Political double-speak

Image: theguardian.com

Politicians will make decisions and create policies that people will either love or hate, if they can find an emotional response stronger than general apathy. We all understand that except for the infamous “Captain’s calls” that most decision and policies are developed collectively between the cabinet in consultation with senior public servants and political advisors.

Given this our political leaders, Presidents and Prime Ministers do not have to be brilliant economic or social planners or political strategists. The most important attribute is public speaking.

Political leaders need to be able to speak with passion, empathy, confidence and charisma.

Nothing demonstrates this more than the comparison between President Obama’s eulogy for slain Methodist preacher Rev. Clementa Pinckney and his parishioners, and nearly any speech delivered by any of Australia’s four most recent Prime Ministers.

Obama spoke, and sang with passion and strength and humility. Australia’s Tony Abbott cannot even speak in complete sentences.

Abbott speaks in broken, disjointed clusters of words pausing randomly and repeatedly throughout every speech. The pauses are not even between phrases.

Obama’s eulogy has been watch on television and downloads by millions of people the world over. When Abbott speaks even his wife Maggie would struggle to find the energy to reluctantly listen.

Prior to Abbott there was Kevin Rudd 2.0. The rebooted KRudd was focussed on taking selfies and speaking like a an any-man on is way to the pub. Sure it got a lot of attention and collectively the country felt sorry for you but just like the awkward kid at school no one was picking them to be part of their team, let alone to be the captain.

Before Rudd there was Julia Gillard. Gillard famously lost her ability to use undulating tone whenever she spoke. Almost over night the feisty articulate negotiator became monotone sounding more like an automated phone system than a political leader. One sentence in, all of her audience would struggle to keep their eyes open with no comprehension of what important topic she was droning on about.

She did fire up for her misogynist speech, a clip that caught the world’s attention. If only she had maintained the passion and the ability to use tone she may still be Australian Prime Minister.

Before Gillard was Rudd, mark 1. Rudd started his Prime Ministership with one of the great orations in Australian political history when he delivered the impassioned and long overdue Sorry Speech to the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Stolen Generation.

It proved to be a bar too high for Rudd to maintain. The remainder of his first term in office he alternated between “programmatic specificity” and “fair shake of the sauce bottle”. Both extremes in his language dumbfounded political commentators and the general public alike.

Rudd’s predecessor, John Howard – Australia’s second longest serving Prime Minister - although speaking with passion and political clarity always had spittle in the corners of his mouth. The Spittle did not always in the corners of his mouth, much to the annoyance of reporters sitting in the front row of every press conference.

In addition to the wetness of his speech, Howard was also unable to pronounce the name of country he led. Australia is spelt with an “l” near the end, not a “w”.

Unlike Spain who collectively developed a lisp to hide the speech impediment of its king. The Aussie public have generally maintained all of the original syllables and letters of Australia’s name. Rioters on Sydney beaches are the exception to this rule, instead choosing slack jaw “Stra-ya” It takes too much energy to throw object and maintain a bigoted rage to be able to use all of the sounds.

Faking It

Seinfeld Season 5 Episode 1 "The Mango"

Throughout the ages the concept of faking it has been debated between the genders. Generally, it is accepted that sometimes it may occur, and we are ok with it. Not everything in life is as easy to fake. Well not in a convincing way.

Take the man who provided “sign language interpretation” for President Obama’s speech as Nelson Mandela’s memorial. It could be argued that it was the truest form of interpretation – as it was basically a man improvising hand movements with no relationship with what Obama was saying, and no resemblance to any actual sign language signs.

Driving a formula one car would be difficult to fake, in race conditions. Though I would like to see one of the pit crew jump on the back of US$7million machine and take over the steering, like an attendant in a dodgem car rink for the one person who inexplicably can not get their car out of the corner.

Brain surgery, sure anyone could get a garden drill and bore into the back of someone’s skull. To do it with the precision required so that brain matter does not wind its way back up the drill bit or that the drill bit does not hit the spot that would make the patients leg spasm like a dog getting its belly scratched.

Australia’s most recent collection of Prime Ministers have proven that it takes more than merely winning an election to actually lead a country. The programmatic specificity required in the top job proved too much for both Rudd (twice) and Gillard, and if Abbott’s approach to international diplomacy and employment in the car industry are anything to go by things have not changed for the better post the recent election.

