Redundancy Diaries #3 - It is the Fish John West Rejects

Having been rejected from my substantive position, I was offered an office with the promise of tasks in another area of the organisation. I had an office, yes an actual office with walls and a door. It even had a computer that did not need to be turned on the night before so that it had enough time to warm up for me to start working when I arrived the following morning. With the availability of a telephone headset I suddenly had the urge to call people.

This lasted two days. I was rejected again. A staff member who had been on extended leave originally occupied the office, on Tuesday she resigned. Now that the office was definitely spare, I was asked to move. Not by management but by staff members who used to work with the now past-employee. Why? Because they were upset that someone was in the office space.

I am typing this at a computer that struggles to keep up with my two-finger typing speed just so the desk, chair, telephone (with headset) and computer can be memorialised.

I have received a few job interviews from applications I have prepared. In each case, through the interview process I have learned that the position has been rejected. The position, not me! “This position has been put on hold but we wanted to interview you anyway in case anything else comes up.” “We are interviewing you now though we have decided we are going to wait until mid to late January to decide if we need this position moving forward.”

I have rejected one position. One hour into a half day on the job trial I thanked them for their time. After one hour I was bored stupid. I know, before anyone says anything, I am living only minutes from the border of Stupid Town as it is.

Then of course there are the automated mass rejection letters to applications.

Dear [insert name here]

Thank you for your application for the position of [insert job title here]. Unfortunately we are not going to proceed with your application at this time. We received a large number of applications for this position and
[select one]
· your skills did not match what we were looking for in this role
· other applicants had experience more aligned to the nature of this role
· it was difficult for us to select from such a strong field of applicants

Yours truly,

[insert name of untraceable HR assistant]

I just want to know, when they say they are “not going to proceed with your application at this time” at what time ARE they going to proceed with it. Just a bit of honesty would be appreciated


Dear [insert name here]

Thank you for your application for the position of [insert job title here]. We are not going to proceed with your application, ever. We received a large number of applications for this position and
[select one]
· you have none of the skills, knowledge or experience required
· we can’t believe you thought you were the right person for this role
· thanks for wasting our time. You know we have to read every application we receive, in detail?
· Good luck [you’re going to need it, ha ha ha ha ha]

Yours truly,

[insert name of untraceable HR assistant]

I appreciate the personal touch of automated letters, particularly when the mail merge fails

© darren freak

Redundancy Diaries - Thank God You're Here

Redundancy Diaries #2 Thank God You’re Here

The week since the announcement of my redundancy has been one of sympathy from colleagues some of it real, sincere and empathetic some not so much. I got sympathy from people I had never even heard of or met, including people from the unit in which I worked.

If I had to look your name and/or photo up on the intranet then it is probably too late to start communicating with me, unless of course you have rules about relationships with people at work….

If the footage of people sharing with me their messages of sympathy and best wishes would shown on SBS, the subtitles would read “Thank God you’re here!” “Thank God you’re here, otherwise it might have been one of us that was made redundant. It might have been me.”

It makes for good farewell gifts though the mix of guilt and relief tends to make people quite generous. Like a drunken high school dare, I took one for the team and therefore got to take home the loot.

© Darren Freak 2009

Redundancy Diaries – Let’s start at the very beginning

It is a very good place to start. When you read you begin with ABC, when you sing you begin with do re mi. When your fired you begin with re-dun-dan-cy

My notification was surprisingly dull. My regular supervision meeting with my Director was hijacked. I knew it was bad news when arriving at the meeting I found not only my Director both HR Manager waiting for me. No meeting when the HR manager is unexpectedly in attendance is ever good. In case there was any possibility of confusion the feeling of dread was confirmed by my Director.

His first words, before I had even sat down, were, “Darren, I am afraid I have bad news.”

What did he have to be afraid of? I was the one being fired! His office is all glass visible of me killing him with a weapon constructed of my felt-tip pen, diary and spiral bound note book using a technique I learned from MacGyver.

What disappointed me most was the lack of occasion. Something, anything I would have liked a little bit of effort to make the moment more memorable. Balloons with the message we are going to burst your dreams. Donuts and pastries – this is the last dough you will be getting from us, or simply (and this would be my preferred option) a hooker standing there in her underwear “You’re screwed!”

But alas there was none of that. Just a very to-the-point discussion, this is what is happening, when it is happening and how much money will be involved. Regretfully they tell us (cuckoo, cuckoo) but firmly they compel us (cuckoo, cuckoo) to say goodbye (cuckoo) to you…