Merry Christseuss

Redundancy Diaries #6 Sign on the dotted line

This will be the final chapter of the Redundancy Diaries and, unlike the final Harry Potter movie, which end up being the final 2 movies from the franchise. I appreciate that as readers you will experience mixed feelings resulting from this news. The purely altruistic feeling of excitement for
me in finding gainful employment, and a totally selfish feeling of loss at the end of what has become a regular column of entertaining reading. Shame on you for being such an ego-centric view of life.

I was offered, and accepted a position today starting in the new year. All very exciting, I know. Being a true-blue Aussie I do not possess the ability to haggle so I dutifully accepted the salary package offered to me. I am sure the selfish readers, whom I have already identified, would say I am undervaluing my skills and experience. Well of course I am but who could afford to pay me what I know I am worth. If Westpac Chief Executive can receive a $9million bonus in a year where banks worldwide required government bail outs after creating one of the biggest stock market crashes in history and when Westpac raised interest rates almost double that of the Reserve Bank rate then what I am worth. This year I managed budgets effectively bringing projects in under budget, met all performance targets and increased the diversity of public information available about life threatening illnesses.

Oh, now I see why I was made redundant. Large companies with multi-million dollar budgets do not appreciate competence.

In that case my New Year’s resolution will to be more wasteful and deliver a lower standard of customer service. With that sort of work ethic I am sure to be promoted before the ink of the signatures on my contract is dry.

Redundancy Diaries #5 Stop it...ok just a little bit more

Jerry Seinfeld once equated job interviews with first dates, explaining that only with a job interview is there little chance you will end up naked at the end of it. He was right.

My face hurts from all of the false smiling, laughing at inane jokes (the interview panels told some too) Being politically correct ALL the time. Just having to sit up straight. It is hard to give a good impression all slouched over the arm of a chair with your feet tucked up under your backside. If they wanted that people would interview candidates in their lounge room. This could be a revealing interview.

In this weather when I am on the couch it is t-shirt and underwear. I would wear a tie, of course.

My suit has never had such a good workout and although I have a reasonable tie collection I have realised that I have a limited number of shirts that are suitable for wearing with a tie. Making a string of consecutive days of professional business attire quite the fashion dilemma. Only one thing for it, buy new shirts to add to my collection of 60+ shirts. It takes six weeks to complete the rotation of long sleeve shirts alone.

My favourite interview question so far has been, “If you were an animal what would you be and why?” I would love your responses to this question, either about yourself or your recommendations for how I should have responded to the question. Please leave a comment.

Redundancy Diaries #4 Talking up a storm

Given that I only own one suit I think I will wear that. I have no idea if it is really a day suit or dinner suit or business suit. Don’t know and frankly don’t care. It is grey, buttons up and looks formal with a tie.

I am not sure why I wear suit and tie to an interview as I have never worn one whilst working, well except when I was emceeing a Harmony Day event at which the Lieutenant Governor of South Australia was key note speaker and when one of my staff died. On reflection this was more of a funeral day than a workday.

Funerals and weddings are really the days for suits, and weddings can be a lot more casual open collar that sort of thing. Not as casual as at the race though. Nothing says class like a suit worn with a pair of Dunlop Volleys, nothing that is except a suit with thongs.

Looking forward to the interview questions, which always end up the same.
Q: Why did you apply for this job?

A: Ummm because you advertised it and are willing to pay me money to do it. Actually I did not even apply, my recruitment agent just emailed you my resume and this interview is the first I even knew that the position was available.

Q: What skills and experience do have suitable for this position?

A: Firstly thank you for reading my application that I worked on for hours to ensure all of my relevant skills and experience were fully described. I have brought a copy with me so why don’t I just read it to you. Turn the page when Tinkerbell rings her little bell.

Q: What are your weaknesses?

A: I am a hard worker, committed, and diligent sometimes I need to be told to slow down and have a break. (This was a guess what we want to hear question, right?)

Other guess-the-right-answer style questions include
How would you manage a staff member that is under performing?
Discuss how you work with teams and work independently?
How do you effectively manage your time with competing priorities?
Demonstrate how you pay attention to detales?

Q: When would you be available to start?

