Oh God!

I know, God is omnipotent but I do have a few suggestions, improvements if you will that God may like to consider for 2012. All I can do is ask.

1. Detachable arms. Like a child’s doll I want limbs that can just pop out of the socket without causing any damage and be left on the floor or in a cupboard for a while. Why? Because when cuddling or spooning there is always one too many arms. There is always an awkward elbow in someone’s ribs and a desperate but failed attempt at contortionism to get it out of the way.

2. More silly hats for religious leaders and followers. I have never understood why so many religions include headwear as an indication of piousness and religious fervour amongst its followers. Perhaps it is a sign of suffering, intended or otherwise. Religion already has so many things that can be ridiculed why fuel the satirical fire with costumes. The higher up the religious totem one is the bigger and sillier the hat appears to be. I say they are not silly enough. I say all truly devout believers should wear nothing less ridiculous than the headwear donned by Princess Beatrice at Will and Kate’s wedding.

3. End religious wars. If there are different gods, would the most powerful one please prove it and claim victory. If, in fact, everyone is unwittingly worshipping the same god then perhaps revealing oneself like pulling back the curtain in Wizard of Oz to reveal the true wizard, it would save us all a lot of bother.

4. Natural disasters. God we appreciate this a speciality of yours. The great flood with Noah and his ark was particularly impressive. We are in awe with the reminders of your awesome power, volcanoes, floods, fires, earthquakes. Well done. Just one thing, would you mind spreading them out geographically. Perhaps you have lost your map but there are many other places to smite besides Christchurch. Don’t get me wrong there is nothing better than poking fun at New Zealand but perhaps give them a bit of a rest. They do not appreciate a good practical joke as much as you would expect with all the practice they have had. Just look at the underarm bowling incident. They are still going on about it.

5. Jennifer Aniston, can you please find someone to love her and have a child with her just so we can stop hearing about every single date, every thought of romance and every ticking of her biological clock every day, every day, every day. While you in the neighbourhood can you help her out with her acting skills. She keeps insisting she has some and as a result keeps appearing in movies. If she is going to persist she may as well be able to do it properly. In a similar vein can you please visit the Hilton sisters and the entire Kardashian family and give them some sort of skill or talent so they can contribute something to society worthy of all the media attention they receive. Something. Anything.

6. Television program, I am not sure if this falls into your field of expertise but can you have a word to the programmers for the commercial networks and tell them to get their schedules organised. Stop moving programs around to different times and days – they will never get any ratings if no-one knows when they are on. Stop cutting away from sporting fixtures 5 minutes from the end to go to news only to discover that the news is the cast of Twighlight arrived in Australia to be welcomed by a throng of squealing school girls. Edit your recorded shows and manage your live shows so that they fit their allocated time slot. And finally stop splitting popular shows in half so you can sandwich an unpopular show in the middle in an obvious attempt to boost ratings.

7. Pepper grinders, all I want to do is be allowed to grind my own pepper when eating out. I am allowed to add my own salt, chilli flakes, parmesan (occasionally) chutneys and sauces. Why do I need to have a qualification in hospitality to grind pepper? Why? Is it an OHS issue for fear of me trapping my finger in the mechanical jaws of the actual grinding mechanism? Is it the special training regime I would be required to follow in order to have the strength to lift up of those massive grinders? Why do pepper grinders need to be the size of a pillar from a Roman colosseum. Please let me grind my own pepper. I promise I will do it properly.

God, I hear you like the number seven, so I will stop there. Besides if I get number one I do not want to overuse my detachable arms for fear that they fall off accidently. Oh, a new reason why I will not be allowed to grind my own pepper.

Film Reviews

Iron Lady

A beautiful and affectionate look at arguably one of the world’s toughest women. Now in her dotterage this Phyylia Llyod film tells the story of Margaret Thatchers life, her family life, political ambition, career, historic legacies and late life illnesses.

Told from Thatchers perspective through a series of flashbacks brought on by the strongly hinted at but never named onset of dementia, this depiction gives the Iron Lady, much like Wizard of Oz Tin Man, a heart. It shows the personal determination and emotional struggle of Brittain’s only female Prime Minister during her 11 years leading the country though its most difficult post war period.

People around the world will politically disagree with the historic facts and events which shape this story. But the historic events are not the story, they are merely the vehicle for provide a glimpse at the humanity of the person, the woman, at the centre of it all.

Hollywood superstars run the risk of not being able to transcend the role. Think Brad Pitt, when was the last time you saw a film in which he starred where you stopped seeing Brad Pitt and started to see the character. Meryl Streep achieve this transition from actress to former Prime Minister in the opening scene of the film and takes the audience with her until to closing credits.