Ben Elton proved that writing funny and entertaining television is difficult to fake, twice. In 2011 his Australian show Live from Plant Earth survived just 3 episodes. In 2013 his UK sitcom The Wright Way was blasted by critics and viewers alike.

Personally I have demonstrated that fine handcrafted wooden furniture is difficult to fake. Even average handmade wooden furniture takes some talent. The aquarium stand I made required the weight of a full fish tank on it to square it up enough for all four legs to touch the ground simultaneously. The surface of the coffee table I made, a glass or mug could only be filled half for risk of spillage the angles were so great. 

Every generation will lament the next generation of musical artists for faking their musical ability. It is part of the parent handbook to complain to one’s offspring “that’s not music, there is no tune and I can’t understand the lyrics”. In the case of Bob Dylan it is the children complaining to the parents.

Earlier this year the zoo in Henan Province, China demonstrated it is difficult to fake animals. A Dog no matter how big and hairy is not a lion, nor a wolf, not even if it is a Tibetan mastiff, and a fox is not a leopard. For that matter a sea cucumber is also not a lizard.

Being a fake stunt person could present some challenges. Sure the crashing of the car, jumping from a burning building or participating in a gun fight whilst riding a wild horse through a forest, down a steep incline into a river might be easy to fake. The staying alive whilst doing it is the tricky part.

Lucky Country

Source: www.abc.net.au

Australia has longed been called the lucky country. On the back of the 2013 Federal Election the meaning of this has finally become clear. An election is a great vehicle for demonstrating the best and worst of a countries political and social culture. Here are 5

1.     In Australia the biggest issue on election day was polling booth sausage sizzle. Not the days travelled to get to the booth, the threat of being shot by militia for how you voted, but grilled tubes of processed beef offcuts. It may also show what the average Australian voter thought of the calibre of politician they had to choose from, where the biggest issue of the day was the quality and price of the sausage sizzle available after they voted. Unfortunately KRudd was not shaking his sauce bottle enough to avoid the inevitable.

2.     The result of the election was not only declared within 2 hours of polling booths closing but the winner was clear within minutes of counting commencing. And with no hint of rigging votes, conspiracy or corruption.

3.     Each successful politician had a party in their local electorate with their family, friends, campaign staff and volunteers. Unlike the lavish and expensive celebrations witnessed in other countries. These celebrations occurred in local halls and community centres, keeping with the 1980’s 21^st birthday theme, decorations consisted on streamers and 100 helium balloons.

4.     Politicians appeared on television holding a glass/bottle of their alcoholic beverage of choice, and mentioned its brand on camera, and such an appearance did not lead to a national scandal of alcoholism or inappropriate financial arrangements between breweries and the political parties.

5.     The outgoing Prime Minister presents his concession speech with such a big grin on his face that initially the public is concerned that no-one told him he lost prior to reaching the podium and he risks the ultimate embarrassment of declaring himself the winner. The reason for the grin is that his party did not do as bad as everyone thought they would. Most importantly for Mr Rudd, Labor retained the 8 seats the previously held in Queensland. It should be noted that they did not pick up any more seats in Queensland, and did lose 15 other seats around the rest of the country.

6.     Despite the apparent crises currently faced by Australia, according to Prime Minister Elect Mr Abbott; economic, boat people and big new taxes, there was plenty of time for him to don his lycra and go for a bit of ride  the day after the election.

7.     Clive Palmer, mining magnate and bit of a kook (he wants to build a titanic replica and a is turning his 5 star report into Jurassic Park) won a seat in Parliament. Many Australians famously screw around with census data by listing their religion as Jedi. Now the people shown their lack of concern in the countries leadership they voted for Jabba the Hutt. Now Australia has a daggy dad as Prime Minister and he crazy uncle in the back row. Watch for him to be wearing a lampshade on his head during the swearing in ceremony 

Australia's "Favourite" Uncles

As Australia edges closer to a federal election I cant help feel that the voting public have a choice between our embarrassing uncles, one daggy one dodgy.

Mr Rudd is definitely more likeable, but that does not mean he is the right person to provide statesmanship, big vision leadership. Uncle Arthur was hugely popular but no-one wants him to be PM. Funny in a cringey way make for great television but not politics.

