I have an itch that needs to be scratched. Unfortunately the itch is all over my body, all of my skin. All of it. All at the same time. I have large hands, but unfortunately only two of them and therefore it is impossible for me to scratch everywhere at the same time.
Not surprisingly this creates a bit of a problem.
Initially the itch was the only symptom but very excitingly after consulting a doctor I developed a rash that also covered ALL of my body. A rash that increased the itching.
Thus began my “House” moment.
Over the course of 5 days I had 6 appointments with 8 different doctors. It was a weird out of body almost surreal moment. Laying on a hospital gurney that appears to be covered in both sandwich wrap and cling film, completely naked with my lunch box exposed to the world, the world is invited in.
It is not good for a man’s ego when naked in front of a doctor wielding a headlamp, little binoculars attached to glasses frames and a magnifying glass who is inspecting the body very closely calls for a second opinion of what it is they can see.
It is even worse when the second doctor calls for a third.
My team of medical sleuths then set about their investigations complete with a lot of scraping, swabbing, probing and testings. It turns out that there are medical laboratories that can undertake tests on the spot.
I lay there waiting for some underling to scurry back and forth between the consulting room and the lab carrying either samples of me or results of tests carried out on the bits of me.
All the while the doctors in the consulting room took their place in a subconsciously understood rotation removing samples from me, reading text books, reading articles from some medical-style google search.
Each time the surfs whose names were never uttered re-entered the room they returned negative test results. Oh the tension, everyone looking at the time, we are more than half way through my 60minute episode, how would Dr House solve this one.
To be honest by this time I was barracking for whatever microscopic parasite/fungus/bacteria was calling my skin home. Though that might be the sedatives I was given starting to take effect.
Medical hide and seek.
In the end the little critters won…the battle but not the war.
Like dropping a nuclear bomb to clear a corn field of rats, my medical sleuths-come-military-commanders hit me with everything, creams, washes, and pills. Lots of pills. Having all of these medications and their dosages explained to me whilst heavily sedated has made the subsequent days and exciting mystery of healing and side effects.
I am pleased to report that the medicinal recipe did scratch my itch. All over.