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| Source: www.one8once.com
Your Honour, the prosecution will
demonstrate beyond a reasonable doubt that show-business, cinema, theatre and
television, has been treating its paying audience as fools. The prosecution
recognises and upholds the concept and tradition of audience being required to suspend disbelief –
it is the only reason DC Comics and
Warner Bros. Pictures can get away with the only disguise Clarke Kent wears to
prevent him being recognised as Superman is a pair of spectacles.
Exhibit A, Your Honour.
Dancing as a form of gang warfare. It was
attempted in Westside Story – the
clicking finger start to the battle is now one of the most parodied
scenes. In the 80s there were a range of breakdance movies that continued to
prove that it never looks like a real battle. Diavolo Theatre, currently touring Australia provided further
evidence that classically trained dancers are not street-toughs. Not matter how
low you wear your oversized cargo pants if you and wear a dance support and
sliding repeatedly down a slippery dip you are never going to be threatening.
The Prosecution would like to enter into
evidence Exhibit B.
Condoms in real life are not magical! There
I have said it. Yet in porn (so I have
been told) when the foreplay is finished the male performer suddenly appears
with his erect appendage fully sheathed. Not only is there no removal from the
package – lets face it this is often difficult and rarely sexy - and no awkward moment when the actors
realise they were trying to roll it on inside out, but it was never on set in
the first place. The scene could be set on a secluded nude beach, the actors
having walked for a couple of hundred meters from where they undressed before
frolicking in the shallows where there is nothing around but perfect white
sand, yet when it comes time abracadabra, the prophylactic is there. Ta da!
Unless they had it secreted in an orifice
there was no condom to be had.
Exhibit C.
Calling Nicole Kidman an actress. It may
have been true early in her career, BMX
Bandits, Dead Calm maybe even Days of
Thunder. But in recent years she has so much work on her face that she is
no longer able to make an expression, she cant raise an eyebrow, let alone show
enough emotion to make cinema goers raise theirs. It would be cheaper just to
use a cardboard cut out of Nicole Kidman in future movies and it could show
more character – you can at least fold or crease the cardboard.
Exhibit C
Show business through the perennial
favourite Sesame Street has taught
generations to count. Yet in movies like The
Hunger Games franchise the laws of mathematics and not merely bent they are
destroyed. Katniss Everdeen chooses as her weapon of choice the bow and arrow.
This is seemingly a rookie mistake as a quiver only holds fletched shafts. Or
so it should. The other tributes choose weapons such as axes and swords –
weapons that can be used repeatedly. Oh wait the story is told from Katniss
Everdeen’s perspective and there are three books in the series…she can not die.
To help her in the cinematic releases her quiver never runs out, no matter how
many arrows she releases. In some scenes in the second movie Catching Fire fires off arrow after arrow after arrow and yet ends the
confrontation with more arrows that when the scene started. Even Leonado
Fibonacci would have difficulty calculating the numbers here.
The Prosecution Rests
|
Saturday, February 15, 2014
People v Showbusiness
Thursday, February 6, 2014
First Time
 |
| Source: divadogtraining.com
Life is full of firsts; first steps, first
day of school, first kiss, first car, first job…each marking some kind of rite
of passage. I remember buying my first washing machine not so much because of
the purchase itself but rather how excited I was, and then it turn how
embarrassed I was about my excitement. For me it was a sign of being an
independent adult.
I also remember the first job I had that
required me to have a business card. Not including the part time jobs I had at
school and university it was my fifth job that afforded me a small piece of
cardboard bearing my name. The pride, despite earlier jobs having greater
responsibility and demanding greater commitment and work hours the supply of
business cards made this position feel like my first real job.
Most recently I finished my first cake of
soap. No, not the first cake of soap
I ever used. That would imply I bathe so infrequently and use so little soap
when I do that one bar of cleansing product would last over 30 years. What I
mean is, it is the first bar I have used until it completely disappeared during
application. In my family it was practice to join the last slither of soap to
the top of the next, new bar. This meant it was never obvious when any single
bar was completely used. I have continued this practice into my adulthood.
Imagine all the money I am saving.
Well this week out of sheer laziness – I
could not be bothered to get a new cake of soap out of the cupboard adjacent
the shower – my soap completely disappeared. I did not drop the last little
piece, it did not go down the drain, I just used it all up. Of course I am not
sure exactly when in my cleaning routine the soap ran out so it is questionable
how clean I actually was. But I did it.
It is like driving to see how far you can
go once the needle on fuel gauge hits empty,
without the risk of having to walk for an hour to buy fuel.
I also remember buying my first
television. A T.V. all of my own, in my
own room! This was before houses had my television sets than people and people
monitors were carried in every pocket disguised as a telephone and built into
the front of refrigerators so you no longer had to wait for an advert to grab a
drink.
