7.27pm and the countdown has started. All of the eligible men pristine in their dinner suits are entering the mansion to wait out the reality televisions' most extreme pregnant pause before learning who will be presented with the white rose. At the end of the ceremony AFL CEO Gillon McLachlan (AKA Osher) will announce this years football bachelor.
But first it is the red carpet.
7.32pm James Blunt has arrived and is going to try and sing a more manly song. He has obviously not seen the amount of preening and manscaping that the guys have put into getting ready for tonight, they are not exactly the poster boys of masculinity.
A difficult conundrum wth the Red Carpet, with PM Malcolm Turnball declaring disrespecting women is "Un-Australian"for the AFL to have a women assaulted at the Preliminary Final and then past football star Billy Brownless referring to a mother and daughter as strippers at a local sports night.
Yet here we are broadcasting commentary on how attractive the WAGS are. And of course who they are wearing, which just sounds a bit cannibalistic.
8.23pm Armourguard has arrived with the votes. Nice product placement.
8.24pm Highlights of round one with homoerotic images of toned men grapling each other and tearing off their tops. You are right James Blunt, very masculine.
8.25pm Round 2 hightlights lots of scarves and people blowing bags of ice from their nose (the frozen ice type).
8.34pm Round 3 apparently everyone smashed into the fences, that might explain why goal accuracy is so poor.
8.37pm To stick to the overused reality television format the broadcast is filled with a lot of talking head shots with players talking about what we have already seen.
8.42pm Bruce McAvaney is now a bookie. Giving his predictions about who will be deemed most SPECIAL.
8.43pm A lot of group dates, not many couches or hundreds of candles, and no kisses of note. This episode of The Bachelor is disappointing. And no bitchiness back in the mansion. Nat Fyfe looking resplendent with his cane. I hope there is a top hat hidden backstage so he can breakout into a vaudeville style song and dance number if he wins.
8.53pm time for some reminiscing of players and coaches retire. The AFL does like a motorcade, particularly around the edge of an oval.
8.57pm So the players are introducing the highlights of each round. Thankfully they play with a lot more passion when they play. Even Nicole reads her lines with more expression. Osher is in a rush, clearly can't wait to get to the final rose ceremony. The Channel 7 commentators continue to take the pre-show favourites on 1-on-1 dates, not much of a spark.
9.01pm The alcohol is flowing and the general noise in the room is growing. The final rounds should be good.
9.03pm Bruce is in fine form now. He is quoting stats that only he could know or care about (and possibly just made up) to try and build some sense of escitement in a night that essentially a man repeatedly reading the numbers 1,2 and 3 for a few hours. Apparently Fyfe is the first player who looks like a surfer, with an injured leg, on a day with 1mm of rain, after losing a Preliminary Final in another state to receive 17 votes by this stage in the count. In case the marathon show of footballers pontificating endlessly about a sport, McAvaney has now forward promoted another Channel 7 show "The Chosen Few".
9.09pm AFL has just remembered women also play the game and as Turnball game them some respect. 30 seconds worth. The footage montage was shorter for the entire women's season than it is for any one round of the men's competition. Respect.
9.12pm Goal of the Year Eddie Betts. Left foot banana from the boundary. Despite the skill with his feet but really struggles to put on a jacket.
9.14pm Indigenous round to recognise the contribution of indigenous players to the game. No mention of Goodes and the disrespect he received all season.
9.17 Round 10 a player and a pigeon both suffered career ending injuries.
9.19pm still no rumours of an early pregnancy as a result of the 1-on-1 dates with the Channel 7 commentators. Perhaps there is too much alcohol flowing, which in turn prevents the love flowing.
9.21pm montage and interviews about the favourite Nat Fyfe, we learn that his high school football coach is not a comedian.
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9.26pm more flashbacks and reminiscing this time former Brownlow Medalists who are retiring. Dear AFL and Channel 7 I have some ideas about how the broadcast can be tightened.
9.27pm time for a drink as we toast retiring players in a speech that is as heavily scripted and as awkward and as little charisma as every speech given by Sam Woods to any of his girls.
9.30pm Osher can still only count to 3, and he keeps giving them to FYFE who is now 4 points clear at the top of the leader board. 4, Osher has not learned that number yet so Gyge is safe for at least 2 rounds.
9.33pm Players who are ineligible should have to pack their bags and leave the mansion...giving a speech in the limo home about how they should have been chosen at that Bachelor Gillon does not know what will make him happy.
9.35pm Video montage of potential marks of the year. I have to admit the high flying marks do make Aussie Rules Footy spectacular. It is a shame that for a code of football that 1 point for trying is awarded when players kick for goal and miss, but at least get close.
9.39pm Round 13, injuries, suspensions, children abusing players and poor spelling on banners. Apparently some football was also played.
