I love fried food

I love fried food. There I said it. In a world of quinoa , kale and paleo I understand that this is a big statement to make. As I write this I am eating my way through a serve of shoestring fries and fried chicken “bites.” To be honest I am not sure if my meal contains either potato or chicken. But who cares, it tastes good.

And I do not want light, organic, Heart Foundation approved vestal virgin olive oil either. I want the hard stuff. A blend, the ingredients of which are as mysterious as the food to be fried.

I want my fried chicken as full of hormones and antibiotics on the inside as it is covered with spiced breadcrumbs on the outside.

Dumplings are better fried than steamed. Oh sure you have steamed to impress your friends and attempt to be a little healthier, but lets be honest the niggle of regret the moment you utter the words to your waiter and only grows in intensity as the plate of dumplings hits the table and you start to eat them. Although they are tasty in your heart of hearts you just know they could have been better.

Everything when fried is better; banana, eggplant, mars bars. Children would happily eat their vegetables if the garden salad was fried.

Brussel sprouts might even be edible if only they were fried. Deep fried.

Whilst Pizza Hut seems hell bent on shoving anything it can into the crust of a pizza – currently in Australia we are enduing meat pies built into the base of pir meatlovers. Previously there has been cheese and hotdogs amongst other items that have no right to be connected to a pizza base. All the while the simple answer to take the humble pizza to the next level* is to fry it.

*According to every reality television show ever made “taking it to the next level” is not only a thing, it is the most important thing ever!

No more gourmet, wood fired, whole meal, artisan pizzas. Just take a simple Hawaiian pizza and slide it into the fryer for a few minutes. You can’t tell me the traditional margarita could not do with a frying makeover.

Even cheese – the awesome animal fat product that it is improves when introduced to some boiling oil. Thank you saganaki, thank you.

There are not many things to thank the French for, besides French toast. Bread, egg and glorious hot oil. This simple recipe will bring to life any breakfast meal. Whether it be traditional poached eggs, the Canadian twist of bacon, banana and maple syrup or the hipster trendy smashed avocado, every breakfast dish should contain fried bread.

Smith/Lays (depending on your country of origin, should release a chip/crisp flavour that is simply “fried”. On the pack is should boldly state, fried not oven baked.

What Pizza Are You?

Remember when the clichéd awful question to ask a potential date was “if you were a pizza topping what would you be?” was simple to answer?

There were 6 answers, each with their assigned personality traits

·      Margherita – traditional, simple, pure, original

·      Hawaiian – basic boring

·      Supreme – complex, a bit of spice, open to everything

·      Vegetarian – hippy, high maintenance, feminine (this was before vegetarianism was a mainstream dietary option)

·      Meat lover – masculine, rugged

·      Seafood – exotic

Now with gourmet, handmade, wood-fired pizzas the options are too numerous to even start listing. More evidence that hipsters are destroying the world as we know it.

The endless array of options also makes it impossible to assign personality traits. Though if your pizza topping includes quinoa, kale or is made up entirely of so called “superfoods” then it might still speak volumes about your personality.

No longer are the meats limited to ham, beef salami and chicken. Pizzas now come with, bacon, pastrami, quail, duck, goat, and game. Where previously only a select few vegetables were considered suitable to top a pizza now if you can grow it then you can use it.

I never understood what it meant, but apparently the style of base you preferred spoke volumes about your character. Again the options were simple, thin or think. That was all.

Thin and thick remain, but now there are so many more options to consider, wholemeal, rye, sourdough, flat bread and gluten free to name a few. In a world where carbs are viewed with the same level of suspicion and borderline hatred as a burqa I am sure people are also ordering pizza sans base.

Chain stores are now upping the ante on pizza bases by stuffing them with cheese, or cream cheese, or hot dogs, or meat balls , or corn chips or cheese and corn chips. This may be very telling about your personality or your waistline or your likelihood to have a major coronary before the age of 50.

Is it no wonder finding a life partner is so hard nowadays?

It also explains why online dating and dating apps are also all the rage. Like a pizza menu, these apps and sites offer picture of what the selected person can look like (when at its absolute styled best) as well as a list of their “ingredients”.

If you want to date the equivalent of anchovies, lentils, bean shoots and chilli on rhubarb chutney base all sprinkled with Himalayan rock salt and lime juice after being removed from the oven then that person exists, somewhere. Download there profile or swipe right today.

Australian Archives

image source: Darren Freak, dftours.com.au

Today 10 new additions to the Australian Film and Sound Archive were announced. What an interesting way to preserve Australian cultural history throughout the years. It did make me think, what about a Australian Taste Archive? Here are my suggestions for the initial inductees.

Kangaroo.

‘Roo is perfect food for the number one spot. Eaten by Australian residents as well as their pets, it is also on Australia’s coat of arms. Along with the emu it was chosen for the coat of arms due to its inability to move backwards, ie Australia is always looking forwards. Of course it could be argued that its inability to reverse might be one of the reasons it is so easily killed for food. Kangaroo also has the unique position of being a national symbol whilst also being treated like vermin. Kangaroos also represent an interesting allegory for Australia’s refugee stance. Politically Australia prides itself on its multicultural society and its history of immigration, whilst at the same time wanting to rid itself of new arrivals.

Beetroot.

When hamburger outlets want to have an “Australian” variation to a basic menu item they add beetroot. In the same way adding BBQ sauce makes it American/Texan.

Egg.

In the same way that the addition of beetroot makes a hamburger Australian, the addition of an egg to a pizza makes it more Aussie. Alternatively some pizza makers may choose to remove most ingredients from their pizza to make it more authentic Aussie – leaving only the tomato cheese and ham. This theory ignores the fact that an authentic pizza is Neapolitan. (yes I know this is a pizza “flavour” it also means “from Naples”  - and yes that does mean that the only authentic pizza flavour/topping is Neapolitan  - and no that is not to be confused with the mix of chocolate, vanilla and strawberry ice-cream that is also called Neapolitan.)

Pineapple.

Similar to beetroot and egg, except this is added to recipes in Australian middle and working class homes to make ant dish seem for exotic. Generally adding pineapple to a recipe allows the cook to describe the meal as “sweet and sour”. Beef stew + pineapple = sweet and sour beef.

Chiko Roll.

The Chiko Roll is the Australian interpretation of the spring roll or a Chinese egg roll. It is a mix of beef, celery, cabbage, barley,  carrot, corn, onion, green beans, and spices wrapped in a pastry and then deep fried. Tasty, right? It was once the perfect fast food for spectators at an Australian Rules Football match, quick to cook, easy to eat with one hand.

Meat Pie.

Similar to the Chiko, a meat pies comes into its own at a game of footy. Whilst it is questionable as to how much actual meat a pie should contain (if any) they are basically meat and gravy in pastry, cooked in an oven. A meat pie should be eaten with tomato sauce and ideally be served at a temperature that guarantees the eater burns the roof of his or her mouth. The reflex action of pulling away quickly with one’s mouth open almost always results in at least some of the filling spilling onto the front of the eaters shirt leaving a permanent stain.

Snags.

Cooked on the BBQ the perfect Australian sausage should be either burnt so that it actually crunches during the chewing process or is left so that it is still raw in the middle. Either way the consumer is sure to be spending some time in the near future vacating the same sausage from their bowels. No one knows the exact list of ingredients that creates an Australian sausage. No one wants to know the list of ingredients that create an Australian sausage.

Vegemite.

Enough said.

It is worth noting that Chiko Rolls, meat pies , poorly cooked snags and vegemite within hours, also lead to a range of digestive bi-products which could be the initial entries to the Australian Smell Archive.