Monday, September 28, 2015

Down-low on the Brownlow

7.27pm and the countdown has started. All of the eligible men pristine in their dinner suits are entering the mansion to wait out the reality televisions' most extreme pregnant pause before learning who will be presented with the white rose. At the end of the ceremony AFL CEO Gillon McLachlan (AKA Osher) will announce this years football bachelor.

But first it is the red carpet.

7.32pm James Blunt has arrived and is going to try and sing a more manly song. He has obviously not seen the amount of preening and manscaping that the guys have put into getting ready for tonight, they are not exactly the poster boys of masculinity.

A difficult conundrum wth the Red Carpet, with PM Malcolm Turnball declaring disrespecting women is "Un-Australian"for the AFL to have a women assaulted at the Preliminary Final and then past football star Billy Brownless referring to a mother and daughter as strippers at a local sports night.

Yet here we are broadcasting commentary on how attractive the WAGS are. And of course who they are wearing, which just sounds a bit cannibalistic.

8.23pm Armourguard  has arrived with the votes.  Nice product placement.

8.24pm Highlights of round one with homoerotic images of toned men grapling each other and tearing off their tops. You are right James Blunt, very masculine.

8.25pm Round 2 hightlights lots of scarves and people blowing bags of ice from their nose (the frozen ice type).

8.34pm Round 3 apparently everyone smashed into the fences, that might explain why goal accuracy is so poor.

8.37pm To stick to the overused reality television format the broadcast is filled with a lot of talking head shots with players talking about what we have already seen.

8.42pm Bruce McAvaney is now a bookie. Giving his predictions about who will be deemed most SPECIAL.

8.43pm A lot of group dates, not many couches or hundreds of candles, and no kisses of note. This episode of The Bachelor is disappointing. And no bitchiness back in the mansion. Nat Fyfe looking resplendent with his cane. I hope there is a top hat hidden backstage so he can breakout into a vaudeville style song and dance number if he wins.

8.53pm time for some reminiscing of players and coaches retire. The AFL does like a motorcade, particularly around the edge of an oval.

8.57pm So the players are introducing the highlights of each round. Thankfully they play with a lot more passion when they play. Even Nicole reads her lines with more expression. Osher is in a rush, clearly can't wait to get to the final rose ceremony. The Channel 7 commentators continue to take the pre-show favourites on 1-on-1 dates, not much of a spark.

9.01pm The alcohol is flowing and the general noise in the room is growing. The final rounds should be good.

9.03pm Bruce is in fine form now. He is quoting stats that only he could know or care about (and possibly just made up) to try and build some sense of escitement in a night that essentially a man repeatedly reading the numbers 1,2 and 3 for a few hours. Apparently Fyfe is the first player who looks like a surfer, with an injured leg, on a day with 1mm of rain, after losing a Preliminary Final in another state to receive 17 votes by this stage in the count.  In case the marathon show of footballers pontificating endlessly about a sport, McAvaney has now forward promoted another Channel 7 show "The Chosen Few".

9.09pm AFL has just remembered women also play the game and as Turnball game them some respect. 30 seconds worth. The footage montage was shorter for the entire women's season than it is for any one round of the men's competition. Respect.

9.12pm Goal of the Year Eddie Betts. Left foot banana from the boundary. Despite the skill with his feet but really struggles to put on a jacket.

9.14pm Indigenous round to recognise the contribution of indigenous players to the game. No mention of Goodes and the disrespect he received all season.

9.17 Round 10 a player and a pigeon both suffered career ending injuries.

9.19pm still no rumours of an early pregnancy as a result of the 1-on-1 dates with the  Channel 7 commentators. Perhaps there is too much alcohol flowing, which in turn prevents the love flowing.

9.21pm montage and interviews about the favourite Nat Fyfe, we learn that his high school football coach is not a comedian.

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9.26pm more flashbacks and reminiscing this time former Brownlow Medalists who are retiring. Dear AFL and Channel 7 I have some ideas about how the broadcast can be tightened.

9.27pm time for a drink as we toast retiring players in a speech that is as heavily scripted and as awkward and as little charisma as every speech given by Sam Woods to any of his girls.

9.30pm Osher can still only count to 3, and he keeps giving them to FYFE who is now 4 points clear at the top of the leader board. 4, Osher has not learned that number yet so Gyge is safe for at least 2 rounds.

9.33pm Players who are ineligible should have to pack their bags and leave the a speech in the limo home about how they should have been chosen at that Bachelor Gillon does not know what will make him happy.

9.35pm Video montage of potential marks of the year. I have to admit the high flying marks do make Aussie Rules Footy spectacular. It is a shame that for a code of football that 1 point for trying is awarded when players kick for goal and miss, but at least get close.