9.41pm Jim Stynes Community Leadership Award. Congratulations to all nominees for all of your hard work. So much more important and bigger than the game itself. Congratulations Dennis Armfield.
9.44pm Round 14 started with the tragedy of the death of Adelaide Crows coach Phil Walsh. A sombre mood in the room. A simple and poignant tribute. Round ends with Nat Fyfe 10 points clear. Osher will have to take off his shoes and socks to keep counting.
The Brownlow Medal Count is taking as long as the actual season, according to the TV guide we are only half way through. Buckle in.
9.55pm Mick Malloy proving that the Brownlow Medal room enjoys comedy as much as the TV Week Logies. We finally get some kissing, albeit with no passion. Everyone kisses their partner with less romance than one would kiss their grandmother. Happy to see some mullets back on my TV screen again!
9.59pm Bruce McAvaney is desperate, as is channel 7 to keep the viewers interest to the end of the broadcast with Fyfe so far in front. He makes up some more stats and claims that the players that are more than 3 rounds behind are about to make a comeback. How does he know, I thought the votes were delivered all secure by Armourguard.
10.02pm Another interview with Fyfe, if he does win he wont have much left to say.
10.03pm it is cliche o'clock as we watch the montage of another favourite. Apparently a footballer who has already won a Brownlow Medal will always be a Brownlow Medalist. Insightful. Again sticking with the Bachelor format by stating the obvious.
10.08pm We are still only up to round 16! An umpire got flattened. The memory of a fallen coach uplifted. Nat Fyfe is still 10 points clear at the top. Osher sounded disappointed that he did not get to say Nat's name. I think we know who he wants to give the white rose to.
10.11pm Tayla Harris and Luke Darcy have as much chemistry as Sam and Nina on the second last episode of the Bachelor. Nic Naitanui wins mark of the year.
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10.20pm Finally the AFL reclaims the notion of respect in support of Adam Goodes, having allowed him to be abused for weeks. Aboriginal players all perform traditional dances to celebrate goals. Proud of their heritage and rightly so. Besides it is just plain entertaining.
10.22pm Having finally celebrated indigenous dancing the previous round the AFL allowed Western Bulldogs mascots to dance. A lot less entertaining. Perhaps if the dances and been rehearsed and performed for thousands of years the bulldogs will be up to scratch.
10.25pm Bruce McAvaney is sprouting more incomprehensible Brownlow statistics or he was discussing the ups and downs of the stock market, or air pressure in hectopascals. Who can tell?
10.29pm Finally some lovin'. Im round twenty two birds cant hide their love for each other and just go for it on the field. Ok so the two birds were just team mascots. But this episode of The Bachelor has been lacking hints of physical love.
10.31pm Osher/Gillon must be jealous of Bruce McAvaney's grasp of numbers. His head ids just falling out of his head. Incoherently, but numbers none the less. I think he was trying to say Fyfe leads by 6 points with 3 rounds to go.
10.36pm Round 21. More umpires hit, this time by a ball to the face. Not as goods as Australia's Funniest Home Videos staple as a ball in the crotch, but still funny.
10.38. Matt Priddis get 2 more votes closing the gap on Fyfe. Bruce McAvaney does an audition for the lead in a re-make of A Beautiful Mind by completing some mathematical gymnastics. Osher is preparing the silver tray, there appears to only be 2 roses left.
10.42pm Round 22 seemed to have a lot of players trying to end their own season early or that of their team mates, through injury. No chance of Fyfe getting a vote, Osher did not slow down. With one round to go the winner has been decided. Bruce takes him on a last 1-on-1 date. Fyfe looks about 15 years old. Keep your hands to yourself Bruce.
Here comes the song and dance routine, get his cane and top hat.
SHOCK Fyfe walks without the cane. It is a Brownlow miracle.
The white rose is presented. a long and needless speech is just delaying the inevitable pash. There are no gays in this village so there is no kiss, just a manly handshake. Hang on, Bruce is drooling a bit, good thing he is standing behind a podium.
Time to strike up the band to end this interview and let the honeymoon begin. Bruce really wants this new found love to last he is now asking Fyfe about his thoughts on relationships.
We can end now Fyfe just referred to his "journey" - the perfect end to this reality television show. Except it did not end.
Oh my god, Snezna could have become pregnant, gone full term and had her baby in the time this interview is taking. Bruce is clearly drunk or drunk with love and Nat is getting handsie. And now for an oral sex reference - this makes Bruce VERY happy!
One last irrelevant stat from Bruce and we are done!
Goodnight!
Showing posts with label Bruce McAvaney. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bruce McAvaney. Show all posts
Monday, September 28, 2015
Sunday, April 27, 2014
56th TV Week Logies 2014
11.15pm
Scott Cam is still talking. Flash a light at the back of the room, pull the microphone down. Anything. Shut up.
And finally he mentions his wife who is a "corker". She is a hard worker "holding down the fort" unfortunately for Scott no mention of her appearance. let me remind you Scotty that you blushed after kissing Kylie.
