A Flood Levy - Levy

After encouraging the Australian population to all pitch in and assist in the building of levy banks to resist the flood waters in both Queensland and Victoria, the Prime Minister is now banking on a levy to resist the flood of bills expected during the rebuilding.

Here are some other pun-based taxes in case of future devastating disasters:

· In the case of Sydney Harbour Bridge collapsing – bridging finance

· Explosions crippling ll of Australia’s power stations – a surcharge

· Death of all milliners in the lead up to the Melbourne Cup – a cap on all spending

· Swine flu wiping out Australia’s piggeries – a sty-pend

· Financial collapse of the nations publishing houses – an over-draft

· Closing of all national and local railway stations – a funding platform

The Opposition, as their name suggests, is opposed to this. They instead are in favour of reduced spending, of course they are also opposed to any spending cuts that also result in reduced services.

It is expensive business rebuilding towns on the flood plains of the Murray River. It also amazes me that people are surprised that whilst living on a flood plain that their property will occasionally be flooded.

This is the perfect opportunity to build more environmentally friendly abodes. Plumb recycled grey (or murky brown) water into the laundry, toilets and gardens. Solar panels on the rooves. Rainwater bladders in the foundations of the house plumbed to the kitchen and bathroom. If securely attached these bladders could double as floating pontoons for the property in the case the once-in-100-year-flood repeats itself in another 30 year as was the case this time around.

In the same way that athletes villages for international sporting events are designed for easy refurbishing to become retirement villages or public housing, with the rain water bladders Australia could be world leaders in building entire towns and suburbs of potential houseboats. The solar panels could be rigged in away that they can become sails.

Financially there has to be savings got te government of the installation of the much-heralded National Broadband Network as the necessary cabling can occur during the rebuilding. The digging of trenches will no longer be required in some areas the entire district is but one large trench.

The Cash for Clunkers scheme has been abandoned which mush be f great frustration to the families and businesses affected by the floods as we all saw on the news that their cars were swept away by the rising waters before clunking into each other, buildings, bridges or trees.

Hopefully the government have learned from their mistakes from the home insolation program and the school halls scheme. In the former many of the properties burned down and to be frank Victorian’s are still a bit sensitive to the thought of major fires. Some might say it is too soon. With the latter superfluous school buildings were built. The rebuilding of two states is going to be expensive enough without building additional towns. Ones that were never there in the first place. Home owners may however be able to take advantage of such mismanagement principles. Publicly funded upgrades extensions; two bedroom shacks becoming palatial 4 bedroom open plan living homes.

Australia is said to have been raised on the sheep’s back we will now be rebuilt from a builders crack.

[image: ibtimes.com]

Australia Day Preparation

Australia Day is soon upon us and the countries media have already started stirring up the controversy of the arrival/take over of Indigenous lands by British settlers and convicts. Is the controversy real or is it just a desperate attempt by print and broadcast media to generate news on a day when the only other news is an overweight drunk bloke wearing nothing but Australian flag boxer shorts burning the sausages.

What is the controversy? Sure the new arrivals did not form a treaty with the indigenous peoples as they were supposed to instead they killed. Wasn’t that what happened when Aboriginal nations ventured into the territories of neighbouring nations? No one can tell me that their spears, boomerangs and hitting sticks were only used to kill native fauna. Are we yet to uncover the rock paintings that depict a treaty between theses nations marking out boundaries between lands?

It is also not lost one anyone that the Australian Government deploys huge resources to prevent the arrival of boat people and then contain those that do slip through the net and yet the first government officials arrived unannounced and uninvited to this country on boats.

So the media tell us that the community divided between those that see Australia Day as a celebration of the beginning of the country and those that see it as the beginning of the end. Personally I don’t think the majority of people care either way. It a day off, that is to be spent eating and drinking with friends listening to The Hottest 100 with the one day cricket match on television. If anything the day is a celebration of the first meal of the year that does not contain left over turkey or Christmas ham.

I would have thought that a traditional Australia Day celebration would have been quiet appropriate for the Aboriginal population. It is groups of people getting together eating random bits of meat that have been cooked over a fire, wearing clothing that more often than not only covers the wearers genitals, and getting intoxicated.

To be fair the beverage of choice may have changed after settlement but, if koalas can get drunk on the oils of native eucalypt species there is no way that Aborigines did not discover an intoxicating substance or two for use in celebratory occasions.

The fun police are out in force already warning about. The New South Wales constabulary are calling for only light beer being on sale on Australia Day. Understandable because there has never been any crowd unrest at major sporting events around the country since the introduction of light beer. No pitch invasions, no fights, no offensive behaviour, no flairs. Restricting beer sales to only light varieties will only add to the binge drinking problem.

If people are determined to get drunk then they will. If alcohol content is reduced they will simply drink more and drink it more quickly. It will also increase the sales of slabs of full strength beer in the days leading up to Australia Day. We have all seen the panic purchasing of milk and bread in the lead up to Easter when the supermarkets are going to be closed for a couple of days, resulting in some stores running out of stock. Imagine the stampede if beer sales were restricted.

