Real estate adverts and online dating

Handyman’s dream: this woman is very touchy feely literally she is after a handy - man, she will expect massages, foot rubs, handholding, and cuddles. Lots of them. All the time. oF course the upside is that she is likely to reciprocate the handy-ness. There can be other upsides when two consenting adults want to love each other in a special way

Fixer-upper if you are not a plastic surgeon or have the financial means to acquire the services of same on a regular basis then this might not be the person for you.

Fully renovated the plastic surgery is complete...for now, but more may be required in the future. No guarantees as to how many original body parts will still be intact.

Ideal for first time owner still a virgin and getting desperate? This one is for you. This is a partner that will fulfil your needs in the short term, but in the long term you will want to move on and look back on with a mix of fondness and regret in equal measure. They are going to have lots of flaws but will do for the time being. As for “owner”, read “mail order” no relationship is going to last when it starts with the premise of ownership.

Spacious fat

Great views either fat or stunner (this can be a trap for new players) or opinionated having something to say about everything regardless of how ill informed the opinion may be

Fully landscaped this is a person who spends a lot of time and money with grooming, hair make up, body hair – the word fully implies there is not a single strand of hair anywhere on the body, do you want to date an adult or a pubescent youth?

Heritage listed old and not willing to change

Suburban Delight “soccer mum” will stick to traditional values and gender roles. May also like killing polar bears and want to run for Vice President of the United States

Close to transport read this as a warning, this is someone who is suggesting that you need to plan your getaway options

Close to shopping centre do not come into this relationship without a great credit rating and a platinum card. This person loves to shop

Close to schools do you want to be a parent...now this person either already has or intends to have children within 9 months of meeting you

Close to parks and recreation definitely the sporting types, expect any date to include running, riding, trekking or team sports. They are also competitive, and will not like to lose. They will want to come first all of the time.

Sunken Lounge not necessarily ageing but the elasticity in the skin is going and gravity is taking its toll and body parts that used to be perky, tight and upright and now sagging, loose and pointing to the ground

Exposed beams ­bald

Attic do not expect riveting conversation as things are vacant upstairs

Move in today very easy and eager for sexual activity, if I may paraphrase Blackadder you will need to bury this person in a Y shaped coffin

Seeking long settlement either this person is going to take a long time to warm to you and show any sense of caring and genuine affection or they are expecting to fall in love and get married only a short time after meeting. WARNING if you later want to end this marriage, expect another long settlement period

Open plan although this person may love you dearly and be committed to a long and happy life together they will not be sexually faithful. They are expecting part of the happiness to be shared with other bedroom partners – with or without you.

Sea change this person may not be all that you expect are they really the gender they say they are and have they always been this gender. This may be important for some people.

A great little hideaway first of all do not expect to be seen in public with this person, they never leave the house this might be due to mental or physical abnormality. The word “little” may imply that the reason for hiding away may be as a result of this person not being of legal age.

A Separation

This Iranian film is winner of the 2012 Oscar for the Best Foreign Language Film (yes it has subtitles people). I can not comment on its deservedness of this accolade as I have not seen any of the other films nominated for this somewhat xenophobic category. However I was riveted by the drama of the story

Unfortunately it took a long time to set up the story I enjoyed, at 123minutes in duration it needed to be cut by about 30 minutes, most of it at the beginning of the film. During the beginning sequences it was also difficult to follow the dialogue. It was easy to read the subtitles and the story all made sense – it was just difficult to attribute the separate lines to the correct characters.

At its heart this is a story of truth and devotion. In Jesus Christ Superstar Pilate asks Jesus “But what is truth, is truth unchanging law. We both have truths – are mine the same as yours?” Fundamentally this is the heart of A Separation.

After separating from his wife Simin, Nader hire a caretaker, Razieh for his father who suffers with Azheimers. This is where the drama begins. Religious impropriety, duty of care, and family commitment sets in motion a series of events that see Nader charged with murder and Razieh charged with abuse.

Throughout it all Nader’s devotion for his daughter drives his commitment to his truth, thankfully it was not set in America where the judicial system requires witnesses to swear the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Nader sticks to the ultimate truth but lies by directly and omission to make his mission easier.

Razieh sticks to a truth that upholds her devotion to her husband, to maintain honour for them both. Her honesty is not does not follow the more traditional universal understanding of truth in as much as it is mainly lies. If her version was a movie it would come with the disclaimer “based” on a true story.

The relationship between Nader and his daughter is moving. All of the key male figures dominate the women in their lives. Nader however dotes on his daughter, respects her and values her opinion and intelligence. It provides an interesting sidenote to the plot.

