Take the piss

Piss; urine, wee, pee, water, widdle, leek, call it what you will it is the warm yellowish (hopefully) and surprisingly sterile liquid waste expelled by the body through the urethra. It is also the basis of many sayings in the English* language both derogatory and complimentary.

On the piss; consuming vast quantities of alcohol in the form of beer. Beer being the “piss”. The lower quality beers often live up (down?) to this reputation and actually taste like the very urine after which this saying is based.

Pissed; after a night of being on the piss one is often referred to as being pissed. Legs and often the brain appear to have turned to liquid, and the words spoken while in a pissed state are as useful to a conversation as the waste material excreted through the urethra is to the body.

Pissed off; angry, often not enough to actually take action but definitely enough to yell abuse and tell everyone around exactly how you feel and that if you could be bothered you would absolutely beat up the person to whom your pissed state is aimed.

It is to be noted that after a night on the pissed one is sure to get pissed which will invariably lead to getting pissed off with someone or something just moments before one tells them that you “love yous all”. Finally one will slowly slip into a state of unconsciousness only to wake up either needing a piss only to realise that they woke up too late for that.

Pissy; often used to describe women who whilst not showing open hostility are still making it known that they are not happy usally make short, sarcastic and derogatory comments.

To take the piss; has nothing to do with medical urine samples or a medieval surgical procedure on the bladder nor does it have anything to do with urophagiacs. It is to poke fun at someone, in a demeaning manner to have fun at another’s expense. Like a old fashion celebrity roast but without the celebrity or the underlying kind nature. It also rarely happen with the piss taker or takee wearing a tuxedo or evening gown.

What a pisser; no, not the most common exclamation heard during the Mardi Gras celebrations, simply a reflection on an exceptionally humourous moment of taking the piss.

Piss in one’s pocket; is alarmingly a highly positive action, complimentary, ego stroking, with a hint of “sucking up” or “brown nosing.” While the receiver may at first welcome the compliments, if someone is really pissing in one’s pocket then it can become awkward, embarrassing and annoying. Much like the effects of someone actually pissing in one’s pocket. No-one enjoys having to swim through someone else’s urine to find their loose change or car keys. If you do ever find your pockets full of urine remember to take a moment to reflect of the gymnastic ability required to receive such a feat.

Pissing down; whilst never heard during a television weather broadcast, it refers to rain, heavy rain/

When it is pissing down people are likely to get on the piss which will start in good humour during which time many people will both take the piss of someone else whilst at the same time have their own piss taken. As the drinkers become more pissed it is inevitable that one of the group will piss in the pocket of the most dominant member of the group. That person is likely to get a bit pissy after a while which will lead to them becoming pissed which, if the person with pockets now full of piss is not too pissed will beat the shit out of the person who is in their pocket. When the fighting starts the person being beaten up may just wee themselves – just a little.

*Other languages may also have similar urine based phrases and sayings but I am not a linguologist, sorry.

Quiet Please

Why does the crowd at a tennis match need to be quiet? Golf is the same, why? It can’t be concentration as the noise and movement of the crowd does not appear to adversely affect the performance of the world’s best in any other sport. Lawn bowls may be the exception.

Crowds are always quiet during lawn bowls but considering the average age of the spectators it might just be as a result of their medication or a little nanna nap.

Tennis and golf though there is to be no noise, no movement. Golf the ball is not even moving towards the golfer. It is just sitting there at there feet. As long as the crowd is not trying to squeeze their head in between the knees of the golfer as s/he lines up to putt then it should not really matter. Stop looking at the crowd at the top of your backswing, look at your feet. This would have prevented a lot of Tigers current problems.

In tennis the advertising boards are much higher than the players ensuring the crowd is not directly behind the players, just like a sightscreen in cricket. The sightscreen is only there for the batsman. The fieldsmen generally do not have any problems seeing the ball in the field (with exception of the current Pakistan team) as it comes either straight at them or plummeting from the sky. The ball passes the backdrop on thousands of people in multiple coloured clothing watermelons on their head, doing the Mexican wave and yet the fieldsmen can still see the ball to pull of some of the most spectacular catches, sometimes using nothing more than their bare hands.

A tennis player with the assistance of a racquet can’t do it.

At the same time the tennis players cry poor wanting ever higher prize money. Prize money requires sponsorship. Sponsorship requires spectators. Players want the cash hence want the crowds and do not want any evidence of the crowd’s presence.

That might just explain Venus choice of flesh toned underwear for her quarter finals match. With the crowd out of sight out of mind obviously she forgot that people would actually be watching. The flesh undies appeared almost invisible as her designer had done the perfect job in colour matching. Unfortunately as the game continued the sweat line created an unsightly “crack”. Surely a code violation?