He will renovate the trophy into a bottle opener.
The Richard Wilkins Muppet is back with some creepy uncle innuendo to close the show, with still 29minutes left on the official website before it starts. Spoilers!
Nothing says Australian entertainment like American hiphop as MKTO play out of tune over the credits.
Good night.
11.06pm Gold Logie
And the Gold goes to Scott Cam he does a hell of a creating drama and interest where there is none as amateurs renovate houses.
Still 49 minutes on the website until the awards commence.
Scott was hewing for a good night with his wife, until he mentioned how it was a good night because he got a kiss from Kylie. He also announced he was sober. After the Kylie kissing remark you might wish you had drunk a bit, to provide some sort of excuse. Mrs Cam's look changed from adoring pride to death - and not in the blink of an eye as she is not blinking anymore. She is staring in a way that would make Julia Bishop quiver.
Time for the orchestra so Scott Cam can meet his maker. Let's wrap this puppy up.
10.54pm
Criag McLachlan is on with Lady Julia Morris who continues to prove that a queen can be a bogan. They are presenting the Logie for Most Outstanding Drama Series. Craig looks as though they have found him under the stairs from last year's awards, he found some of Bert's Botox jokes from the 80s even though it is he that looks like he has had the work done.. Redfern Now is finally announced as the winner of this Logie for the second year running. Julia is wearing scratchy undies.
Another ad break and the Gold Logie is still "coming up". Just time for one more plug for The Voice. Has anyone mentioned that Kylie is a judge this year?
10.48pm Richard Wilkins is back on with another mention for Myer. In the absence on Bert Newton, Wilkins keeps alive the tradition of bad hairpieces at the Logies. Carrie Bickmore is announced as best dressed. This is the first ad break since the gold Logie was announced as "coming up".
Over on Seven there is a ball on Downtown Abby which aristocrat will bonk a servant in the pantry whilst everyone else dances?
10.44pm Most Outstanding Light Entertainment Program
After Lincoln Lewis and Samantha Armatage demonstrate why the category of most outstanding comedy has been dropped. Housos win and the stars have come in character completing a set piece as their names are announced.
10.40pm Gold Logie Interviews
Hamish continues his "impromptu" interviews with the gold Logie nominees, this time Scott Cam and Andy Lee. He stitches up Scott by asking him when he last actually worked on a worksite, utilising his trade skills. Hamish wants Andy to win so that he can get a mention in the acceptance speech.
10.31pm Silver Logie Most Outstanding Actor
Craig McLachlan is nominated, he once won the logie for most popular new talent...but he has not added to his collection. Lachy Hulme delivers an anti speech but still manages to to name all of the people he did not want to mention.
The announcer is finally starting to build some sizzle as he forward announces the Gold Logie, we are getting close. But a forward promotion in TV land can still mean many advert breaks before its arrival.
10.25pm Silver Logie Most Outstanding Actress
No addition to the Myer Count as the real awards begin. Another award for Asher? or will her co-star Kat Stewart take it for the steal. Or will Rhonda win it for her real job? As expected it is Asher. Again. There we go she is undeserving in such a remarkable group of actresses. Thanks Asher for pointing out that Wendy Hughes is a woman.
10.17pm
Noni Hazlehurst dressed in her bedspread to introduce the Memorial section of the night. Always an awkward section of any awards ceremony as so many people are not recognised getting no or little applause, made all the obvious as other images will received laud applause and cheers. Made all the words when it is an on-camera personality that is not recognised. Either way the images are eliciting more of a response from the seated guests than any of the imported entertainment is.
10.11pm Most Outstanding Tele-Movie or Mini-Series
The Silver Logie acknowledging the best in Australian dramatic television has been won by a UK produced show set in New Zealand. It takes both or Australia's sworn enemies to combine to be able to beat us. This better not catch up in the world of cricket. Top of the Lake is a worthy winner
10.04pm Channel 10 This Is Your Life
Mike Munro does a spoof segue-ladden version of his popular show taking viewers through 50 years of channel ten programs in celebration of its 50 years on air. If only Kennedy had been on Channel 10 it would have provided the perfect opportunity for producers to bring out the footage of Gra-Gra sitting in his dressing gown on set laughing uncontrollably at a dog cocking its leg on the edge of the stage. Don't worry it gets aired nearly every Logies. It must be coming later.
The TV Week Logies website now shows 1hour 59 minutes until the show begins.
9.58pm
9.50pm
More awards not worthy of being included in the broadcast
Graham Kennedy Award for Most Outstanding New Talent Remi Hii - not able to receive the award in person because his career already has him overseas filming his next project
Most Outstanding Public Affairs Report Foreign Correspondent for "Prisoner X" to other current affairs shows please note that stories about angry neighbours of local council fines are not new or award worthy.