Although the audience would benefit from knowledge of the historic events included in the screenplay it is not necessary to be scholar of history to enjoy this film.

Melancholia

Spoiler alert, the opening sequence of stunning imagery and equally brilliant orchestration whilst seemingly meaningless at the time do actually tell the entire story. The images will seep back into consciousness randomly throughout the movie leaving the viewer with an-unnerving sense of déjà vu.

If the title is not already a give away, this is not the normal feel good tripe released by Hollywood in time for the Christmas season. In fact is it is a deeply troubling story of depression, family and paranoia with a hint of science fiction.

As someone who would normally run a mile to avoid a movie starring Kirsten Dunst, I was pleasantly surprised by the depth of her performance in this award wining film, written and directed by Lars von Trier.

Whilst the overall plat and performances are compelling there are some big wholes in the story telling requiring the viewer to fill in sometime complex gaps. Told in two distinct parts (Titled “Part One: Justine” and “Part Two: Claire”) Melancholia tells the story of two sisters and their battle for mental and physical survival in the context of a dysfunctional extended family. The two parts of the movie, although containing the same characters are almost two distinct stories. Told in chronological order the former informs the latter with very few cross overs, referencing or call backs.

Definitely allow time for a coffee and a chat at the conclusion of this emotionally compelling piece of cinema.

The Inbetweeners

A great, multi award winning British sitcom. Cringe-worthy at its worst disarmingly honest at its best. The sharp and poignant storylines, dialogue and acting have made this series a modern day cult classic. Unfortunately it has not faired well in moving from a 30 minutes-per-week to a 97minute feature film.

Like Melancholia, the whole story is foretold before the title screen, unlike Melancholia there are no twists, turns, symbolism or ambiguous imagery. Disappointingly The Inbetweeners set up the entire highly-predictable story within the first 3 minutes with no hint of twists, turns or symbolism for the remaining 94minutes. The only surprises (and the only laughs) were just how disgusting some of the visual jokes and displays of genitalia were.

A half hour of clever lines and teenage angst stretched to over 1½ hours just makes for a long and uncomfortable afternoon in a cinema. This film relies way to heavily on the dedication of its television audience and the reputation of the series.

The only thing I was in between was deciding to walk out of the theatre or just turning to the person sitting next to me and recapping ever aspect of the carbon tax debate that occurred between Australia’s political parties throughout 2011 – it would have been a lot more entertaining that anything happening on screen.

If you have not seen this movie as yet, wait for it to come out on DVD and then see if it comes in a free start up package when you upgrade your television or home entertainment system.

The story line…and there is no spoiler alert necessary as it is in no way original…four awkward misfitting teenagers go on holiday looking for sex and find love in the most unexpected places.

Film Reviews

Iron Lady

A beautiful and affectionate look at arguably one of the world’s toughest women. Now in her dotterage this Phyylia Llyod film tells the story of Margaret Thatchers life, her family life, political ambition, career, historic legacies and late life illnesses.

Told from Thatchers perspective through a series of flashbacks brought on by the strongly hinted at but never named onset of dementia, this depiction gives the Iron Lady, much like Wizard of Oz Tin Man, a heart. It shows the personal determination and emotional struggle of Brittain’s only female Prime Minister during her 11 years leading the country though its most difficult post war period.

People around the world will politically disagree with the historic facts and events which shape this story. But the historic events are not the story, they are merely the vehicle for provide a glimpse at the humanity of the person, the woman, at the centre of it all.

Hollywood superstars run the risk of not being able to transcend the role. Think Brad Pitt, when was the last time you saw a film in which he starred where you stopped seeing Brad Pitt and started to see the character. Meryl Streep achieve this transition from actress to former Prime Minister in the opening scene of the film and takes the audience with her until to closing credits.

Although the audience would benefit from knowledge of the historic events included in the screenplay it is not necessary to be scholar of history to enjoy this film.

Melancholia

Spoiler alert, the opening sequence of stunning imagery and equally brilliant orchestration whilst seemingly meaningless at the time do actually tell the entire story. The images will seep back into consciousness randomly throughout the movie leaving the viewer with an-unnerving sense of déjà vu.

If the title is not already a give away, this is not the normal feel good tripe released by Hollywood in time for the Christmas season. In fact is it is a deeply troubling story of depression, family and paranoia with a hint of science fiction.

As someone who would normally run a mile to avoid a movie starring Kirsten Dunst, I was pleasantly surprised by the depth of her performance in this award wining film, written and directed by Lars von Trier.