Talking of women’s tennis if they want equal pay they should have to produce equal play. This is not a question of quality but quantity. Men play best of five, the women only best of three. This means women must win two sets in each match to progress to the next round whilst men must win three sets. Women should therefore only receive two thirds of the pay. This may well explain the screaming in the women’s game. It is all a ruse to convince the administrators that they are putting in the effort. I say if so much energy was not wasted in screaming (and it is clear that they are just faking it) then they would still have the stamina to play to five sets. Another reason to allow the crowd to clap and cheer or like international football/soccer burst forth in song – to drown out the orgasmic orations of the players.

In the IPL 20Twenty cricket there are prizes for the fastest bowl, highest score, biggest six etc, in cycling it is for sprints, king of the mountain, line honours. In tennis I would like to see prizes for the fastest match, fastest serve, longest rally and loudest scream. If the organisers are not going to control it they should embrace it.

The presentation of the awards would fit in perfectly. Sponsors take the microphone, inanely declaring their love of the sport, the fair competition and outstanding display of talent (not you Venus) before announcing the winner. The crowd never listens to the speeches at these presentations, which are always received with deathly silence. Just what tennis players need. They need all the concentration they can muster to hold up the novelty cheque.


(c) Darren Freak 2010

Australia Day Preparation

Australia Day is soon upon us and the countries media have already started stirring up the controversy of the arrival/take over of Indigenous lands by British settlers and convicts. Is the controversy real or is it just a desperate attempt by print and broadcast media to generate news on a day when the only other news is an overweight drunk bloke wearing nothing but Australian flag boxer shorts burning the sausages.

What is the controversy? Sure the new arrivals did not form a treaty with the indigenous peoples as they were supposed to instead they killed. Wasn’t that what happened when Aboriginal nations ventured into the territories of neighbouring nations? No one can tell me that their spears, boomerangs and hitting sticks were only used to kill native fauna. Are we yet to uncover the rock paintings that depict a treaty between theses nations marking out boundaries between lands?

It is also not lost one anyone that the Australian Government deploys huge resources to prevent the arrival of boat people and then contain those that do slip through the net and yet the first government officials arrived unannounced and uninvited to this country on boats.

So the media tell us that the community divided between those that see Australia Day as a celebration of the beginning of the country and those that see it as the beginning of the end. Personally I don’t think the majority of people care either way. It a day off, that is to be spent eating and drinking with friends listening to The Hottest 100 with the one day cricket match on television. If anything the day is a celebration of the first meal of the year that does not contain left over turkey or Christmas ham.

I would have thought that a traditional Australia Day celebration would have been quiet appropriate for the Aboriginal population. It is groups of people getting together eating random bits of meat that have been cooked over a fire, wearing clothing that more often than not only covers the wearers genitals, and getting intoxicated.

To be fair the beverage of choice may have changed after settlement but, if koalas can get drunk on the oils of native eucalypt species there is no way that Aborigines did not discover an intoxicating substance or two for use in celebratory occasions.

The fun police are out in force already warning about. The New South Wales constabulary are calling for only light beer being on sale on Australia Day. Understandable because there has never been any crowd unrest at major sporting events around the country since the introduction of light beer. No pitch invasions, no fights, no offensive behaviour, no flairs. Restricting beer sales to only light varieties will only add to the binge drinking problem.

If people are determined to get drunk then they will. If alcohol content is reduced they will simply drink more and drink it more quickly. It will also increase the sales of slabs of full strength beer in the days leading up to Australia Day. We have all seen the panic purchasing of milk and bread in the lead up to Easter when the supermarkets are going to be closed for a couple of days, resulting in some stores running out of stock. Imagine the stampede if beer sales were restricted.

The humble sausage is also under attack. They are too fatty and too salty. A high fat and high salt diet is bad for your health. It is just ONE day people. Has anyone ever died from a sausage overdose, from over consumption of one day? A stomachache sure, but that is more about the quantity. Nutritionists are always concerned about the fat and salt, when are they going to question the lack of recognisable meat. Don’t get me wrong I love my grilled sawdust, sinew, gristle and hoof. It is just that ever now and then I would like my sausages to contain some actual animal flesh.

Queensland police are also calling for increased penalties for antisocial behaviour by people draped in the Australian flag. Just fine people for wearing the flag. It is not a cape! A cape could help the republican debate as no-one can agree on a model for the presidency. I say scrap the presidency altogether. Give the Head of State an Australian flag print cape and call him/her Captain Australia.