The humble sausage is also under attack. They are too fatty and too salty. A high fat and high salt diet is bad for your health. It is just ONE day people. Has anyone ever died from a sausage overdose, from over consumption of one day? A stomachache sure, but that is more about the quantity. Nutritionists are always concerned about the fat and salt, when are they going to question the lack of recognisable meat. Don’t get me wrong I love my grilled sawdust, sinew, gristle and hoof. It is just that ever now and then I would like my sausages to contain some actual animal flesh.

Queensland police are also calling for increased penalties for antisocial behaviour by people draped in the Australian flag. Just fine people for wearing the flag. It is not a cape! A cape could help the republican debate as no-one can agree on a model for the presidency. I say scrap the presidency altogether. Give the Head of State an Australian flag print cape and call him/her Captain Australia.

The people wearing the Australian flag come from all cultural backgrounds ironically and unfortunately end up fighting with people from other cultural heritages. Ironically many of these cultures originally came to Australia fleeing the racial tensions of their home countries.

If it was not for the injuries and property damage it would be quite amusing watching migrants fighting over who is more Australian, with Anglo-Australians arguing that because they are all from migrant backgrounds that none of them are truly Australian anyway.

It is just like the Indigenous people’s claim that the Anglos are not really Australian… Oh, so that is the controversy.

Ok, so can’t we just all agree that the friendship got off to a bit of a rocky start and try again? Nothing a few burnt snags wrapped in slightly stale bread can’t help us overcome.

2010, I'm hysterical

According to the media the India is hysterical about the murder of an Indian male in Melbourne. Australia is hysterical about a satirical cartoon printed in an Indian newspaper. Is anyone surprised in a world where the news services are more interested in the emotions than the facts of any story? Even then it is not the actual emotions or even multiple emotions. Modern media can only cope with one emotion at a time, in the case hysteria, and they will tell what emotional response we the viewing/reading public should experience.

Reporting has become so subjective that news has become current affairs, current affairs has become gossip and gossip has become monopolised by and exaggerated flamboyant American homosexual stereotype. Ironically satirical talk and news shows have become the most reliable source of factual news.

The media loves hysteria even in the absence of any frenetic activity. As we start a new year and possibly a new decade (there is no room to entertain the decade debate here), I would like to suggest some “news” items that we will be told are of great importance regardless of actual significance.

• A performing artist with a reputation of substance use will die. The artists will instantly become the best ever performer within their chosen genre despite any previous reviews to the contrary. Any legal, social or personal challenges the celebrity faced whilst living will be forgotten as quickly as the media scrum forms outside the medical centre to which the body was taken. The public will of course be expected to proclaim never ending love, and hold candle lit vigils even though they have never met the person and having limited knowledge of their performing or personal history.
• A politician will have an affair. This is shocking, even though it will have little to no bearing on their performance as an elected official (if anything it might actually make an improvement) Are we meant to be shocked that they are having an affair or simply that they are having sex? Politicians are like parents. We are all sure that they have all had sex at some stage in their lives but we do not want any details or any hint that they are still having sex.
• A burglar who, in an opportunistic crime, steals a child’s bike will not make the news at all.
• A burglar who, in an opportunistic crime, steals a disabled child’s bike will be labelled cowardly, callous and brazen. The public will be told to be disgusted and to be over come with heartfelt sympathy. This emotion is to more intense if a burglary in the days before Christmas net the thief a families presents. The feeling of surprise is also required in this instance. I am always surprised that the media is surprised that theft at Christmas time results in the steal of Christmas presents. Despite insurance covering the cost of stolen properties the media will enjoy telling of the public outpouring of generosity in buying replacement objects. We will be told to shed tears of joy at this eventuality.
• Australians serving in wars will die. This is terribly sad and reason for withdrawing all troops. The death of “enemy” combatants is a celebratory news story. The death or injury of innocent locals trying to live an ordinary live within the war zone is either unfortunate or simply forgotten.
• An international disaster whether it be natural, terrorist or human/mechanical failure will only truly be devastating if an Australian lost his/her life in the disaster. Without the Australian connection the disaster which my have affected or ended the lives of hundreds of thousands of people will otherwise be reported as a mere moment of interest.
• A human rights atrocity will be reported, we will of course be offended. Politicians on our behalf will be called on to vent our collective outrage. As such they will condemn the action and in the worst cases place diplomatic and trade restrictions. We will now feel relief that the strongest possible vocabulary was used on official government letterhead, and our consciences can be clear
• Parents will be made to feel guilty. What ever they are doing it will be wrong and have the potential to lead to death, learning difficulties social ostracism or even worse, obesity. The reason for this guilt will of course change weekly (if not sooner) and will soon contradict itself. Wearing hats as a child can lead to baldness in old age. Wearing hats keeps the brain warm leading to higher IQ.
• Any public event is exciting, spectacular and the most fun one could ever have. The fun one can have at any particular event is exponentially proportionate to the level of sponsorship the reporting media outlet has committed to said event. Like a musical where all of the characters burst forth on a seemingly spontaneous yet amazingly choreographed song and dance number complete with 6 part harmonies, the crowd in the back ground of any live cross to an event will cheer or sing or dance or laugh or clap or all of the above just as the journalist finishes their report. In the case of morning television, despite the report telling of large crowd numbers, the camera will show an excited crowd that contains only 20 or so people who look more like they are out for their morning constitutional than attending an event. This group of 20 people will also clearly be the only people in the vicinity. It is exciting!