I did not expect, whilst on my morning commute, that I would
be engaged in a lengthy discussion about what foods and drinks bring on a
gaseous response from the consumer.
When it comes to beer it turns out that Little Creatures is much kinder to the digestives system than Victoria Bitter. Personally I am a cider
man and am yet to have a less than desirable back-door reaction to this.
I have also learned today that the contents of some sausages
are more conducive to downstairs wind gusts than others. The challenge of the
sausage is of course no-one is quite sure what the ingredients of a sausage
actually are. Is it the hoof or the sawdust that cause of this embarrassing
reaction?
Ironically cabbage and beans and cheese, infamous for their
links to this unfortunate infliction, did not even rate a mention in this
cutting-the-cheese discussion.
Mushrooms proved to be inconclusive from my research sample due
to too many variables; mushroom type and cooking technique.
I suggest Master Chef does a flatulence special. Contestants
have to create the most back-draft-creating food. Instead of making inane and
intentionally misdirecting comments Matt Preston simply eats the meal and then
asks George to pull his finger.
Kale, the super food of hipsters everywhere, was however
blamed for super eruptions. This could be a big selling point for parents
struggling to get their fussy children to eat their greens. Every child loves
it when Mr Fluff comes to visit.
As an adult I now find a good tummy grumble much funnier
than a bottom explosion and it is just as embarrassing for the perpetrator.
Firstly because there is a lot less the person can do to control it and
secondly because innocent bystanders can not be caught in the crossfire.
Unlike its methane mate, to achieve its maximum effect a
guttural gurgle needs to occur in close proximity to other people and the more
intense the moment the better. In a high level meeting, during the dramatic
stand off of a play, during the throws of passion, somewhere the ambient noise
is low. The end result being similar to when you are speaking to a friend in a
very noisy room and suddenly the volume drops and you end up yelling across the
room for everyone to hear, except it is the belly bleats and not the vocal
cords, that brings unwanted attention.
