The Real Signs of Ageing

Loreal tells us there are five signs of ageing, Oil of Olay reckon there are seven. The Boffins at the Ponds Institute will not commit to how many signs of ageing there are but the do however promise to reverse them in just seven days.

The cosmetic industry are clearly not trying hard enough, I can think of 40 and many of them can be remedies immediately.

1. You no longer buy Worthers originals for yourself instead they are just for the grandkiddies.
2. You have grandkiddies
3. You use the word “kiddies”.
4. You own a snuggie, double points if you use it at home when you have company or if you have ever used it outside of your own home.
5. Your idea of a perfect evening is a good cup tea, curled up in your snuggie and sucking on a Worthers original.
6. You wear your pants high enough to cover the brand name on the elastic of your underwear. Start looking for a retirement home if the waist band of your pants is closer to your nipples than it is to your pelvis.
7. Your underwear does not have the brand name on its elastic.
8. You remember when a handshake for Michael J Fox meant he was greeting someone.
9. Television shows were created using actors and professional entertainers and the record charts were made up of artists that had spent years honing their craft on stages in clubs and pubs, building an audience following, waiting to be discovered.
10. The edgy hard rock music you listened to in your youth is now being played on easy listening radio stations and in department store elevators.
11. You get excited about buy whitegoods.
12. You can finally buy the sports car, the poster of which hung on your teenage-self’s bedroom draped with a bikini-clad model. You are disappointed that the purchase of the car does not attract that attention of said model.
13. Hats are for protection not fashion.
14. The brim of a hat faced forward.
15. You ever start a sentence with a phrase like “I remember when…” or When I was their age…”
16. Travel is really about the journey and not the destination, you are choosing holidays based on scenery.
17. You ever owned a jumper in the style of Bill Cosby from the Cosby Show era Daryl Somers during his Hey Hey It’s Saturday period.
18. You remember Hey Hey It’s Saturday when it was entertaining
19. You can remember when people were surprised to discover that the members of The Village People are gay.
20. You remember when gay meant happy.
21. You used to be able to walk your dog and eave its dropping where they lay to slowly turn white.
22. An Atari game consol is not retro, it is a childhood keepsake
23. You have only used the AM dial when organising the preset buttons on you car radio.
24. You think “LOL” means lots of love.
25. The records you still own are cool again
26. Lighting is equally important as food quality when choosing a restaurant – so you can read the menu
27. When you bought your iPod it was an upgrade from your discman. You are a winner in the aged stakes if the discman was an upgrade from a walkman.
28. You use the word “the” as a prefix when talking about computer applications. Eg the Facebook
29. You have paid off your HECS debt.
30. You have a university degree but do not know what a HECS debt is.
31. You have understood and agreed with each of the statements thus far in this blog.
32. You read blogs.
33. You need to use ointment regularly for aches and pains that seeming create themselves just from sitting or laying down in a slightly different position.
34. You use the word ointment.
35. You use coasters, and demand that all of your visitors do the same.
36. Your friends are dying of natural causes, and although deeply saddened no-one seems particularly shocked, instead they use consoling phrases like well “he had a good innings”
37. You prefer your steak cooked medium, not because of the flavour but because it is easier to chew
38. You rode a bike to school are were allowed to go to the playground buy yourself after school and on weekends
39. The set of Ansett Airline teaspoons in your cutlery drawer are not items that you bought from a second hand/antiques dealer but are in fact souvenirs you collected yourself when flying within Australia
40. You turn off water and power to save money not the environment

Turn Left

I am part of a minority and have subsequently suffered years of prejudice and discrimination. It was institutionalised. From the moment I started school, when all of my teachers did not provide access to appropriate equipment and utensils, items that were afforded to my class mates.

I am left-handed

I  luckier than my left-handed forebears who had their left-handedness systematically beaten out of them. Literally. My parents generation and the generations before them hand their hands smacked by their educators if they dared use their left appendage, forcing them to become un-naturally right-handed. They apparently went on to become doctors.

Left-handedness is correctly known as “’sinistrality” derived from the Latin word for left but of course now meaning evil or unlucky. My Year 11 biology teacher also described it as a a deformity as it was not the majority.

The English language has embraced the synonymity of left and evil or unlucky.

Left overs are described negatively, just remember the shame of asking for a doggy bag when you can not finish the restaurant meal. Of course this is ignoring the wonder that is left over lasagne and casseroles where the flavours have completed their blending or the culinary delicacy that is cold pizza, pulled out of the fridge for breakfast after a big night the night before.

Most famously concert goers were told Elvis had left the building. Meaning all of the excitement and entertainment is now over. There is am implied disappointment for anyone remaining in the building hoping to catch one more glimpse of the King. Paraphrasing Rolf Harris’ Court of King Caractacus “you’re too late, because he’s just passed by”

Have you ever been left in the lurch, abandoned or in a position where there is no help or escape? It is not fun. It is also ironic as these situation usually do have a solution, it just requires logical thinking logic and reasoning – understood to be functions of the left side of the brain.

