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| theage.com.au
Kevin Ware, famously snapped his leg in half playing basketball in a US College game. A sickening injury as the leg bent as though all bone had been removed. In reality some bone had moved to the outside of his skin. I saw a horse suffer from a similar injury in a lead up race to the main event on Melbourne Cup Day 2007. Thankfully for Ware his trainers did not erect a curtain around him on the court and shoot him.
It made me think of the worst injuries I have suffered during sporting pursuits.
During a game of mixed netball in 2001 I was playing Goal Keeper against a man mountain of a Goal Shooter. I was winning the battle, mainly on the basis that he either could not or chose not to run...until the last 2 minutes of the game.
I ran out to a loose ball and he decided to follow. I can to a stop as I neared the “third” line. If you step on or over the line in netball the bears don’t get you, but the umpire does and then gives the ball to the opposition. My opposition proved that he stops as easily as he runs. I braced myself for impact and was subsequently sent sprawling to the floor. The outside edge of my left knee cap was the first point of impact with the cement floor. It turns out bone is not a good cushioning devise.
No bruise, but a lot of pain. X-rays showed nothing so no medical assistance was provided. For three months. I hobbled and limped. If I was standing I could not easily sit and if I was sitting I could not stand without pulling myself up with my hands gripping to whatever was available, mantle piece, bookshelf, other people...
In a 1400km drive from Adelaide to Sydney during this period, I was a passenger. We stopped every two hours to stretch our legs. It took me the full 30min stop to be able to straighten my left leg and be able to put any wait on it. I would be finally be standing when the call rang out ‘Ok back into the car!”
All of the limping led to sciatica, leaving me with a continuous tingling in both legs. This sensation worsened to unbearable when lying down. This meant that I could neither stand or sit nor lie. A physio working on my back to ease the pain from the sciatica referred me to a sports-med surgeon. As surgeons do he suggested surgery – albeit that he had no idea what was wrong. Just a little “look-see”.
He saw a fragment of bone that had broken off from my knee cap (or patella if you will) and was floating around the joint often getting caught between the femur and tibia whenever I moved my leg.
I was in surgery just after breakfast (not that I was allowed to eat anything) and home in time for lunch on the same day. This four hour window included surgery, recovery and the initial appointment with the physio therapist.
I have endured other injuries whist engaged in sporting combat. I broke my little toe when trying to give my mother a piggyback when I was about ten years old. No medical assistance required.
I dislocated my elbow on a jumping castle. This required a sling and a disprin. It did not prevent me from driving the same day. My sister sprained her ankle on the same day playing tennis leaving her strapped up and on crutches. If we were seen in public together we told people our injuries were caused by our father.
Not sure if this is really a sporting injury, but I was jumping at the time. I was in a classroom, standing on the side cupboard to hang a piece of work on the wall. I thought I would show off by jumping off of the cupboard, over a student’s desk, onto the floor. I did not see the string that was tied across the classroom to hang other examples of children’s work. It caught me under the right nostril and nearly severed my nose.
In year four, during fitness we had to run laps of the courtyard. I tripped over and cut my knee. It bled. A lot. I almost needed stitches, but it turned out that a butterfly bandaid sufficed (butterfly refers to the style of bandaid not any sort of Disney pattern printed on it). I did get a new pair of jeans as the blood ruined the ones I was wearing, and the afternoon off school.
So I can fully sympathise with Kevin Wade and his injury!
To hear more stories from my life LIVE check out my show at the 2013 Melbourne International Comedy Festival
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Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Ouch, That's Gotta Hurt!
Monday, April 1, 2013
DFO Darren Freaks Out - Audience Photos
Each night the audience Freaks Out when I take a picture of them demonstrating their regular Facebook photo pose. Here are some of them
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| 7 March 2013 |
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| 5 March 2013b |
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| 5 March 2013a |
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| 31 March 2013 |
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| 28 March 2013 |
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Photographs "Under Lights"
A series of my photographs, taken in various locations around the world, highlighting light. Light fittings, objects under lights and the sun.
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| Searchlight, Bangkok |
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| New Years Eve, Wine |
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| Wall light, Liberty Science Centre, New Jersey |
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| Street Lamp, La Bocca, Beunos Aires |
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| Wall Fitting, Royal Palace Vienna |
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| Street Lamp, Sydney |
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| Cafe decorations, Salvador |
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| Cabin lighting, Manaus - Amazon |
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| Sunset, Liberty Park New Jersey |
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| Tall ship, Sydney |
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| Reading Room, Victoria State Library |
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| Skyline, Salvador |
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| Cave train, Terra Roca |
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| Centre Lane, Melbourne |
Monday, March 25, 2013
Captain My Captain
The position of Australian Cricket Captain
is often said to be the second most important office in the land, behind only
the position of Prime Minister. Personally I think this is over stating its
importance to Australian life…for both positions.