My mum was upset for days; she cried and
wouldn’t speak to me. She thought this was the first step to me moving out of
home. She was right, I got my own place 3 years later! In reality all I wanted
to do was control the remote.
|
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Too Soon?
 |
| 12 January 2014, www.dftours.com.au |
It is often used for a cheap laugh after a
topical joke fails. But the question remains how soon is too soon.
I was at Woolworths today in time to see
the first arrival of Easter eggs, only
18 days after Christmas and 98 days before Easter. Some would argue that this
is too soon. I say is it perfect as I can now have mince pies (also still on
sale) and Easter eggs for dessert.
Why was Jesus born if not to die for us all?
So who can begrudge retailers for encouraging us to celebrate is as soon as possible.
Besides as soon as we kill him off again the sooner we can get to selling food
and decorations ready for celebrating his birth.
As long as neither the Easter eggs nor
their ingredients arrived in the Australia by boat as the Prime Minister Tony Abbott
has declared boat arrivals as un-Christian.
When it comes to interpretive dance the
world declared that 7 days is too soon for it to be included in a memorial
service. Tamzanqa Jantjie provided his interpretation of the speeches at Mandela’s
public memorial, deaf communities around the world signed foul describing his
movements as gibberish.
One would argue it is always too soon for
interpretive dance, regardless of the circumstance – international memorial or
no.
20 weeks. That is all it took to prove that
England cricket celebrated its 2013 Ashes victory too soon. England won the
series 3-0 (though commentators will debate for generations to come that if not
for the English weather Australia would have won the two drawn tests). 20 weeks later England had lost the ashes 5-0
in arguably the most one sided Ashes series ever.
Also in the sporting arena, New Zealand
learned that being 8-0 up, and only one race win away from a famous victory, is
too soon for celebration. In 2013, the Emirates Team New Zealand snatched
defeat from the jaws of victory, eventually losing 9-8 to Oracle Team USA in
the best of 15 sailing race.
Facebook relationship status updates are
updated way too soon. A drunken party-pash or one night stand does not a
relationship make. Despite this, the urge to tell the world is too strong for
so many. Changing their status so quickly one questions if it was post or
during the deed. One hand busy pleasuring the other busy posting.
You can always tell when the update was too
soon as it will be follow up by another update it changes to “it’s
complicated”. This change represents the time when the other person realises
they have been linked online to a relationship they did not know existed to a
person whose name they previously did not know.
The only person whose relationship status
does actually change this quickly, according to the magazine covers, is
Jennifer Anniston.
Monday, December 30, 2013
14 Melbourne Things for 2014
- DF Tours
So you got a new camera for Christmas but have no
idea what to do if you switch it from auto to manual. Join a photographic
walking tour exploring some of inner Melbourne’s most famous and infamous
locations and a few hidden gems. The two hour tour is also an ideal way for
tourists to start their exploration of the city.
Tours will cover many of the camera’s functions as
well as composition techniques. Tours start from Federation Square. Day and
night tours available as well as private bookings.
$66/person
- Bounce
Remember the sheer joy you experienced bouncing on
the bed as a child, well now you can relive that feeling without the fear of
being yelled at by your parents. Bounce has over 50 interconnected trampolines
on its floors and walls as well as a 5 foot deep foam pit. Lessons are
available, join the dodge ball league or just go their and release you inner
child.
Must be 110cm tall, for general sessions, junior
jumper groups available. Bookings are essential
from $15/hour
- Kayak Melbourne
Take a relaxing paddle down the Yarra River to see
the sites of Melbourne CBD from a new perspective. No experience is necessary,
kayaking provides an excellent opportunity to exercise and relax all at the
same time. “Accidently” splashing each other is also a great way to cool down
during the Australian summer.
A variety of tours are available of differing
lengths. Day and night bookings available.
from $72 for 90min tour
- Cutler & Co
Fine dining without the pretence. Treat yourself!
Cutler & Co offer a la carte and degustation
menus. For those on a tighter budget try their set Friday and Sunday lunch
menus. The friendly atmosphere compliments the exquisite combinations of
flavours of the food as perfectly as the wine selection.
Next door is the Supernormal Canteen, described as
Cutler & Co’s experimental kitchen, is laid out like a casual dining café.
Currently it is right next door to its parent restaurant in Fitzroy, but is
cutting the apron strings and finding moving into its own place on Flinders
Lane in March 2014.
$60/person Friday lunch
- Flying Trapeze
Remember sitting, eyes skyward, watching in awe as
the men and women of the flying trapeze seemingly flew through the air? Here is
your chance to do it for yourself. Classes teach basic techniques and even
beginners will get the change to do a back flip and release in their first
lesson. One off classes and term courses available.