Most Outstanding Factual Program Kings Cross ER and Foxtel wins an award.
9.44pm Most Popular New Talent
By that read talent who is most likely not be heard of again. It is noted that of the many previous winner only six of them have/had a career worth mentioning. Surprise H&A cast member Bonnie Sveen won the new talent award.
It is easy to see why the two Puberty Blues actors who presented the award did not win.
9.40pm
Another international artist John Newman singing through his nose. Are there no Australian singers/bands that can perform on this show? Says something about the esteem in which performers of Australia's shiny floor shows are held. Apparently Australia does not have talent nor does it have the X factor. It might just be that an Australian Artist (even one not from the telly) might elicit a response from the Audience who clearly need some of Karl Stefanovich's no-doze.
9.35pm
SBS are showing the best/worst of Japanese games shows. Ok so Aussie TV might not be so bad after all.
Only 2 hours to go! Time to re-fill the drinks. Now understanding why the opening images were of the celebrities getting cocktails and champagne before the awards started.
9.24pm Hall of Fame
I do not know what Peter's son and daughter do for a living but Australian actors pay attention, that's how you deliver a speech.
9.18pm the awards not good enough to be part of the telecast
NRL Footy Show - Most Popular Sports Program, this award has been shared between the Footy Shows. Though a shock for 2014 as it was the AFL's turn to win this year.
Nowhere Boys - Most Popular Children's Program watch out for this cast to pop up on Neighbours or Home & Away in years to come. As Abbott prepares to cut funding to the ABC it agains win awards for original programming
Better Homes and Garden Most Popular Lifestyle Program again proving that sitting on the couch watching other people do stuff on the cheap is Australia's most popular past time.
9.13pm Most Popular Light Entertainment
More awkard banter this time Karl Stefanovich making cringe drug references and Amanda Keller. Hamish and Andy win the asexual statue. Who is the little guy standing on stage next to Andy? Ah Hamish just told us - he is the monkey.
9.08pm
Ah Richard Wilkins is on, now that is more like it. Sure he is drooling at the thought of Kylie Minogue singing but holds himself together long enough to promote The Voice - apparently Kylie is on that too. Who knew?
Mmmmm it might be her newest single but it is a long way from being her best. No need to type its title, it won't be referenced in future. Look out on Twitter for the outrage that she is lip-syncing to her own CD. The fact that the microphone was at arms reach from her body may have given it away. The applause sign is obviously working now as the motionless audience applauded at the correct time this time.
9.00pm
Thankfully the presenters spent a minutes explaining what news is, I never would have understood what the category of Most Outstanding News Coverage was really all about. Channel Nine won for its coverage of the NSW bush fires. It is noted that all nominated stories were all tragedies of one sort or another. Squirrels on tiny water -skis never get the accolades they deserve.
After the break - Kylie! Go get your hot pants ready.
According to the Nine News promo adults are carrying their mobile phones in their handbags and have them with them at work! Shocking.
Dave Hughes is presenting the Logie for the Most Outstanding Light Entertainment program. Maybe it is the sound set up but it sounds like canned laughter as Hughsie does his routine, a man who knows how to tell jokes in front of a large crowd. Finally some entertainment.
As an anticlimax to the segment the winner was announced, My Kitchen Rules, I wonder whether Chloe and Kelly's smelly and crazy fish won. Manu clearly does not script his own comments on the ratings juggernaut.
8.45pm
40 minutes into the broadcast the TV Week Logies website countdown clock still shows 3hours and 13 minutes until it begins! All the while Ed Sheeran sings "Sing" channelling Barry Gibb's falsetto head-voice.
Meanwhile on Ten Elementary has Holmes and Watson making an explicable breakthrough on some crime, but its only 15 minutes into the show. Still plenty of time for him to break the rules and solve the real crime.
8.36pm Silver Logie for Most Popular Drama
First lets start with a fake argument between the presenters trying to prove who has had the least successful career. Clearly demonstrating their credentials to be presenting an award. The Logie goes to Home and Away again proving that fans of the Aussie soap are more likely to vote for the Logies than the fans of any other TV show. The whole cast has made it on stage. The biggest surprise so far Ray Meagher (Alf Stewart) makes a speech that is coherent and intelligible.
Carrie Bickmore and Essie Davis provide some light entertainment as the ruminate on their chances of wining gold
8.34pm
Lindt may make great chocolate but do not make great ads. Perhaps employ actors and not tennis super stars, the dialogue is as wooden as the banter between Logie presenters.
8.25pm Most Popular Actor
Rhonda has just announced Chris Lilley has won the Silver Logie. Ironically winning the award for playing a girl. Australian television can feel good about itself and multicultural as it cheers for a Sudanese refugee-cum-actor accepts the award on Lilley's behalf.
