Tuesday, December 23, 2014

It's Not Christmas If...

You are eating tofurkey. which is coagulated soy milk. Soy milk is of course not milk at all it is juice. Bean juice. Nothing says Christmas as much as a slice of coagulated bean juice. If, for whatever reason, you are vegetarian or vegan then part of the deal is no turkey. Roast vegetables, salads pastas, there are endless options now days but tofurkey should not be one of them. Same goes if you are considering serving facon for breakfast on Boxing Day.

You are leaving out the fruit, from your plum pudding. Without the fruit (read plum – the clue is in its name) it is just a pretty plain pudding.  In the same way a hotcross bun without fruit is just a bread roll.  If you don’t like Christmas pudding then don’t have any, enjoy the icecream, shortbread or any of the other array of desserts on offer. If you do exercise your right not to eat any pudding then you also lose your right to find a coin in your dessert. The coins go in the pudding. No pudding = no coins. You do not have the joy of breaking your teeth or burning your tongue on a coin of insignificant financial value.

No-one cries whether it be a child bawling because the new-fangled, movie inspired, wifi enabled toy they received is blue and not green which is their new favourite colour that they had not told anyone about. Or the teenage girl because she has had her mobile phone and tablet removed for the duration of gifts and the family meal meaning she can’t Instagram images of every “lame” gift and mouthful of food she eats whilst maintaining permanent contact with her current boyfriend which is “serious this time” on the basis that the relationship has lasted more than 3 weeks.

No one fights. Either the re-engagement of combatants in a long standing feud after the Christmas lunch truce, or from a new argument resulting from excessive alcohol consumption, inappropriate comments or actions throughout the day, Christmas must have a fight. There needs to be doors slammed, people storming out of the house or people sitting in fuming silence. It is a Christmas miracle or all three are achieved

The presents, once unwrapped, aren’t sorted into three piles; keep, return, re-gift. Whilst on the topic of gifts Christmas is not complete without a battery operated device gifted without the batteries and at least one present broken beyond repair before the end of the day.

There is not a game of backyard cricket (maybe specific to Australia). The youngest player should always get 2 outs when batting and the rules for six-and-out and automatic-wicketkeeper. The game of backyard cricket also gives another opportunity to get someone to cry or start the fight.

There is not an afternoon nap. Regardless of the location; at the dining table, on the couch, in the car on the road between family gatherings (not the driver) or on the back veranda, people of all ages need to doze off for at least 45 minutes.

You have not watched a version of Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol. It does not matter if it is the classic or “The Muppets” or Scrooge it must be watched. Other cheesy Christmas movies can be substituted, Miracle of 34th Street, Home Alone, Elf etc but are not quite the same.

At the end of the day everyone does not crawl into bed feeling both utterly exhausted and underwhelmed by the whole experience wondering what on earth the fuss was about.

You are not eating leftovers well into the new year, particularly ham, turkey and desserts. It becomes an annual challenge to use the leftovers in as many different was as possible. Risotto, pasta, sandwiches, pies, stews, omelettes and casseroles, some following recipes others just made up based on all the other random ingredients found in the fridge and the back of cupboards. Every meal completed with a slice of Christmas cake. At the time of purchase the bigger cake size was selected with a nagging fear that it was still not going to be big enough to feed everyone. 10 days after Christmas you are left wondering if it will ever end. If you did serve tofurkey and discovered you have lots of leftovers…that’s because you served tofurkey for Christmas.

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