I am just a single guy, I am definitely no academy and I definitely don’t make replicas of my penis, dipped them in gold, nickname them all Oscar and hand them out to movie stars. I also do not have a red carpet, in truth I do not have carpet of any colour. Finally I am not wearing a tuxedo created by one of the world’s finest fashion designers, I am however comfortable.
That said, on the eve of the 2014 Academy Awards here are my thoughts on who should walk home with the metal dildo. They are not recommendations, if this was a box of cereal these would be marked with an asterisk and the words “serving suggestion”.
I have ranked each of the nominees in each of the main characters
1. Nebraska - a surprisingly heart warming with equal doses of comedy and drama. Not since Thelma and Louise has a road trip been so entertaining with or without a constant parade of topless co-eds.
2. Dallas Buyers Club six of the nine nominees for best picture are based on a true story. Three of them about how institutions have let down the very people they are designed to protect. In this case the fight of people living with HIV/AIDS fighting the American Food and Drug Administration.
3. Captain Philips – After the disappointment of in The DaVinci Code and Angels and Demons Tom Hanks remembers he can act.
4. Philomena – the second true story picturethis time it is the cover ups, lies and deceits of the Catholic church, behaviours that do not appear to be recognised by the church itself as sins.
5. Gravity – awesome visual effects (there should be an Academy Award for that) Sandra Bullock proves she is more than just congenial and that she looks good in a pair of boy-cut briefs. Sure it is peppered with technical inaccuracies, including the boy-cut briefs. The story might be seen by many as somewhat predictable, albeit the brick through the head was a surprise.
6. 12 Years A Slave – a powerful and moving story, and the third true story in this category, some great scenes dispersed a lot of ordinary ones. There was also Brad Pitt an inexplicable cameo. Although only 2¼hours in length it did feel like the full 12 years.
7. Wolf and Wall Street and American Hustle, yes they are together because fundamentally they are the same movie the former up market and the latter dirty and grungy. And yes the former could be a remake of The Great Gadsby. The last two of the true stories. At 2hr59 min the Wolf is also the longest of this year’s nominees. Although 20 minutes shorter Hustle felt longer.
8. Her – original story line but nothing happens. Nothing.
1. Bruce Dern (Nabraska) – the whole point of acting is to get the audience to truly believe the actor is in fact the character they are portraying. Playing a man who is losing his mind is not as easy to do – Dern nailed it.
2. Matthew McConaughey (Dallas Buyers Club) – I am surprised that he is even nominated let alone that he is second on the list. His filmography is not exactly an anthology of the world’s greatest films. And he lost all of that weight. Expect your favourite woman’s magazine to have a feature on the new McConaughey 7 day wonder diet..
3. Leonardo De Caprio (Wolf of Wall Street) – surprising comedic timing and who can forget his physical commitment when climbing down the stairs?
4. Chiwetel Ejiofor a solid performance that may sneak a statuette on the night as Hollywood tries to purge itself of its guilt of America’s awful history on human rights.
5. Christian Bale – no amount of extra weight (is that Matthew McConaughey’s excess?) and fake bad hair will disguise a performance that is grating at best.
1. Cate Blancett (Blue Jasmine)– winner by a country mile. Enough said.
2. Amy Adams (American Hustle) – a bright spot in an otherwise dull film.
3. Sandra Bullock (Gravity) – as with McConaughey it was unexpected that she was nominated and that she rates as high as third. She may have rated higher, if like Mexican reporter Carlos Pérez believes, the movie was indeed filmed in space.
4. Judi Dench (Philomena) – another strong character piece by the dame, her consistency is ultimately her downfall this year. There was nothing extra. Even her hair seemed to be repeated from Notes on a Scandal.
5. Meryl Streep (August: Osage County) – unlike her fellow nominee Judi Dench, Meryl brings too much to this film. Unfortunately for Meryl Streep this is not the best female over-actress. She is as far behind the field as Cate Blanchett is in front.