Whilst the overall plat and performances are compelling there are some big wholes in the story telling requiring the viewer to fill in sometime complex gaps. Told in two distinct parts (Titled “Part One: Justine” and “Part Two: Claire”) Melancholia tells the story of two sisters and their battle for mental and physical survival in the context of a dysfunctional extended family. The two parts of the movie, although containing the same characters are almost two distinct stories. Told in chronological order the former informs the latter with very few cross overs, referencing or call backs.

Definitely allow time for a coffee and a chat at the conclusion of this emotionally compelling piece of cinema.

A great, multi award winning British sitcom. Cringe-worthy at its worst disarmingly honest at its best. The sharp and poignant storylines, dialogue and acting have made this series a modern day cult classic. Unfortunately it has not faired well in moving from a 30 minutes-per-week to a 97minute feature film.

Like Melancholia, the whole story is foretold before the title screen, unlike Melancholia there are no twists, turns, symbolism or ambiguous imagery. Disappointingly The Inbetweeners set up the entire highly-predictable story within the first 3 minutes with no hint of twists, turns or symbolism for the remaining 94minutes. The only surprises (and the only laughs) were just how disgusting some of the visual jokes and displays of genitalia were.

A half hour of clever lines and teenage angst stretched to over 1½ hours just makes for a long and uncomfortable afternoon in a cinema. This film relies way to heavily on the dedication of its television audience and the reputation of the series.

The only thing I was in between was deciding to walk out of the theatre or just turning to the person sitting next to me and recapping ever aspect of the carbon tax debate that occurred between Australia’s political parties throughout 2011 – it would have been a lot more entertaining that anything happening on screen.

If you have not seen this movie as yet, wait for it to come out on DVD and then see if it comes in a free start up package when you upgrade your television or home entertainment system.

The story line…and there is no spoiler alert necessary as it is in no way original…four awkward misfitting teenagers go on holiday looking for sex and find love in the most unexpected places.

Gifts That Keep On Giving

As Christmas Day fast approaches it is timely to reflect on the ghosts of Christmas presents past. Every since the Wisemen from the East brought the infant Jesus gold, a bunch of incense stick and some embalming fluid people have been giving each other bad gifts to show their level of affection.

12 Days of Christmas further confirmed the tradition by suggesting that 8 maids a milking and a diverse aviary of birds, laying, swimming, sitting and calling are amongst other things the perfect way to demonstrate ones love.

In my family we have maintained this tradition. As children we gave money – a 5c piece to each sibling and 10c for the parents. This was followed up a year later with pinecones decorated with glitter and then wrapped. The glitter of course came off with the paper when unwrapped resulting in the gift being an old pinecone with lumps of glue dotted across it.

No discussion about bad gifts would be complete with out ties, bags of peanuts, ill-fitting clothes and any gift given or received through a workplace Secret Santa.

As an exception and thus proving the rule my family had a three year period of giving great gifts. I personally received a learn to fly helicopter session, a ticket for the Seinfeld tour in New York and other adventure experiences. These days however passed. I have already received my gift this year. A watch. A cheap watch, bought from a newsagency. A cheap imitation of a good watch. I want to be careful not to sound ungrateful. The problem I have is that the watch came with an amount of money folded up in the watchband. Why did they not use they money to buy a good watch instead. They could have bought the original watch of the same design instead of the knock off. Talk about geese a-laying.

I am not immune to bad gift selection. I once gave my sister a dressing gown. A men’s dressing gown. This was not the problem because she had in fact specifically requested a men’s dressing gown. I chose a plain brown dressing gown on the basis that it was the ugliest one I could find. This too, was not the problem. The problem came Christmas morning, upon my sister’s opening of the gift I announced to the entire family my reasons for choosing the particular garment.

I have also fallen for the trap of buying gift-packs of body lotions, soaps and bath gels. Essentially a gift that tells the recipient that you think that, at worst they smell or at best have bad skin.

My family tradition states that gifts be open in ascending order of how exciting they would be. This typically meant gifts from mum first. Mum for fear of showing favouritism would often buy almost identical gifts for everyone. This usually resulted in one person being happy with their gift with the rest of the family being nothing but confused. Gifts from Dad were next.

Dad have a reputation for unusual and interesting gifts. As he has aged his gifts are now described best by Kath & Kim when they said “its noice, different, unusual”. Gifts from my sister were always last, highest on the pecking order. Her gift giving ability has proven to be inversely proportional to her maternal instincts.

May this year’s Christmas bring you all a little drummer boy who insists on practicing his paradiddles while you or your baby tries to sleep.