A great but long movie. Don’t rush to see it in the cinema. Nothing would be lost on a smaller screen in the comfort of your own home.

Watch out for the Judge, his dry matter-of-fact approach is entertaining, he does not buy into the emotion, nor does he let his emotions rise. A very amusing juxtaposition to the hot-headed responded to the main protagonists.

Etiquette Lesson

It is time to talk etiquette. I am not referring to the rules to fine dining or responding to an invitation to a friends wedding, I am talking about the important things in life. Walking with umbrellas, for example.

Firstly short people should not be allowed to carry them. Ever. The ends of the umbrella’s ribs poking everyone else in the eyes or jugular. Like entering a lane of traffic from a side road, people stepping out onto the footpath* should have to give way to all traffic already on said footpath. Whilst this is good etiquette at anytime it is even more important when opening an umbrella in front of you. Unless of course you are commencing a ninja style attack – the cane jabs into the persons stomach, ribs or side and just as the bend down as a result of the sharp pain to inflict further injury by opening the canopy smacking them in their wet, cold and unsuspecting faces.

Talking about walking. There is usually room for two lines of people in any one direction. That means there is room for one line for people who want to treat the escalator as a ride, standing still and enjoying the view. The rest of us who have a life full of more important things than riding up and down moving staircases should therefore be free to walk on the other line. In Australia the tourist side is on the left and the walkers on the right.

Pushers and nanna-trolleys. In general I bare no grudge against these conveyances nor the people who push them. Except in the flow of foot traffic when they in explicably stop or worse – change directions. What is the etiquette? Simple. Keep moving…forward.

Perhaps the answer is for footpaths shopping centres and markets to have lanes for tourists, browsers, families and nitpickers and another for people who know how to shop.

Public transport. I have written previously about the etiquette of boarding pubic transport and stopping just one step inside the door. Now I want to discuss the exiting of said transport. If you are at the stop waiting to board then you must wait for all peoples disembarking the vehicle. When waiting stand a few steps back from the door to allow room for the disembarking to occur. In Victoria the disembarking stage may take slightly longer due to the “touch off” requirement of Myki. There is one caveat.

If the vehicle is at the end of its route and passengers choose to take a few minutes to; finish a level of Angry Birds, get the end of a chapter, let a phone call that consists of nothing more than yelling at the other person “no I cant hear you properly, I am on a tram”, gathering your belongings or rounding up stray family members then all bets are off. The statute of limitations for boarding passengers is the length of time it takes the first wave of people – those who are organised – leaving the vehicle to, well, leave. After that then it is good luck to you. You have no right of passage implied or otherwise. Now you will have to wait your turn. If you are on a tram with a pram that is just as big as the carriage on which you re travelling, take two people to carry and an engineering degree to unfold – expect no mercy. Instead of public transport, it would only be correct etiquette to stick to your four-wheel drive family mover – so essential in the fully bituminised, flat roads of most modern cities.

ATMS, there is an implied one transaction limit, any more than that go to a branch or introduce yourself to internet banking Checking your balance can only occur as a separate transaction IF AND ONLY IF there is not a single person waiting to use the ATM after you. If there is a queue of even one person then confirming your balance either on screen or by receipt can only occur as the final step of a deposit or withdrawal. The second or any subsequent transactions will require the customer to join the end of the queue and wait their turn again.

*Footpath is English for sidewalk for the American readers who refuse to comprehend that other countries may use other words for common items. Add to your research list “tomato sauce”, “tap” and “torch”

Review - The Wild Duck

The Wild Duck

This adaptation of Henrik Ibsen’s is stunning in its simplicity. A bare set with only the fewest of handheld props throughout the play force the audiences’ attention to the actors who are in turn forced to act. And act they do.

Capturing the essence of their characters with subtlety and driven by sharp, powerful and often witty dialogue the small cast portray two families whose lives are more intertwined than they realised.

The play builds steadily to a powerful and deeply moving climax.

The duck, unlike its more famous Commonwealth Games opening ceremony cousin, is more than a mere publicity devise. It represents the history and connectedness of the two families and is a living allegory for Eloise Mignon’s character, Hedvig. The duck was relaxed and appeared confident in the limelight hitting all of its marks. It did enjoy its moment in the water swimming and, well, duck-diving it the tank. Not once did it even appear as though it wanted to flap, or peck, or fly, or defecate. Not once! Much to the disappointment of this audience member.

