Hipsters are to blame

First the Hipsters ruined the simple pleasure of a take away coffee by removing the simplicity. Now the beans have to be organic, fare-trade, hand reared, grain fed, certified vegan, biodegradable packaged, no carbon footprint, super beans. The coffee itself is not complete without a renaissance art replica being created in the milk.  We also cannot even order a coffee without first becoming personally acquainted with the skinny jeaned, paisley shirted barista, who will not pull up the next recycled, bamboo fibre, disposable cup without knowing our name.  All of which takes time. Grabbing a coffee used to be something you could do quickly, on a whim. Now it is such a length process it needs to be diarised, the day needs to be planned to accommodate the event that is “getting a coffee to go”.

The skinny jeans, paisley shirts and shoes like grandpa used to wear were soon not enough. Now they needed beards. Full, thick beards. Beards that could be stroked to purvey a sense of wisdom and understanding. Beards that could be braided, or put into a pony tail to purvey a sense of wanker. Beards that make you look like a bushranger or a member of a ZZ Top cover band. This desire for facial hair cutting deep into the profits of razor and shaving manufacturers. Sure electric clipper sales were increasing as facial hair, in fact all body hair, now had to be sculptured. Manscaped. But clippers are a once off purchase. Shaving blades were monthly.

Following the growth of facial hair came the growth of head hair. Long flowing locks like the 70s. A look that looked ridiculous then and no better now. Sure the 70s blow waved and now it is in top knots but it still looks ridiculous. The topknot is sure to be one of the first fashion pieces to be heartedly laughed at when the obsession with wearing their grandparents clothes without the slightest hint of irony, accessorised with glasses with no prescription, pre-tied bow ties and bob socks comes to an end. The growth of head hair has done to the hairdressing/barber trade what the facial follicles have done to shaving.  It has also ostracised men who have genetic pattern baldness. Which may explain the increased popularity of the fedora. Hair like the BeeGees, beards like Ned Kelly and hats like Dick Tracey.

If ruining coffee, the shaver trade and the hairdressing profession was not enough, the hipster has now all but ruined one of the great charities. Starting in 2003 in Melbourne Australia to become one of the great initiative raising awareness and much needed funds for men’s health Movember success came from men being sponsored through donations to grow their facial hair throughout the month of November. One month of looking scruffy then a like a bit of a dick. The more outlandish the facial hair the better. Waxing moustaches like a 50’s dandy, handle bars like bikers, goatees like Colonel Sanders, and full beards like bushrangers. Now because of the self-centred, ego centric, look at me attitude of the hipster Movember is now unrecognisable. Is that person participating in Movember or just a Hipster? Who knows, and more importantly who cares. No one is talking Movember this year. Who is sponsoring a mate to keep the facial hair that they already had.

The Australian cricket team used to be big supporters and participants in Movember, and they might be again this year, but who can tell. Mitchell Johnson has kept his Chopper Read handlebar moustache for a couple of seasons. He had it when his success rate improved phenomenally, and like Sampson hair, he kept it believing it gave him strength. Warner has sported a moustache reminiscent of cricketers in the 80’s for a long time. During five day test matches, historically players do not shave so who can tell what they are doing.

I am not sponsoring anyone this year because I do not want to inadvertently be supporting the creation of a new Hipster or be enabling an existing Hipster to continue their lifestyle. The price of their artisan coffees is so high nowdays, I figure a donation has already been added.