Calisthenics...really?

Image: Herald Sun

Calisthenics, why? I understand that it is great for building up confidence, physical agility, flexibility and strength and creating a strong sense of cooperation within a team but really...

I have a number of issues with the sport. Firstly, enough with the sequins already. Surely a leotard based costume is enough, does a 10 year old girl need to dance around wearing her own body weight in shiny plastic confetti. Spare a thought for the parents (often the mum’s) who have to sew all of the bloody things on – as volunteers they can not even claim Workcover for the loss of eyesight or the development of RSI as they work feverishly day and night to attach thousands of them. It is bad enough that parents need to be enrolling their children into the schools of their choice 5 minutes after conception, but if they have a girl they need to start planning how they can either direct her into other sports or start sewing!

Whilst we are on the subject of the costumes is there a prize for the child who manages to have her hair pulled back the tightest. All nations now criticise the ancient Chinese practice of foot binding as being cruel. A calisthenics girl, if she stays in the sport long enough may have her face permanently altered. As overly zealous parents pull the hair so tight that it gradually drags the eyes around to the side of their head. On the upside she may never need a facelift.

A calisthenics girl’s smile is always a little creepy to – a mix of grin and grimace. What choice do they have, the skin on their cheek being dragged behind their ears? The smile, in reality, is just how close they can get to closing their mouths.

Make up and exercise do not mix, it blocks the pores and prevent sweating, so why do we insist on not just applying makeup but using an entire lipstick on every child? It is not just lipstick. There is eye-shadow, fake tan, rouge, mascara, glitter gel, and foundation. The girls end up looking like the laughing clowns at in a sideshow parlour game.

It is a sport for girls, this is not a derogatory comment, It is a fact. Boys are only allowed to compete until the age of eight. It is mainly the domain of school aged children so why do the organising bodies arrange their competitions during the school day It is a sport that seems to disappear after girls graduate from school. It may be simply that without the stress of studies they finally come to their senses. People aged in their late teens/early twenties are considered seniors.

Every other school age sport uses weekends and after school time, but no not calisthenics.

Surely it embarrassing enough that girls who are not graceful enough for ballet or strong enough for gymnastics are forced in to a hybrid on-land version of synchronised swimming. No lets force them to take time off school so the whole class is aware of it, even better just part of a day so that they arrive at school already partly made up and with their hair plastered to their head.

The world ridicules synchronised swimming but at least it made it to the Olympics. The level of interest in its water-based cousin is not in the performance of the participants but in the chance that one of them might drown during the competition. If calisthenics had the potential risk of death of participants I might be more interested. It would be difficult to be less interested than I am now.

Real Reality Television

What if reality was like reality television? There would be a voice over for every home and workplace. Instead of the smooth baritone I would prefer a sultry female to provide unnecessary commentary to activity which is plainly evident in the visual footage just witnessed by all viewers. Not only for the vocal quality, I also think a female would look much better in the Captain Obvious outfit.

Of course having been told by the voice over that something is about to happen I then want my life host to enter the screen and tell me the same information with a lot more drama that is warranted. Before I start to undertake the said activity I then want a quiet room sparsely decorated with key items (clearly baring my sponsors name and logo) that also reflect my personality or style so I can then share my initial emotional response – as told to me by my director and which does not necessarily match the emotion displayed on my face when the announcement was first made – I can have a choice of three feelings; shock, jubilation or confusion. Any more would just confuse my viewers.

After all of this pre-emptive description, I will then start the activity, only to continuously return to my quiet room to provide my own commentary on the activity just completed. I may have to purchase a second Captain Obvious costume.

I want mood music. Not to respond to my mood but to tell me what mood I should be experiencing. I want a drone to build tension. Repetitive clanking noises that progressively get louder and faster to tell me I am nearly out of time. I also want a theme tune to tell me my day is starting and when I am able to take a break.

I want ad breaks in my own life, to grab a drink or a packet of chips, go to the loo or finish the story that I was not allowed to tell during the show that is my life because it was not “real” enough.

I want people in my life that I have only just met and who the only thing I have in common with them is the fact that we are being forced to share the same space to tell me that the love me and that it is such a special experience. As long as I can return to my quiet room to declare that I do not love them in fact I hate them and want to vote them out of my life.

I want to be able to vote people out of my life. Oh to tell someone that they are not talented but in fact boring and embarrassing, or to state that whilst they have been showing great improvements over the past few weeks that I just do not think they will ever make it. That would make me feel real. I would fill my life with obscure and inane rule for no other reason to be able to exert my own authority and then to kick people out of my reality for breaking them. Only after a long

long

pause.

But how would people know it was reality, I hear you ask. People can ring in and for 55c/minute vote on my activities. Life is only reality if viewers can make it a Choose-your-own-adventure. Which could then be forward and back announced. With long

long

pauses.

Commercial media outlets would then report the activities of my reality, as shown in my own life, as though it was actually news. Like it was real reality. In reality they are merely creative a buzz for their own media outlet’s own product. It helps build the tension, the controversy and importantly the ratings.

The reality is and will always remain thus; reality is boring and depressing and difficult and scary, that is why we watch television – to escape reality. This is why so many reality shows are short lived, viewers soon realise that the people in the reality TV shows are also boring and depressing and difficult and scary.

Life has its own twists, roadblocks, judging and mystery challenges. I do not need artificially created real ones added in.