8.16pm First Award - Most Popular Actress
No Surprises as Asher Keddie wins her fourth consecutive Logie in this category. The phallic can be added to her dominatrix kit bag, watch out Jay! And our first mention of the "television family". I am also on the look out for "journeys" "dreams" and "deserving winners (who are actually losers)". On Extra Nutribullet is releasing the nutrition at the cellular level of our meals buy turning all food into sludge.
8.11pm
No hosts for tonight's telecast, probably a blessing. It means not Australian comedian will be forced to end their career. Hamish and Andy are presenting the first night, and squeeze in some obvious banter about Andy's chance to win gold. Not doing his chances any good as Hamish again proving where the majority of duo's talent lies. Get comfortable and pour yourself a long stiff drink there are 22 awards to be presented tonight.
8.05pm it starts now!
Jason Derülo is opening the show, a change up for the international guest who traditionally presents the Gold Logie at the end of the night. Derülo must have a good agent, getting on early he might be able to sneak out and go do something entertaining with his evening.
And aren't the stars of Australian TV loving his performance as they all stand motionless hands clasped together at their laps like TV weather presenters truing to hide the remote control for the weather charts. And our first long pause of the evening - the gap between the end of the opening song and when the audience started to applause. Where is Michael Pope - Australia's best audience warm-up guy - when you need him.
8.00pm
The voting has commenced in MKR someone has undercooked their fish but no time to find out whose fish it was but someone's dream is sure to be thrown back. On Ten a mother new episode of Modern Family is about to start hopefully they won't be so caught up on the setting that they remember to add some jokes. And the women's fashion continues thanks to who Sonia? Myer? oh that's right. Thanks Jules for confirming it was Myer. And one more mention just for good measure. Total Myer count 12.
7.55pm
Only a final few minutes before the real show begins. In the meantime ore inane interviews and montages of people off the telly on telly wearing nice clothes. It even included a couple of men being quirky in tuxedos. Rhonda is here, no sign of Ketut.
Which of the Minogue sisters has the worst fake posh accent?
Alex Perry's forehead is still proving to be sensitive to light, as he wears his own sunnies atop his bonce. Another 4 mentions of Myers. Including three in the one Alex Perry sentence. No wonder Myer is going to launch an exclusive range of clothing from the designer.
7.44pm
We are back from the ads (ending with Myer, of course) to meet the diminutive Kylie Minogue. 25 years since she won the gold...and left television. Tina Arena has arrived - that is a relief for the producers as she is performing during the tribute for dead TV personalities and for her manager as she gets to promote her tour later in the year. Sonia Kruger has stolen the microphone from Dancing With the Stars. Looking forward to watching Madeline West attempting to sit down for the awards, her dress is so tight she struggled to complete a turn on the rotisserie.
7.38pm
I never thought I would say this, lets focus on the dresses and suits, anything to stop the unintelligent interviews with actors who are demonstrating the importance of script writers.
"Myer"count (major sponsor of the best dressed competition) 5. And now we have our first ad. Flick over to MKR it is dessert time. Very little cooking but a lot of rhetoric about how this is the most important meal and personalities on plates and life long dreams of being cooks - ignoring how many hours cooks spend pealing potatoes.
7.35pm Red Carpet
The opening sequence gives us some clues on how to survive the 4 hour marathon broadcast. The celebrities are all shown with alcohol. Jules Lund and Sonia Kruger hose the red carpet. What no Richard Wilkins? What kind of hell is this? Jules what does the Mrs think about your flirting with Carrie Bickmore?
7.30pm
Here we go, Chloe and Kelly's smelly fish dish on My Kitchen Rules will have to wait. Is it cooked perfectly? Just how crazy is the "crazy water"? The Red carpet is about to start.
7.15pm
Here's hoping that the Logies broadcast follows the template for all competition shows on television: to-camera talking-head superfluous commentary from all of the nominees in a back room describing what we have already seen and adding false emotions to the event followed by an overly long pause complete with orchestral drone - an an advert break - before each award is announced.
7.05pm
Logie for best product placement, Tourism Australia for the 2minute montage that ended Modern Family the Australian episode. Lovely scenes but no story or jokes and an interesting grip on geography.
6.50pm More Red Carpet
Model Lauren Phillips is wearing designer Aurelio Costarella to the Logies, and is clearly hoping to wear him after the after-party too. She brought the designer as her date. Beware Luaren he is not wearing socks so perhaps you might leave the shoes on tonight. Rebecca Judd is clearly pushing for a role in season two of Netflix' Orange is the New Black. Oh no, wait no she's not. Its just fake tan.
6.45pm
The Logies telecast has a history of being somewhat embarrassing and cringeworthy. Fortunately for Channel 9 and TV Week, Australia has already been subjected to Channel 10's Modern Family: An Aussie Adventure. Angela Bishop got excited because famous people from the telly were in Australia.
