Melbourne Cup (Media) Tips

It is Spring Racing Carnival time again, and Australian television news lifestyle editors could not be happier. There job could not be easier. Melbourne Cup coverage on evening news, the night of the “race that stops the nation”, will be the same as every other year.

The newsreaders are most likely to located trackside, and will definitely be dressed in race going finery with the distinct possibility of top hat and tails for the men and some ridiculous head piece for the women.

The broadcast will commence with commentary and footage of the winning horse crossing the finish line and then in the mounting yard wearing its ribbon whilst trainer and jockey hold up the cup, owners standing awkwardly in the background.

To complete your Melbourne Cup news bingo card select from the following “news” stories, which will appear somewhere throughout the news broadcast. Will yours be aired first?

a.     A piece about the amount of food and alcohol consumed on the day at the track. The food will be compared to either the weight or volume of bases or the volume of the MCG (in Melbourne everything of large quantities is compared to the MCG). The alcohol volume will be measured in Olympic swimming pools.

b.     Total number of people through the gate

c.     The amount racegoers and the country in general gambled away. To encourage everyone to gamble again next year there will also be mention of the total winnings and some ridiculous one off bet that paid off.

d.     Celebrities, who attended Flemington and at which marquee were they a guest. If previous years are any guide the international celebrities will be C if not D grade celebrities if they are known at all in Australia.

e.     Fashion on the field. This will have many sub sections

i.      The catwalk competition of ordinary race goers vying to win a sash.

ii.     Fascinators (which ironically are not that fascinating) and hats

iii.   Token men who actually look good.

iv.   Fashion editors will also find some woman’s outfit they deem to be inappropriate and portray it as a scandalous controversy even though no one had even noticed the outfit until they splashed it across the screens in primetime.

v.     The same fashion editors will also create a montage of people wearing something similar to demonstrate this years’ trend. Spots, stripes, pastels, bold prints, black, pink etc. Of course with so many people at the track the chances are that there was equal number s of punters wearing each of these styles.

vi.   Token men wearing bright coloured suits, this is always a group of men.

vii.  Costumes; Smurfs, Where’s Wally, Ritchie Benaud (yes he is a cricketing legend but how many costumes do people own?)  and Mario are always popular

f.      General punters, like fashion there will be many sub sections

i.      Crowd shot of people cheering without abandon towards the end of the race as they realise they are backing the winner.

ii.     Crowd shot of people realising they have not backed the winner and pretending not to care

iii.   A group on 6-10 people sitting on the ground sharing a picnic oblivious to the amount of room they are taking up or that there is a race on

iv.   A couple having a good snog

v.     Drunk people bonus points, if it is someone unconscious on the grass at the end of the day

vi.   Women carrying their uncomfortably high shoes in their hand walking barefoot or in their boyfriends shoes

vii.  Drunk 20 somethings yelling incoherently as they pass the camera

g.     The reporter

i.      Pretending he is drunk (it is always the male reporter) or at least claiming he is pretending to cover up the fact that he is actually drunk.

ii.     The same reporter being a bit leery with some of the female punters

iii.   The same reported walking slightly dishevelled from the track towards the tram stop at the end of the day

iv.   A reporter “bonding with the crowd” sitting with them, toasting nothing in particular (usually with champagne the reporter has taken from the punters)

v.     Reporter standing in the loudest most intoxicated section of the crowd to show how “fun” the “atmosphere” is. Said crowd will yell and scream on queue and someone will do something obscene in the background.

h.     Random historic fact or record. A researcher has quickly looked on Google or Wikipedia to discover that this is the first time the winner has been trained by a left-handed ginger hermaphrodite or the stableboy’s best friend is the great great grandson of the person who stitched the saddle blanket worn by the winner on the 1907 race. The more detailed the fact the less impressive it is.

i.      Public transport, because apparently it is news that the trams are a bit packed when 100,000+ people all try to get on them at the same time.

j.      Coverage of the actual race will not occur in its entirety until the sports section of the broadcast

k.     The broadcast will end with the same footage with which it started. The same footage will have been repeated at least 3 other time throughout the news.

My bet is that all of these will be included. On every channel.

Sport of Kings

It is the race that stops the nation. For 3 minutes, albeit that many people will use this as an excuse to stop work for about an hour. Organising the sweep, setting up the office TV, afternoon tea (with champagne) prior to the race and then following the race their will be the gloating by the sweep winner and the complaining by the losers. Of course the TV and afternoon tea all need to be cleaned away.

Horse racing is called the sport of kings. Probably because only those with the wealth of kings can afford to own and train winning race horses. Let’s face it kings are more likely to watch than actually participate in the sport, like the vast majority of the population.