A: I can start appearing at the office on a daily basis in two weeks, I will start actually working approximately four weeks after that

Redundancy Diaries #3 - It is the Fish John West Rejects

Having been rejected from my substantive position, I was offered an office with the promise of tasks in another area of the organisation. I had an office, yes an actual office with walls and a door. It even had a computer that did not need to be turned on the night before so that it had enough time to warm up for me to start working when I arrived the following morning. With the availability of a telephone headset I suddenly had the urge to call people.

This lasted two days. I was rejected again. A staff member who had been on extended leave originally occupied the office, on Tuesday she resigned. Now that the office was definitely spare, I was asked to move. Not by management but by staff members who used to work with the now past-employee. Why? Because they were upset that someone was in the office space.

I am typing this at a computer that struggles to keep up with my two-finger typing speed just so the desk, chair, telephone (with headset) and computer can be memorialised.

I have received a few job interviews from applications I have prepared. In each case, through the interview process I have learned that the position has been rejected. The position, not me! “This position has been put on hold but we wanted to interview you anyway in case anything else comes up.” “We are interviewing you now though we have decided we are going to wait until mid to late January to decide if we need this position moving forward.”

I have rejected one position. One hour into a half day on the job trial I thanked them for their time. After one hour I was bored stupid. I know, before anyone says anything, I am living only minutes from the border of Stupid Town as it is.

Then of course there are the automated mass rejection letters to applications.

Dear [insert name here]

Thank you for your application for the position of [insert job title here]. Unfortunately we are not going to proceed with your application at this time. We received a large number of applications for this position and
[select one]
· your skills did not match what we were looking for in this role
· other applicants had experience more aligned to the nature of this role
· it was difficult for us to select from such a strong field of applicants

Yours truly,

[insert name of untraceable HR assistant]

I just want to know, when they say they are “not going to proceed with your application at this time” at what time ARE they going to proceed with it. Just a bit of honesty would be appreciated


Dear [insert name here]

Thank you for your application for the position of [insert job title here]. We are not going to proceed with your application, ever. We received a large number of applications for this position and
[select one]
· you have none of the skills, knowledge or experience required
· we can’t believe you thought you were the right person for this role
· thanks for wasting our time. You know we have to read every application we receive, in detail?
· Good luck [you’re going to need it, ha ha ha ha ha]

Yours truly,

[insert name of untraceable HR assistant]

I appreciate the personal touch of automated letters, particularly when the mail merge fails

© darren freak

Redundancy Diaries - Thank God You're Here

Redundancy Diaries #2 Thank God You’re Here

The week since the announcement of my redundancy has been one of sympathy from colleagues some of it real, sincere and empathetic some not so much. I got sympathy from people I had never even heard of or met, including people from the unit in which I worked.

If I had to look your name and/or photo up on the intranet then it is probably too late to start communicating with me, unless of course you have rules about relationships with people at work….

If the footage of people sharing with me their messages of sympathy and best wishes would shown on SBS, the subtitles would read “Thank God you’re here!” “Thank God you’re here, otherwise it might have been one of us that was made redundant. It might have been me.”

It makes for good farewell gifts though the mix of guilt and relief tends to make people quite generous. Like a drunken high school dare, I took one for the team and therefore got to take home the loot.

© Darren Freak 2009

Redundancy Diaries – Let’s start at the very beginning

It is a very good place to start. When you read you begin with ABC, when you sing you begin with do re mi. When your fired you begin with re-dun-dan-cy

My notification was surprisingly dull. My regular supervision meeting with my Director was hijacked. I knew it was bad news when arriving at the meeting I found not only my Director both HR Manager waiting for me. No meeting when the HR manager is unexpectedly in attendance is ever good. In case there was any possibility of confusion the feeling of dread was confirmed by my Director.

His first words, before I had even sat down, were, “Darren, I am afraid I have bad news.”

What did he have to be afraid of? I was the one being fired! His office is all glass visible of me killing him with a weapon constructed of my felt-tip pen, diary and spiral bound note book using a technique I learned from MacGyver.

What disappointed me most was the lack of occasion. Something, anything I would have liked a little bit of effort to make the moment more memorable. Balloons with the message we are going to burst your dreams. Donuts and pastries – this is the last dough you will be getting from us, or simply (and this would be my preferred option) a hooker standing there in her underwear “You’re screwed!”

But alas there was none of that. Just a very to-the-point discussion, this is what is happening, when it is happening and how much money will be involved. Regretfully they tell us (cuckoo, cuckoo) but firmly they compel us (cuckoo, cuckoo) to say goodbye (cuckoo) to you…