41 Presents Not To Give Me

Picture source:magicpack.wordpress.com

It is worth noting that these rules do not apply to school age offspring and siblings

1.     Anything where you intentionally chose the ugliest version, and then told this to the recipient

2.     Small kitchen appliances, toasters, kettle.

3.     Kitchen gadgets, just because the overly excited presenters on the infomercial said it will revolutionise meal time – it wont revolutionise my birthday

4.     Exercise equipment

5.     Any home made craft unless you are a recognised artist

6.     A replacement for something that was broken

7.     Cans of house paint

8.     Anything for the office cubicle

9.     School supplies

10. Anything you deem as “useful”

11. Gift vouchers  - unless sending from interstate or overseas – take the effort to chose something specific

12. Hand made vouchers for hugs

13. Cash  - even less impersonal that a voucher

14. Anything from the Body Shop, if I smell - just tell me. The friendship ends immediately if it is a Body Shop gift voucher

15. Chocolates or wine for me to share with you, if you really knew me you would know that these are items I do not share

16. Items to add to my collection – unless it is an actual collectable. Definitely not anything you have made (see rule 5)

17. Items to add to a collection I no longer collect

18. DVD box set of your favourite show

19. Accessories for a bigger item that I do not own and that you did not buy me

20. Underwear, unless you are that special someone…

21. Socks…never

22. Ties…ever

23. A gift for my sibling/child just so they wont feel left out on my special day

24. A gift for my pet just so they wont feel left out on my special day

25. Anything from a joke shop shaped likes genitals or breasts

26. Anything bought at 7-Eleven or a service station

27. A haircut

28. The key to my own house/apartment, this only means you are returning it and means something is ending

29. Books that you know I have already read

30. Something for my house that matches the colours in your house

31. My half of something we bought together

32. Flowers or pant cuttings from my own garden

33. A family portrait or your family

34. Cleaning appliances, utensils or equipment

35. Ingredients – unless you are cooking them into something special for me (not something special for me to share)

36. Anything you are re-gifting

37. A coffee mug with a saying/image you think is funny…it’s not

38. A calendar/desk calendar you think is funny…it’s not

39. An object that requires batteries…without the batteries

40. Batteries without an object that requires them

41. Nothing at all

Extending the Queen

source: onlinepetart.com.au

Australia chooses to celebrate the Queens birthday in June except Western Australia that celebrates it in September, albeit that her actual birthday is April 21^st. The Commonwealths way of “extending the celebrations”.

This is all well and good if you actually want to extend the celebrations. How many celebrations are truly worthy of extension? Olympic Game opening ceremonies are arguably some of the most spectacular and expensive celebrations but who amongst the millions of international television audience would want it to last longer that the current 4 hours duration?

Extending the celebrations just sounds like a convenient excuse for not being organised in time for the actual event.  “I will give you your present next week” translates to “I did not buy your present in time”, “we can have the party on the weekend” really means “we have not got everything organised to celebrate on your day”.

In Australia’s case it is really a selfish decision to have the public holiday later in the year. March and April are already full of public holidays, with ANZAC Day, Easter and Labour Day. We just want to spread the public holidays out. Sorry Ma’am but we are all a bit busy doing nothing to celebrate your birth right now, how about in a couple of months, our diaries are clear in June

By way of gifts a public holiday is an unusual one. It is a great gift for the public but what is it for the Queen? In comparison to the lives of most, every day of the queens life seems to be a day off, dressing up, fine dining touring the country or internationally.

To be sure with an estimated personal wealth of $500million and access to assets of the crown worth in excess of $15billion, Queen Elizabeth II wanting of little.  I find it difficult to buy presents for my father, retired working – lower middle class. How difficult must it be for Princes Charles, Andrew and Edward and Princess Anne to buy gifts for their mother/ Did she ever receive a hand print or pinch bowl made of clay in art class, or have to display a birthday card decorated in dry macaroni?

