It is Spring Racing Carnival time again, and Australian
television news lifestyle editors could not be happier. There job could not be
easier. Melbourne Cup coverage on evening news, the night of the “race that
stops the nation”, will be the same as every other year.
The newsreaders are most likely to located trackside, and
will definitely be dressed in race going finery with the distinct possibility
of top hat and tails for the men and some ridiculous head piece for the women.
The broadcast will commence with commentary and footage of
the winning horse crossing the finish line and then in the mounting yard
wearing its ribbon whilst trainer and jockey hold up the cup, owners standing
awkwardly in the background.
To complete your Melbourne Cup news bingo card select from
the following “news” stories, which will appear somewhere throughout the news
broadcast. Will yours be aired first?
a. A
piece about the amount of food and alcohol consumed on the day at the track.
The food will be compared to either the weight or volume of bases or the volume
of the MCG (in Melbourne everything of large quantities is compared to the
MCG). The alcohol volume will be measured in Olympic swimming pools.
b. Total
number of people through the gate
c. The
amount racegoers and the country in general gambled away. To encourage everyone
to gamble again next year there will also be mention of the total winnings and
some ridiculous one off bet that paid off.
d. Celebrities,
who attended Flemington and at which marquee were they a guest. If previous
years are any guide the international celebrities will be C if not D grade
celebrities if they are known at all in Australia.
e. Fashion
on the field. This will have many sub sections
i. The
catwalk competition of ordinary race goers vying to win a sash.
ii. Fascinators
(which ironically are not that fascinating) and hats
iii. Token
men who actually look good.
iv. Fashion
editors will also find some woman’s outfit they deem to be inappropriate and
portray it as a scandalous controversy even though no one had even noticed the
outfit until they splashed it across the screens in primetime.
v. The
same fashion editors will also create a montage of people wearing something
similar to demonstrate this years’ trend. Spots, stripes, pastels, bold prints,
black, pink etc. Of course with so many people at the track the chances are
that there was equal number s of punters wearing each of these styles.
vi. Token
men wearing bright coloured suits, this is always a group of men.
vii. Costumes;
Smurfs, Where’s Wally, Ritchie Benaud (yes he is a cricketing legend but how
many costumes do people own?) and Mario
are always popular
f. General
punters, like fashion there will be many sub sections
i. Crowd
shot of people cheering without abandon towards the end of the race as they
realise they are backing the winner.
ii. Crowd
shot of people realising they have not backed the winner and pretending not to
care
iii. A
group on 6-10 people sitting on the ground sharing a picnic oblivious to the
amount of room they are taking up or that there is a race on
iv. A
couple having a good snog
v. Drunk
people bonus points, if it is someone unconscious on the grass at the end of
the day
vi. Women
carrying their uncomfortably high shoes in their hand walking barefoot or in
their boyfriends shoes
vii. Drunk 20
somethings yelling incoherently as they pass the camera
g. The
reporter
i. Pretending
he is drunk (it is always the male reporter) or at least claiming he is
pretending to cover up the fact that he is actually drunk.
ii. The
same reporter being a bit leery with some of the female punters
iii. The
same reported walking slightly dishevelled from the track towards the tram stop
at the end of the day
iv. A
reporter “bonding with the crowd” sitting with them, toasting nothing in
particular (usually with champagne the reporter has taken from the punters)
v. Reporter
standing in the loudest most intoxicated section of the crowd to show how “fun”
the “atmosphere” is. Said crowd will yell and scream on queue and someone will
do something obscene in the background.
h. Random
historic fact or record. A researcher has quickly looked on Google or Wikipedia
to discover that this is the first time the winner has been trained by a
left-handed ginger hermaphrodite or the stableboy’s best friend is the great
great grandson of the person who stitched the saddle blanket worn by the winner
on the 1907 race. The more detailed the fact the less impressive it is.
i. Public
transport, because apparently it is news that the trams are a bit packed when 100,000+
people all try to get on them at the same time.
j. Coverage
of the actual race will not occur in its entirety until the sports section of
the broadcast
k. The
broadcast will end with the same footage with which it started. The same
footage will have been repeated at least 3 other time throughout the news.
My bet is that all of these will be included. On every
channel.
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