Lets be honest, just like a car accident that we dearly wish would never happen, we are all quietly excited about the idea, the possibility of seeing it happen before our eyes – one where no one (person or duck) gets hurt.

What a pleasure to watch Eloise Mignon, perhaps best known for her role as Bridget Parker on Neighbours as she revealed a depth of character and emotion which was never called for on the set of Australia’s longest running soap opera. Playing a 16 year old girl she is cheeky, opinionated, emotional, immature, naive and yet wise beyond her years. Annoying – just like a teenager should be.

Audiences are sure to laugh and cry throughout this Belvoir Production. Playing at Melbourne’s Malthouse Theatre where everyone is assured a seat with a great view of the stage.

Movie Review - The Descendants

I have to admit I was not overly excited when asked by a friend to see this George Clooney film. Firstly because it starred George Clooney. An actor whose fame and reputation has surpassed his acting to the point that no matter how good he is I can not get past the fact that I am watching George Clooney on the screen – preventing me from transcending into the character he is portraying.

Secondly from the previews it looked like just anther romantic comedy. Let me deal with the comedy. It did have some light-hearted humourous moments but not enough to label it a comedy. Whilst it was romantic but not in the regular Hollywood style of boy meets girl, boy falls for girl boy and girl have a series of mishaps before living together happily ever after.

It is a romance in as much as Clooney’s character proves his love for his dieing wife by putting the needs of other less deserving character above his own needs.

Faced with a series of stressful ethical decisions Clooney portrays the grieving husband with an unexpected subtleness and passion, that is both confronting and endearing for the audience. The main story line of preparing for a funeral has a number of twists that only brings further pain to the main characters.

The sub plot of native land-titles is much less interesting and a lot more predictable, merely a distraction for the audience.

The movie can seem slow, the closest thing to an action scene is the moments Clooney runs down the winding road from his Hawaiian home – no spoiler alert as it is included in the all of the previews. It is all about relationships, personal sacrifice and pride. The emotions of this story are often played out in long close-up sequences often without a word spoken.

Watch out for Shailene Woodley, who plays Clooneys character’s daughter. This could be the beginning of a long and celebrated career.

Movie Review - The Artist

In the world of modern film making it was risky to create a (almost) silent movie. The occasional use of sound effects and voice were masterfully woven into the narrative. Unfortunately that was the most interesting –only interesting? – part of the narrative.

Set in the 1920 during the silent film era and artfully recreating the genre The Artist unfortunately the story line was a recreation of Singin' in the Rain without the clever and witty dialogue, unforgettable music and skilled dancing.

A Hollywood silent movie star meets a nobody in the crowd, she becomes a star in the new world of talkies, his star fades but will Y-A-W-N will love conquer all? I am not sure as I fell asleep before the end.

John Goodman’s performance as a cranky movie studio boss is a standout. Bérénice Bejo is an absolute classic beauty of the silver screen. Her eyes and smile are too often the only thing keeping the audience concentrating on the screen. Jean Dujarin plays the flawed hero as required of the genre he over acts and plays all characters including himself with a false sense of confidence a bravado.

Will in with an Oscar® for best Picture? Probably. Not because of its quality but for its bravery and for its mush less than subtle nod to Hollywoods nostalgic past.

Wait for this one to come out on DVD and then wait for someone else to choose it.

Movie Review - Chronicle

Chronicle

This movie was noting like I expected – a superhero story that really was not as much about having super physical powers but rather the battle for emotional power and control of self.

My fear on entering the theatre was that I was going to see a 21^st century take of Teenwolf. Yes there were scenes showing the three main characters going through the motions of learning about their newly acquired powers. Done with great humour these scenes (and most of them shown in the trailers) were also about teenagers discovering themselves and creating their own meaning and direction in a challenging world.

There are a few moments when the producers came close to falling for the super powers cliché, but pull back just in the nick of time.

This is not the light-hearted teen flick the trailer makes it out to be. The main story line is powerful heart wrenching tackling issues abuse, power, control (self control?), rites of passage and mateship.

As an Aussie bloke I am not meant to show any indication of an emotional response and although I did not cry (even privately) over this movie I was quite moved and talked about it for hours after.

Amongst more existential topics Chronicle did spark the conversation “if you could have a super power what would it be?”

For me it would be invisibility. Not for voyeuristic reasons but to hear what people say about me when I leave the room. It seems so much easier the George Costanza in Seinfeld when he left a tape recorder inside a briefcase to hear what the board members of the Susan Ross Foundation thought of him.

What super power would you like?

What do you want to say about even if I am virtually still in the room?