If you support the disadvantaged, equality and social change you will be derogatorily referred to as being a lefty. Because wanting change that leads to the betterment of the lives of people around you is to be belittled and ridiculed.

Mind you, there is something to be said for wanting structure, to maintain order in a free and competitive society.

When people, particularly those supposedly working together are found to not only not be working together but apparently working against each other it is said that the left hand does not know what the right hand is doing. Implying that the left hand is disorganised and unintelligent.

In a similar vein out of left field is often used to describe events or ideas that were surprising or unexpected – translation unwanted and weird.

People who live with the affliction of being left handed may be teased throughout life as being “cacky handed”, implying they are clumsy, awkward and inappropriate. Cack comes from the Latin cacåre meaning defecate. Which leads to perhaps the greatest insult for my left handed brethren. The reason the world shakes hand with the right hand is that the left hand was historically used to wipe the bottom after ablutions, well before the invention of toilet paper.

Gay marriage rights, indigenous land rights, free speech rights, all trivialities what we should be protesting for is lefts rights.

The Trouble of Gifts

Never look a gift horse in the mouth. Taken literally, I can honestly say that I have never been given a horse as a gift so I have never had to face this temptation. Metaphorically I have looked at the gift giver with a fake smile of appreciation. Haven’t we all.

The worst gift givers in my life are undoubtedly my parents. In my teens I started searching for the gifts prior to the day they were to be gifted to me. Thankfully my mother is as good at hiding gifts as she is at giving them. One year I found my Easter eggs carefully hidden in the fridge just behind the milk!

I continued searching for my gifts well into my adulthood just so I could express my shock and disappointment in private and then have enough time to perfect my look of joy and practice my spontaneous words of joy and thanks.

My family often ask “what do you want…?”, a clear indication that they have no idea what to buy. In fact it is an admission that they do not know me. Different if the question is prefaced by the questioners knowledge of a specific set of circumstances that may influence their gift giving. Eg “Is there anything you need for your newly renovated lounge room?” or “You are travelling soon, is there anything in particular for that trip?”

The Body Shop and Dusk (candles) have made their owners very rich indeed trading on the ignorance of gift givers. If all else fails give someone soap, body lotion or a fragrant candle. Ignore the subtle message that is being bought along with the gift - the receiver of this gift smells. The only thing lower than soap is a gift voucher. This just indicates that you could not even be bothered trying to decide on a gift. It simply demonstrates that you completely gave up trying.

Generally I do not like shopping for gifts, there is so much pressure. The gift reflects the relationship, it tells the truth. Wether it be that you know the person dearly, that you understand their needs and wants or that you are really out of touch or careless.

Earphones should not be a great gift. But it turns out they can be. I listen to the MP3 player of my choice a lot. At the gym, on the train and walking through shopping precincts to help me escape from world around me or in the middle of the night to help escape from my sleeplessness. Sound blocking headphones are therefore the perfect gift. I have quite a liking of new clothes, particularly shirts and jackets, any addition to by wardrobe –busting collection is always welcome.

The perfect does not have to be expensive, it just has to be the right gift for the person. During my childhood gifts were always rated on the “ooh and ah scale”. The more my mum ooh-ed and ah-ed about a gift the better it was. My sister and I have always preferred gifts that rate high on the buyers ooh and ah scale rather than that of the receiver.

The more a gift jumps off the shelf demanding to be bought for the receiver. Going shopping with an open mind and no list only adds to the pressure. The best gifts I have bought are ones that leave you know option but to buy them. Like purchasing a new pet, the right will choose you.

The Swap Over is the best. When a gift has been selected and the purchaser is making their way to the cash register and they are stopped in their tracks as the “good gift” is out bidded by the perfect gift that miraculously catches the gift giver’s eye just moments before the cashier calls “next”. Despite the pain of having to re-enter the ridiculously long line, the gift giver will, without hesitation leave the already navigated line to complete a swap over.

Cliché gifts are rarely wanted or needed by the receiver. Pewter beer pitchers for a 21^st are not the perfect gift unless of course they recipient is a regular participant in medieval re-enactments. A gold watch for a retirement gift is at best redundant. The whole point of retirement is that the retiree no longer needs to live heir life by the clock. As it turns out, buying a retiree incontinence pads will not be appreciated by the receiver.

Collections also have their own risks. Before adding to someone else’s a collection ask yourself two questions.

1. Have you bought every piece in the persons collection? If yes, do not buy any more.
2. Is the last item in the persons collection not bought by you more than five ears old? If yes, do not buy any more.

And finally, as buyer of gifts for other people keep in mind it is of no consequence if you like the gift, only if the receiver does. Never buy a gift if you catch yourself thinking “I could really use this.” Unless of course it is a gift for my grandmother, now 96 years old she has been putting little stickers on every non-perishable gift since she turned 70. The sticker has the name of the person who gave the gift. This an official part of her last will and testament. Everyone receives back every item they have given her.

I am really looking forward to the fine china tea set hand-painted with images of a blue wren – it will go perfectly with my home gym.