For many years it could have been argued
that the cricket captain had a greater influence over public confidence,
winning or losing the captain set the tone. From Allan Border “Captain Grumpy”
who was a personal career was successful despite playing with an often less
than competitive team. He taught the team how to fight and eventually to win.
Mark Taylor and Steve Waugh added their own flair to the position and built on
its winning ways to make it one of the most successful sporting teams in
international history.
During the same period Australian politics
enjoyed the leadership Bob Hawke and John Howard, two of the longest serving
Prime Ministers to lead the country. Both are known for building the country’s
prosperity. On different sides of politics, they achieved the country’s wealth
in different ways. Lets not forget Paul Keating famed for his suits and biting
repartee, he embodied the countries wealth.
Ricking Ponting despite his own personal
success, as captain reintroduced the notion of losing to the national team.
Politically Kevin Rudd took office. Like his sporting counterpart his form
after taking office started to slump until he was forced to voluntarily step
aside.
We now have Michael Clarke and Julia
Gillard. Both of them highly capable in their own rights. Both of them
suffering in the realm of leadership. Both of their teams are in a tail spin,
the more they spin the more they lose and the more public ridicule they
receive.
In the past week the cricket team, in the
middle of a lengthening losing streak, chose to suspend four players. Three of
these suspended players were potentially the most likely to contribute to an
Australian victory. Australia lost the test match.
At the same time as following the sports
team’s example Australia’s governing party suspended logic calling for a
leadership spill despite the absence of anyone else wanting to be leader. Let’s
be honest who would want to lead the
national Labor party at the moment?
When Michael Clarke injured his back the
only alternative for captain was Shane Watson – one of the players previously
suspended for not abiding to team rules. He was also quite vocal about his
dislike of the direction of Cricket Australia’s direction or personnel.
Whilst the parallels between Watson and
Rudd are alarming, Rudd at least had the dignity to not accept the offer to
lead.
Unfortunately for the Australian public we
do not have any viable or palatable alternatives for either leadership
position. Watson, Warner, Rudd, Abbott none of their personal form nor their recent
public comments warrants their being elevated to such an honour. At the same
time Clarke and Gillard have nothing to deserve their maintaining the role.
Maybe it is just time complete change,
maybe Australian football codes can offer examples of decency and leadership
that our political parties can follow.
Oh wait…
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Hats of to our Religious Leaders
The
Conclave has met and 115 cardinals have voted and decided that Cardinal
Bergoglio will have the honour of wearing the biggest hat. Did head size come
into their deliberations? It would be easier if Pontiffs all fitted into the
same headwear. The Pope’s mitre is not the only headwear available to religious
leaders within the Roman Catholic church.
The
cappello romano is more of an outdoor sun hat. It has a circular wide brim,
unlike many of the other millinery items, the cappello is surprising, worn
merely for practical reasons – to keep the sun off. To ensure the wearer stands out it can only be
worn with a cassock (dress type item).
The
galero – the capello romano’s ceremonial cousin – represents a crown
symbolising that its wearer is the Prince
of the Church. Looking at modern day royal families this means a life of
privilege, a lot of money for not much work and diminished sense of responsibility.
Sounds about right. The galero is basically the capello with long tassels
attached. The more tassels then then the more important the wearer. Why? I say
why not? If you have to wear a silly hat to demonstrate your faith, make it as
silly as possible.
There
is also the zucchetto worn by priests in the Catholic and Anglican churches as
well as many eastern orthodox churches. Basically a circle of material to keep
their heads warm. Does this date back to the practice of monks shaving a bald
patch in their head? (Did this really happen or have I been watching too many
cartoons and Robin Hood movies?). There are too many rules about how and when
to wear (and remove) a zucchetto to go into here. Of not it is always worn
under a mitre or a biretta.
What’s
a biretta? It is another hat worn by the clergy in the Catholic church. Think of
a small box wrapped in silk with a pom pom on top.
The
Roman Catholic a have not cornered the market in silly religious hats. The Jews
the kippah or yarmulke is strikingly similar to the Catholic zucchetto. It is
to be worn during prayer to cover the head in order that the fear of heaven may
be upon you. It is custom to wear it all the time. To think some people are
fearful of god due to activities like murder, stealing and adultery when it is
just as terrifying to not wear a hat. In which case why not just wear a
baseball cap? Particularly the Los Angeles Angels.
Of
course Jewish men also have the more formal fedora styled hat , which for some
reason always seems to be worn a few sizes too small so that it merely balances
on top of their head. Growing the hair in front of their ears long also is
popular within some Jewish populations. Based on Leviticus 19:27 “You shall not
round off the peyos of your head". The peyos is the hair that grows in
front of the ears and includes sideburns. Apparently it is ok to use scissors
to trim the sideburns but not the long curl of hair. The length of a peyos
represents a person’s obedience to this fashion commandment.
The
rules for hair become very complicated for traditional Jewish women. When they
marry that are expected to shave their heads, however an uncovered head is
considered immodest, so they wear a wig. To hide the wig from unwanted male
attention they then cover it with a scarf or a shiptzel (half wig half hat) or
a snood (a hair bag).