6.40pm Red Carpet Preview
Asher Keddie has dressed as a dominatrix - a darker storyline for Offspring this season? Sonia Kruger got her designer to exactly colour match the fabric of her dress with the actual red carpet. Kat Stewart may be wearing the belt down up one buckle too tight. It has created an awkward shaped bump below and a ridiculous puff of material above, she looks as though she is wearing a throw cushion for a corsage. Susie Elelman (who? exactly!) is wearing her cleavage to the logies in a desperate attempt to raise her career beyond "weekly guest spot" on The Morning Show.
Jason Derülo the 2014 American guest who will spend the night wondering what on earth is going on and if all of these people and shows are winning awards why has he not heard of any of them.
6.05pm
Join me tonight for all the going's on from the 56th TV Week Logie Awards and red carpet - as shown on Channel Nine. Who will win and lose on the red carpet and on the stage. Kylie Minogue returns, after starting her international career on Channel 10's Neighbours will Channel 9's The Voice signal the end? Will the red chair be her shark and her hitting that red button be when she jumps?
Who will the female stars wear tonight and who will care what the male stars wear? Can "& Andy" win the gold to join his best friends and comedy partner or will the voting public tell him once and for all that Hamish is more popular/talented. Will Bert Newton's hairpiece make another show stealing cameo?
Show starts in about 90 minutes.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
AFL Grand Final 2012 Live Blog
Finally the cup is presented! That's it for 2012.
5.32pm
The presentations and speeches have been going for 10minutes now, just get on with it. Lift the cup, fire the streamer cannons and do a victory lap of the oval already.
5.29pm
I love the players that yell incoherently into the microphone as they leave the podium. I hope Sam Newman looks for them for future "Street Talk" segments on The Footy Show.
5.26pm
Ryan O'Keefe kept the cap for himself instead of passing it onto the AusKick kid. How many years have they been passing out caps to the kids and he still does not get it right. Obviously the 100s of thousands of dollars he his paid each year is still not enough to buy a $5 peaked cap.
5.24pm
Ryan O'Keefe is named as Norm Smith medalist His speech follows my predictions posted at 4.12pm.
5.22pm
Luke Hodge's speech as losing captain stayed true to script and ticks all of the boxes, complimenting the winners, mentioning major sponsors, thanking coaches and families and referring to his teammates as "the boys" ending with a promotion for future club members.
5.12pm
It is all over for another year. Congratulations to Sydney or Former South Melbourne as Victorian media will refer to them for the next week.
With 5 more scoring shots, Hawthorn have no excuses for their loss. Buddy Franklin I am looking at you! Take nothing away from Sydney, and Longmire, no wonder he was voted as coach of the year.
Great to see the premiership go outside of Victoria, a nice reminder to all Victorians of what the "A" in AFL stands for.
5.11pm
I can hear the fat women warming up their voices as the Swans kick another goal. Now leading by 10 points with only 34 seconds left on the clock.
5.08pm
Hathorn trainers are winning the premiership for bandaging a player - with Luke Hodge as their mannequin, a captain who leads from the front.
5.07pm
Hawthorn are coming back one point at a time, now only 4 points in it. 2minutes 30 left in the game.
5.05pm
Four minutes left and exactly one straight kick between them - not Hawthorns strongest area throughout the finals. Swans must be relieved about that.
5.02pm
Another point to Hawthorn. How many times have attempts for goals hit the post? It might be some sort of record for a grand final, Bruce?
5.01pm
Goodes kicks a goal to give the Swans a 7 point lead. This does not bode well against their premiership history. The lead is too big.
5.00pm
Swans in front by a point. All of the Swans premierships (of which there has been only one) have been won by less than a goal. Is this an omen?
4.58pm
Scores are level.
McAvaney will have to change his pants again.
4.57pm
Official attendance 99, 683, including approximately 85,000 corporates and sponsors.
4.54pm
Without being a major sponsor of the sport, the AFL is giving a lot of coverage to Elasterplast. I assume there is some sort of award to the trainer who can cover one of their players in the most taping.
4.52pm
The Swans do their part in making this final one of the all time classics as they score another goal bringing the margin back to 1 goal (or six points if you are a forward for Hawthorn).
4.49pm
Regardless of the outcome of this game it is time to decide where you want to spend this evening and get there. The CBD and public transport will soon be swarming with people dressed head to toe in football attire and if not already inebriated they soon will be. And they will want to yell either in despair, euphoria or indifference at everyone who crosses their path.
4.47pm
With the game so close the ground staff wont know which colour balloons to be filling with helium.
4.45pm
Franklin keeps the Swans in the game with yet another point. Did he really score 100 goals in one season a couple of years ago. I think he should turn and face 30 degrees to the left of goals before kicking. On the upside he would be great in soccer as he can really bend it like Beckham.
4.43pm
Channel 7 statisticians are spewing forth figures that are somewhat meaningless, as the Swans are leading in so many aspects of the game - except for the score.
