Real Reality Television

What if reality was like reality television? There would be a voice over for every home and workplace. Instead of the smooth baritone I would prefer a sultry female to provide unnecessary commentary to activity which is plainly evident in the visual footage just witnessed by all viewers. Not only for the vocal quality, I also think a female would look much better in the Captain Obvious outfit.

Of course having been told by the voice over that something is about to happen I then want my life host to enter the screen and tell me the same information with a lot more drama that is warranted. Before I start to undertake the said activity I then want a quiet room sparsely decorated with key items (clearly baring my sponsors name and logo) that also reflect my personality or style so I can then share my initial emotional response – as told to me by my director and which does not necessarily match the emotion displayed on my face when the announcement was first made – I can have a choice of three feelings; shock, jubilation or confusion. Any more would just confuse my viewers.

After all of this pre-emptive description, I will then start the activity, only to continuously return to my quiet room to provide my own commentary on the activity just completed. I may have to purchase a second Captain Obvious costume.

I want mood music. Not to respond to my mood but to tell me what mood I should be experiencing. I want a drone to build tension. Repetitive clanking noises that progressively get louder and faster to tell me I am nearly out of time. I also want a theme tune to tell me my day is starting and when I am able to take a break.

I want ad breaks in my own life, to grab a drink or a packet of chips, go to the loo or finish the story that I was not allowed to tell during the show that is my life because it was not “real” enough.

I want people in my life that I have only just met and who the only thing I have in common with them is the fact that we are being forced to share the same space to tell me that the love me and that it is such a special experience. As long as I can return to my quiet room to declare that I do not love them in fact I hate them and want to vote them out of my life.

I want to be able to vote people out of my life. Oh to tell someone that they are not talented but in fact boring and embarrassing, or to state that whilst they have been showing great improvements over the past few weeks that I just do not think they will ever make it. That would make me feel real. I would fill my life with obscure and inane rule for no other reason to be able to exert my own authority and then to kick people out of my reality for breaking them. Only after a long

long

pause.

But how would people know it was reality, I hear you ask. People can ring in and for 55c/minute vote on my activities. Life is only reality if viewers can make it a Choose-your-own-adventure. Which could then be forward and back announced. With long

long

pauses.

Commercial media outlets would then report the activities of my reality, as shown in my own life, as though it was actually news. Like it was real reality. In reality they are merely creative a buzz for their own media outlet’s own product. It helps build the tension, the controversy and importantly the ratings.

The reality is and will always remain thus; reality is boring and depressing and difficult and scary, that is why we watch television – to escape reality. This is why so many reality shows are short lived, viewers soon realise that the people in the reality TV shows are also boring and depressing and difficult and scary.

Life has its own twists, roadblocks, judging and mystery challenges. I do not need artificially created real ones added in.

I would not mind immunity every now and then.