sleeve, it is time to be more guarded. Emotional outbursts may get you into trouble. Relationships will sour, beware a woman’s scorn.

Bec Hewitt

Whilst once a bright star within your youth, age and responsibility will see it starting to fade. Your self belief and exaggerated sense of importance means you are unlikely this for yourself. When it comes to details about your personal life, less is more.

Julia Gillard

You have perhaps enjoyed more success than you expected. Without tireless hard work your success could be short lived. After extreme highs can follow extreme lows.

Tiger Woods

Remember your kindergarten teachers’ wisdom. “Look with your eyes, not with your hands” and “it is always nice to share” . It is also possible to get too much of a good thing.

Lawrie Oakes

You will be entrusted with many secrets. Consider carefully what you choose to do with this information as your actions may have serious repercussions on many people on whom your livelihood relies.

Jennifer Anitston

You will continue to struggle with relationships and regret past decisions. Are you in love, are you ready to start a family? These questions will continue to play on your mind. It is time to be more decisive, do not fear commitment.

Adam Liaw

Congratulations, you have had your fifteen minutes of fame, but it is only the beginning of your journey. You will have to continue to work hard if you want to have your cake and eat it too. Now is the time to make the most of new career opportunities.

Kristy Fraser-Kirk

Having been hurt in the past, relationships are proving to be complicated. You are right to seek retribution. Remember that the law is an ass and might come back to bite you on the very arse you are trying to defend. Whilst it is great to be demonstrate your assertiveness beware that going for too much may turn your biggest allies into enemies.

Olsen Twins

You have definitely made the most of being thrust into the limelight early in life. You have demonstrated your ability to make astute business decisions. Your friends and family are concerned about your choices in your personal life; relationships, substance use and nutrition. These personal misfortunes will not prevent you from living your life publicly.

Hey Hey It’s Saturday

You are natural entertainer, it will be easy for you to rest on your laurels. It may be time to look after yourself, so take time to have a break and rest. Realising it might be time to stop the thing you love does not have to be and end, don’t be afraid to take a risk and try new things

Prince Harry

Whilst you life may contain an endless string of controversies you will achieve more good than harm. Do not be disheartened by playing second fiddle, the reduced responsibility will allow you to follow your heart. Do not worry about finances, they will look after themselves. Only undertake the work that you feel a passion for.

Justin Bieber

While enjoying the party, even as the guest of honour it is rude to overstay your welcome. In conversations remember that although you think your life stories are exciting others may find them somewhat common if not mundane. You have plenty to learn so make less noise to give you time to listen to people with more experience.

Ring Ring, Why Don't You Give Me A Call

Airlines have admitted that mobile phones do not have any affect on aeroplane navigation equipment or any other equipment for that matter. Virgin has already stated that mobile phones will soon be allowed to be used on international flights. Not surprising considering the parent company also operates a mobile phone network.

I am pleased that science has won out and that this propaganda has finally been corrected. I am disappointed that I will now have to listen to people conducting inane conversations at annoyingly loud volumes.

We all now have to look forward to endless hours of people yelling at unseen friends that “No I can’t hear you. I am on the plane. What? What? No, I am on the plane, we just took off. What? I can’t hear you. I am n the plane. What? It keeps dropping out? What? I am n the plane?”

Then there are the ring tones!

On the upside in-flight sales of alcohol will increase dramatically as fellow passengers attempt to drink themselves into a stupor to survive the cacophony of digital noise.

In Europe the trains have mobile free carriages. Is anyone that important that they cannot be contacted for a few hours. If there is something that critical happening in your life that you are expecting to have to make numerous life or death decisions then perhaps now is not the best time to be travelling.

I wonder if phones on planes will be like smoking. Originally smoking was allowed everywhere on board. Then there was the segregation of smoking and non-smoking. Over time it was understood that even if sitting in a different section of the plane that the comfort and enjoyment of some passengers was disrupted by the smoking activities of others. Now smoking is banned.

No phones.

Go ahead use your phones.

Actually the phones are annoying (more accurately the people who use the phones are annoying) so stop using your phones.

Now all I need is someone to explain why I have to leave the little blind on my window open for take off and landing. Even if the cockpit did have a rear vision mirror I do not think the pilot will be able to see much of value from my seat at 32F. Someone once told me that the blinds are left open so that if the plane crashes it is so rescuers can see into the plane and safely determine the number of casualties and deaths.

So the air crew are actually performing some aviation-type of last rite. Now that we can leave our phones on perhaps we can just register our numbers on boarding and rescuers can just call us and see who answers.