4.41pm
Hawthorn open the final quarter with two quick goals. The Swans will continue looking more like a NSW team the bigger this margin becomes.
4.35pm
This is it the final 20minutes (that will take approximately 30minutes to transpire)of the 2012 AFL season.
4.33pm
Three quarter time and Sydney lead by a point. It all comes down to the final quarter. It will go down to the wire. Its anyone's game. Why will want it more? Insert your own football idioms here.
4.28pm
Sydney is back in front. As the lead sea-saws. Channel 7 commentators are salivating as they get to use endless cliches about the close nature of the game.
It could only be better for them if it started to rain and they got to use the spontaneous references to Swans being better suited to the wet - that they prepared before the game
4.25pm
Hawks are now in front. Time for the Swans to panic. The third quarter is often referred to as the premiership quarter, wouldn't Hawthorn supporters wish that to be true today. Unfortunately for them the Swans are still well in it and will be kicking to the scoring end of the game for the fourth quarter.
4.24pm
Only 2 points in it as Hawthorn get another goal.
4.18pm
Hawks continue to crawl their way back into the game with a goal by Franklin to the window end of screen, and then yet another point. With a 15 point lead the Swans are not showing any sign of panic.
4.15pm
Rhonda is back from her exotic holiday where she had an undefined dalliance with Katuk. She still has owl eyes. Oh dear she is involved in an accident. Thankfully she was not driving so it will not affect her no-claim bonus.
4.12pm
Debate has commenced about potential Norm Smith Medalists. Regardless of the winner I predict they will comment on the quality of the competition on the day and reminding us that despite winning an individual honour, AFL is a team game.
4.08pm
Roberts-Thompson has proven that it is still possible to score to the kitchen end of the screen with an early goal in the third quarter. He kept it simple by aiming for the big sticks.
4.06pm
No sign of Goodes injury early in the second half. Definitely a case of scurvy.
4.02pm
Roughead ensures that the points keep coming the Hawks way. With the same number of scoring shots it is a wonder they are 15 points behind. Did the Olympians love of coming second rub off on them? Or is Sydney's defence that good?
4.00pm
Start of the second half with an aerial shot of the centre bounce or an advert for Toyota, not sure what it was, either way it is an unusual angle for viewing the game.
3.59pm
AFL commission must be relieved that so far there has been no news of any needles placed their by child labour in the game balls.
3.50pm
Well Temper Trap have broken with tradition by providing half time entertainment that was, well, entertaining. They were in tune, in time and had the volume up.
3.35pm
Half time. Swans now lead 7.4.46 to 4.6.30. Hawthorn is going to have to score more than one point in a quarter if they want to win. Though next qaurter they will be kicking to the scoring end. Will the Hawks play a game of keep it off...Franklin, to give them a chance of scoring?
Time to refill the bowls of chips and get another cold one from the fridge.
3.34pm
Franklin has bettered his own kicking for goal, this time kicking across the face of goal to kick it out of bounds on the full. From a set shot!
3.31pm
The shadows creeping across the ground from the window end of screen is turning the 2012 into a day-night final. Could this be the transition towards a twilight final the media have been calling for. Will the AFL try to get Robert Pattison to be the cup ambassador for the first twilight final?
3.27pm
The ball is still spending the most time in Hawthorns forward 50, though they seem to spending all of their time feathering their nest. The Swans, traditionally a more docile bird has done all the attacking this quarter. I could not resist using a bird pun any longer.
3.23pm
Goodes is back on the field after some non homophobic rubbing of his legs by the official Sydney rubbers.
3.20pm
Sydney Swans hit the front as both teams keep Chelsea Roffey busy in her grand final debut at the window end of the ground.
3.17pm
Adam Goodes appears injured. Knee, ankle, cruciate ligament? Who know but the speculation will keep McAvaney and his friends busy for a while.
3.13pm
Despite the absence of wind advantage there is clearly a scoring end with 46 of the 56 points scored so far occurring at the window end. Sydney are almost scoring at will bringing it back to a one point game. Franklin could double the Hawks lead.
3.06pm
The players have had their sliced oranges and game is back on. The swans have scored a goal within the first minute. Perhaps they had a touch of scurvy in the first quarter.
3.00pm
Quarter Time. Hawks lead 3.5.29 to 1.4.10.
2.58pm
The goals are flowing now for the Hawks. Someone should have told them the theory of aiming for the big sticks earlier.
2.53pm
Franklin has finally scored a goal. 'Bout time.
2.52pm
Crunch! The body contact is fierce. Yet the players get up without fuss and keep playing. International soccer/football players take note. There is no writhing on the ground as though a foot has been amputated, just because the opponents shadow crossed your path.
2.49pm
Hawthorn is easily winning possession today but are continuing their inaccurate kicking from last week. They could have already put pressure on the Swans if only they kicked goals. Do they know they are aiming for the big sticks not the small ones?
