Amen Brother

A number of religious groups actively recruit new members by either door knocking or approaching people in the street. Recently I observed a worrying practice of representatives of the Church of Latter Day Saints.

I do not want to besmirch the reputation of all of this church’s representatives but instead am concerned that I was a witness to the beginning of a new trend.

Two young men were prowling the footpath outside the State Library on Swanston Street in Melbourne. They were approaching unsuspecting shoppers, but only those of Asian appearance. This is my concern.

The Mormons believe that there is only room in Heaven for a specific number of people, are they working on the stereotypical understanding that Asian people are a shorter race and therefore might be able to squeeze in a few extras? This is the ultimate in racial profiling.

There is however the possibility that different races sin differently. Do people of Asian descent sin more than the rest of the world and therefore require more intense theological intervention. This would also explain why the white-shirt-wearing-street-evangelists pursue their prey with such vigour. Ignoring the wave-away and the refusal to make eye contact the preachers bustle to keep up with the ever-quickening pace of the lost souls.

The opposite is also possible, that Australia’s Asian neighbours sin less. Are they closer to purity to start with to make the hunt and the conversion easier? I wonder if my Sunday School teacher was wrong after all and there is a different between a little white lie and all of the other lies. There could be a rating scale, the 7 deadly sins are at the top of the list, after all they are deadly. Next would be the 10 commandments, followed by anything Oprah says then the moralistic opinions of Mel, Kochie and their guests on Sunrise, and finally the rest.

Are Caucasians beyond help? Are the sins of “pale face” so horrific that the race is beyond help? I am sure some populations around the world would say “Yes”. Australia’s indigenous population would argue that their collective lives have had some significant negative impacts caused by those who burn easily under the Australian summer sun. I am sure African Americans, African, Inuits and Incas would also contribute to the discussion regarding the sins of Caucasians and the affect it has had on their present and ancestral lives.

I do not this was the case, however because the two young men I observed could not have been more white if they were albinos dressed in baggy clothes, a sideways baseball cap and the equivalent of their body weight in bling and referred to everyone as “homies”.

If Caucasians are so sinful then it stands to reason that any street based harassment from religious zealots should target them first, fast and often. I suggest that the Mormons and Jehovah Witnesses (and any other religious group who chooses to promote their messages on my doorstep or on the streets while I quietly go about my shopping) but members tickets to their favourite football team. Within the Caucasian races in Australia the subgroup who we are told sin more frequently and severely are those that choose to play or socialise with those that chose to play football. Pick a football code, any code.

The only other reason I can think that the evangelists would target Australia’s Asian populations is the potential language barrier. Misquoting biblical excerpts to meet denominational doctrine provision of personal empty platitudes and false empathy in amongst general gibberish is easier to pass off as genuine soul saving compassion when the audience has only a limited grasp of the language in which you spruik.

That ignores the possibility that the “unfortunate Asian” is likely to have studied the English language at school and university and therefore be significantly more proficient than their personal preacher. But what a perfect excuse for escaping the ecclesiastic clutches of the righteous verbal diarrhoea. “I no speak English”.

I do it too, in my broadest Steve Irwin-esque Australian accent. It often backfires as my obvious lie only further demonstrates my need for redemption