This can also double as a triage process prioritising their medical requirements. Anyone with “Crazy Frog” ring tone goes to the bottom of the list.

A Proud Australian

A Proud Australian

Commentators tell us that we should be proud of the Socceroos performance at this years’ FIFA World Cup in South Africa. I am a little confused about exactly what I am meant to be proud.

Am I meant to be proud that Australia successfully argued to change its zoning so that qualification into the finals has been made easier because we now only have to be one of the strongest teams in the weakest region?

Should I be proud that in their first game of the tournament the Socceroos let the Germans walk all over them on a scale unseen since Austria let the Germans dominate them without even the hint of a fight in the 1930s?

Can we be proud that arguably the world’s best goalkeeper, and current Australian ‘keeper let through 6 goals in the tournament?

Is Australia proud that its best and most famed player only played 20 minutes of the entire tournament?

Will the history books show the nations pride that the team’s two best strikers only scored one goal between them?

Was I expected to experience a sense of pride in our strikers scoring individual red cards in successive games resulting in subsequent one-match bans for each of them?

Have our standards dropped that Australia is proud of its team winning only one match throughout its short-lived role in this year’s World Cup.

Are we proud that the Socceroos played at a level equal to the insipid motivational farewell speech delivered by then Prime Minister, the day prior to their departure from Australia to South Africa - a Prime Minister who in turn proved to be as successful as the team he farewelled, and who like the team will be forced to see out the end of his tournament from the benches?

Am I allowed to be proud that although three weeks later, without an election that the Socceroos will be welcomed home be a different Prime Minister than the one who wished them well.

Do we forget all the lessons that history has taught us and be proud of and Australian performance that is worse than that of the New Zealand national team?

I am a proud Australian. I am proud that I live in a country where our national team can perform so inadequately on the world stage in a sport we by and large care very little about and that we can still be proud of the performance.

Germ Warfare

I can remember when the best cleaning products available for domestic use was described as being “hospital grade”. For all those times major surgery was being performed on kitchen counters across the country.

Now they kill 99.9% of germs. I wonder if the products have changed or just their description. Like marshmallows and jellybeans are now advertised as 99.9% fat free. Of course it is hard to contain fat in a product that is made up of only two ingredients; sugar and colouring. The recipe for jellybeans and marshmallows has not changed just their labelling.

Are the hospital grade cleaning products the same and just the labelling changed. Or are the products we use in our homes to clean up minor spills when plating up our Masterchef inspired gourmet char-grilled corn fed beef fillets with steamed julienne root vegetables and a side of garlic mash (what once used to be meat and three veg and we never “plated up” it was just simply served), are these cleaning products now even stronger than those used in hospitals?

Next time someone is planning a stay in their local hospital as well as their pyjamas and a book to read should they also be packing a bottle of Spray ‘n’ Wipe?

What is the 0.1% of germs that no one can kill? Is it just one super germ that will one day try to take over our planets like the next big Marvel Comics villain? Hollywood producers will try to convince the US military to load up the armoury on their fighter just with Domestos and Pine-0-Clean.

The whole world will be left wishing that Hussein’s stock pile of weapons of mass destruction included chemical weapons.

Of course it could be the exact opposite, he remaining 0.1% of germs left un-dead by the cleaning products are friends of the humans. If so I would like to keep one as a pet. I would get a female one and call it Germane. We would go everywhere together.

Do you think the 0.1% of germs left are lonely now that all of the other germs are being killed? This could be the beginning of the biggest ecological disaster to strike this planet. With no natural germ predators the remaining germs could run rampant across the planet. Of course with no other germs to breed with their global dominance would be short lived.

Do not worry about trying to plug the ruptured oil pipeline off the coast of in stead we should all be fighting to cap the unnecessary spillage of germ lives. Instead of storming flotillas attempting to break through the maritime blockade of Gaza our politicians should be declaring their outrage at the attack on germs floating in the spills on our sinks, benches and floors.

The demise in germs runs parallel with the increased incidence of ADHD, asthma and allergies. Coincidence? The chemicals are harming humans as much it is germs. Affecting our respiratory and digestive systems, leaving defenceless children have unnatural reactions to quite natural phenomena. The body, if allowed to do its thing, is designed to cope with impurities if given a chance to build up its resistance. It is like alcohol. An underage party goer consuming the amber liquid for the first time, after just a couple of drinks s/he will be feeling quite ill, whilst a seasoned alcoholic can drink for hours before it shows any visible negative affects. Same with germs.

