20 to 1

20 to 1 things D-cade celebrities could do instead of offering inane commentaries and barely recognisable impersonations of real celebrities on television list shows.

20            Practice the craft for which they became famous, musicians write and record songs, actors join a theatre company, broadcasters get an actual opinion and then start telling people about it.

19            Do what every other celebrity does when his/her bubble starts to burst, design your own range of underwear.

18            Go to Africa and pretend to rough it, whilst filming an advert or documentary for World Vision in surprisingly clean and freshly ironed clothing.

17            Follow the advice of the Mormons, WorkHealth and TAC, spend more time with your families.

16             Get your publicist to update the tabloids about every single date you ever have so we all know when you think you have found your soul mate, discovered your inner strength and therefore no longer need a partner, are depressed because you feel unlovable, becoming desperate to have a child, become engaged, postpone the wedding, believed the rumours that s/he is cheating on you, feel betrayed, find your soul mate…

15            Plan and promote a revival tour/album/show containing all of your old material that initially feels nostalgic and attracts huge audiences.

14            Conduct a second revival tour/album/show where the nostalgia turns to pity as the material appears outdated and laboured with a hint of inappropriateness for good measure.

13            Get a ghost writer to document your memoirs in a style that marginally entertaining before joining the book promotion bandwagon to flog your “autobiography” to an audience who will come up to you on the street to ask “are you that person from TV/radio? You know the one s/he was on that show a few years ago, the one with the other people and the talking. Is that you?”

12            Return to your roots, start waiting tables.

11            Lose weight, then sign up to be the face and body with a diet company.  *Actual impact on your level of celebrity will may vary.

10            Go on a round the world holiday, collecting orphaned infants from every country you visit as a souvenir.

9            Marry an A-grade celebrity, this strategy is more effective if you get your publicist to update the tabloids about every single date you ever have so we all know when you think you have found your soul mate…

8            Start a Facebook fan page about yourself.           

7            Nominate yourself for the next local, state or federal election. If you win, take on a portfolio that is ethically opposed to any philosophical position you had at the height of your fame.

6            Become a producer, developing new talent, creating the next generation of one-hit wonder/D grade celebrities.

5            Judge a performance based reality/game show and continually remind everyone what is was like and just how hard they have to work to stay “at the top”, based on your experience of not staying at the top. A big decision needs to be made before becoming a judge, what sort of judge will you be? The overly emotional judge who often wipes away a tear, displays empathetic smiles and speaks in a breathy (supposedly compassionate) voice. The opinionated, “expert” judge who is overly critical, bordering on offensive. The other judge who seems to merely stick with the response of the audience in order to make themselves look popular  - the perfect role for someone prone to bouts of unexplained and uncontrollable screaming or laughter or for people who have an inventive vocabulary.

4            Hold a press conference with your life partner, to explain that you have been cheating but now understand the error of your ways and the hurt you have caused your family, the person with whom you have played doctors and nurses and your supportive fans, but mainly your partner who swears that they will stick by you no matter what. If you want to become a D-grade celebrity hold a press conference you were the person with whom a celerity was having an affair.

3            Get in touch with your inner “whacky” in the hope of getting a job as a television weather presenter or “journalist” reporting the human interest story which features after the weather on the nightly news.

2            Open up a used-car dealership. This appears to be a relatively effective strategies for sports stars from yesteryear.

1            Anything else! It is guaranteed to be more entertaining than reading over scripted sound-bites on long forgotten moments of pop culture.

When enough is too much

The football finals are over. There I have said it. The players who actually played and won their respective grand finals have taken off their team colours (including Melbourne Storm who have barely walked off the field. So spectators please put your scarves, beanies and gurnseys off, put them back in the cupboard and get on with life.

The only people still wearing their teams colours should be upset because the have just returned to school for another ten weeks before the summer holidays or would be the unfortunate targets of Sam Newman’s attempt at entertainment un the Footy Show segment “Street Talk”.

All indication of sporting allegiance should be shelved a week after your team of choice finishes its season. Cricket supporters have got this one right. Sure they might drink their body weight in light beer the game, fashion a hat out of a watermelon or decide that a kiddies’ wading pool is the most comfortable seat for 8 hours in the sun watching a game that will continue for up to 4 more days BUT they only wear the team uniform on the day of their attendance.

Nationally we run the risk of all failing to recognise when enough is too much as we head full throttle into the Christmas season. A few lights twinkling in the window is quite attractive and festive. Being able to see the glow from the moon might be a little over the top. So many families become the Griswalds on Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. In tough economic and environmental times lights do not appear to be a rational decision.

Reducing our carbon footprint, emission trading schemes and stimulus packages I think the government could become world leaders by taking to Copenhagen a plan to limit the amount of fairy lights per residence.

This is but the first problem when it comes to Christmas decorations. There is the challenge of when to put them up. Just because the shops are selling them it does not mean it is time to put them up. As a rule if Father Christmas has not arrived in town, whether it be at the end of a pageant, in a helicopter or on the back of a ute then it is not time to dust off the tree. No matter how often the kids nag for it.

Keep in mind there are only 12 days of Christmas and whatever goes must come down. According to the Christian calendar then the Christmas season actually starts on Christmas Day. So 12.01am having finished wrapping the presents, mother and father “Christmas” should set up the tree in order to put down the gifts. Leading inot the Christmas season is Advent which is the four Sundays preceding Christmas. So unless the advent calendar glows in the dark there should be no decorative lights.

I do not want to see reindeer, tinsel, wreaths or fake snow in February AND if the decorations are back in storage then it is no longer appropriate to be wishing anyone happy New Year. Just because it is the first time you have seen that person in a particular calendar year does not mean it is appropriate. With that logic I could be partying at the end of September with my mates after my football team won the premiership or out for Christmas drinks with work colleague, meet a young woman for the very first time and drop it as a pick up line.

“Happy New Year” , pull out a sprig of mistletoe and go in for the first kiss.

Adding to my list of things that fall into the category of Enough is too much.; John Farnham, Jimmy Barnes and James Morrison. Yes you are all extremely talented performers but surely Australia has produced other real talent in the past 20-30 years.

Daryl Somers. ENOUGH!

I love garlic but have discovered recently that there is such a thing as too much. By way of explanation I offer you garlic flavoured Weet-Bix for breakfast. Three days in a row.

Finally, it is almost enough of my Melbourne Fringe show “Welcome to the Freak Show”. It is coming to the end of its run withonly 6 show left don’t be the person who misses out. Showing at Velvet Cabaret in North Melbourne shows starts at 7.30pm, 7pm Saturday. Get tickets and further details at http://www.melbournefringe.com.au/fringe-festival/show/welcome-to-the-freak-show. Though you will never get enough of my musical comedy.