The people wearing the Australian flag come from all cultural backgrounds ironically and unfortunately end up fighting with people from other cultural heritages. Ironically many of these cultures originally came to Australia fleeing the racial tensions of their home countries.

If it was not for the injuries and property damage it would be quite amusing watching migrants fighting over who is more Australian, with Anglo-Australians arguing that because they are all from migrant backgrounds that none of them are truly Australian anyway.

It is just like the Indigenous people’s claim that the Anglos are not really Australian… Oh, so that is the controversy.

Ok, so can’t we just all agree that the friendship got off to a bit of a rocky start and try again? Nothing a few burnt snags wrapped in slightly stale bread can’t help us overcome.

2010, I'm hysterical

According to the media the India is hysterical about the murder of an Indian male in Melbourne. Australia is hysterical about a satirical cartoon printed in an Indian newspaper. Is anyone surprised in a world where the news services are more interested in the emotions than the facts of any story? Even then it is not the actual emotions or even multiple emotions. Modern media can only cope with one emotion at a time, in the case hysteria, and they will tell what emotional response we the viewing/reading public should experience.

Reporting has become so subjective that news has become current affairs, current affairs has become gossip and gossip has become monopolised by and exaggerated flamboyant American homosexual stereotype. Ironically satirical talk and news shows have become the most reliable source of factual news.

The media loves hysteria even in the absence of any frenetic activity. As we start a new year and possibly a new decade (there is no room to entertain the decade debate here), I would like to suggest some “news” items that we will be told are of great importance regardless of actual significance.

• A performing artist with a reputation of substance use will die. The artists will instantly become the best ever performer within their chosen genre despite any previous reviews to the contrary. Any legal, social or personal challenges the celebrity faced whilst living will be forgotten as quickly as the media scrum forms outside the medical centre to which the body was taken. The public will of course be expected to proclaim never ending love, and hold candle lit vigils even though they have never met the person and having limited knowledge of their performing or personal history.
• A politician will have an affair. This is shocking, even though it will have little to no bearing on their performance as an elected official (if anything it might actually make an improvement) Are we meant to be shocked that they are having an affair or simply that they are having sex? Politicians are like parents. We are all sure that they have all had sex at some stage in their lives but we do not want any details or any hint that they are still having sex.
• A burglar who, in an opportunistic crime, steals a child’s bike will not make the news at all.
• A burglar who, in an opportunistic crime, steals a disabled child’s bike will be labelled cowardly, callous and brazen. The public will be told to be disgusted and to be over come with heartfelt sympathy. This emotion is to more intense if a burglary in the days before Christmas net the thief a families presents. The feeling of surprise is also required in this instance. I am always surprised that the media is surprised that theft at Christmas time results in the steal of Christmas presents. Despite insurance covering the cost of stolen properties the media will enjoy telling of the public outpouring of generosity in buying replacement objects. We will be told to shed tears of joy at this eventuality.
• Australians serving in wars will die. This is terribly sad and reason for withdrawing all troops. The death of “enemy” combatants is a celebratory news story. The death or injury of innocent locals trying to live an ordinary live within the war zone is either unfortunate or simply forgotten.
• An international disaster whether it be natural, terrorist or human/mechanical failure will only truly be devastating if an Australian lost his/her life in the disaster. Without the Australian connection the disaster which my have affected or ended the lives of hundreds of thousands of people will otherwise be reported as a mere moment of interest.
• A human rights atrocity will be reported, we will of course be offended. Politicians on our behalf will be called on to vent our collective outrage. As such they will condemn the action and in the worst cases place diplomatic and trade restrictions. We will now feel relief that the strongest possible vocabulary was used on official government letterhead, and our consciences can be clear
• Parents will be made to feel guilty. What ever they are doing it will be wrong and have the potential to lead to death, learning difficulties social ostracism or even worse, obesity. The reason for this guilt will of course change weekly (if not sooner) and will soon contradict itself. Wearing hats as a child can lead to baldness in old age. Wearing hats keeps the brain warm leading to higher IQ.
• Any public event is exciting, spectacular and the most fun one could ever have. The fun one can have at any particular event is exponentially proportionate to the level of sponsorship the reporting media outlet has committed to said event. Like a musical where all of the characters burst forth on a seemingly spontaneous yet amazingly choreographed song and dance number complete with 6 part harmonies, the crowd in the back ground of any live cross to an event will cheer or sing or dance or laugh or clap or all of the above just as the journalist finishes their report. In the case of morning television, despite the report telling of large crowd numbers, the camera will show an excited crowd that contains only 20 or so people who look more like they are out for their morning constitutional than attending an event. This group of 20 people will also clearly be the only people in the vicinity. It is exciting!