First the Hipsters ruined the simple
pleasure of a take away coffee by removing the simplicity. Now the beans have
to be organic, fare-trade, hand reared, grain fed, certified vegan,
biodegradable packaged, no carbon footprint, super beans. The coffee itself is
not complete without a renaissance art replica being created in the milk. We also cannot even order a coffee without
first becoming personally acquainted with the skinny jeaned, paisley shirted
barista, who will not pull up the next recycled, bamboo fibre, disposable cup
without knowing our name. All of which
takes time. Grabbing a coffee used to be something you could do quickly, on a
whim. Now it is such a length process it needs to be diarised, the day needs to
be planned to accommodate the event that is “getting a coffee to go”.
The skinny jeans, paisley shirts and shoes
like grandpa used to wear were soon not enough. Now they needed beards. Full,
thick beards. Beards that could be stroked to purvey a sense of wisdom and
understanding. Beards that could be braided, or put into a pony tail to purvey
a sense of wanker. Beards that make you look like a bushranger or a member of a
ZZ Top cover band. This desire for facial hair cutting deep into the profits of
razor and shaving manufacturers. Sure electric clipper sales were increasing as
facial hair, in fact all body hair, now had to be sculptured. Manscaped. But
clippers are a once off purchase. Shaving blades were monthly.
Following the growth of facial hair came
the growth of head hair. Long flowing locks like the 70s. A look that looked
ridiculous then and no better now. Sure the 70s blow waved and now it is in top
knots but it still looks ridiculous. The topknot is sure to be one of the first
fashion pieces to be heartedly laughed at when the obsession with wearing their
grandparents clothes without the slightest hint of irony, accessorised with
glasses with no prescription, pre-tied bow ties and bob socks comes to an end.
The growth of head hair has done to the hairdressing/barber trade what the
facial follicles have done to shaving.
It has also ostracised men who have genetic pattern baldness. Which may
explain the increased popularity of the fedora. Hair like the BeeGees, beards
like Ned Kelly and hats like Dick Tracey.
If ruining coffee, the shaver trade and the
hairdressing profession was not enough, the hipster has now all but ruined one
of the great charities. Starting in 2003 in Melbourne Australia to become one
of the great initiative raising awareness and much needed funds for men’s
health Movember success came from men being sponsored through donations to grow
their facial hair throughout the month of November. One month of looking
scruffy then a like a bit of a dick. The more outlandish the facial hair the
better. Waxing moustaches like a 50’s dandy, handle bars like bikers, goatees
like Colonel Sanders, and full beards like bushrangers. Now because of the
self-centred, ego centric, look at me attitude of the hipster Movember is now
unrecognisable. Is that person participating in Movember or just a Hipster? Who
knows, and more importantly who cares. No one is talking Movember this year. Who
is sponsoring a mate to keep the facial hair that they already had.
The Australian cricket team used to be big
supporters and participants in Movember, and they might be again this year, but
who can tell. Mitchell Johnson has kept his Chopper Read handlebar moustache
for a couple of seasons. He had it when his success rate improved phenomenally,
and like Sampson hair, he kept it believing it gave him strength. Warner has
sported a moustache reminiscent of cricketers in the 80’s for a long time.
During five day test matches, historically players do not shave so who can tell
what they are doing.
I am not sponsoring anyone this year
because I do not want to inadvertently be supporting the creation of a new
Hipster or be enabling an existing Hipster to continue their lifestyle. The
price of their artisan coffees is so high nowdays, I figure a donation has
already been added.