People can celebrate early, giving gifts ahead of time. They are organised ahead of time – sure. They too will come up with excuses, “you will be too busy celebrating on the day”, “Just a little something to get your birthday started early”. This all means it is more convenient to give the gift now, we would prefer not to have to go out of our way to make contact on your actual birthday.

The risk is that between people celebrating early and others celebrating late that no one celebrates on the actual birthday. This is no celebration.

Delayed celebrations are mainstay for the monarch. She ascended to the throne following the death of her father on 6 February 1952. The realm did not get to celebrate with her until her coronation on 2 June 1953, some 16 months later. This seems like a long probation period for job from which one cannot be fired, and the only prerequisite is birth. She has however had to face a lifetime of questions about redundancy.

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Eddie McGuire is a Giraffe



Source: abc.net.au

 Well he has at least stuck his neck out. The headline was more like McGuire, Goodes Gaffe. I point this out as an example of an actual slip of the tongue, (ok in this example it is more of a slip of the eyes).


In reading the word “giraffe” I was concerned that all African wild life was now considered racist. If so, this would give a valid reason for finally ridding our televisions of the god awfiul “compare the meerkat” insurance add.

Eddie’s excuse for suggesting that Swan’s star Adam Goodes should be involved in promoting the new stage musical King Kong, was a slip of the tongue. And this only days after supporting Goodes through a racist slur when a Collingwood supporter called the Swan’s player an ape.

A slip of the tongue. This begs the question, what was he trying to say...

• Goodes should help promote Chinese Hong Kong.
• Goodes should promote his king size schlong.
• Goodes is the king of conga-line.
• The promotion of King Kong is good. (If he likes the promotion wait until he sees the show!)

Eddie, out with it, what were you trying to say when you clearly likened one of the games superstars with a 6meter tall wild gorilla?

The AFL quite rightly have decided this is an act of racial vilification. Despite this Eddie still proclaims to not have a racist bone in his body. This may be the case, but his tongue clearly has some issues with Australia’s first people.

Eddie clearly plays by his own rules, and deduces his own logic if he can still declare himself a leader in racial tolerance less than 24 hours after being found guilty of racial vilification. The pressure is getting to him. It is clearly his time on the hot seat. His arguments are as logical as many of the Millionaire Hot Seat contestants as they sift through the multiple choice answers. Can we dip the lights and have a drone sound effect? If the fuse timeline reaches the end before he makes sense are we allowed to say goodbye to Eddie McGuire from football?

Please say yes. He could ride his giraffe off into the sunset. With his head the size of a hippopotamus’ arse it was be difficult for the giraffe, but a spectacle worthy of a David Attenborough commentary.

Angelina Jolie - Girl Interrupted



source: ahollywoodimages.blogspot.com



Angelina – we are on a first name basis – has had her waps lopped off. A courageous and private decision. And good on her for using her own personal circumstances to help promote breast awareness and cancer protection.

My question is, does she or Braddles get to keep her nipples in a jar? Imagine the amount they would raise at auction in years to come. She could build a cancer care hospital or some mammography machines for third world countries, or Ange and Brad could buy some more children from those same countries to add to their own private collection.

What if she was at risk of mouth cancer, how long would the surgery take to remove those lips? Guinness Book of World Records would want to be in attendance to adjudicate the event.

The world will now be scrutinising her chest. Even more than usual. The editors of gossip magazines and broadcasters the world over will be in conniptions. An actual story. A true one. With facts and all. Will they know how to report such an event? It will be hard when they are more suited to innuendo, speculation, rumour and made up quotes “from reputable sources close to the star”.

After the actual story we will all have to suffer through the inevitable “first public appearance after the surgery” and “first movie after surgery” frenzy. “Experts” will use this as an opportunity to stare at her chest for hours in the name of research. They will then fill our media with their opinions on the type, size, shape and realistic appearance and movement of implants (if she has any). Does can we see any scarring in particular outfits? Most importantly has she lost or gained weight since the surgery?