In being reinstated Mr Rudd said he was looking forward to “rocking with the  kids” No one is “rocking with the kids”. And anyone who can actually rock with young people NEVER uses the phrase.

Can I suggest to Kevin and his speechwriters that the word “rad” is no longer in use.

This follows on from him famously wanting to “shake the sauce bottle”. Alf Stewart is obviously moonlighting from working at the Summer Bay Surf Club to write political speeches.

What makes an uncle daggy, is it obvious that he is trying very hard to look as though he is not trying hard, to be cool. Like tweeting a selfie of an injury…cutting himself shaving.

The alternative is Mr Abbott. I am sure he is fine but he just gives off a creepy dodgy vibe. A Danny Denuto famously said in The Castle “it’s the vibe of the thing, Your Honour.” It is the pained smile, disjointed laboured way of speaking, and the staccato laugh. When he combines the speaking and laugh, it is even worse. Worse still is when he is laughing at what he thinks is his own joke.

Then there is the speedo, yes he is very fit and that is to be commended. In fact it creates for a great role model in a normally flabby parliament. I just do not think the Australian public needs political speeches from a man wearing a triangle of red Lycra and a surf lifesaver cap. Paul Hogan’s mate Strop was never intended to be a political inspiration.

When it comes down to it, the lack of inspiration instilled in the public by wither leader is the real issue. Uncles whether they be daggy or dodgy are ok to hang out with (even if under direct protective supervision of another adult) but ultimately they are not what we are after in the long term.

The Australian public deserves more than a good story to tell during show and tell on Monday morning following an entertaining weekend. I want to hear policies I want to hear of a long term vision with clearly identified opportunities. Plans from one election to the next is not long term.

Uncle Arthur v Stop. Can I vote for Richie Benaud? At least the cricket is interesting!

Captain My Captain

The position of Australian Cricket Captain is often said to be the second most important office in the land, behind only the position of Prime Minister. Personally I think this is over stating its importance to Australian life…for both positions.

For many years it could have been argued that the cricket captain had a greater influence over public confidence, winning or losing the captain set the tone. From Allan Border “Captain Grumpy” who was a personal career was successful despite playing with an often less than competitive team. He taught the team how to fight and eventually to win. Mark Taylor and Steve Waugh added their own flair to the position and built on its winning ways to make it one of the most successful sporting teams in international history.

During the same period Australian politics enjoyed the leadership Bob Hawke and John Howard, two of the longest serving Prime Ministers to lead the country. Both are known for building the country’s prosperity. On different sides of politics, they achieved the country’s wealth in different ways. Lets not forget Paul Keating famed for his suits and biting repartee, he embodied the countries wealth.

Ricking Ponting despite his own personal success, as captain reintroduced the notion of losing to the national team. Politically Kevin Rudd took office. Like his sporting counterpart his form after taking office started to slump until he was forced to voluntarily step aside.

We now have Michael Clarke and Julia Gillard. Both of them highly capable in their own rights. Both of them suffering in the realm of leadership. Both of their teams are in a tail spin, the more they spin the more they lose and the more public ridicule they receive.

In the past week the cricket team, in the middle of a lengthening losing streak, chose to suspend four players. Three of these suspended players were potentially the most likely to contribute to an Australian victory. Australia lost the test match.

At the same time as following the sports team’s example Australia’s governing party suspended logic calling for a leadership spill despite the absence of anyone else wanting to be leader. Let’s be honest who would want to lead the national Labor party at the moment?

When Michael Clarke injured his back the only alternative for captain was Shane Watson – one of the players previously suspended for not abiding to team rules. He was also quite vocal about his dislike of the direction of Cricket Australia’s direction or personnel.

Whilst the parallels between Watson and Rudd are alarming, Rudd at least had the dignity to not accept the offer to lead.

Unfortunately for the Australian public we do not have any viable or palatable alternatives for either leadership position. Watson, Warner, Rudd, Abbott none of their personal form nor their recent public comments warrants their being elevated to such an honour. At the same time Clarke and Gillard have nothing to deserve their maintaining the role.

Maybe it is just time complete change, maybe Australian football codes can offer examples of decency and leadership that our political parties can follow.

Oh wait…