Fly Trapeze also offers classes in a range of
circus skills including acrobatics, tumbling and contortion. Stretch yourself,
literally!
$89/2hr beginner class
- Kryal Castle
Kryal Castle offers jousting, knights, maidens,
horses, torture, throne rooms and a hanging or two. Whilst the Kryal Castle
experience is more A Knights Tale than Game of Thrones, this medieval theme park may just provide the
escape from reality into Ye Olde times that is all the trend at the moment.
Sure the scenes might be a little cliché and the
actors are not likely to win an Oscar® anytime soon. Recently renovated, Kryal
castle is a full day’s activity for the whole family. Dinner shows and
accommodation are also available
$17/child, $28.50/adult
- Melbourne Star Observation Wheel
Originally opened in 2008, for 40 days, it has been
under repair for 5 years and is now back in business. The wheel is 120m high
and takes approximately 30 minutes to complete a full rotation. The “flight”
gives visitors the opportunity for uninterrupted views of up to 40km over
Melbourne and Port Phillip Bay.
Each cabin can hold up to 20 guests. Take your
camera and practice the skills you learned with DF Tours.
from $19/child, $26/adult
- Melbourne International Comedy Festival
One of the worlds premiere comedy festivals, MICF
attracts some of the biggest names in the business. The festival boasts over
300 acts performing in rooms all over the city. Go and see the international
artists or the household names from Australian TV and radio, sure, but this is
a festival. Festivals also offer an opportunity to explore something new.
Comedy comes in many genres and all of them will be
on display, as well as the big names the festival is full of new comers and
artists still learning their craft. There will be some hits and misses but it
these acts that will provide the biggest comedic surprises of the festival. For
every big act you see make sure you see an unknown.
- AFL ANZAC Day Match
AFL is the national sport and the ANZAC Day match
is one of its biggest games. This is a chance to get the grand final atmosphere
without the grand final price tag.
The game to see is at the MCG between Collingwood
and Essendon after the ANZAC Day Parade. The media will provide the hyperbole
comparing the “battle” of a game with the life and death struggle that was the
landing at Gallipoli in World War II. Ignoring that and the fact that you may
not follow either team or even understand the sport, there is nothing quite
like 93,000 in full voice at the MCG. There is also nothing like the same crowd
falling into complete silence in tribute to the fallen service men and women
- Melbourne
Zoo
Melbourne Zoo boasts a large and exotic animal
collection each housed in enclosures designed to replicate the animal’s native
environment and encourage natural behaviours as much as possible.
The success of the Asian elephant breeding program
and the regularity of the births is a good indication that they are doing
something right. A highlight is watching and listening to the lions respond to
the overhead p.a. system, defending their territory against announcements about
seal performance times and lost children.
The zoo also has a large walk through exhibit of
Australian native wildlife, perfect for international guests.
$13.30/child, $30/adult
- D’Lish Fish
& Chips at the Beach
Catch the 109 tram to Port Melbourne Beach,
opposite the tram stop at the end of the line walk in to D’Lish Fish and order
your, fish, chips, salads, dim sims the walk west along the beach to watch the
sunset or east to watch the Spirit of Tasmania com into or leave dock.
Walk along the beach, to help the guilt of enjoying
your meal settle, and soak in the Australian evening before returning for a
deep fired Mars Bar for dessert. A simple indulgence that can be enjoyed all
your round.
www.dlishfish.com.au
- Federation Square
This public access venue is in the heart of the
Melbourne CBD, on the banks of the Yarra River directly opposite Flinders
Street Station. Fed Sq hosts many free cultural events, exhibitions and
festivals throughout the year, as well as showing major sporting events on the
big screen – watch the Socceroos battle it out at the 2014 world cup with
thousands of your newest and closest (at least in proximity) friends.
Numerous bars and cafes surround Fed Square and
spill down onto the riverbank. Grab a drink or a bite to eat and then waste an
hour or two people watching, or being entertained by the ever-present street
performers.
- Federation Bells
A short walk along the banks of the Yarra will take
visitors to Federation Bells in Birrarung marr. This collection of 39 upturned
bells sitting atop poles ranging from 2
-6meters high are played 8am, 12.20pm and 5pm daily.
Federation Bells host live events throughout the
year, often in conjunction with a Melbourne-based festival, where the bells are
played live. The website also allows for budding musicians to compose music to
be played on the bells.
- Last one
Comedian Jeff Green jokes that Melbourne has a café
per head of population, and he may be right and the choices of venue are as
countless as the quality prices and coffee styles. One that stands out is SheBeen,
a fully licensed venue it not only sources free trade ingredients where-ever
possible they donate the profits from each menu item back to the community from
which the ingredients were sourced.
The service is relaxed and friendly, the quality is
good, and it is wall-to-wall hipsters. Could any café be more Melbourne than
this?
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