I would not mind immunity every now and then.

Happy Birthday South Sudan

Image: gachara.wordpress.com

Hello there, cute little baby. Happy birthday South Sudan!

After a an excessively long and painful gestation the world now given birth to its newest country. Like all babies is arrives with the excitement and burden of potential and promise. The world has its cameras poised at the ready to capture all of your firsts. Your first steps, first day at school, your first kiss, first drunken spew in the gutter.

All of your most proud and embarrassing moments will be captured so they can be displayed at your 21^st birthday celebrations, causing much mirth for everyone. We will laugh at the change of fashions in clothing and hairstyles, tease you about the naked bath time images .

Life will have its challenges. Many countries will want to give you advice, some will also claim to be your best friend and over time you will become discerning as to who is genuine. You will have dates you wish never happened. You heart is sure to be broken, just don’t let it break your spirit and you will bounce back.

You are sure to have a dodgy uncle, nothing you can do about. As they say you can choose your friends but you are stuck with your relatives. The best advice for family gatherings is to say a quick but polite “hello” then sit on the other side of the room, ensuring you never get caught in the room alone with said uncle.

Please excuse us, if over coming years we come across as patronising on the basis that we are older and more experienced. In most instances it reflects genuine affection. Envious of your vibrancy, innocent naivety and curiosity, we will also want to nurture you, protect you and share the wisdom gained from decades and centuries of mistakes.

We just hope to give you enough space to develop you own sense of self and purpose. Some countries will try to dominate you living their own dreams and ambitions through you having failed in their own lives. Some, like the parents of child beauty pageant entrants, will try to completely dominant you and shape you into ugly caricatures of elegance, confidence and beauty.

Some world media outlets will treat your formative years like a reality television show. They will attempt to create controversy where none exists, exploiting minimally titillating moments for quick ratings grab and manipulating footage and dialogue to create soap opera-styled relationships and story lines. This will initially grab our attention but soon where thin as we slowly realise that reality television is indeed reality. We already live our own reality and find it stunningly mundane, punctuated by occasional, short-lived highlight; a birth, a marriage, a holiday.

May we soon get bored by the media’s concocted version of your emerging reality and leave you to live a long and mundane existence, with occasional highlight.

I bought you a birthday present – a pair of booties, matching jumpsuit and a few bath toys.

Aussie Aussie Aussie

Legislation was tabled in Parliament today to have plain packaging for cigarettes. Critics of this plan complain that Australia should not be doing this as it has not been proven anywhere else.

A similar argument is being used by the opponents to the carbon tax, which is no longer a tax it is a payment or levy or surcharge, it really is hard to follow sometimes. Australia should not be doing it because no other country is.

If I can use a phrase from one of our longest serving, and in his mind the best PMs, John Howard, this argument is un-Australian. One of our shortest serving politicians would also say that we should send these types of people back to where they came from.

Since when has Australia shied away from being world leaders and being the best. Over the years Australian’s have proudly lead the world in so many ways.

In sport it was an Australian who invented the starting blocks now used in nearly every short distance race run anywhere in the world – it had never been done before but some thought it would make the sport better.

When Melbourne hosted the Olympic Games in 1956, it was one of the Australian organisers who, for the first time invited the athletes to march into the stadium during the opening ceremony. This parade is exciting if only for the period of time your Country is marching around the track the stunning beauty of countries wearing their traditional costume and the embarrassment of the rich countries who have employed fashion designers who invariably over-think their creations. Not everything needs to symbolic, clothes are allowed to be just functional and stylish.

In medicine it was an Australian who discovered penicillin. Recently Australians have been world leaders in the development of cranio-facial surgery, cochlea implants for the deaf and organ transplants.

In transport Australian have created sway control devises for semi trailers, radar systems, logistic management systems, low emission combustion engines, the list goes on.

In television we had Hey Hey It’s Saturday, when at its prime world leading light entertainment programming. It took risks, was funny, irreverent and original. The producers took the risk of reviving the program. It failed as the show was tired, repetitive and dull. But that is why it is called taking a risk – sometimes the risks do not pay off

The kangaroo and emu adorn the top of our national coat of arms. Not because they are cute and fluffy in fact in the wild they can be filthy and aggressive, but because they can only move forward. (that gives me an idea for a campaign slogan)

Their leg joints do not allow either of these beasts to move backwards. It represents the notion of Australia not looking backwards, but rather being progressive. Leading.

People can disagree with the details or the costing of the policies, or even the policies underpinning principles, that is what is a democracy is all about. Arguing that we should not strive to be the best to be cutting edge though is just not on.

That would be like the Australia Day Council choosing a person to be Australian of the Year because he had what is still the biggest selling album in Australian music history only to discover days before the announcement that he was not an Australian citizen. Or choosing a labourer turned comedy television/movie star on the basis he wrote and starred in Australia’s most financially successful movie only to see him immediately move to America to write and star in a series less memorable movies - which their financial success appeared to be inversely proportional to cringe-worthy dialogue and awkward acting. Then have the government spend hundred’s of thousands of dollars over many years pursuing him for tax evasion

Or choosing an Australian Cricket Captain because he is good at selling air conditioners.

Oh wait, the Australia Day Council did do those things. See we are leaders any other country would choose people who had made a significant different to the daily lives of its people or people around the world to be the citizen of the year. A trend Australia has disappointedly succumbed to in recent years.