As for ADHD if the parents spent less time cleaning and more time parenting engaging with their offspring, saying no occasionally then perhaps this epidemic of “uncontrollable children” might be taught some control. This generation who can not concentrate or respond to discipline can of course sit for hours obeying the rules of their favourite computer game. With no fear of germs either. Have you seen these games, they are dirty!

Sex in the City 2

So the second movie in the Sex in the City franchise is about to hit our cinemas. Does that mean the girls have not got any in the ensuing years between these Hollywood releases? That is quite a drought.

Despite the fact the women are in long-term relationships the romance and intimacy is still alive and kicking. Travelling to exotic international locations adding new notches to their hotel room bedposts.

I saw neither the first movie nor the original television series. Hand on heart I have never even seen an entire episode. I do not know the names of the characters. The only actors name I know is Sarah Jessica Parker but more because of her desire to live out her personal life on the cover of tabloid magazines. That and that her appearance makes her a perfect substitute for Camilla if she ever found herself being driven through a French tunnel.

Charles could maintain his love of horses. He could replace his Consort the same way soap opera writers swap actors to maintain character when an actor does not renew their contract. There are a few questions that go unanswered before society loses interest.

I am just hoping that if there is a third instalment that it becomes more realistic following the lives of these four women as they settle down with their families, taxiing kids to sport and dates, cleaning, long nights on the couch. It could be called Celibate in the Suburbs.

No time for romance or sexual dalliances, as their days are filled with mundane routines. Picking up dog pooh off the back lawn, arguing with kids over eating the vegetables and doing chores, arguing with their partner over the bills and whose turn it is to take out the garbage. The busyness of their lives effectively eliminating their respective libidos.

Mr Big (thank you Wikipedia) is impotent with male pattern baldness. Instead of meeting up with friends for salon makeovers and coffee they support each other visiting the clinic for a variety of cancer screening exams.

High label fashion with stiletto heels and matching cutch bag will be replaced with a mix match of off the rack clothes (which ever was clean and relatively ironed when they dressed) sensible shoes and a handbag big enough to be a suitcase. They need it that big because a woman must be prepared for an emergency. Bottle of water, crackers, sweets for the kids, change of underwear for the kids, maxi pad, book, shopping vouchers, keys toys that were confiscated during a recent car trip, complete range of makeup note pad and biro and something that looks as though it might once have been a cake of organic soap or a piece of organic cake.

Instead of going to shows, flitting across the America and Europe for romantic rendezvous they are on school field trips, emergency trips to the KFC drive thru when they have run out of time to shop, cook or both. Holidays are now focussed on caravans and theme parks.

Their meaningless conversation about dieting, shopping, celebrities and love lives will change to meaning conversations about what Oprah has told them about dieting, shopping, celebrities and love lives.

As SJP confusingly said in an interview promoting this second film, Celibate in the Suburbs could actually be a “once in a lifetime opportunity”.

The many faces of Kevin Rudd

Kevin was swept to power in 2007, in part on the back of allegations that he had previously visited a famous New York gentlemen's club "Score", thus proving that he was an average bloke. Like all politicians he admitted that he had been there but denied that he ever inhaled

In one of his first actions as PM, Kevin got in touch with his inner Aboriginal, apologising to Australia's "stolen generation". His first and arguably only true moment of leadership. Ever since then he has been on walkabout - literally being Australia's most traveled PM.
Rudd has opened many "War Cabinets". Unfortunately he has based his leadership on the American war machine. Start with a big bang but with no real plan for the long term. Eventually everyone just realises that it is over budget over time and with no real opportunity for victory.
Unfortunately many of Rudd's policies have been shelved. Perhaps demonstrating his skills as a librarian and archivist in readiness fora career change. Here he looks a lot like Mrs Doubtfire - something else that although big when it first came into the public consciousness it too now spends a lot of time on the shelf as over time it was shown to be a lot of talk with only rare moments of interest but largely just considered an entertainment oddity.
In an attempt to connect with the "average Australian" Rudd resorted to colloquialisms. As a true-blue Aussie he spent many days shaking his sauce bottle

Kevin has also demonstrated his mastery of the English language, using phrasing such as "detailed programatic specificity" to explain policy detail. Sounding more like a thespian, Kevin should be informed that just like a Shakespearian play most Australians neither understand nor care about its content.
Kevin convinced Australia that he would be the perfect negotiator with the Chinese government on the bassi that he spoke Mandarin. Rio Tinto may not agree.