This might go a long way to explain why we dress up in all of our finery to attend horse races – the one day we can pretend to be royalty. Looking at the state of many punters at the end of the day we are all emulating Prince Harry and Princess Margaret more than their higher ranking siblings.

The House of Winsor have of course taken their affinity with horses when Charles, Prince of Wales married Camilla. She must cause so much confusion for the royal stable hands. Saddling up the consort is more than a mere faux pas.

Much credit is given to the riders. Why? They are just little people hanging on for dear life as ¾ of a tonne of equine muscle run around in a circle. This seems so politically incorrect in our enlightened age. We are no longer allowed to throw little people in bars and pubs so why are we allowed to throw them onto a thoroughbred. This might be another throwback to the royal courts.

Their Royal Highnesses ordering their court jesters, imps and dwarfs to entertain them – and what is more amusing than watching them being thrown off the backs of royal stable of mares and stallions. This theory evidenced by the brightly coloured silks still worn by modern day jockeys. Only the hats have changed exchanging the bells for the more practical protective aspects of the helmet.

The HBO series would not be anywhere suspenseful or entertaining if they all participated in the sport of kings instead of the Game of Thrones. Not nearly enough deaths – unless they included steeplechase. Conversely I do not want to see Gai Waterhouse or Bart Cummings having sexual relations, either with each other or anyone else for that matter.

If horse racing is the sport of kings, does that make glue the adhesive of kings, perukes the wigs of kings and Purina the pet food of kings.

ANZAC Cliche

Rain on ANZAC Day is so cliché and yet Melbourne did it again. It is as predictable as an exaggerated pause by any host of any reality television show before announcing an elimination.

Albeit Melbourne did have an extraordinary amount of rain, normally a shower or two will suffice, but not 2012. 15 mm and cold winds to boot. Then again the veterans of too many wars have survived a lot worse than a bit of precipitation while walking down the street. For starters the cheering they heard in the parade was of spectators applauding their bravery and sacrifice not of blood crazed enemy combatants trying to shot their head off.

Channel 7 also could not help themselves when it came to ANZAC Day clichés. AFL. The depth and gravitas of the voice over providing an overly sentimental narrative that attempted to equate the ferocity, importance and history of the game with that of the events of 1915 in Gallipoli.

Note to Channel 7, the key words in the above sentence are “a game”. AFL football is just a game. In fact the ANZAC Day game is just one of 198 games to be played this year – and I am only counting home and away games at the elite level. Yes there are two sides all “battling” for the victory but that is where the similarity ends. When a war can have a half time break where the two sides sit down to eat slices of orange while the kids run around having a modified war, and there are almost 200 wars in a season leading to a finals war series then we can start to make comparisons. Regardless Channel 7 will continue trying to convince us that our lives will be changed by 36 men running after a piece of leather.

Like the Murdoch repeatedly stating that they were unaware of the activities of their journalistic staff, we are just not buying it.

Julia Gillard spoke at services at Gallipoli and South Korea (no this was not another Labour Government stuff up – she really meant to be there to honour soldiers who fought in the Korean War). Is there an official speech all Prime Ministers must recite at dawn services? Gillard used many ANZAC clichés.


"So this is a place hallowed by sacrifice and loss. It is, too, a place shining with honour and honour of the most vivid kind".


"We remember what the Anzacs did in war. And for what they did to shape our nation in peace. This is the legend of Anzac, and it belongs to every Australian.”


"Not just those who trace their origins to the early settlers but those like me who are migrants and who freely embrace the whole of the Australian story as their own.


"For indigenous Australians, whose own wartime valour was a profound expression of the love they felt for the ancient land.


"And for Turkish-Australians who have not one but two heroic stories to tell their children." Ms Gillard said.

As well as thanking the Turks for their treatment of the Australian dead and subsequent honouring of Anzac Cove"
This is a speech that is as predictable to Tony Abbott saying “no” or “big new tax.”
The final ANZAC cliché is drinking and two-up. Some would argue they are traditions not clichés. I agree – for ex service men and women and in the case of the coin throwing game ex service personnel who served prior to 1950. For the rest of us it is a cliché or maybe just an excuse. It is an unfortunate and cruel joke that the parade starts in the cities (near the drinking venues) and takes them out of the area to shines and memorials. With all of the debate about the length of the parade, it would make sense to turn the march around and get them to head towards the drinking holes. How quickly would the diggers move then?
Betting on two up is as cliché as 20-somethings getting completely plastered at the Melbourne Cup, then guys in fluorescent tuxedos walking home barefoot whilst their girlfriend wearing little more than a handkerchief wears his shoes home, carrying her own shoes in her hand