Depression, affects so many and yet is so misunderstood in
the community. It is so much more than
feeling sad for a bit. Feeling sad is part of it, but it is being
uncontrollably sad for extended periods over time over things that should not
warrant such an emotional response. Misplacing the keys for five minutes in the
morning should not unravel the entire day. In the one should not fear watching
television with other people for fear that the duckling sitting in a pile of
Kleenex tissues will completely unhinge you. Ironically leaving you in a state
where you will need the very tissues being advertised to wipe away hours’ worth
of tears.
Depression has been described as a black dog. This analogy only
works in part for me, because a black dog would give me a sense of
companionship.
For me it is the proverbial millstone around the neck. The
millstone varies in size and weight as does the length of chain to which it is
attached.
On days when it is un-noticeable to others that it is
because it is small and light and appears like a necklace, a fashion statement.
Oh to have been an adult male in the sixties and seventies when big neck
jewellery was the fashion for men. Now in the 20teens it does not have to grow
much before people notice something – though they are not sure what it is they
see.
No, I have not had hair cut, nor am I wearing a new shirt,
or lost or gained weight. You have just noticed my neckpiece.
At its smallest, my necklace is almost unperceivable even to
myself. Like a pair of socks, after you have put them on you soon stop feeling
them and forget they are there.
But it is not always small, and does not grow in even
incremental amounts. The most dangerous for me is when the chain grows faster
than the stone itself. Attached to my neck, but now dangling around my legs and
feet I am at the greatest risk of being tripped up.
The weight and size of the depression stone matters, unlike
more traditional jewellery the smaller it is the better. There is never a
question of clarity for a depression stone that is why we pay thousands of
dollars in therapy. Like a fine jeweller, the best therapists cut and shape the
stone making it more manageable and presentable.
Yes there can be a trigger, that re-commences the expansion
of the stone, but depression is more than an emotional response to a one off
event.
Around my neck it becomes heavy and awkward when carrying
out daily tasks. It is also exhausting. My head bow under the weight, my eyes
struggle to focus, concentration span can reduce to that of a five year old on
Christmas morning.
The desire to socialise or even leave the house is inversely
proportional to the size of the depression stone, and not just because it is
hard to find an outfit and accessorise with a massive chunk of sediment. The
millstone becomes so big that you believe it would be impossible for everyone
else not to notice it, and once within their field of vision even more
impossible for people not to stare. The last thing someone in the depths of
depression wants is to be noticed, let alone stared at.
Laying or sitting down can help, as it bears some of the
weight of the stone, which is why a favourite position for people with
depression is their own bed or couch. A large rock does not a pillow make. So
despite hours – if not days or weeks – in bed sleep can be either non existent
or intermittent to the untrained or inexperienced eye sleep may appear to be
deep, however it does not any of its normal recuperative qualities. So now on
top of the heaviness, and poor concentration and incessant crying, and feeling
that everyone is staring there is now an ever growing layer of tiredness.
Prescription drugs can help break the cycle and even permanently reduce
the stone to a wearable size. Therapy can help to provide clarity to the stone
which helps chose how it will be worn and accessorised for the day.
Diet goes the way of socialising. For me an indicator that
the stone is growing beyond my own abilities to manage is when I am at a
supermarket contemplating purchasing potato gems (tata-tots for Americans).
Potato gems are the perfect mix of starch fat and salt and
take no effort or thought to prepare. Perfect for someone who is couch bound
wearing the same clothes as hey have for the last 48 hours.
Purchasing a bag (2 meals worth) signals significant
troubles. Multiple bags and a variety of condiments means I am hitting rock
bottom and am not planning on leaving the house for a while.
Doctors recommend nutritional meals with plenty of fresh
vegetables. In reality it is about conservation of energy. If I barely have the
ability to move to the bathroom I am not going to waste the little I have to peel
actual potatoes, slice carrots, and dice onions. At it’s most cumbersome the
depression stone is really too big for my kitchen making it near impossible to
manoeuvrer between the sink, the bin, the stove and pantry.
Not only can the depression stone be a vicious cycle of its
own, often with a tragic ending but it also creates other cycles of dire
consequences. Infomercials can start to make sense after days of interrupted
sleep, Logic now long gone, the exuberant presenters seem reasonable and level
headed, the price now affordable and you do start to wonder how have I survived
so long without the latest miracle product.
So you buy.
Blenders, knives, cookware, slicing machines, storage
containers and gadgets. The very items that only make sense when depressed are
the very items that you will not use in the same state. They sit in the kitchen
mocking you. Of course they mock you when you are healthy too, when you will
never use them because they are just ridiculous, a permanent reminder of how
bad the depression can get.
Maybe I should put potato gems in a Nutribullet, it could
extract the nutrition captured in the crispy shell of my starchy friend? The
website does boast it can “transform ordinary food into superfood”.