The
Muslims are most famous for the women’s headwear the hijab and the burqa.
Garments that post-pubescent women must wear in the company on non related
adult men. It supposedly separates man from God. There is something wrong here,
surely if it is meant to separate men from God, then it should be men that wear
it. It is worn for privacy and modesty as the hajib also represents the
separation of women from men. Modesty in the Qur’an refers to both men and
women’s gaze, gait, garments and genitalia. There is an apparent confusion of
human anatomy amongst the Muslim community as women’s genitals are not on top
of their head.
The
centrefold of men’s magazine Plaits and
Braids is of a woman with her hajib pulled teasingly low towards the
shoulders. Shaved, it turns out would
be just as popular regardless of religious persuasion.
The
skull cap is popular in this religion too, now it is called a kufi.
I
am starting to think the skull cap could be the key to solving the eternal
tension between the world’s religions. Perhaps if all of the gods agree on the
preferred hat (even though it looks like a doily from grandmas afternoon tea
setting) then perhaps they agree on other things too.
Sikkkes
are the tall conical hats worn by whirling dervishes, what people don’t know is
that they started off more like the wide-brim sombrero to keep the burning
African sun off their faces, it is merely centrifugal force that forced them up
into the somewhat impractical cone.
The
daster or turban is worn by circumsised Sikh men as a symbol of honour, self-respect,
courage, spirituality and piety, or just a way to save money on hair cuts.
Sikh’s do not cut their hair. This seems little compensation. “So here is the
thing, we have cut off the end of your penis, so that means you no longer have
to cut your hair.
Arabian shora or keffiyeh is perhaps most famous for adorning the head of Palestinian
leader Yasser Arafat, it is a square of material worn to protect its wearer
from the sun and their eyes from dust and sand. It is either wrapped around
their head or tied in place as Mr Arafat did by a egal. This is a tea towel
held in place by a piece of rope. Just think of every shepherd you have seen in
a school or church nativity re-enactment, or every teenage girl coming out of
the bathroom with a towel wrapped around her head after washing her hair.
There
are so many religious pieces of head wear, I have not even touched on the hats
of orthodox groups, each one more ridiculous that the next Old Testament
believers tried to build a tower tall enough to touch heaven. In modern times
the people’s of the world have changed the tower for hats. If I remember
correctly god thought the tower insulting and just a little silly so scattered
the people everywhere and gave them different languages.
I
cant help but think that god(s) whoever he or she is, has much more important
things to worry about than what hats everyone is or is not wearing.
I
night start my own religion and make everyone wear a tall striped hat like the
Cat in the Hat, Dr Seuss would be the deity.
For more of my thoughts of lifes trivialities that annoy freak me out, check out my Melbourne International Comedy Festival Show "DFO: Darren Freak's Out"
Festival Page
Tickets
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Sunday, March 10, 2013
Welcome to the Party
Ted Baillieu resigned from his leadership
of the Victorian Liberal Party this week. Some party. What a disappointment it
must be to be invited to join the party only to discover it is political.
Why would anyone want to lead the party?
The pressure is always on the host to put on a great party. The entertainment
pages might describe it as a “fine affair” but there will always be some party
goers that are disappointed. The chicken was too dry, disagreements over the
choice of music, the other guests, there is sure to be something that will have
some people walking away wishing they were somewhere else.
The National Labor Party has a different
problem. Kevin Rudd who refuses to host his own party instead he stands in the
corner showing off drawing attention away from others – very ungracious.
Every now and then a new party starts, and
for a while some people will find the entertainment and decorations unique and
interesting. Over time people realize that this new party really offers very
very little that is different from the bigger parties in town; The Democrats,
One Nation, Katter’s Australia Party.
Katter’s Australia Party reminds me of
fancy dress/costume parties. Everyone is excited at the beginning and there is
lots of fun trying to identify who everyone has come dressed. Before long the
costumes start to be removed, because they are too hot or impractical and the
true person gets revealed.
People are never as fun when they are bing
themselves. Tess Corbett and Bernard Gaynor (an unfortunate surname considering
the circumstances) have both been removed from the public eye following
outlandish homophobic comments.
Whenever someone tries to make a party more
interesting the media attacks them, the opposition does likewise – though I am
sure this is more out of jealousy that someone else’s party is better than
theirs.
Craig Thompson catches a few taxis and
tries to bring a prostitute or two to the party, Peter Sleep tried to have sex
in the closet with some of the parties waiting staff, Mary Jo Fisher shoplifted
some refreshments, Geoff Shaw who used the party to try and sell products of
his own (perhaps getting confused with a Tupperware party).
For some inexplicable reason our parties
are full of boring people, all doing the same thing, all the time the public
cries out from something different, some personality. Until of course one of
them dares show personality then the public turns on them like gatecrashers who
find parties on Facebook.
Talking of parties...
Join mine at the 2013 Melbourne International Comedy Festival
get tickets here
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