That is after weeks of endless diatribe about her recovery, the surgery itself, how Bard and the kids are coping, and whether or not she is suffering from post surgery depression.

And let’s not forget James Haven, Jolie’s little brother. Their relationship made famous after their 2000 Oscars snog. He must be suffering. Thankfully he now has a girlfriend who is not related to him to provide comfort and support during this time.

Perhaps now Angelina can get acting roles based on her abilities not her assets. It will make so much more versatile. Make up and costume departments could make a variety of prosthesis so that her breasts match the character. Full bosomed overweight suburban housewife, sagging senior citizen, pert teen.

The creative team behind Benjamin Button will be rueing the decision to make in 2008, with the wrong half of Brangelina. It would now be so much easier and cheaper to make it with a female lead.

Oh and think of the other attachments she could have, it could be like a go-go-gadget chest. Flashlight, bottle opener, Wi-Fi router (complete with USB port), drink cooler. Brad and James could have their own special attachments for “private time”.

Finally we can then expect the porn industry to cash in using spoof titles. Check out your favourite porn browser for "Lara Croft Boob Raider" and "The Boob Collector".

FBI Wins Marathon in Sprint

source: www.cagle.com

Congratulations to the FBI, I must admit I thought quick arrests in such complex situations only happened this quickly on television. A piece of a back pack, an old stove top cooker and a grainy photograph and the forensic scientists have all they need.


The backpack narrowed it down to students, tourists, cyclists or terrorists. How many of them could there be in Boston? A college city, on a public holiday, during a major sporting event? The evidence of a backpack did rule out hipsters as they all have shoulder “mailbag” style bags. And they never would have left the bag behind. They do not leave it anywhere, even their own home. Going to the movies, shoulder bag, dinner, shoulder bag, ride on a vintage bike with a front basket whilst wearing your grandfather’s trousers, button-down pattern-print shirt with tie and loafers – shoulder bag. They could be going to a black tie Broadway premiere and be walking the red carpet in a tuxedo they would still have their slightly worn shoulder bag firmly in place. You never know when someone is going to give you an important document that needs to be filed!

The cooker helped narrow down the search. Students often only have one pot, that also serves as a plate, cereal bowl, casserole dish and meth lab. Law enforcement agents now just had to visit all of the student accommodation to see which ‘kitchen’ no longer had a pot. (insert marijuana joke here).

The grainy photograph showed a person wearing a hoodie. One could easily be mislead to believe that this offers no assistance to investigators. If so one is forgetting the computer geek every law enforcement has lurking in a back room just waiting for their moment to shine during one scene approximately 2/3 of the way through the episode.

A click of a button here, a scroll of a mouse there then project it up onto a multifunctional, interactive screen and the photo is suddenly as clear as if the suspect had posed for one of those airbrushed, soft-focus-lens studio portraits that only girlfriends and mothers ever seem to enjoy.

To complicate this investigation, the crime took place outside in broad daylight. From all of the police dramas I have ever seen clues can only be found in the dark, with the assistance of a very small torch. When will criminals learn not to leave clues that glow in the dark?

And semen?

On television, regardless of the crime there is always semen, irrespective of the crime. Burglary, semen. Murder, semen. Assault, semen. White collar investment fraud, semen. Except rape, inexplicably there is never any semen present in cases of rape, or other sexual crimes. I am sure some criminals do get sexually aroused as a result of their actions, but struggle to believe that they are all spontaneously climaxing at the scene. Alternatively are criminals masturbating during their crimes? Burglars are demanding cash from the 7-Eleven attendant, gun in one hand, erection in the other.

The Boston police would have needed a lot of blue lights to find the semen in such a large crime scene. I pity the person that then had to sort through the samples to determine which belonged to possible suspects and not just runners pleasuring themselves as part of their own personal celebrations for completing the marathon, or exhibitionistic spectators trying to heighten their arousal by having a quickie in such a public space.