2.43pm
Franklin has missed again. Centerbet offering to refund all losing bets if he kicked five goals seems to be a...ahem...same bet
2.42pm
There are some great beards playing today. Perhaps next year the AFL will consider a new theme round to go with Indigenous round, ladies round etc. I propose bushranger round.
2.38pm
So far the final is more like school-aged football with no clear movement of the ball. More like the ball being followed by the majority of players who all pile up on it as soon as it hits the ground.
Good thing the AFL is now anti-homophobic because there are a lot of fit men in tight clothing hugging each other and with no hesitation to lay on top of each other.
2.31pm
Franklin has the first kick on goal and he continues is form from last week, hooking the ball to the left. As is unique in AFL he gets rewarded for missing, like childhood sport he has been given a point for trying. A point that was signalled by Ms Roffey - the first female goal umpire signals the first score of the game.
2.30pm
THe game starts on time, with the score 0-0. So apparently there is no points for winning the toss. With the swirling wind that has already been discussed as having no advantage, one wonders what the the point of the coin toss actually is.
2.28pm
Hawthorn have won the toss and from my television will be kicking towards the window, Sydney will start by kicking to the kitchen end. Is there a prize for winning the toss? There is a prize for everything else in this game.
2.27pm
Marina Prior is singing the national anthem (first verse only) - the only person on the stadium to not mumble a single lyric.
2.25pm
What the hell in a Cup Ambassador? What ever they do for Geelong player Cameron Ling is doing it. By the vision it appears that the Cup Ambassador is the mug who gets to carry the mug onto the ground. I like to think they are presenting to the UN advocating for the rights of premiership cups the world over.
2.13pm
Players are preparing to run through the banners and pose for their team photos. The AFL are big on fighting violence against women, homophobia and supporting Australia's indigenous communities, the banners however prove that the AFL's carbon footprint is not a concern. A big waste of paper. And sticky tape. And time.
2.06pm
The music has started, which only makes me wonder just how much his performance today will harm the career of Paul Kelly. These gigs are usually as successful for the band as hosting the Logies is for Australian comedians. Though Paul is on a winner because anything has to be better that Meatloaf in 2011.
2.00pm
The Toyota Hilux utes are back carrying 2012 Olympic champions. This will be a very short parade. What else are they going to do to fill the remaining 30 minutes or so until the first bounce? They should have the gold medalists from the Paralympics - though that would takes us way past the scheduled start time.
Retired, players and umpires or next years "special comments" commentators.
1.55pm
Phew, I can relax, Brynne Edelsten has told me I can enjoy the game. More than I will do when watching her reality show.
1.52pm
Channel 7 producers have decided that the best way to show viewers each of the players positions is to turn the match into a game of Guess Who?
"Does your player have facial hair? Tattoos? Wear Glasses?
1.42pm
The players are on the field which means only one thing. The hyperbole has moved up a gear as commentators read the players stat sheets in a tone that suggests they are actually debating the potential match ups and influences on the game. In a real twist, players in the grand final have a proven track record of winning the ball, tackling, kicking and team work. Yet again the experts prove their worth.
1.40pm
We are at that point where nothing is really happening. How do we know, well like Channel 9 commentators counting seagulls on the ground in a game of test match cricket. Channel 7's expert commentators are discussing the wind - something they all agree will not favour anyone. Glad they are experts.
1.30pm
Each of the Channel 7 commentators have now demonstrated their credentials in a pre recorded piece in which they all pontificate about the importance, nay spiritual imperative of the day. With solemn back ground music, and slow motion footage from their playing days, the montage is complete with the longing looks by the commentators. Standing alone in the empty stands viewing the equally empty holy land that is the MCG. These looks come straight out of American soap opera school of acting.
1.20pm
Prime Minister Julia Gillard, a football tragic (one of many tragedies she faces on a daily basis) has just met Chelsea Roffey. Ms Roffey will be the first female to officiate in an AFL Grand Final. Lets hope she makes better decisions than her political counterpart. Will the male who missed out on his chance to officiate be in the back benches heckling, public announcing if he agrees or disagrees with Chelsea's leadership?
1.15pm
The players sprint race is over including one runner that has never played a game of AFL football, so not really a players race at all. Just some fast-ish men in tights. An Olympics 100m finals this is not
1.10pm
The chips, dips, bbq and beer are ready. The weather is "doing a Melbourne" alternating between icy wind with showers and sunshine. Everything is in readiness for the 2012 AFL Grand Final.
With just over an hour to go before the bounce there are many questions to be answered today like how early into the game will Bruce McAvaney be so excited that he needs to change his pants? If it rains, will the players jump into the Toyota Hilux utes as per the grand final parade? If the Swans win, will the Victorian media remember to mention that they are a Sydney based team and not the relocated South Melbourne Football Club?
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