9.39pm Round 13, injuries, suspensions, children abusing players and poor spelling on banners. Apparently some football was also played.

9.41pm Jim Stynes Community Leadership Award. Congratulations to all nominees for all of your hard work. So much more important and bigger  than the game itself. Congratulations Dennis Armfield.

9.44pm Round 14 started with the tragedy of the death of Adelaide Crows coach Phil Walsh. A sombre mood in the room. A simple and poignant tribute. Round ends with Nat Fyfe 10 points clear. Osher will have to take off his shoes and socks to keep counting.

The Brownlow Medal Count is taking as long as the actual season, according to the TV guide we are only half way through. Buckle in.

9.55pm Mick Malloy proving that the Brownlow Medal room enjoys comedy as much as the TV Week Logies. We finally get some kissing, albeit with no passion. Everyone kisses their partner with less romance than one would kiss their grandmother. Happy to see some mullets back on my TV screen again!

9.59pm Bruce McAvaney is desperate, as is channel 7 to keep the viewers interest to the end of the broadcast with Fyfe so far in front. He makes up some more stats and claims that the players that are more than 3 rounds behind are about to make a comeback. How does he know, I thought the votes were delivered all secure by Armourguard.

10.02pm Another interview with Fyfe, if he does win he wont have much left to say.

10.03pm it is cliche o'clock as we watch the montage of another favourite. Apparently a footballer who has already won a Brownlow Medal will always be a Brownlow Medalist. Insightful. Again sticking with the Bachelor format by stating the obvious.

10.08pm We are still only up to round 16! An umpire got flattened. The memory of a fallen coach uplifted. Nat Fyfe is still 10 points clear at the top. Osher sounded disappointed that he did not get to say Nat's name. I think we know who he wants to give the white rose to.

10.11pm Tayla Harris and Luke Darcy have as much chemistry as Sam and Nina on the second last episode of the Bachelor. Nic Naitanui wins mark of the year.

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10.20pm Finally the AFL reclaims the notion of respect in support of Adam Goodes, having allowed him to be abused for weeks. Aboriginal players all perform traditional dances to celebrate goals. Proud of their heritage and rightly so. Besides it is just plain entertaining.

10.22pm Having finally celebrated indigenous dancing the previous round the AFL allowed Western Bulldogs mascots to dance. A lot less entertaining. Perhaps if the dances and been rehearsed and performed for thousands of years the bulldogs will be up to scratch.

10.25pm Bruce McAvaney is sprouting more incomprehensible Brownlow statistics or he was discussing the ups and downs of the stock market, or air pressure in hectopascals.  Who can tell?

10.29pm Finally some lovin'. Im round twenty two birds cant hide their love for each other and just go for it on the field. Ok so the two birds were just team mascots. But this episode of The Bachelor has been lacking hints of physical love.

10.31pm Osher/Gillon must be jealous of Bruce McAvaney's grasp of numbers. His head ids just falling out of his head. Incoherently, but numbers none the less. I think he was trying to say Fyfe leads by 6 points with 3 rounds to go.

10.36pm Round 21. More umpires hit, this time by a ball to the face. Not as goods as Australia's Funniest Home Videos staple as a ball in the crotch, but still funny.

10.38. Matt Priddis get 2 more votes closing the gap on Fyfe. Bruce McAvaney does an audition for the lead in a re-make of A Beautiful Mind by completing some mathematical gymnastics. Osher is preparing the silver tray, there appears to only be 2 roses left.

10.42pm Round 22 seemed to have a lot of players trying to end their own season early or that of their team mates, through injury. No chance of Fyfe getting a vote, Osher did not slow down. With one round to go the winner has been decided. Bruce takes him on a last 1-on-1 date. Fyfe looks about 15 years old. Keep your hands to yourself Bruce.

Here comes the song and dance routine, get his cane and top hat.

SHOCK Fyfe walks without the cane. It is a Brownlow miracle.

The white rose is presented. a long and needless speech is just delaying the inevitable pash. There are no gays in this village so there is no kiss, just a manly handshake. Hang on, Bruce is drooling a bit, good thing he is standing behind a podium.

Time to strike up the band to end this interview and let the honeymoon begin. Bruce really wants this new found love to last he is now asking Fyfe about his thoughts on relationships.

We can end now Fyfe just referred to his "journey" - the perfect end to this reality television show. Except it did not end.

Oh my god, Snezna could have become pregnant, gone full term and had her baby in the time this interview is taking. Bruce is clearly drunk or drunk with love and Nat is getting handsie. And now for an oral sex reference - this makes Bruce VERY happy!

One last irrelevant stat from Bruce and we are done!


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