Investigating officers did get to use infrared cameras. Not that they really needed them. A guy noticed blood on his boat sitting on its trailer in his back yard. He pulled back the tarpaulin to find a young man covered in blood hiding inside. His suspicions were further heightened when he realised the stowaway was wearing a hoodie and looking for cooking equipment amongst the stored camping equipment.

The property owner calls the police. The police attend. He tells the police that the suspect is lying in the back of his boat, near the camping equipment and that no-one has left or entered the boat since I first pulled saw him in there. The police are all “that’s here-say and speculation, we need to prove it for ourselves. Besides we have these really cool goggles and cameras we want to use. So far in this investigation we have not been able to use our torches or semen lights, we have to use something.”

The case did have a shoot out with one of the suspects. All the case needs now is a car chase and a love interest and this is a ready-made Hollywood script. Producers are hoping that during the trial it is revealed that the motive for this violence was that the two brothers were both jilted lovers with the a head chef (hence the cooking pot – come one keep up) of an inner city restaurant who coincidently had won the marathon some 10 years earlier and was now financially profiting from the boost in tourism the race brings to the area.

Sssshhh...Australia Won A Sporting Competition

Source: www.perthnow.com.au

We have a winner, finally. Adam Scott has broken through the final glass ceiling of golf and won the American Masters. In his generous acceptance speech he praised and thanked Greg Norman arguably Australia’s greatest golfer who famously lost the Masters in playoffs or just making a complete dogs breakfast of crucial shots in the final round of tournaments which also makes him one of Australia’s greatest sporting “chokers”. He is right up there in his ability to snare defeat from the jaws of victory with the Collingwood Football Club, which managed to lose 8 Grand Finals in the 1970s in an era known colloquially as the Colliwobbles.




There is no question about the difficulty of the game, but why does the crowd have to be silent? I could understand the level of concentration needed if a ball of that size was being hurled at the player by the opposition like baseball. But is not. The ball is sitting still on a tee, just like t-ball and then on the ground like croquette. In each of these games the crowd can cheer in fact participants even talk to each other. And there is no opposition.



It is only tennis that seems to frown on spectators actually getting involved in the activity. But I am too busy trying to work out how the scoring system was devised to worry about tennis crowds. 15, 30, 40, the intervals are not even equal...



Basketball the crowd jump up and down behind the transparent backboard whilst the player is trying to shoot a basket. In football (soccer) there are songs, chants, fights and flares in the crowd and the game continues unheeded. Sure nothing really happens during the game and it could be argued that if the crowd was a bit quieter that the teams might be able to concentrate more and the game would become higher scoring. It could equally be argued that if the players did more on the field there would be less need for the spectators to entertain themselves by rioting.



Ice hockey the spectators are right up banging on the glass while the puck moves across the ice at up to 190kph. Cricket fielders have to concentrate on balls coming at them at similar speeds of the bat or from great heights to take a catch. They have to concentrate on the ball as it moves across the colourful moving and loud back drop of spectators. And they do time after time after time.



In darts they have to throw a weapon at a designated area on a circle of cork that is hung nearly 2.5m away. The spectators are loud, drunk and occasionally yobbish. Heck the players are sometimes seen competing with a beer in their hand.



And yet in golf...quiet please.



Ssssshhh!



Earlier I said that there was no opposition, technically that is misleading as there are other competitors in a game of golf, and the winner is ultimately the player with the overall lowest score. However the competition is really between the individual and the course, as the game’s of the other players do not directly impact on anybody else’s game. It would be a much more interesting game if there was an opposing player trying to stop the ball from entering the cup. Like a goalie. The defender would not be allowed to leave the green and would have to knock the ball back using a club either on the full or after only one bounce from the approach shot. If the ball gets through and stops on the green then the attacking player gets one shot at the hole, like a penalty shot in so many other sports.



What did Adam Scott win for his efforts? US $1.4 million, a trophy (name on the real one and a replica to keep) and a green jacket. Keeping with golfing traditions I think it more appropriate that is they are awarding garments that the winner should be given a pair of tartan knickerbockers.

That would shut everyone up!